Scars
Yui looked down again at her wrist. She ran a finger along the light scar mark etched into her skin. It were there to remind her. As long as she had the scar, she could never forget what had happened. She would never forget her betrayal.
"Miaka."
She spit out the name as if it was a poisonous venom. It was Miaka's fault. Everything was her fault. If she hadn't gone home . . . If she hadn't left me here . . .
Alone.
It wasn't really her fault, a part of Yui knew that. Miaka didn't know. She didn't know what had happened. How could she have known?
She should have felt my pain! I felt hers. Why couldn't she feel mine? I suffered for her!
"Miaka came back for him. She loves him."
She said that she came back for me. She said that she cared about me. She wanted to bring me home.
"Liar."
Yui didn't know what to believe anymore. She wanted to believe Miaka. She wanted to trust her best friend, but she couldn't. Not after what had happened.
It's not fair! I loved him too! Why did he have to choose her? She sighed heavily. What's wrong with me?
Anger. Love. Hate. Betrayal. They were all there, running through her mind. Everything was so confusing. A thousand little voices were screaming in her head. They were all crying out to her. Twisting the truth. Commanding her to believe one thing, then another.
Hate her! Hate her! Love her! Love her! They kept screaming. Over and over. Faster and faster. Until they became one voice. One huge presence that swarmed around her, beating against her. Suffocating her. Calling out only one name.
Miaka!
"Enough!" Yui yelled furiously as she beat her fist on the table. "Stop saying that name!" She closed her eyes as the tears threatened to spill forth. Not now! I won't cry over her!
Yui felt as if she was being ripped apart. Nothing made sense anymore. It was like being trapped on a mad merry-go-round that kept going. Round and round. She wanted to get off. She wanted it all to end. It wasn't fun anymore. It was terrifying.
Why did this have to happen? Everything used to be so easy.
Before she had been sucked into the other world, Yui's main concern had been the high school exams. She was like everyone else. Her life was simple, just school and friends. There was no other world. No one's fate rested in her hands. Then she had gone to the library.
Yui chuckled quietly. The library, of all places!
Miaka had often accused her of enjoying school a bit too much. There was no need for Yui to read any more than she had to. She wouldn't have any trouble passing the high school exams! Miaka, on the other hand, was a different story. The two best friends had vowed to go to high school together. Miaka knew that she would have to try harder to reach even near Yui's level.
And so she had gone with Yui to the library, a place she had never before been. It was then that Miaka saw Suzaku. At first she believed it was only her imagination, but it came again. A bright, red bird that called her forth. It led the two friends to a small room in the corner of the library. There, they found the book. It was ancient, written in Chinese, a language Yui had studied for some time.
"The Universe of the Four Gods."
But, it wasn't really written was it? Not at first. Not until after a flash of light appeared and the two had been pulled by some mysterious force into a world they had never before seen. They were attacked by men who were going to sell them as slaves. That was when he showed up.
"Tamahome . . ."
The boy with the Chinese symbol of an ogre on his forehead. He saved them. Without warning, the red light had appeared again and Yui had felt herself being pulled away from Miaka. She passed out and when she awoke again, she was back in the library. Miaka was gone, and Yui was alone.
But, I was never completely away from her, was I?
Something had drawn Yui to the book, and although she didn't know why, she began reading it. Before her eyes, symbols and pictures appeared on the pages. They told the legend of Suzaku no Miko, the Priestess of Suzaku.
It was Miaka.
Everything that happened to the Priestess, happened to Yui. She felt weak when the Priestess had fallen ill, and when the Priestess had tried to take her own life, Yui had bled. She felt everything that Miaka felt. All of her pain. All of her friend's suffering was a part of her. The story had followed the Priestess's quest to find a way home until . . .
That was when the nightmare started.
Don't think about it! Yui commanded herself. It will only make things worse. You can't change what happened. You can't change the past. "What's done is done," she said under her breath. "Deal with it."
She could deal with it. She could handle it as long as she didn't think about it. As long as she didn't have to remember.
I was so afraid, and so I ran. I ran from them, just as I'm running now. I'm always running, Yui realized. They caught up to me, just as . . . as what? What's going to catch me?
