Battle of the Batpig
I'm
baaack!
For those of you who do not remember, Gotham City was a screwed place. And guess what? It's still screwed! Yup, screwed, screwed, screwed. And our broken TV network clip of the day? The villains in their pointless Chinese food restaurant in Japan, which makes as much sense as Archnemon and Mummymon owning a Jeep and driving it off a cliff, but hey, they're evil, so there. And now, let us go straight to Turkey Wall Manor, home of the Caped Crusader Batpig and his partners Wizardmon "the Dead Wonder" and Biyomon "Batpig Girl."
A/N: Before this show gets on the road, Reo, Cherry, WHAT IN THE NAME OF CHIBIMON ARE YOU WAITING FOR, A WRITTEN INVITATION?! DID I NOT SEND YOU THE LATEST BATPIG INSTALLMENTS? WRITE SOMETHING AND GET IT TO ME ASAP!
Patamon came down the stairs in Turkey Wall Manor with a package in his stubby little arms. Biyomon and Wizardmon, who's 98% dead today, were on the couch watching taped season one episodes.
"Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that we
haven't been ultimates since last season? I kinda miss being Garudamon,"
Biyomon sighed.
"We don't miss it. You were a mannish bird thing
with a terrible voice, what's there to miss?" Wizardmon taunted.
"Ahem," Patamon coughed.
"Hey Patamon. What's in the box?" Biyomon actually
acknowledged the ham hock, wow.
"Blackmail tape. Six hours of pure T.K.
humiliation. That oughta teach him for neglecting to feed me!"
"Hey, you're getting fat anyway. That's why you're
known as Batpig," Wizardmon mocked.
Patamon was about to make a reply unsuitable for
young readers, when Joe, our faithful butler, walked in.
"Phone call for you, Master DePatamon."
Patamon
picked up the official Batpig phone of officialness and hit the line one
button.
"Patamon DePatamon speaking."
"Patamon, this is Commissioner Takenouchi."
"Skip the formalities, Sora, what's the problem?"
"Where's Batpig?"
"Uh…taking a bubble bath. Yeah, fighting crime
takes a lot out of a superhero. Why?"
"Because somebody broke into the Gotham National Bank
two nights ago."
"What?! What'd they take?"
"Nothing, well, except for a donut off the night
guard's desk. But that's not all. Last night every jewelry store downtown was
broken into."
"Was anything stolen?"
"Ham sandwiches, a bowl of Campbell's Chunky Soup,
a Hot Pocket and a Little Debbie snack cake."
"This makes no sense!"
"But the weirdest thing is, the surveillance
cameras got the whole thing on tape, and Batpig was the one breaking in!"
"But…but that's impossible!"
"I want you to get Batpig down here immediately.
We've gotten word that the next heist will be at an antique dealer's on 57th
Avenue. We'll be staking it out."
"Right, don't worry, Commish."
"So
what's the prob?" Biyomon asked.
"We've got a stakeout to attend. To the
Batpigmobile, Dead Wonder!"
And they all go down the firemen's poles to the
Batpig Cave and…
"OUR COSTUMES ARE NORMAL! YAY!"
I'm giving them a break for once, you'll see why
later on.
~*~
"I
am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the…"
"Quiet, do you want to scare off the thief?" Sora
hissed. Batpig gave her a guilty look and continued watching the antique store
with great interest. In the background you can hear T.K. shouting.
"HELP, POLICE! I'M BEING KIDNAPPED! HELP!"
"I think someone's in…" Wizardmon, who's 98% dead,
started to say before Biyomon cut him off.
"What if this guy doesn't show?" Batpig Girl
asked.
"We head over to a Starbucks and get a café
latte," Sora sighed, checking her watch.
Several hours later,
they were still sitting there, waiting, and watching.
"He's not showing up," Batpig sighed.
"Didn't you guys hear…" Wizardmon started to say.
"Attention all units, there's been a report of a
kidnapped Digidestined," the radio buzzed.
"This is the Commissioner. Which one? Ken? Yolei?"
"T.K."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Batpig cried.
"There was a note left at the scene for Batpig.
It's chicken scratchy handwriting on a bright yellow piece of paper."
Patamon gasped and made a mad dash for the Batpigmobile.
"Batpig, where are you going?" Batpig Girl cried.
"And without us?"
"Assemble the Justice League, or the X-Men, or
those cancelled Avengers losers, or those weird Los Luchadores morons and meet
me there, I have some business to take care of," he shouted, driving off.
