Disclaimer: I don't own Avatar: The Last Airbender.
Remembrance of White Fire
Ursa was nineteen when she was engaged to Prince Ozai. She was of a noble family, one who had been close acquaintances of the Fire Palace for centuries. She had been the second oldest of three siblings- two sisters and one brother. Earlier that winter, her elder sister passed away due to a plague. She was her brother's senior by 5 years- he was only fourteen. It was required of her to have a proper marriage in order to sustain the family.
It was known throughout the nation that Prince Ozai was looking for a wife. He was young, only a little older than 20. Her father urged her on, and she complied, not wanting to fail her family. It had been her duty to carry on her family's pride.
She had never seen Prince Ozai until the day of the wedding. A few months before, she had met with Fire Lord Azulon, and Fire Lady Ila. She gained their approval instantly. Ursa was a learned woman, polite and mannered, with a position in society. Nights after, a man knocked at their door, delivering a golden scroll. It was stamped with royal seal.
The wedding was elegant- every noble was invited. But Ursa didn't attend. She sat in the back room, nervous and dizzy. She twisted the veil until the strings snapped, but no one was there to care. In her mind, she imagined the face of her soon-to-be husband. He would be charming. A broad forehead, high cheekbones, a square jaw, smiling lips. And golden eyes. She smiled.
She had not been surprised when they met. He had golden eyes. But that was it. Cold, cold eyes that had never seen love, only war. Silently, she wondered what kind of childhood he had had. And she prayed that her children would grow up better.
First bow to Agni.
At the height of the grand altar there is an immense statue of their god, carved in gold and engraved in jewels. She silently prays for happiness.
Second bow to the parents.
She faces her mother and father, both who look happy and pleased with the marriage. They smile, her mother's eyes wrinkling in the corners, her father's, still hard but with a tiny flicker of tenderness. They are happy, and this warms her heart.
Third bow to the couple.
She sees her husband, his back is stiff, his eyes on the ground. They bow low, head almost touching the floor, before rising slowly. She meets his eyes for a second. They don't hold a single drop of love, only apathy. He doesn't care for her, for this wedding.
She knows that she won't be happy.
The Fire Nation is strong, and only those in the Palace know that it is about to crumble. Three years has gone by, and Ursa was still not fertile. If an heir was not obtained, the future of the nation would be in jeopardy. She knows that Prince Iroh had a son, but it was important to take measures to sustain the line.
You will bear a strong son, the elders tell her. He will accomplish much.
She goes to the shrine everyday, and prays. She kneels, knees sore and bruised, sweat running down her back because there are no windows in the shrine, only a hot fire that stares at her. She wants a daughter, someone who she can teach to be beautiful but deadly.
You will bear a son, Ozai states, his mouth against her neck.
She wants a daughter, but needs a son, and that is what she prays for.
The doctors crowd around her, the nurses running around. They are the nation's best, and yet they are worried, scared like lost children. Desperation is all over their faces. Hurry up! She's losing too much blood, we have to stop it!
Even though her vision is blurred, she can tell that Prince Ozai isn't there to see his first child.
She hadn't expected him to.
He was always a cold man. Days before he said that he had a mission in the Earth Kingdom. She understood that it was important, and it wasn't her place to interfere. Because all she is was his wife, and she had no say in his destiny. So she remained silent, knowing that the baby was going to come.
There is white light in her vision, and she knows she is in pain- she can feel it in the sweat beading on her forehead, in her labored breathing, in the quicken heartbeat, in the way that she clutches the blankets that are stained red, her knuckles white. But she cannot feel it because it is unreal, because this is not her, because she is not the wife of the man who has left her.
Somewhere a baby wails. It is two in the morning, and the sky is still dark, but there are no stars because it is a clear night. A maid rushes to the carriage, quickly bringing the baby into the other room, a whitewashed room, perfect for a hospital. She knows that the princess is there, expecting the baby because, surely, she has heard the cry. Ursa is still sick, with high fever from the heavy labor, but she is conscious, unable to sleep. Many times she demanded that the baby be in her room, but the nurses refuse, stating that it would cause a fever to the newborn. When the maid runs in, the mother is awake, her eyes burning with concern. Quickly, the young girl hands him over.