"What am I running from?" she wondered out loud. "I'm running from something, aren't I? Always running. From what?"
From her.
Yui balked at the thought. I'm not running from her. It's not about her. It's about me. It's my fears. My life. Not hers!
It's always about her.
No, it's not! She covered up her ears, forcefully trying to stop the persistent voices. I don't want to hear anymore. I'm not listening to you!
You are her shadow. She is everything you could never be.
"Stop it!" Yui screamed out, no longer only in her mind. "I am not Miaka's shadow!"
"Is everything alright?"
Yui cringed when she heard the voice. She turned slowly to see Nakago standing behind her. She swallowed hard. How much had he heard? How much did he know?
Yui squinted in the dim light at the tall, blonde man who leaned casually against the far wall. Better to just pretend it was nothing. She looked away from him. "Why are you here? I do not believe I summoned for you."
"I thought I heard something. I came here to make sure you were okay."
"I'm fine," she replied hotly.
"You are angry."
"It's none of your concern."
After a moment of silence, Nakago stepped forward. "I am sorry that you feel I have intruded." He bowed to her. "Yui-sama, I only ask that if something is bothering you, confide in me." His clear, blue eyes glinted in the flickering candle light. "I have ways of making things better for you."
Just like you made Tamahome better for me, huh? Yui thought bitterly. "Why exactly should I confide in you?" she asked.
"I am your humble servant," he replied, bowing again. "Besides, I hope I have already proven my loyalty to you. I hope you have not forgotten how we first met."
"How could I forget? You saved me."Without looking down, Yui touched her wrist where she knew her scar to be from so many nights of feeling it and wishing it would go away. So smooth. The pain can't even be felt by my hands. It's there though. In my heart. And my mind.
Perhaps it would have been better if I had died.
"What plagues your mind, Yui-sama?" She didn't have to see him staring at her to know that he was just then. She could feel his eyes burning into her. And suddenly, she wanted to tell him everything. She knew he had power over people to make them reveal what he wanted to hear. Even power over her, it seemed.
"Miaka."
A shadow passed over Nakago's face and his eyes darkened. "Suzaku no Miko."
"She's everywhere," Yui said softly. "In my head, I can hear her. She won't go away. I keep trying to forget her, but I can't."
"No one can forget those that they hate."
Yui wanted to speak then. To tell him he was wrong. But she couldn't because deep down she knew that he was right. And she hated that.
"She is your enemy, Yui-sama," he continued. "And she will be your enemy until the day you die. There is nothing you can do to change that."
"How dare you!" Yui turned away, her eyes blazing. "How dare you presume what I can and can not do! It's not too late, you know. I could still refuse to be your priestess," she threatened. "I still have that power."
"Amiboshi is dead."
The color drained from Yui's face. "Suboshi's brother? They . . ."
"They killed him," Nakago finishedshortly. "But not until after he prevented the ceremony. The Universe of the Four Gods burned. Suzaku was not summoned."
Yui felt like breathing a sigh of relief. "Then it's over? Suzaku and Seiryu can't ever be summoned now."
"There is a way to get around the loss of a celestial warrior. Or the loss of a sacred scroll for that matter. We go north."
"That's where she'll be, right?" Yui said, her voice soft. "Miaka will still try to call on the power of Suzaku?"
"Suzaku no Miko will be there. But don't think of her. I don't care whether she goes. I only care about you."
"She's always there, Nakago. Always in my mind. Even when we are miles apart." Yui's voice trailed off. She took a deep, resolving breath. "There is only one way to make her disappear." Her eyes grew icy cold, as blue and hard as Nakago's.
"Then you will be our priestess? You will be Seiryu no Miko?"
Yui could feel herself nodding. "We will go north. I will summon Seiryu, as your priestess. And I will see her one last time. Then she will die."
Nakago seemed pleased. "As you wish, Yui-sama."
When he was gone, Yui looked down at her wrist. The scar was there, as harsh and ugly as the memories it conjured. But eventually the memories would fade. Yui would overcome it all and she would heal, even if the scar couldn't.
I can't make the scar go away. It will always be there. But I can make her go away. I can be rid of the name that plagues my mind.
Forever.