"Meet him where? He didn't tell us where he was
going," 98% dead Wizardmon observed.
~*~
Patamon stopped at the network border between Fox and the WB, a quarter in his paw for the toll. The WB Customs Officers (with their guard Pikachus) were waiting.
"Name please."
"I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am not
a happy little buffalo! I am Batpig!"
"Riiiiiiight. Say, aren't you a digimon?"
Patamon didn't wait and plowed right through the
gate, throwing his quarter out the window. Within ten minutes he was in Pokémon
territory, and man, was it creepy.
"I've
got to think like that bastard if I want to save T.K." Patamon mumbled aloud,
driving around aimlessly. Soon he came upon a sign that read "mysterious evil
villains and kidnapped blondes in Gilligan hats that-a-way."
"If I didn't know better, I'd have to say that the
mysterious evil villain and T.K. were that-a-way," Patamon speculated.
Eventually he parked the Batpigmobile outside an office building and went
inside. He darted into the elevator, humming the Batpig theme.
"I wonder where the others are."
~*~
Meanwhile, Batpig Girl
and the 98% Dead Wonder were sitting in the Batpig Cave, trying to figure out
where their fearless leader had gone.
"You want to just scrub this whole mission and go
throw Davis off a cliff?" Biyomon asked.
"Yeah, besides, I have to go annoy Lia for more
Harry Potter merchandising."
I'm not buying you any more stuff! You have
plenty!
"But this is the closest thing I can get to going to Hogwarts, which you won't let me do either!"
You're a digimon, dammit! Besides, Professor Snape would hate you anyways and you can't play Quidditch to save your life.
"I hate you."
~*~
Back with Batpig, he had left the elevator and was now
standing in a dark room.
"Well, well, well, if it
isn't my old enemy. Still as chunky as ever, eh Patamon?" someone teased.
Patamon growled in his throat, located in his nonexistent neck. (Heheh, look,
it's a no-neck pig.)
"I am the terror that
flaps in the night! I hate you, you bastard cheap waste of anime! I am Batpig!"
The lights in the room
came on, and the person in the chair spun around slowly and dramatically,
revealing…
(dramatic pause)
…Ash's Pikachu!
"What brings you to the
WB, Pig? Come to date our groceries?"
"Wait a goddamn minute,
how come you're not speaking pokémon gibberish?"
This is translated for your convenience.
"Oh. Okay. What the hell
have you done with T.K.?"
"Who, the little blonde
twerp in the Gilligan hat? Oh, he should be the least of your concerns. You
should worry about them."
Pikachu pointed to a
hoard of Batpig clones standing in the corner irately.
"You see, Patamon, these
are all the references to Batpig on fanfiction.net and they're going to
continue to go out and steal snack food and annoy people and you'll get the
blame and they'll cancel you, just like they cancelled Escaflowne and Cybersix,
which they consider anime, and like they moved Flint and Monster Rancher to a
subsidiary network. Then the WB will be the ruler of the anime circuit!"
Pikachu cackled.
"Aren't you forgetting
the Cartoon Network? They have that four-hour anime thing with Sailor Moon and
Gundam Wing and Tenchi and Dragonball Z. So ha, you yellow rat with poorly made
but obviously more merchandising!" Patamon taunted.
"Batpig squad, attack!"
Pikachu hollered.
The bunches and bunches of Batpig charged, hollering like
Van Fanel. The real Patamon (would the real Patamon please stand up, please
stand up, please stand up) tried to make a run for it, but tripped on his cape
and fell flat on his face. The Batpig clones tackled him and smacked him over
the back of the head with Sakura's Clow Wand, knocking him unconscious.
~*~
When Patamon awoke, he was tied to a chair. Yes, easily
escapable, but not when you're a clueless Batpig digimon. Pikachu was standing
there, smirking.
"Ah, you're awake. Good,
now I can gloat and tell you my evil plans before I place you in an easily
escapable predicament which you will get out of and foil my plans for world
domination."
"You're starting to
sound like Mojo Jojo, or Dr. Evil."
"Shut up! I'm gloating
here! Now that I have you, Batpig, I will give you the pleasure of watching as
I turn your little blonde friend into the next gay-sounding loser that gets to
join Ash, Misty, and Brock on their quest to become Pokémon Masters. Yes, you
heard me right, Patamon, that T.K. kid will be our new…"
"TRACEY?!
AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH,
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Well, I'd love to stay
and laugh maniacally, but I have a Digidestined brat to turn into a gay pokémon
person. Toodle-loo, Patamon."