Zuko, she says, cradling him lovingly against herself, be still. Instantly the baby is silenced, hiccup and cooing, his little hands wrapped around a strand of hair. Ursa smiles, this is a good sign. He cries heartily, he will be strong.
She loves her son, and she knows that Prince Ozai is happy. He never smiled, at least not in her presence, but there is a slight glow in his eyes that signify pleasure. No, she is wrong. He doesn't understand happiness unless on the battlefield. It is more of satisfaction at what they had created. The glow in his eyes is similar to that of a carpenter receiving a new hammer. The baby fulfills his standards.
But Ursa loves Zuko in a different way. Although he is yet young, only 2 months, she knows that he will be great. Because he is her son, and she cares for him.
Zuko is only 6 months old when Prince Ozai is unhappy. Late at night, when he wraps his arms around her waist, she hears him mutter lucky to be born. She pretends not to hear him because it brings tears to her eyes. Every time.
Zuko is not perfect, she understands, but he is her son. Their son. But Prince Ozai is ashamed of having sired such a failure, for he is perfect. He expects too much of his son.
The baby is progressing at a slow rate. He stumbles when he crawls, tripping over his own feet. Prince Ozai sees this fault, and curses under his breath. Zuko does not know how to say a word yet, only slight sounds, only cooing of a just-birthed child. Prince Ozai is angry when he notices this. And this makes Ursa sad. Because somehow, she feels this is her fault, that she created such a lame child.
The looks that he gives her aren't helping.
He whispers along her neck I want another son. Zuko is only 6 months old, and Ursa tries to say that it is too early, but she does not because it would only anger the prince. So she nods, because there is nothing else that she could say. She wishes to please him, even if it is temporarily.
She goes to the shrine everyday after that, her knees bruised again and again. She wants a daughter, but she prays for another son.
At 8 months, Zuko begins to make words, not just cooing sounds, but words. Ursa is so proud of son, though Prince Ozai looks at the baby with disgust and states how the Fire Lord spoke when only 3 months old. But Ursa doesn't care, she just doesn't care for anything but her baby.
Zuko reaches his tiny hand up, and cooes, laughing, his eyes shining in happiness and innocence that only babies know. But already, Ursa sees a cloud of darkness in them, and she hopes that it is only a speck of dirt.
Prince Ozai keeps looking at her swollen belly, and she knows that he hopes for a strong son, a proud son, and Ursa hopes that she bears him one. Zuko laughs again.
"Maaa," he coos, and Ursa freezes for a second, and then she looks down at her baby, pulling his little hands together, and hides her face from Prince Ozai, though he is already gone. Her tears are already coming down anyways. "Ma".
She cannot describe her happiness when the doctors tell her that she has a daughter. She is conscious this time. Her body was damaged giving birth to Zuko, but it had been easy after the first push. She sees the baby, and Ursa smiles, a tightening of her lips because she doesn't have enough strength to do much more.
But when she holds the baby, her heart drops and she is terrified. The baby is not crying heartily, but only slight wails every few seconds. They are not painful and loud, but they hurt still the same. Ursa looks at the doctor, and her eye asks is there something wrong with my baby? but the look the doctor gives tells her that he doesn't know the answer either.
Even if there was something wrong, Ursa knows that she loves her just the same. This time Prince Ozai is in the room, though he sits in the corner, not speaking at all. But Ursa is glad for this comforts her. The doctor opens his mouth what shall we name the baby?
Ursa knows that she wants he to be named after herself, because it was her baby after all. Prince Ozai beats her to it. Name her Azula, after the great Fire Lord Azulon. Ursa almost argues back because she is hazy from the drugs that they gave her. But she bites back just in time, and does not say anything. The doctor nods.
Without saying any more, without even looking at the baby, Prince Ozai leaves.
Azula is not sickly like Zuko was, and her eyes opens within a 5 days. They're golden, and Ursa hopes that Prince Ozai sees this but he doesn't- how can he we he doesn't even look at his daughter. Zuko's beginning to walk now, though slowly for a baby of 15 months. Azula is 1 month old, and Ursa hopes that the 14-month age difference will not separate the siblings.
