"You know, Clarke, for someone who operates on people's brains, you're a real wuss for roller coasters. We should just put you in one of those tea cups for kids and come back after an hour to see if you're still alive", Raven says as she enters the famous italian theme park, Gardaland, with two of her best friends, Octavia and Clarke.
"Like that one time when the cups were spinning so rapidly, Jasper thought it was raining. I'll never forget the look of dissapointment on his face when he found out it was just Monty's spit. I swear, that boy never shuts up" Octavia never fails to make them laugh.
It's Clarke's 29th birthday and they decided to fulfill their best friend's wish who often complained about her boring life, given that she didn't really have a lot of free time because her job was draining. Clarke loved being a neurosurgeon, it was something she wanted to do ever since she was a little girl. But it was hard. Knowing that someone's whole life was in her hands was overwhelming, bearing the responsibility for all of her mistakes, although they were rare. However, she's only human, and there were times when tiny mistakes brought many sleepless nights.
Clarke promised herself that she won't be a 30 year old woman that never went on an adrenaline ride.
And here she is. Her heart is beating so loud, it muffles the screams of people who were already experiencing the rides she'd be on just a couple of minutes earlier.
She was scared shitless, but she's never been more ready.
The three of them wander around the park for a while, and when they find themselves in front of the Blue Tornado, one of the most popular rides in the park, Clarke speaks up.
"You should go now. Let me-", she starts, but as soon as she figures out Raven and Octavia want to protest, she cuts them off.
"No, please. I've got to do this myself. I need to experience this on my own. I promise I won't die", Clarke adds when she sees their dissaproving looks.
Octavia and Raven don't fight her. They assure her they'll get something to eat, to make themselves more comfortable while laughing their asses off when she gets up there.
The waiting line isn't long as she thought it'd be. Octavia told her that she and her boyfriend Lincoln used to wait for 2 hours for just one ride. But, today was Wednesday and it was cloudy. It wouldn't be surprising if the rain started pouring.
Clarke looks up to study the faces of the people who had just come off the ride. Her brow furrows at the sight of a pale teenage boy, thinking that he is going to burst into tears, until she see the most satisfactory smile on his face.
"Your first time here?" She hears a soft voice and turns around to find the most beautiful girl she's ever layed eyes on.
The first thing she noticed were her full lips, and Clarke blamed height difference for that, although it was minimal. Then she got lost in the most unique eyes she's ever seen - bright green, with a hint of grey Clarke thought she borrowed from the sky.
Clarke mentally picks up her jaw when the girl nervously ruffles her wild, brown locks.
"Am I really that obvious?" Clarke asks.
The girl takes a long look to Clarke's fidgeting hands before she meets her blue eyes. The intensity of their eye contact catches her by surprise, but Clarke doesn't notice.
"I've spent a lof of time here in the past 3 years, and learning to read people was inevitable for me. I'm Lexa", she offers her hand and Clarke accepts it.
"Clarke. And I know you can tell I'm dreading this, but I'm really glad to meet you in these dark times", she says jokingly, with a hint of truth.
"Well, Clarke, then I'm going to help you survive this."
"Really?"
"Yes, Clarke, really. I'm going to sit beside you and offer you my hand, which I already know you won't take because you'll be too busy holding on to the harness with your dear life, shouting swear words no culture's familiar of." It makes her laugh a lot, not wanting to admit it's true. She likes how Lexa soothes her. She believes she'd do that for anybody in this situation, but she still appreciates it.
"Thank you. I'll try my best, so, at the end of the day, you can go home with the same number of bones in your hand you had when you came here."
"I appreciate it, Clarke. If I were a guy, I would even more."
They're the first in the line for the next round of rides, and Clarke can feel her heart beating in her ears. It doesn't really take her by surprise when Lexa chooses the two front seats. Lexa is the first one to sit down. Unhesitatingly, she secures herself with all the belts and harnesses, already familiar with the procedure. The worker makes sure she's safe before going to the other side where Clarke sat, with a look of sheer panic on her face.
The roller coaster slowly started to climb up, like it was buying time for everyone to brace themselves.
