Tim McGee sat beside Delilah's hospital bed. She was sleeping semi-peacefully, the pain medication helped her sleep, and Tim would reluctantly admit he was grateful. He could hardly bear to look at her. He didn't even try to look at himself in the mirror. He knew she was going to be angry at him. He was angry at himself, but despite that, or maybe even because of that, he was still too cowardly to visit her for long.
Coward. His face burned with renewed shame as the last few days played over and over in his mind like a really bad B movie that Tony would probably laugh his head off at. Only this wasn't a bad B movie and it seemed like it was going to get much worse before it got better.
Paralysis.
Permanent.
Wheelchair bound.
Permanent.
Paralysis.
Tim couldn't stop the whole-body shudder that left him with cold chills.
Delilah was never going to walk again.
He wasn't there with her when she was told the news.
He should've been there.
Fresh, hot tears burned his eyes. He just couldn't. He knew he should, but he couldn't make himself go when he should've. He hated himself for it, but he couldn't face her thinking the thoughts he was thinking, knowing she'd read it on his face. It wasn't like he could lie to her. He was a terrible liar on his best day, but he didn't want her to know what he was thinking, so he tucked his tail between his legs and ran away.
He still wasn't ready to face her. Her parents were annoyed with him, her father already let him have it with both barrels, and he had stoically stood there and took it, knowing he was right and feeling the full brunt of disappointment he felt that his daughter's boyfriend wasn't there.
Still, that was nothing compared to what Delilah would say. That is, if she didn't kick him out the moment she saw him.
He took a deep breath, trying to hold it together as he watched her sleep. She was far too pale, had little cuts on her skin. She wasn't in pain from the waist down anymore but the rest of her body was sore, and she had little cuts all over, thankfully most superficial. Her lower back had taken the worst, paralyzing her.
He should've been there.
For the hundredth time, he wondered if she would forgive him for not being there. He wondered if he'd ever forgive himself. He could practically hear his father yell at him to man up, the exasperation and disappointment dripping from his voice equally. He'd always been a disappointment to his father. He hadn't even told anyone in his family about Delilah yet. He couldn't face that either.
He was such a coward.
He hoped against hope that the doctors had just made a mistake and they'd change their mind and say, "Oops, she's going to walk after all," but the numerous imaging tests they'd done confirmed beyond a doubt that no, there was no oops. Delilah was paralyzed from the waist down and nothing would change that.
A tear slipped down his cheek despite trying not to. He was glad he was here alone except for Delilah. He'd since sent Delilah's parents home to rest and promised them he'd sit with her until the nurses kicked him out, which probably wouldn't be much longer.
He wished there was someone he could talk to about all this. Everything felt up in the air and he couldn't grasp at anything solid. He felt adrift, floating along with no direction. Delilah was in no shape for talking. When she was awake, she cried a lot. The scolding he received from Mrs. Fielding had driven that point home. Even now, he could see she'd been crying earlier. Her tears had dried, but her skin was a little blotchy and dry where she'd wiped her own tears away only to have more replace them.
He should've been here.
He closed his eyes against the guilt that threatened to overwhelm him. He had no idea how he was going to make this right or if he even could. Either way, he couldn't do it tonight. Visiting hours were over, and he would have to leave. He wouldn't wake Delilah for anything now that she was asleep. She needed rest and it appeared she was sleeping deeply, and he was glad. She needed it.
He heard someone in the doorway and figured the nurse was here to kick him out. He quickly swiped at his own tear as he stood up and turned to let the nurse know he was leaving. He blinked in surprise when he saw who it was.