A sad, alternate ending sort of fix-it fic of Journey's End. Yes, it does have character death in it. Yes, it does have Eleven instead of Ten in it. Hope you enjoy :)
A Hand to Hold
He had regenerated at exactly the wrong time, but it turned out that it had been the best time for him personally. He had staved off one regeneration, his hand and Donna both turning into pseudo versions of himself, but before he could get away from the Daleks and before Donna had stopped them, he had once again been shot and killed by a Dalek.
He'd had enough residual energy left over to make the regeneration, thankfully, and it had gone a bit more smoothly than normal. It was a good thing that his Tenth self always had an excess amount of left over energy for the process because of the way he had changed into his tenth form to begin with.
It was the only thing that saved him.
But now...now he was aware of a big problem, one that wasn't going to be fixed and one that was shattering his new hearts.
He had just dropped off his tenth incarnation's double with Rose (Rose didn't seem too interested in staying with him anymore after the regeneration, rather staying with the one she knew and loved) and Jackie back to Pete's World and now it was just him and Donna.
Donna who was repeating like a broken record. It hit him hard what was happening, and he knew he didn't have much time left with her.
"Donna, do you know what's happening?" he asked her.
She looked up at him, put on a small smile, even as tears filled her eyes and nodded. "Yeah. A Human Time Lord Metacrisis can't happen. My mind is going to burn..."
He nodded, going over to where she was and she backed off a bit. "I was going to stay with you in the TARDIS forever. The DoctorDonna."
Nodding, the Doctor tried smiling at her, knowing it wasn't coming off any better than her own attempts. "I know, Donna, I know. And I would have very much liked that. But you know as much as I do that it can't happen. I'm sorry."
She quickly swiped away a few tears that had begun falling from her eyes and sniffed. "Yeah. I'm going to die."
He nodded and went over to her, and once again she backed up. "Oh, no you don't! I have your mind! You're not getting anywhere near me if all you're going to do is wipe my memories. I don't want to go back to the way I was Doctor, please, don't!"
He grinned at her, and it took every ounce of self control he had not to just fall to his knees and begin crying. There'd be time enough to mourn later.
"You have my tenth self's mind. Not mine. I'm new, later than your Doctor model. And I couldn't do that to you. You're my best friend. It's unthinkable that even he would do that to you..."
And with that she started crying. "I don't want to leave you. I don't want to leave my mum and granddad. Doctor, take me home, before it's too late. Please!"
He nodded, set the coordinates for Donna's house and got the TARDIS in motion. They were soon on their way to what they both knew was going to be Donna's deathbed. He would be strong for her, like she was for him, taking in his regeneration and accepting him fully for still being him.
Before they got to their destination, she had only been able to get one more full sentence out without repeating. She wanted him to hold her hand and be there until she was gone. He'd been unable to refuse. He didn't want to refuse. It was her last moments, and he would make sure she knew how proud he was of her.
Her voice had gone after that. If she tried speaking just garbled repeated nonsense came out, so she shut her mouth, preferring not to speak.
Her death would be silent. It felt very wrong for that to be the way she went, as Donna was a loud person by nature. He took a few, steadying deep breaths before he landed the TARDIS, took her hand in his and began walking her to the door just across the street.
She collapsed, unable to keep on walking half way there, and the worst thing was, he knew that she was aware of what was going on around her. Her body was weakening, along with her mind. He had to drag her to the door, as she was slightly too heavy for him to carry successfully, and he felt horrible for doing that to her.
It was Wilf who answered the door. Wilf who had helped him move her to her bed, carrying her this time, so she would be more comfortable. It was Sylvia that hit him.
"First you go change, and now my daughter is dying! What do you expect?" she had shouted, before Donna glared at her and Sylvia got the message to shut up.
He knew that it could be a while before the Time Lord consciousness in her mind would kill her, though it hadn't been enough time to save her, so, in the end, they had gathered around her bed. He gripped one of her hands tightly in his, hoping that she knew he refused to let go until she was gone.
Wilf had her other hand.
Sylvia sat against the wall opposite the bed, and just watched.
