This is quite possibly the most random, retarded, flat-out WRONG crack fic you will ever read. ever. everly ever ever. SO DON'T SAY WE DIDN'T WARN YOU.
This is a collab between me and my friend Sarah that was written over Instant Messenger. Plain parts are mine, parts in italics are hers.
---DISCLAIMER---
I do not own FMA or any of its related characters. duhrr. By the end of this story you will be thanking GOD for that much.
WARNING: Liable to cause nightmares. you have been warned.
Once apon a time there was a very secksy (but short) blond-haired (and short) alchemist (who was short) named Edward Elric. This alchemist (who happened to be short) had been fighting the homunculi for what seemed like an eternity. He hated them, despised them. They sucked!!!!!! ...right?...
But then Edward (who was short) slowly began to realize that one certain homunculus turned him on. a lot. Gleaming white eyes, fatrolls bouncing and flailing everywhere...it was a gay man's dream. "I MUST FIND AND RAPE GLUTTONY," he thought to himself. The Short Alchemist licked his lips and started to get a hard-on as he imagined the fat homunculus on his knees. In a maid costume. With random-ass uke kitty ears. (YOU KNOW?!??? HOW THEY ALWAYS PUT THOSE ON UKE CHARACTERS!!111?? ahh??? 8o????) There was only one thing on his mind...
...KINKY BUTTSECKS.
--
Gluttony sat in his bed, playing with his rolls of fat. Lust was gone..somewhere. Gluttony could now do whatever he wanted to.
He reached under the bed and pulled out a box. He licked his lips and took it to the bathroom, where he locked the door and opened the box. Inside was a maid costume. Gluttony pulled it on, taking several minutes to get it over his rolls of fat. Once he had it on, two uke ears popped out from under the fat in his head. He spun around, fat jiggling, and struck a pose in front of the mirror. Hopping up and down in glee, he watched as his sexy fat jiggled up and down. Gluttony stopped jumping. He couldn't handle it, he was so sexy...
--
Little did the short 'n' SECKSAY alchemist know that the object of his obsession was thinking of him as well. "unnhhhhh...onegaiiii...GLUTTONY MMNNNNNNnnnnn..." he groaned as he sat at the foot of his bed, jacking off to a picture of Gluttony that he had found in the newspaper from when the fat homunculus had went on a feeding frenzy at the local McDonalds' restraunt and had to be taken down with darts.
"yesss...edward elric?" the voice rang out from behind him, as he could almost hear the SECKSAY BEAST grinning. He turned slowly, eyes open wide, and saw...
--
Gluttony stood there, by the doorway, moonlight shining down and highlighting his fat rolls. He was apparently wearing a maid costume, but most of it was swallowed up by his rolls of fat. His uke ears twitchy in a very secksay manner.
Ed (in all his shortyness 8o) knew that he shouldn't, but he simply couldn't control himself. He forced the secksay beast on his knees, and whispered something in his ear. Gluttony whined. "Please Ed..." he moaned secksily (XD) "do teh secks."
--
And so Edward proceeded to strip Gluttony of his things. And then took off his own things. And decided to put his thing in Gluttony's thing thingily. "UHHNNNNNN...ED...WARD...UUNHHHHHHH..." Gluttony pleaded, screaming at the top of his lungs. But LITTLE DID THE TWO LOVERS KNOW, something (or rather, someONE) had been watching them play with eachother for the past 5 hours, standing in the shadows, slowly getting a hard-on as fat rolls flew everywhere.
Finally, the homunculus couldn't control himself anymore. "EDWARD ELRIC!!!!!!!!!" he screamed randomly, seeming to appear out of nowhere. Said person stopped abruptly, looking up. "hn? 8o??"
--
Envy walked out of the shadows. Ed couldn't take his eyes off the homuculus. He was breathtakingly beautiful. Long, green, spiked hair fell over his face and shoulders, and his pale, muscular arms, legs and stomach were being revealed by a belly shirt and a skort. Envy flicked his head upwards, and green spikes flew across his face in slow motion. Sparkles were now flying around him--
"What the hell? Goddamn sparkles," Envy said and flicked them away. They screamed.
Ed was drooling. So was Gluttony. Suddenly, Ed flicked his eyes open in recognition.
"Envy-sama," he whispered.
--
- - - - - - - - - - - NOW, BACK TO KINKY BUTTSECKS - - - - - - - - - - -
And so the (now-threesome) proceeded to have...well, a threesome. duh. There were many "UHNNNNN"'s, green hair and fatrolls flying about, and just general happiness. The three lay strewn around the room like a bunch of dead guys, totally spent from their previous merriment, and covered with gluttony's fat juice. Just then, the door swung open randomly, and a familiar voice resounded through the room.
"BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
'oh HELL no...'
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OMG PHAIL LOL. if you want to flame me for this, I really don't blame you. but you have to admit it was funny as hell. well at least it is if you're a retarded, sadistic bastard like me and my friend here. Eh sarah patpatpat :D
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Yes. We are retards, perverts, and losers. Love us D:
Simply put, this fic was kind of a way to make fun of the whole impossible pairings thing. And ukes. Ukes are funny. UKE EARS MEW 8o.
So yes. Flame us, if you want, but in the end, we'll just be sitting by our computers laughing.