* All original twilight characters belong to S. Meyer. Any original characters are my own.
* Rated M for mature content – self harm, suicide attempts, possible smut later on.
It had been far too long since I had slept through the night... slept at all really. Aside from the occasional ten minute cat nap I would catch while preparing supper for Charlie and myself or the five minute nap during calculus class, sleep continually evaded me. It wasn't for lack of trying, I laid in bed night after night, closing my eyes, trying every relaxation technique there was, even resorting to sleep aids; but nothing worked. It didn't help that the second I would close my eyes I would see his face... hear his voice... feel his hands.
"Bells? Are you alright?" Charlie's voice wasn't as concerned as it once was, he was asking if I was okay, but I knew he no longer meant it in the literal sense... no, now Charlie was only worried that I would slip back in to the catatonic state I had been in for months after he had left.
"I'm fine dad. I just really, really need a decent night's sleep." I sighed at the end of this statement. Charlie knew I didn't sleep any longer, he knew I woke up after only a few minutes with ear-piercing nightmares, he saw me wander the house at all hours of the night, trying to do something, to push thoughts of him out of my mind.
"I know you said that you didn't Bells, but do you want to try and find them... track them down and tell them off... get some closure?" I wanted this more than I could describe, but I was also stubborn.
"No. I don't want anything to do with them. They left without a good-bye, he didn't want me dad and I'm not going to go tracking him to God only knows where to feel that pain again." I ranted calmly to him and saw his face grimace at what I'm sure were his memories of me after they first left.
It took almost three months for me to begin speaking, eating, and talking again and once I had the first person I really talked to was surprisingly Charlie. It had shocked us both but it had also turned out to be the first step in my healing. Of course I could never have told Charlie everything, anything vampire related was out of the question, but Charlie wasn't stupid, he knew they were different and while he had called me on it, had never wanted to know why they were different, what they were. Knowing that Charlie was able to identify some of their differences made it easier when I explained about how hard I had fallen for Edward, how I still believed that he was my mate... how his kind only mated once during their existence.
"Let me know if you change your mind." Charlie was giving up easily tonight, normally this conversation went on much longer, Charlie was for some reason convinced that I had to see him, had to face him one more time.
"I think I'm going to head upstairs and try the new sleeping pills that Dr. Hatley had prescribed at my last appointment... maybe I'll be able to get at least a few hours." Charlie didn't say anything, he simply nodded his head and continued to stare at the blank television screen.
As I made my way slowly up the stairs I could feel the burn as the small cuts on my legs stretched with the movement and I smiled to myself, relief flooding through me at the feeling. I had been getting better recently. Nine months had passed since the night he left me alone in the woods. Three months I had been catatonic, and the last six I had spent in therapy... seeing both a Psychiatrist and a therapist to try and help me get through this. I laughed at that thought though... nobody knew about my self harm yet. Although I didn't cut as often anymore as I had when I first came out of my trance I still did it occasionally when I got overwhelmed from the pain of him leaving me, from the ache that never left my chest.
The window was open when I finally made it up into my bedroom and I shivered slightly at both the chill and the slight hope that blossomed before I looked around at the empty bedroom. Of course he wouldn't be here... he wasn't coming back... he would never come back. I started to shake myself out of it and began to walk towards the closet to pull out my pajamas when I tripped on the floor, landing hard on my face.
"Damn it." I growled as I pushed myself up and then stopped in my tracks, realizing what I had tripped on to begin with.
"Are you okay Bells?" Charlie called from midway up the stairs.
"I'm fine dad... I just tripped and fell on my face." I explained and moved towards the object that had tripped me, the loose floorboard at the foot of my bed.
"Do you need ice or anything?" Charlie didn't try to come any closer and I said a silent thank you.
"No, I'll be fine. Good night Dad."
I stared at the loose floorboard for a minute before I decided to pull it up, my reasoning completely unknown to myself. The cry that escaped my lips was a cross between an angry surprise and bitter agony, I quickly recovered slapping my hand over my mouth to silence it.
I took several deep calming breaths before I continued on and pulled the first item out of the make-shift cubby hole, tears springing to my eyes instantly as I thumbed through the small stack of photographs.
"Edward..." I whispered as I glanced at the picture that Alice had taken at my birthday party, the last time we had been together and been happy.