Silence filled the room for an ear shattering five minutes, before the Doctor sighed, brushed his free hand through Donna's hair and decided that someone talking was better than screaming silence. He grinned down at her and ruffled the hair at the back of his head.
"I'm going to tell you a story. Alright?" he said, and he saw Donna blink up at him, before nodding slightly. She was still coherent then. Good. He put his finger to his lips, so the other two would know he meant that he wasn't going to stop until the tale was told. Hopefully he wouldn't be interrupted, because this was as much for them as it was for Donna.
With a deep breath, he started with the one tale he didn't think he'd tell anyone. Right now though, with Donna dying right in front of him, it seemed more than fitting.
"Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, there was a little boy. This boy went out with his dad every night to look at the stars, and in those stars he saw everything. He saw life and hope and love and adventure. And even when he was very little, it was his life's dream to go up there, visit those stars and see the universe. Live in the vast majesty that was space.
"To him, it would be freedom from everything that was his life as he knew it. Because this boy was different. He was different in his way of thinking, different in the way he learnt things, different in every way that made him almost completely unacceptable to his own people.
"He was very sad and very lonely through most of his childhood, because no one else would play with him, because he was so different. His teachers and all the adults around him when he went to school told him he was nothing, that he wouldn't achieve anything in his lifetime.
"But the boy was determined to go ahead and try to live his dream, because in his world, travelling like he wanted to was an option, but only if he got far in life. Did well in school. So, he studied and he studied, but the way the classes were taught bored him so much he couldn't concentrate properly, and the first time he did it, he failed. The next time, he only just managed to pass his exams, and he was only just accepted into the school that would allow him the privilege to travel.
"In this school, he tried very hard to pay attention, because he knew that this would mean whether his dreams would come true or if he would have to settle for less. He passed all his exams but one, and the one he failed was his driver's licence. Without that, he wouldn't be able to travel through those stars, but he was given the rank he had been trying to get most of his life.
"He had managed to make a few friends through his academy years, and he was a little happier, but still, failing that made him static. He'd be stuck on his one little planet, with people who didn't even want to try to accept or understand him. Even with the fame and privilege of his new rank.
"He got a job that bored him, was married off to a woman who he didn't know to begin with and tried to settle down as best he could, but he found it hard, because it was everything he didn't want. And every night, he'd go outside, now alone, and look up at the stars and do the best he could given the circumstances. He'd pretend, he'd try to imagine what it would be like on other worlds. He imagined.
"The boy had grown into a man, but no one could see him as an adult, so he decided to try and act like one, and during the time he spent at home, he slowly started a family with his wife. Together they had four children. And one of those children was fertile and had found someone to be with and he had a grandchild too.
"But it wasn't enough for him. Not enough to pretend to be someone he wasn't. Then one day, while he was walking home from his boring job, late as he was taken advantage of and given extra jobs through the day to do, even though his day was already full, he saw something odd. In a scrapheap, ready to be demolished was a ship. A marvellous ship in its dull grey boxy form all the ships had when not in use.
"He inquired about the ship, learning that it was going to be turned into scrap in a few days, because it was obsolete. It's old owner throwing it away for a shinier model. He immediately wanted to rescue the ship from that fate. It could get him travelling the way he wanted, and it would be saving it from a fate it didn't deserve at all. He felt empathy towards the ship, because it reflected a bit what his life was like.
"He found a key for the ship inside and stole it without anyone noticing, and made his way home. Now, this was the first time his wife had seen him so excited and wanted to know what made him so happy. He made the mistake of telling her. She refused to go with him, thought he was crazy, and went to tell someone in power to stop him.
"In a hurry, he went to all four of his children, asking them the same thing, but none of them wanted to go with him. He then broke into the school and found his granddaughter and asked her. To his astonishment, she said yes, and a huge grin was seen across her face and it was only then that he noticed how unhappy she was in the school too, his children always talking about how much she was like him.
"The family had done their best to keep them away from each other, because they feared he would be a bad influence on the young girl. You see, she was only sixteen and very, very young still for his people.