Lexa turns to see how Clarke's doing. She smiles brightly when she sees Clarke with her eyes shut tight.
"I know it seems unbelievable, Clarke, but the ride will be the most enjoyable if you are completely relaxed. You just have to let yourself feel it. Maybe, one day you'll understand what I'm talking about."
"Just not today." Lexa lets out a laugh when Clarke peeks at her carefully with one eye opened. Clarke opens both of her eyes and looks down. Seeing how high they are, she immediately shuts her eyes again.
Lexa knew you couldn't experience it fully if you don't look. The feeling you get when you're upside down, looking at your own wiggly legs is not something you can achieve by just feeling your whole body turn. She knew this ride like a palm of her hand; each twist and each loop.
"Everything is scarier with your eyes open, but at least you get to feel everything the way it should be felt." And then, as Clarke persuaded herself to open her eyes, the roller coaster made a steep turn to the right.
Clarke lives through the next minute and a half in flashes.
(...)
As soon as the roller coaster stops, everyone rushes to unbuckle their belts, wanting to try all the rides before Gardaland closes. Everyone except Clarke.
She's paralyzed in her seat, with eyes shut and lips slightly parted, her sweaty hands still tightly gripping the shoulder harness. Lexa turns to Clarke carefully, without making a sound, and the sight of the blonde girl beside her makes her insides all warm and fuzzy. Clarke's sweaty forehead and shallow breathing just leave less to Lexa's imagination. Her eyes travel from the drop of sweat that escaped beneath Clarke's collarbone, glancing down to the pulsating vein on her hand and her long, pale fingers.
"Clarke, are you alright? Come on, we have to go", Lexa manages to break out of a trance, worried that Clarke might get a panic attack.
But it's far from that.
Clarke doesn't get panic attacks. She's trained to think clearly in all kinds of situations, leaving any problems she has outside her head when she's entering the operating room. She doesn't get to think about anything else with somebody else's life in her hands. Nobody asks how your day was when it's a matter of life and death.
It was the joy of the ride, the butterflies in her stomach that went crazier as the twists got more challenging, the thrill that just seemed to grow when the roller coaster accelerated. It was a minute and a half of pure adrenaline. And with the most beautiful girl she's ever seen sitting beside her, she felt everything.
But Lexa doesn't know that yet, and Clarke's going to enjoy all of it while she can.
She is going to let Lexa put an arm around her, and she won't flinch when Lexa's fingers gently brush the skin on her hip where her shirt lifted up. She will get a little bit closer to her, so close that Lexa's brown locks tickle her already flushed cheeks, enjoying the minty smell of her hair.
Lexa doesn't mind the closeness at all.
As soon as she figured out Clarke's legs were like jello, she hurried to help and support her weight, before she could crack up. She didn't want to be rude to the girl she just met and was attracted to intensely.
Yet, she couldn't help it, and a small smile escaped her lips at the sight before her. The golden haired girl walked like she had a broom up her ass. Lexa manages to help her sit down, noticing Clarke's hands trembling in her lap.
Without a lot of thinking, her hand finds its way on top of Clarke's, her palm drawing soothing circles on the soft skin. She remembers how Costia did the same for her when the demons from her nightmares used to wake her up screaming in the middle of the night. But Costia is not here anymore, and there's no one who could make her believe that everything would be okay and that it's safe to go back to sleep.
She wonders if Clarke could.
Her trail of thoughts is broken by a sudden arrival of the two dark haired girls with huge grins plastered on their faces. Lexa doesn't recognize either of them, and it catches her by surprise when the shorter one with braids points her finger at Clarke and whispers something to the other girl who starts laughing uncontrollably.
"You look like someone fucked you for five hours straight, although we know that straight isn't really your thing", Octavia says.
"Probably not far from the truth", Raven glances at Lexa a little too long for Clarke's liking, with that smug smile Clarke knew so well. She believed her friends had a special superpower just for her - the worst timing for embarrasing their best friend.
Lexa sheepishly averts her gaze on their hands in Clarke's lap, but when Clarke looks up, she notices a barely visible smile on Lexa's lips. Clarke wants to laugh at the remark, but she doesn't want to make Lexa uncomfortable, especially not after everything she's done for her.