I glanced quickly at the rest of the items that had been tucked into the hole: More pictures, new fake documents the Cullens had created for me after the incidence with James, my blue shirt... the one that Edward loved, notes we had passed between us during class, my birthday presents – my CD.
The ache in my chest was now crushing me and I knew that I couldn't continue on any longer... not after finding this... after feeling the reminder of what we had that I had lost. Moving quickly I put the CD and the single picture of Edward and I on my bed and shoved everything else back inside the hole.
I changed into the softest cotton pajamas I owned and cleaned my face up, grabbing the blade that I kept hidden under my mattress and settling down on the bed.
I knew what I wanted... what I needed to happen now and my determination swelled. First I made a few quick but not deep cuts across my left calf, adding to the ladder and pattern of criss-cross scars that were already there. I smiled as I watched the blood trickle slowly down my legs towards my ankle... it was ironic how much I craved blood now that they were out of my life... it was the one reminder that they could never have kept away from me.
Sighing I took a deep breath and held the blade for the first time ever to my left arm, feeling my pulse pick up as I readied myself to take on the task.
Then I heard the phone ring.
I shook myself out of it my thoughts as Charlie stomped towards the kitchen and then began to pound quickly back towards the stairs, calling my name the whole way. I grabbed the hand towel from under my bed and wiped the blood roughly off my leg before wrapping my blade in it and shoving it back underneath the far side and yanking my pant leg down, tucking myself under the covers just as Charlie burst through my door.
"What's the matter Dad?" I asked him innocently as I sat up in bed, feigning grogginess.
"I just... what were you doing Bella?" he demanded, his voice was strained and I felt the pangs of guilt as I realized what I had almost caused him.
"I had just started to fall asleep..." I lied quietly and as if to back me up my body decided that now was the perfect time to yawn.
"Huh..." he seemed unsure of what to say and I watched as he struggled with his thoughts.
"Bella... I just got a phone call... some kid just called to tell me you were going to kill yourself tonight... I just... it isn't true is it?" I guess he decided that just asking outright was the most direct way to go.
"Seriously Dad?" I still felt bad lying to him but I was not going to risk having to undergo another forced Psych evaluation by telling him the truth.
"I took one of the new pills that Dr. Hatley prescribed and was just about to fall asleep... I know that I'm depressed, I admit that and I'm doing everything that I can to work through it. I'm taking my prescriptions, I'm going to my therapy and Dr's appointments. I can't believe that you doubt me like that." I felt the tears well up in my eyes but it wasn't because he didn't trust me, it was because he was right, he shouldn't.
"I'm sorry Bells, I should have known better and I should trust you more. You've been so good at taking care of yourself and finding the help that you've needed. I'm sorry." He hung is head and I grimaced at the hurt on his face.
"It's okay Dad, I'm glad that you care but I'm honestly fine." I whispered and he looked up, nodding his head at me before turning to leave the room.
"Hey Dad?" I called as he got to the door. He paused and looked back at me.
"Who did you say that was that called? I'd like to let them have it the next time I see whoever it was." I tried to smile to lighten the work but I think it came out as more of a grimace.
"I don't know Bells, I ran up here too fast to think about asking for their name... it was some young girl though, kinda reminded me of Al... never mind, good night Bella." Charlie continued out of the room and back downstairs before I could begin to process what he had said.
"Alice? Could it have really been her? It was really the only explanation that made sense to me and yet... why would she care... why would she try and stop me... why would she even be seeing me." I let the thoughts invade my mind as I laid in bed staring at the ceiling. Finally deciding that it was time to give up trying to figure it out, I decided to really give the sleeping pills a try and pulled the bottle out of my nightstand.
Unscrewing the cap I popped two in my mouth, swallowing them down dry and put the bottle down beside my alarm clock. While I waited for the groggy, drowsy feeling that taking sleep aids often caused I reached back down under the bed and found the towel that was wrapped around my blade and pulled it carefully out, throwing the bloodied towel towards the hamper in the corner and tucking the blade back into it's home under my mattress, within arm's reach. I glanced at the clock and noted the time... 9:53pm.
I was still feeling jittery and uneasy as I rolled back over and decided to do something that I hadn't done since he'd left me. I opened the lid to my CD player and pulled his CD out, plopping it into the top and hitting play, the sound of the soft lullaby quickly filling the silence in the room. I made sure that the CD was on repeat and tucked myself carefully into my bed, swaddling myself tightly in the covers as I laid back down on my back, closing my eyes and willing sleep to find me.
