Fire: Hi! Welcome to Kisuke's White Day Special! I'm making an exception for today and loading outside of my usual schedule. Why? Because—
Sasuke: Because it's White Day?
Fire: (smacks Sasuke in the head) Don't interrupt me! And introduce yourself for the people who don't watch Naruto first, Sasuke!
Sasuke: Ore-wa Uchiha Sasuke-des.
Fire: Say it in English for those who don't know Japanese! This is an English fic!
Sasuke: Name-wa Uchiha Sasuke-d—
Fire: (annoyed) I said English fic!
Sasuke: Boku-wa Uchiha Sasuke-d—
Fire: (annoyedly ignoring Sasuke) This is Sasuke! He's my cowriter. He writes everything with me…including this fic, even though it's not Naruto.
Shinji: Ahem!
Fire: And here's Hirako Shinji. He helps me with my Bleach fics.
Shinji: Yoroshiku. (bows)
Fire: And to keep things from becoming biased, we also have the creative assistant assigned by the shinigami and Ishida Uryuu.
Renji: I never wanted to help with this stupid—
Uryuu: (pushing up his glasses) Swear and I'll have to shoot you.
Fire: Well, I'm going to stop talking now. I'm sure no one wants to hear any more of my useless talk.
Uryuu: That's so true.
Kisuke: What about me! What about me!
Fire: No one cares. (pulls up the oneshot)
Kisuke: But I'm the star!
Ichigo: I'm the star!
Fire: Urusai! They're trying to read! (pastes the story onto the window)
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Legend
It's pretty straightforward in this fic. I'm not writing one unless you absolutely can't figure out what's going on.
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Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to Kubo-sensei, but if anyone can find the stocks, I'd like to buy some. All characters were forced to participate under penalty of…I'm just forcing them to do it. No Bleach characters were harmed in the making of this fanfiction…except for Urahara Kisuke.
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Warning: Fire and Fire's cowriters and muses are not responsible for any injuries resulting from reading this fanfic. If you laugh too hard, you were warned. This is humour.
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Kisuke's White Day Special
A Fire Project
Oneshot
The sun was shining. The March air was cool and refreshing. And Urahara Kisuke was walking happily towards the high school with a gigantic bag slung over Tessai's back. There really weren't any correlation among these three things but somehow, Kisuke liked to think there was. The sun was always shining when he was happy, although he was always happy on White Day.
"The second person on the list..." Kisuke said as he looked at the name by the number two. "...is Rukia-san!" ...even though she hadn't given him anything for Valentine's Day.
In fact, no one had given him anything.
Except for Yoruichi.
But a punch in the head didn't count.
"Rukia-san!" Kisuke sang as he pushed his way into the classroom. A wave of bewildered stares fixed themselves on the strange blond man who danced into the room with the next words, "here's your return gift!" And he handed a small white box to the girl. "And one for you." He handed one to Orihime. "And one for you and you." And one for Tatsuki and Rangiku. "And one for you." His hands came out of his pockets with enough presents for the entire female population of the class. And he hadn't even reached into the bag on Tessai's back! "And of course, there's one for you, Ochi-sensei." He beamed widely at the speechless woman. If there were presents for her, she didn't care who was disrupting her class.
"What are you doing here, hentai-ossan!" Ichigo yelled, as annoyance overwhelmed him. He had forgotten that it was White Day, and now everyone was going to expect him to come up with presents he didn't have.
"Daijoubu. Daijoubu! I didn't forget you, Ichigo!" He sang as he pranced up, and handed a present to the orange-haired boy.
The entire class was shocked into silence faster than when "Ichigo" accidentally kissed Tatsuki's hand.
"Uh..." Ichigo threw it out the window. That was too weird for him.
"And I didn't forget you, Renji-chan!" Kisuke handed a green box to the redhead as well. Then, he drew enough green boxes out of his pockets for the entire male population of the classroom. "And of course, a special one for you, Toushiro-kun!" Tessai dumped the sack onto the white-haired boy's desk. "Enjoy!" And Kisuke ran out with Tessai trailing after him.
The classroom was silent.
With curious hands, Toushiro and the rest of the class opened their presents. The humans squealed with happiness when they drew out their gifts, but the shinigami only stared at the pieces of paper in their boxes. While everyone had real gifts, they had...
"A coupon to Urahara Shoten. Half price on any purchase over one hundred thousand yen," Renji read.
"What is this!" Toushiro yelled from his desk. He was the only one with a "special" gift.
Rangiku looked up from her coupon to see the gigantic letters written across a bottle taller than the jyuubantai-taichou. "Miracle gel. Guaranteed to help you grow taller. Money back guarantee?"
"Is he calling me short?" Toushiro fumed, his expression suddenly dark as he leapt out of his gigai and jumped out the window after Kisuke. "I'm going to kill you!"
"Any...purchase?" Rukia thought for a moment before turning to Ichigo. "Since you don't want yours, I want it." She held out her hand. She could buy a lot of Soul Society merchandise with these coupons.
"I threw it out the window."
"And that's Hitsugaya-taichou!"
Ichigo sighed, embarrassed by the activity below his window. He was just glad that everyone was too distracted by the presents in their hands to notice it. And no one noticed Hitsugaya's gigai pressing some of the "miracle gel" into his hands.
End Oneshot
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Fire's babbling:
Kisuke: Just call me Santa!
Ichigo: It's March!
Fire: Send me reviews. I guarantee that I'll reply to them. If you don't think this is funny enough, send me your opinion. Flames are welcome. Signed flames are even more welcome. If you flame me with a signed-in flame, I'll read your stories to get a better idea of what you're talking about. (smiles)
Uryuu: You have a problem.
Sasuke: I knew that already.
Renji: Miracle gel?
Toushiro: I'm not short!
Kisuke: (looms over Toushiro) Of course, you're not short!
Fire: Send me reviews! I want to hear your opinion whether they're really long, really short of just a shout of "good job!" I want to hear them! Send them to me! I know you're listening!
Sasuke: I'm closing this window before Fire really gets out of it.
Uryuu: Fire has a lot of mental meltdowns? It seems to happen a lot
Sasuke: (nods) …
Fire: Send me your reviews!
Sasuke: Ja ne! (turns to Renji) We need to get Fire to the yonbantai-taisha. We need Unohana-taichou to take a look. (grabs Fire and runs)
Shinji: Guess it's just the two of us.
Kisuke: (nods with a smile) Want to come back to the shoten?
Shiji: You're not experimenting on me.
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