Already Zuko is spending more and more time with his father, and Prince Ozai is taking him to the training grounds today to show him the rookie soldiers. She knows that he doens't understands fighting and war, she strongly hopes that he doesn't, but can't help but smile when he comes back, happier and happier each day.
Azula still does not cry, but Ursa knows that there is nothing to worry for she is a healthy baby. She does not scream or wail, but sits there cold and calculating, her eyes unfocused, her little hand playing dumbly with her blanket. Ursa picks up the child, and is so glad to here a coo come from her child that she holds her closer.
Azula is observant and watches everything that Ursa does, although now she is starting to make noises. They aren't words, but isn't it a bit too early for she is only 4 months old? Ursa is relieved for she doesn't want another Azulon in the family.
At 6 months, Azula says her first thing, and Ursa is terrified, because it is a whole sentence. Ursa pretends not to hear it, but it's hard when it's glued to her mind. Prince Ozai notices, and for the first time, there is some sort of recognition in his eyes, that he might actually admit that she is his daughter, princess of fire. The name suits her so well that Ursa cries.
"The Fire Nation will win the war," little Azula says, her eyes beaming, and a new look crosses her face, and Ursa would do anything, anything to have her baby back because everyone knows that it is too late.
Azula is only 1 1/2 years old, and is thinking like a 3 year old. Her sentences are long and articulate, leaving her older brother looking like an idiot. She's already started walking, and runs clumsily. Zuko is always faster and Azula can never catch up, but she keeps on trying, everyday. There is that determined look in her, and when Ursa asks her why, she answers, "I want to be perfect".
She is not 2 years old and she is already thinking of perfection. She's not sure where the young girl has learned this sentence, but she must have heard it somewhere in the castle.
Ursa runs the damp towel over a small cut in her leg, and the baby flinches in her arms, before holding back a cry. Ursa looks at her and smiles, and her heart breaks. She knows that her baby hasn't had a proper childhood, growing up in the palace, and she's turning into a machine of war. She knew that it would happen, that it was inevitable, but maybe, just perhaps, she would be a child before a soldier.
Ursa loves her daughter's hair. It is soft and strong, flexible and powerful at the same time. The dark shade of ebony frames her pale face and golden eyes wonderfully. Azula is very obedient, she notices, and does not flinch, even when a knot is pulled out from the back of her head.
Ursa runs her fingers through the hair, smiling to herself and wondering what ornaments should go in her hair- ribbons or bows?
Mother, I just want a clip to hold up the bangs, Azula states and knocks away the bow that Ursa has put in her hair. Her mother frowns, but consents, tying her hair into a topknot, pinning it closed with a clip.
Azula thanks her before walking away.
The siblings are playing together, and Ursa watches from the door. Zuko is building a castle from building blocks. Ursa frowns, and cannot see what Azula is doing. Her back is turned, slight bangs hair hiding her face.
Look mother, little Zuko says, pulling on her robe. She looks down, giving him her hand, and he guides her to his spot near the window, the sunlight turning his hair a blazing fire. Ursa sees a very tall building. I'm going to live there one day! Zuko cries, laughing. Ursa stoops down to examine the crooked architecture.
What's wrong with living in the palace? Ursa asks. Zuko pouts.
It's too crowded, he states. He sits down on the ground, fumbling with other blocks. Ursa smiles slightly at the boy, his features the model of innocence. He begins to build another piece, which he explains to be the pond for the turtleducks.
Just then, the blocks are knocked down violently, wooden chips flying sporadically through the air. Zuko begins to cry, and Ursa stares at the cause.
You know why Zuzu can't live in the palace? Azula sneers down at her brother. It's because palaces are for kings. But he won't be Fire Lord- I'll beat him to it.
Ursa doesn't like Azula's friend, Mai. She's strange and quiet; yet there is too much going on in her eyes. Ty Lee she likes- she's bubbly and innocent, cheerful and happy.
Ursa wishes Azula would be more like Ty Lee.
Azula is seven, but she still sits in front of the mirror each day. The reflection shows a small girl with a fire in her eyes, and her mother, strong and frail at the same time, brushing her hair. Ursa is surprised that Azula still allows her hair to be brushed by her mother. She knows that the girl can do it herself.