The mental Pikachu left
the room, leaving our hero alone with fifty gazillion phony Batpig wannabes.
They all pulled out Batpig Hairagamis from their utility belts and started
whapping him.
"I…have…to…stop…him…from…turning…T.K.
into…a…gay…poké person!" Patamon said between whaps. "But the only way to do
that is to digivolve, and that defeats the whole purpose of Batpig!"
Just then the wall exploded and a familiar bunch of
digimon stood there.
"What the hell?" Patamon
and the fake Batpigs cried.
"Hey Patamon, shinche
Biyomon and Wizhardmon gave up on you to go peshter random Digideshtined, we
thought we'd shave you!" Austin Veemon exclaimed.
"And Lia sent us over to
make up for the fact that our fanfic won't post even though it's in HTML
format," Gomamon Powers added.
"Hurry up and untie me
before Pikachu turns T.K. into a gay Tracey!"
"TRACEY?!" Felicity Shadwell (Shadowmon) gasped, clawing
at the ropes.
"Hold it!" the Batpigs
cried. "You're not going anywhere!"
"Really? Judo chop!"
Veemon judo-chopped the lot of them, and they disintegrated into bits of Lucky
Charms.
"Wow, they're magically
delicious!" Shadwell cried.
Batpig and the Austin Powers trio ran down the corridors,
trying to find T.K. and Pikachu. Finally Gomamon pointed out the sign that read
"Gay Traceyifying Room That-a-Way."
They made it inside just
as Pikachu was about to throw the switch on the Traceyifying Beam.
"Curses, you again!"
"I am the terror that
flaps in the night! I am machine washable! I am Batpig!"
"We're the Austin Powers
Trio, champions of groovyness! In the name of being shagadelic, we will right
wrongs, and triumph over square losers, and that means you, baby!"
So we've ripped off Darkwing Duck and Sailor Moon? What else can we swipe?
"Patamon, do something!"
T.K. shouted.
"I'm doing, I'm doing!
Let's see…Batpig Pool Toy, Batpig Volleyball, Batpig Health Final, Batpig
Ocarina, Batpig Lederhosen, Batpig Lunch Box, Batpig Puppet, Batpig Aluminum
Foil, Batpig Baked Potato, Batpig Rocking Chair, Batpig Instant Deus Ex
Machina…hey Lia, what the hell is a deus ex machina? That's all Latiny!"
Deus ex machina means god from a machine. It's like somebody just magically pops up and makes all the problems go away.
"Cool, I'm trying it!"
Batpig pulled open the pop-top lid on the can of instant deus ex machina and a
whole bunch of swirly lights and smoke popped out, much like Sakura and her
Clow Cards. Out of the can and the overly elaborate special effects came
everybody's favorite blonde cancelled show persona, Allen Schezar!
Allen pulled out his giant sword, swung, disemboweled
Pikachu, cut T.K. loose, and started walking off.
"Allen, wait! Where are
you going?" everyone started shouting.
"That older blonde kid
from your show is holding a conference for fawned over anime sidekicks, I
thought I'd check it out," he said over his shoulder.
"That's Matt for ya.
Next thing you know, Lia will be holding a Mary Sue convention."
I AM NOT A MARY SUE, TAKERU TAKAISHI! I SHOULD HAVE LET YOU BECOME GAY AND TRACEYISH!
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"
The Austin Powers Trio
stood there, staring at the decapitated Pikachu in silence for a good couple
minutes. Finally Shadowmon spoke.
"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
That's icky!"
"The city is safe again,
and now we can go home and I can kill my sidekicks," Batpig announced.
~*~
Sometime later at Turkey
Wall Manor…
"I'm really disappointed in you two!"
"Yes Patamon," Biyomon
and 98% dead Wizardmon replied in a monotone.
"I expect you to back me
up!"
"Yes Patamon."
"If it weren't for the
Austin Powers Trio T.K. would be a gay Tracey now!"
"Hmmm, it'd be like
having two of Davis," Biyomon muttered.
"Now, we're going to
forget this happened and I'm going to get ready for my date."
"Do we dare ask with
whom?" 98% dead Wizardmon asked.
"A Betty Crocker cake
mix."
Biyomon and 98% dead
Wizardmon groaned loudly. "Somebody get him a real girlfriend! He's getting to
be as bad as Davis!"
~*~
And so Gotham City was saved, thanks to Batpig. REVIEW! Otherwise your fave Digidestined guy may turn all gay and (dum dum dum) TRACEYISH!