Clarke catches Raven's eyes on their intertwined hands, but she doesn't remove hers. The teasing that she was getting prepared for never came, and she was thankful for that.
"Octavia, Raven, this is Lexa. If it weren't for her, you'd probably find me passed out in the seat of the ride you wanted to go to next", Clarke breaks the awkward silence, not being able to bear the tension.
"Nice to meet you", Lexa says, her hand still on top of Clarke's, not leaving her side.
"You too. You must be pretty special then", Clarke's eyes go wide as a church door hearing Raven's answer. She hopes Lexa doesn't feel how tense she became. Lexa just tilts her head to the side, waiting for the girl to continue.
Instead, Octavia speaks up.
"Yeah, this is the first time here for our girl Clarke, so it's a bit overwhelming for her. To be honest, more than we thought it'd be. Given that she's a neurosurgeon, we expected she'd handle it better. Thankfully, you were in the right place at the right time." Clarke rolls her eyes. It's not like she was dying, it was just... a lot to take.
"No problem. I remember my first time here also. It wasn't much different, if it makes you feel better", Lexa offers a smile to Clarke, and she smiles back.
It was difficult to imagine Lexa being afraid. In Clarke's eyes, Lexa was fearless. She's never seen anyone whose face looked so relaxed, green eyes peaceful while the roller coaster was casually climbing up to the vertiginous height of 108 feet, before the huge drop down. While everyone screamed their hearts out, Lexa kept smiling like she was shooting a commercial for Colgate. Clarke wonders how much time spends here, not knowing that she'd find out soon.
"Are you okay?" Raven asks.
"I will be." Clarke wanted to scream at the world that she's perfectly fine, with her hand still in Lexa's. She hasn't felt this alive in years.
"Go. Do what you have to do. She is safe with me. Don't worry, I will handle her from here", Lexa encourages Raven, seeing the hesitancy in her warm, brown eyes.
"Oh, I bet you will." Clarke responds with a death stare on Octavia's commentary, but she didn't really mind. She just wanted to be alone with Lexa, who couldn't help but laugh at the obvious teasing.
"While we're talking about the bets, where's my bear?" Raven asks, and Octavia takes them to the closest booth so she can win the biggest, fluffiest bear for her. Raven said that Clarke's going to come back traumatized from the ride while Octavia was sure she wasn't going to make a big deal out of it. Neither of them expected that she would meet a gorgeous girl who was delighted to help her. They were glad she did.
Clarke waits for a few moments to lose sight of Octavia and Raven before all the "thank yous" start leaving her mouth, but she doesn't find the old Lexa sitting right next to her. The tiny smile from her lips is gone and Clarke is unable to find playfulness in her eyes that was there just a moment ago, for they are now distant and cold.
"Hey... hey, what's the matter?" No response. And Clarke doesn't want to be the one to let to. They were just getting started.
"Lexa, look at me. Please don't shut me out." Lexa's eyes find hers, without a word.
"What's wrong? I know my friends can be total jerks and I'm sorry if they offended y- ", she doesn't finish because Lexa cuts her off.
"It's not that. It's just...I don't really know what I'm doing here."
"What do you mean?" Lexa hesitates a little, taking a deep breath. The truth is, she never told anyone about it. She's kept it burried deep beneath the surface, but after all those years, the pieces are fighting their way through the cracks. Lexa knows it's safer if she keeps resisting it, but for the first time, she lets it spill out. (note: a cool comparison is needed here, only spilling like an overflowing sink in my mind rn)
"I was standing in front of that booth where Octavia and Raven headed when I first saw her. I couldn't help but smile looking at her, she was so radiant. When she noticed me and started walking towards me, I thought I'd faint. But, without introducing herself, she won a stuffed bear so huge she could barely carry it. She gave it to me instead of a handshake, saying her name was Costia. That was the beginning of our story." She was genuinely listening to her, and Lexa knew she made a right choice. So she continues, encouraged by Clarke's firm gaze.
