The Letter

By: the female apophis

Disclaimer: Sorry folks, but I don't own them.

Characters: Sam

Spoilers: Slight ones for D&C, but this takes place in an alternate reality.

Summary: I'm sorry that I love you so much that I had to do this…

Song: Inspired, in part, by the song "Long Day" by Matchbox Twenty, but it's not featured in this story.

Other Stuff: I wouldn't plan on it.

Warning: Yep. Lots of angst in this one. Keep tissues handy… hell, I almost cried with this one!

A/N: This was actually incredibly hard to write. I was trying to capture the pain she's going through as she writes this but at the same time, I was trying to keep her detached. I hope you all enjoy it.

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Dear Jack,

Wow, I never imagined it would be this hard to say goodbye.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that you have to sit there and wonder where I am.

I'm sorry that I couldn't find the courage to stay with you.

I'm sorry that I can't find the courage to come back.

When I woke up this morning, I panicked.

I was in a strange bedroom, in a bed that wasn't my own. There was an arm around my waist that I didn't know.

It scared me that I couldn't remember why I was there or who I was with.

But then I heard you say my name in your sleep.

I allowed myself a moment to calm down until fear grabbed me once more.

How is it that something that felt so right could be so wrong?

Last night was one of the best nights of my life, and I'm not just talking about the sex.

You helped me get my mind off him, and for that you have my thanks.

Yesterday was probably one of the worst days of my life.

First, we were forced to admit things that obviously neither of us were willing to admit to ourselves, let alone each other.

Then, someone who was like a brother to me died; I know you saw the kiss I placed on his lips when he died, but that wasn't me saying goodbye.

It was Jolinar. She was saying goodbye to the man that she loved more than life itself.

I can sympathize with her actually. She was willing to do whatever was necessary to keep from hurting him.

But it's not an excuse for what I'm doing now.

I'm leaving you, and I know it's wrong.

I don't want to hurt you Jack, but I know I'm doing that very thing by leaving you.

The past few years have been the most incredible ones of my life.

I've got three of the best friends I could ever ask for, and I've got you.

I felt my heart break this morning when I left your arms.

I need time Jack. Time to think about what we were forced to go through.

I need time to think about what we did to each other last night.

I'm still amazed at how tender with me you were.

The passion that ran through me as your hands explored my body still courses through my veins.

I can still see the look on your face as that passion I was experiencing came to its climax.

I can still feel your hands on my face as they brushed the damp hair out of my eyes.

I can still taste your lips, so sweet and so pure, as they kissed me goodnight.

I will never let those memories die Jack, never.

I hope that one day I'll find the courage to come back.

I hope that one day you'll find it in your heart to forgive me.

I've already given Hammond my resignation. I did it yesterday before I left the base. I realized that I never wanted to live without you again.

Look at me now, running away from the dream that I've had for so long.

I'm sure that by the time you read this, I'll be long gone. Gone from this town, hell possibly the state by now.

I don't really know where I'm going.

But I'll be gone from your life.

I don't expect you to forgive me for this Jack.

I doubt I'll be able to forgive myself.

I don't know when I'm coming back.

That is, if I ever do come back.

I know you're sitting there right now, confused, worried, and hurt, and for that I am sorry.

I'm sorry you have to go through this alone.

I'm sorry that I love you so much that I had to do this.

I don't want you to come looking for me Jack. I don't want you to make this any harder for you than it already is.

You've been my angel, and for that, you have my undying thanks and love.

I love you.

-Sam

Staring down at the paper in her hands, she wiped absently at the tears falling down her face.

Folding it carefully in half, she made sure it was perfectly creased before setting it up against his lamp, right next to the picture of the two of them.

She placed a gentle kiss on his forehead then.

As she left the room, she closed the door.

She closed the door on her last chance of happiness.

-Fin-

Well? What did you think? Did you like it?

I almost cried as I wrote this. The past few days have been an incredibly difficult time for me emotionally. I'm not going to go into details, as it'll probably make you cry. If you're already crying, it'll make you cry harder.

However, I would like to send out a very special 'thank you' to those of you who have been keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. Your strength is what I'm needing right now more than anything.

Give me the strength to keep from giving up.

All of my love,

The female apophis