The Good Kind of Lost

by Super Mega Ultra Polar Bear

The three Bones have finished their adventures in the Valley. Now they have to face the ups and downs of going home. -An extended version of the Coda. *Disclaimer: I do not own Bone or any song lyrics.

Here's a little song I wrote

You might wanna sing it note for note

Don't worry, be happy

In every life, we have some trouble

But when you worry, you make it double

Don't worry, be happy

Ain't got no place to lay your head

Somebody came and took your bed

Don't worry, be happy

Look at me, I'm-

"SHADDUP, Smiley!" Phoney Bone yelled.

Fone Bone stopped the cows. Smiley Bone and Phoney jumped from their hay cart. Ahead of them was a gigantic canyon. Phoney started pacing back and forth.

"I knew this would happen! I knew at th' very last second something would stick me in this rotten valley for all eternity!"

The three Bones were on a journey home to Boneville from the Valley. After a long string of adventures and mishaps, they were all itching to go back, but had to be prepared for any roadblock. There had only been a few minor jutted hilltops along the Western Border the last two days, and the giant cliff they had encountered arriving to the Valley ironically wasn't their first thought.

"I'm guessing you haven't always felt that way?" Fone Bone said, tracing a finger over the map. The canyon sloped diagonally across the lower-left corner, cutting off at the edges. In plain sight, it went on endlessly in both directions.

Smiley peered over the precipice. "Would you look at that beautiful and scenic view? With all this moonlight, we can see almost all the way down! It must be a quarter-mile deep." He took a gold coin out of the left pocket of his vest, flipped it, and dropped it down the canyon, counting to himself. "Well, maybe a fifth."

"Wh- you can't do that!" Phoney raced over to Smiley and pulled his arm back.

"Sure I can! Estimation of th' Verbal Scale is quite easy to calculate with one simple observation! Who needs measuring tape when I have expert geometric skills and a knack for experimental strategies? Imagine what I could do if I studied Basic Algebra! Fundamental equations aren't my strong suit, but after a few years..."

"Not that, you nincompoop! You just lost one of my coins! Now I only have twenty-four left! How could you squander the remaining scraps of what society holds sacred?!"

"You mean the handful of coins a stranger in Atheia gave you in order to turn you in to the Vedu for a larger reward?" Fone Bone asked, frowning.

"You mean th' coins with your enormous head stamped on them?" Smiley Bone pulled a cigar and matchbox out of the right pocket of his vest. A tiny blossom of smoke grew from the tip as he lit the cigar.

"Doh!" Phoney clenched his fists. "I would have more than a few coins if I hadn't trusted you to look after our luggage!"

Bartleby, who was sleeping on top of the hay cart, stretched like a cat and hopped off to join Smiley at the cliff. "Are we there yet?" the rat creature asked.

Smiley scratched Bartleby's ear. "Not yet, buddy." he puffed. "And we might still have a ways to go."

Phoney dropped to his knees and pounded the ground, sobbing. "We have NO ways to go! We are now and forever stuck in this dreaded Valley!"

Smiley turned his head. "Whaddaya think, Fone Bone? Is there a good route available for the exploring?"

Fone Bone shuffled the map. "I dunno, Smiley. I was hoping the canyon would be narrower than this. It goes on for miles north and south , Assuming we could reach either end of the passage before we run out of supplies, it would put us off the map and make it more difficult to get back on the corner."

"We're doomed! Doomed!"

Fone Bone folded the map. "The best thing, really the only thing we can do is pick a point and hope the passage will start shrinking before we're off the map. It might be better to go north, where there aren't as many mountain ranges."

Smiley twirled his cigar. "What if it doesn't shrink?"

"Then... I guess we'll have to find some way through the canyon. Who knows, maybe the elevation won't be as high?" Fone Bone said uncertainly.

"Yeah, and if we reach the northern point off the map, we'll surely have a great adventure getting back on! Again!" Smiley clicked his heels and returned to the cart with an eager Bartleby.

"Let's hope it'll be short. Right now, we should set up camp and get some sleep." Fone Bone folded the map.

Phoney ran back to the cart. "No! I'm not spending anymore seconds outta Boneville then I have to! It's my turn to drive!"