"But neither of us imagined the end would come just 3 years after. She was diagnosed with bone cancer and I cried more than she did when we found out it was too late. She was a true warrior, but that battle was impossible to win. She was gone just 8 months after the diagnosis. For her last wish, she wanted me to promise I wouldn't give up when she leaves. And I did. I promised her that each year without her, I will come back here searching for someone that could make me feel like she did."
"What year is this?" It's the only question Clarke found the strength to ask her.
"Seventh." Clarke doesn't even realize she's crying until Lexa catches a tear on her cheek. With one swift move, she wipes her eyes. Lexa is the one spilling her heart out to her, and she has to be the strong one this time.
"Maybe you should stop trying. Rather than coming here with a mission, you should enjoy the memories, without feeling obligated to make the new ones. You have the power to revisit the past, but not live in it. And I think that's fucking amazing."
Because of these words she heard, and the smile Clarke's giving her, Lexa feels a hundred pounds lighter.
"Thank you." Lexa knows no words can be enough for what Clarke did, but after all, it was the only thing she could give her right now. It has been a long time since someone really listened to her.
"Thank you for finding the strength for telling me. I guess we both have some fears to overcome."
"There's no better place for that than this one, Clarke. Let's go, I have an idea." They're walking hand in hand, and Clarke thinks maybe it's not hard as she makes it to be, especially not now and like this, with Lexa.
"What the fuck is that?" Lexa laughs at the mix of Clarke's amazement and horror written on her face.
"That is Space Vertigo and we're going up."
"Lexa, you know I am absoutely terrified of heights, you saw!" Lexa understands. The sight of a 130 feet tower is as horrid as it is breathtaking.
"I do, Clarke. That's exactly why we're here. This one lasts only for a few seconds, so you won't have to scream for a long time. I'll go with you, I promise." Clarke trusts her, not wanting to waste a chance like this. She wants to hold Lexa's hand a little more. Besides, she likes hearing her name rolling off Lexa's lips. She promised herself she is going to make the best of this.
"Why are you so sure I am going to be the only one screaming?"
"Oh, I am. I don't scream anymore, I just quietely enjoy it. It took a lot of practice." Lexa nonchalantly shrugs her shoulders, but Clarke finds it impossible to believe her.
"You're fucking kidding me. Wanna bet?" Clarke knows she's in too deep now, but it's too late. The words already left her mouth.
"It would be a pleasure. What are the rules?"
"I say it's impossible not to scream on this drop tower, and you disagree. The loser has to do something the winner is scared of."
"Clarke, I already know you are going to make me eat something disgusting." But Lexa didn't have a clue what were Clarke's real intentions.
"Are you already doubting your win?" Seeing Clarke smirk, Lexa pushes her lightly on the seat before taking the one next to her.
They slowly start going up the moment it was sure everyone was safe in their seats.
When it dropped, Clarke was sure her heart left hanging in the air above them.
Lexa didn't make a sound.
Instead, she helped Clarke stand up, supporting her weight until she was sure she can do it on her own. Clarke catches her looking at her so caringly with those gorgeous emerald eyes, unable to shake off the warm feeling in her chest.
"That was sick", Clarke says weakly. She wants to do it again, just to be sure she didn't lose.
"It's kind of hard to think there is anything that makes your knees weak." Clarke was desperately trying to come up with something, but none of it was enough for Lexa.
"There is only one thing, but I truly want to believe you've risen up to the dare." Lexa is expecting a response, but all she gets are ocean eyes travelling down her face.
"Kiss me." And Clarke does.
It is slow and delicate, the way their lips gently brush before Lexa brings her shaky hand to Clarke's jawline, closing the distance. When Clarke captures Lexa's bottom lip, Lexa pulls her closer until there's no distance between them. Clarke lets out a soft moan, feeling shivers where Lexa fingers touched her neck. Lexa smiles into the kiss, her hand getting lost in Clarke's golden hair. They don't rush, letting themselves getting lost in each other after all those years of searching.
And for the first time, Clarke feels more alive than she ever was before. And she is going to let herself feel what she has been doing for all those people she saved.
She's going to let Lexa care of her.