I just want a clip to hold up the bangs, Azula states. Ursa pauses in her brushing.
She loves Azula and the fact that she's still able to brush her hair.
Ozai looks on Azula with pride each day, and Zuko with contempt. Ursa doesn't understand this- both children are to be loved equally. When the announcement of their visit to Azulon is confirmed, Ursa is scared. She doesn't want to meet the man that her children will someday become.
She doesn't need to watch to know that Azula has greatly pleased the Fire Lord. Even at her young age, she is talented, a prodigy. Her bending powers rival even the best masters in the palace. Ursa feels Zuko shift in his seat. Even now, the siblings hate each other. Zuko hates Azula for her talent, and Azula hates Zuko just to spite him.
Ursa doesn't need to be a physic to know that Azulon loves Azula. But when Zuko falls and everyone looks at him with shame, Ursa is the only one to comfort him. She sees Azula snicker from the side, and can't help but wonder what is the matter with that child?
Ursa overhears Azula threatening Zuko, and grabs her by her arm. She leads her around the corner, setting her against the wall, and looks her in the eye.
Why do you do this?
Do what?
Why must you treat your brother like this? Ursa doesn't understand why Azula does not meet her eyes, but stares at the marble floors.
Because he's a failure. Azula whispers, and Ursa is angry that a sister could judge her brother so easily. Suddenly Azula jerks her head up, and Ursa sees that the orbs are misty.
Why do you always take Zuko's side? Why? she screams this, and Ursa is speechless. The girl had never shown this much emotion. Her voice is cracking, and her sobs are choking her. But no tears come out, they just well up in the pool of the eyes.
Why do you love Zuko? Don't you love me mother?
Azula turns and runs away, and Ursa doesn't have the heart to chase her down.
Azula is sleeping quietly, her face buried against her pillows. She was always a silent child, yet tonight she's twisting and turning in the sheets. Ursa places a hand on her head, and feels sweat dripping down from her scalp.
Ursa is sorry that she yelled at Azula. She's sorry that she never showed Azula what it was like to be a woman. She's sorry that she won't be there to see her daughter grow up.
She's sorry that she loves Azula.
Because, in the end, Ursa loves Azula. Too much to let her go.
Swooping down, she plants a kiss on the girl's head. And she hopes that Azula can forgive her for all that has gone wrong.
Ursa doesn't have to count to know that Azula's 15 years old now. All the years had been adding up, quietly in her head. It's been so long since she left the palace, she wonders why she left in the first place, but one look at her daughter, and she regrets it.
Azula is grown, slim and fair, deadly in her stance. The fires still burn in her eyes, but they are shadowed by some being, some evil that Ursa knows that was inevitable. She hopes that Zuko is faring better.
You look like a peasant, mother, Azula hisses, staring down at the woman with contempt. Ursa smiles.
You look like a princess.
Azula pays no attention, scanning the horizon as if to take in the scene of the massacre. She looks at the woman again, no emotion apparent in those eyes.
Zuzu's banished, Azula states, vilely. A pang hits Ursa's heart, but she knows all this already. She can only nod, and hope that Azula would tell her more about the son she left back so many years ago. But Azula states no more.
Ursa stands up, though her legs are torn and shaking, she stands. Azula is surprised that the woman is still alive, but does not act. Ursa smiles awkwardly at her daughter, and suddenly laughs, tears rolling down her cheeks.
I love you Azula.
She can feel the air tense, all holding their breath. The princess does not speak, the queen does not move. Then the storm crashes, and the connection is broken.
Mother.
Mother. She voices it carefully, softly, harshly and roughly. And suddenly, as Ursa falls to her knees, she is pressed upon her daughter's body, her hair falling in ribbons across her face.
Ursa finally understands everything. She still regrets leaving Azula, but is content to find her daughter has matured into a fine woman. There is nothing more to do.
She is content, even as the knife plunges into her womb, and she chokes on her blood and tears.
Because Ursa loves Azula, always had and always will.
A/N: Season Two's Finale was simply disappointing. It was extremely corny and clichéd. The Kataang and Zutara hints were forced, and much too sappy. The action scenes were rushed, the bending lacking in effort. All in all: I hope the episodes were a joke. A sick, sick joke.