"But, she decided to go with him, even though both of them knew that leaving in the ship would mean not being able to go back. They chose to exile themselves off their planet, because to them, it was a better life than they would have gotten otherwise.
"They went back to the junkyard, he took out the key and together they stowed away in the ship and took off for anywhere and everywhere. And even though he had gotten his wish through a way that...wasn't exactly legal, he was living it now, his dream had come true and he felt for the first time in his life what freedom the stars had for him. He immediately fell in love with travelling.
"For the first few trips, they didn't stay long, but on another trip, they landed on a small planet called Earth and met a race of people very much like his own in looks. When his granddaughter saw that they could easily blend in with the people of the century, she leapt at the chance to see how they were taught and, because of a fault in the ship, they decided it was about the best place they could stay.
"She enrolled into a school nearby, and he spent his days trying to find something that could be used to replace the part that had broken. Or trying to find materials to make something that would work. He soon found out that this planet was far behind his own race technologically and wished his granddaughter hadn't decided to blend in.
"Now, one night, after she got back from school, and he was busy with finishing off his work, two schoolteachers followed the girl home. And soon, he had another two people on board. At first he didn't like it. They were frightened, they were pessimistic, they didn't want to believe. But soon they had joined the crew fully and had established themselves as fast friends. And through them, a lifelong love for the human race started.
"When his granddaughter left, he was left in a limbo, but he moved on shortly enough with his life when an orphaned girl much like her was brought on under his care. It became quickly enough, a theme. People would leave, others would come on board. But he was barely left on his own in the time, and the company was good and he found out the true meaning of the words friendship, love and joy. And with them came grief.
"The grief was harder than expected when he found out that not all races were as long lived as his. He watched as some of these companions he had come to cherish died. Some were killed in accidents, while others sacrificed themselves so that others could live.
"Then, one day when he was alone once again, having said a very difficult farewell to one of his friends, he met a woman. This woman was as fiery as her hair. She wasn't afraid of him not being human, she saw the birth of her planet and with that, she knew it was what she wanted.
"It wasn't until later that he noticed other things about her. She was loud, she was not afraid to put him in his place when he did something wrong or not to her liking. She had been looking up at the stars most of her life, with a family member she loved, and wishing for the same thing he had when he was a little boy. He noticed the similarities between them and, one day, they met again, and she decided that she wanted to stay with him, in the ship that was bigger on the inside, forever.
"He watched as this woman, someone who believed what people told her, that she was good for nothing, that she'd get nowhere in life, and saw her grow into a confidant woman who made her own choices, who lived her own life for the first time ever. He saw her grow from a girl in an adult's body into a stunning woman who was so caring that entire species will be singing praises to her galaxies away. A woman who saved lives. A woman so wonderful, she sacrificed herself for the sake of the entire universe when she found out that to die was the only way to save everything. A woman who, even after doing that, survived to tell the tale.
"He saw in this woman his hopes and dreams. He saw all he had been trying to do all his own life. He saw in her a best friend. A friend the likes of which he didn't think he had ever truly had before. Because in this woman, not even of his own species, he saw his own life. That even in their worst moments, they had each other for comfort and support.
"Donna, you made me keep fighting at a time I had practically given up on life. I couldn't stand the thought of another companion leaving me again, and it happened and I was in such a bad place that I didn't even want to try anymore. You saved me. I don't think I ever thanked you for that, so, thank you."
Donna was crying, and the tears were fresh and she was still blinking up at him, trying to clear her vision, and he was so horrified by her inability to speak just then, that he felt like he was going to crack right down the centre and be torn apart. She was smiling at him, smiling.
In the end, she got a message to him anyway, in the one way he didn't think she'd be able to do so, since she was still basically human. She lifted her hands to his forehead and pushed slightly into his mind so she could talk to him using thoughts instead of words.
'Thanks Spaceman. You made a difference to me too.'
It was short, it was simple, and it was all Donna and he grinned winningly down at her, kissed her forehead and leant his head against hers afterwards. "Have a safe journey, Donna. I hope you find something good on the other side of this life."