11:16pm. Still wide awake I felt the anger begin to bubble inside me as my lullaby began to play for the second time. I was relaxed, I should be asleep.
11:33pm. I'm so tired but sleep won't find me. I just want to sleep, I just want to forget. Reaching over I grab the bottle of sleeping pills and pull the cap off, setting it down on the table beside m. I tip the bottle and two more pills come out onto my hand. I put them in my mouth and again swallow them dryly, putting the bottle back beside me, not bothering to put the cap back on. I roll to my side and face away from the window, closing my eyes and picturing his face in my mind.
12:02am. I still haven't slept, I've closed my eyes and had memories play, haunting my mind, I've gotten up to get a drink of water from the bathroom because my mouth felt like cotton, but no, sleep hasn't claimed me yet. I take two more pills from the bottle and this time take them with a swig of water. Before I put the glass back down I decide that two pills at a time isn't enough and take two more pills quickly from the bottle. I lay back down and close my eyes softly.
12:17am. How am I supposed to sleep with the incessant pounding in my chest. My heart feels like it's going to break right through my body. It's loud and hard and I squeeze my eyes together tightly, trying to ignore it.
12:38am. My heart is still pounding and I'm trying to think of it as soothing instead of irritating. I imagine that this is what the end of a vampire's transformation feels like as the lullaby begins to play again in the background. I'm still not sleeping and my brain thinks that maybe a couple more pills will finally do it, finally put me to sleep. My hand is shaking as I reach over to the table beside me and try to grab the bottle. I swipe at it but miss the first time, shifting and focusing so that the second time it fits securely in my hand. I tip it and note that I'm still shaking, six... or is that seven... pills fall onto my hand and I shoot them all into my mouth, closing my eyes and swallowing them dryly. I try to set the pill bottle back down but it slips and lands on it's side on my nightstand, the small pills spilling out around it.
1:11am. The room is fuzzy and I tried to sit up but I felt pretty dizzy so I laid back down again. I could hear a song playing somewhere in my room and tried to remember what CD I had put in. I can't hear clearly because my heart is thrumming so hard in my chest it's drowning out everything else. I can't even hear myself breathing. I look beside the bed and see the bottle of pills that have spilled on the bedside table and pick up a small handful – one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine – pills are in my hand and I can't remember what I was going to do with them so I open my mouth and throw them all in with a shaky hand, spilling water down the front of my shirt when I tried to follow them with a drink.
1:19am. It's been a long time since I last took my pills I think. I'm still not sleeping and my heart is still hammering in my chest. My shaky hand has a hard time picking up the bottle and putting the pills in my hand but I manage to get a few into my mouth, some spilling onto the hardwood floor in the dark.
2:43am. I can't sleep and I swear that I saw someone jump into my room through my window but I can't see them anywhere. I reach over to take more pills and realize that the bottle is now empty. I find one more pill on the nightstand and pop it into my mouth, swallowing quickly before opening up the drawer and pulling another bottle out. Another sleep aid I had tried once or twice but it hadn't worked so I stopped taking it. It took a little bit of effort to take the cap of this bottle and I heard the gentle ping as it fell to the floor beside the bed. I poured six pills into my hand and swallowed them, not bothering with water.
2:55am. I don't understand. Why am I still awake. My heart is pounding and I feel angry. My body is aching and trembling and it feels like I'm in the middle of an earthquake the way that my body is shaking. I grab the bottle and take out sight more pills, putting them in my mouth one by one and following. I close my eyes and lay back down.
3:02am. I blink and feel heavy. There's a heavy fog around me and I grab four more pills as I realize that I'm almost there, almost sleeping.
4:01am. Charlie will be waking up for his early morning shift soon and I still haven't slept but I'm so close. I pull the bottle onto the bed and dump the remaining contents, putting the pills one by one into my mouth until I close my eyes and finally feel myself floating, I try to move to keep taking the pills but I can't, it's dark and I let myself relax, I feel my hold on my consciousness releasing as I feel like I'm floating away.
I can't move, I can't open my eyes, I can't even hear the music anymore. I don't care, I'm finally sleeping.