She nodded, though it was barely seen as such and if he wasn't leaning against her, he wouldn't have felt it at all. Talking to him telepathically had drained the last of her strength and she fell into unconsciousness.
She was still breathing, still there with them, still alive, but he knew not for much longer. Sylvia ran forwards then, to check to see how she was. She glared daggers at him. "What did you just do to her?" she asked, her voice scathing.
He shook his head. "Nothing, she ran out of energy. She's unconscious. It won't be long now." His sentences were rather short and choppy, but right then he didn't care. Big words, big sentences would break him and he didn't want to do that in front of Donna while she was still alive. He squeezed her hand and held on tightly.
When Sylvia noticed this, she tried to get him to let go, but he batted her off, and this time he looked at her with anger in his eyes. "The last wish your daughter had was that I hold her hand through this. I am not about to break that, just because you don't like me."
Wilf moved from his seat and ushered Sylvia down onto it, so she could grasp at Donna's other hand. The Doctor watched as she lowered her head and begun whispering words into her ears. He didn't even try to listen in on what she was saying, understanding that the moment was highly private between the two, but he was unwilling to leave right then. Not with Donna's heart still beating.
They listened as her breathing got faster and harder, and he felt her pulse through her wrist to see what her heart was like, only to realise that it was racing like mad. It lasted less than a minute after that, her breathing getting harsher until she took one choppy, tiny breath in, before it all just left her in a long, rather relieved he thought, exhale.
He had forgotten in the telling of his tale that Donna would have been in a great amount of pain. How could he have forgotten that she was hurting? No wonder her last breath was relieving.
He knew, intellectually, that after that moment she was gone, but he still clung to her hand afterwards for quite a while, unable to believe, unable to let go. He watched as Wilf covered his mouth and begun moaning in an almost chant-like way "Oh, my girl, my girl."
Watched as Sylvia walked slowly out of the room to some other part of the house, only to have her pop her head back in to tell them no one would be able to pick up 'the body' until tomorrow, as the people who did that in the local area were busy with the dead in the streets.
He almost screamed at her for calling Donna the body. But he stopped himself, because he knew that in her own way, Sylvia was dealing with the death of her child the only way she could, by distancing herself from everything.
Most of the time though, he spent watching Donna, lying still, unmoving on the bed, and thinking how unnatural it was for her to be so silent. He was expecting her to laugh at him, to tell him to stop getting over emotional, while another part of his brain was yelling at him to let go of her hand, as she was dead now. Gone. Not coming back.
It wasn't until Wilf had stopped his own words that the Doctor realised how still and quiet she really was. He blinked and was surprised to feel the wetness of tears begin to slide down his cheeks. He shook his head, quickly bushed them off his face and sniffed loudly. No. Crying right then would make this all too real, and he wasn't yet ready for it to be real.
Wilf walked over to where he was sitting, covered his hand holding Donna and squeezed. "Come on lad, you've got to let go now."
He shook his head, and wiped at his face again. "I promised I'd hold her hand, Wilf. I can't break that."
"She's gone now. You kept your promise to her."
He nodded then and closed his eyes tight against the storm of emotions that he was holding back. He had to get out of there, now. He couldn't place his own grief above that of Donna's family. He wasn't a part of that, and, while it hurt, he could accept it.
Letting his grip ease out of hers was one of the hardest things he had done his entire life, but he managed it. He even managed to get to his feet and out the door. He stopped when Wilf told him that every night he'd think of what Donna did, what she had seen, and look up at the stars.
He didn't turn around, just nodded, walked slowly back to the TARDIS, alone and empty and huge in that moment.
Not until he had curled himself up in the bed Donna had been given by the TARDIS did he allow himself to cry.
He had lost his best friend. But he had gained one in the first place to feel like this.
He knew he had learnt a valuable lesson that night, but right then, he was too lost in his grief to try and learn what it was.
He'd know what it was months later, after Amy learnt that sometimes you can't always save everyone. And he was able, in that moment, to share it with her.
Even in death, Donna was still helping him through his life.