"Phoney, we can't travel at night! We're right next to cliff if you didn't already notice, not to mention our last lantern broke the last time I let you take the reins!" Fone Bone said.

Smiley gave an unusually large grin. "Honestly, you managed to hit every jag of rock on the previous mountain. Fone Bone and I had to leave the cart eight times to retrieve the supplies that kept falling off."

Phoney growled. "Like it's my fault the cart is too wide for a path nobody bothered to pave for travelers! Besides, we're not on a mountain now, and I don't need a lantern on a perfectly cloudless night." Phone climbed into the driver's seat. The cows raised their heads as he grabbed the reins.

Fone Bone looked at Smiley. "Yes, I might distrust his driving abilities," Smiley said, "But he could have a point. This land is almost completely flat. He would have to be a real nutball to steer the cart off course in this moonlight."

"I can hear you, you know! You're right next to me!"

Fone Bone sighed. "We are getting low on supplies and it would cut the trip down a few hours or so." He joined Phoney at the front, and Smiley joined Bartleby back on the mound of hay, which had shrunk immensely. " Don't drive too fast. The moment you see a hill, or anything that might resemble a hill ahead of you, wake both of us up. And stay at least five feet away from the cliff."

"Whatever, Dad." Phoney snapped the reins and steered the cows to the right. Smiley whipped a blanket from out of the hay, wrapped it around himself, and fell fast asleep.

"I'm serious, we aren't outta the woods yet. We still need- need to be careful." Fone Bone crossed his arms and leaned back.

Phoney rolled his eyes. "A year in the messed-up Valley, now in the middle of a barren, desert wasteland, nothing could possibly get worse."

---

AAAWWWUUUGGGHHH

Fone Bone snorted and woke up. Sunlight was peeking in from the east. "What was that sound?"

Smiley wiped the drool from his mouth and sat up. "Wasn't me. Was that you?" Bartleby opened his shiny red eyes. "No." He closed them again.

Fone Bone looked at Phoney. His head was resting on his left shoulder, he was holding the reins with only his right hand, and he appeared to be mumbling to himself. The cart was two feet from the cliff.

"Phoney!" Fone Bone shouted. Phoney jerked his head. "Huh? Oh, you're awake."

"Are you? Hey!" Fone Bone snatch the reins from Phoney. "You were driving the cart asleep! You've drifted closer to the gorge!"

Phoney yawned again. "No, I wa- wasn't..."

"I believe the correct term is sleep-driving." Smiley said.

Phoney soon took notice of the reins in Fone Bone's hands. "It's still my turn!" he said, snatching them back.

"You're too tired to drive right now. Just go to the back and get some rest." Fone Bone said.

"I'm fine, see?" Phoney straightened his posture and tightened his grip on the reins. "I saved us a day of staring at dunes!"

Fone Bone slapped his arm down behind the seat, feeling around for the map.

Smiley stretched. "So, how much progress have we made?" He gazed out at the canyon.

"The good news is we're still on the map, barely, but still on course," Fone Bone told him. "The bad news is that the canyon hasn't really narrowed at all, let alone shrunk, and it isn't showing any indication."

"Too bad, we can't turn back now." Phoney said.

When the sun started rising, Smiley rooted through the hay and pulled out an umbrella and pitched it loosely above them. Early morning in the desert was often nice and cool for the first hour, but it wouldn't be long before things heated up, especially without any shade around.

"Good thing I had the foresight to bring this with us! Like it? Made it myself!" Smiley said admirably. He crouched against the pole, his head hitting the hub.

"Stop hogging it, Smiley!"

Smiley made several attempts to reposition the umbrella on the thin layer of hay, until finally sticking it between two supply trunks. The shade was hitting everyone but Phoney. "There we go! All set for the rest of the trip!"

Fone Bone continued studying the map. "Say, Smiley? Remember over a year ago when we first came to the Valley through the desert? You had a head start on me and Phoney?"

"Yep."

"Well, did any of this look familiar to you? Did we come from this way?" He asked.

Smiley scratched his chin. "I'm not entirely sure. It's a shame 'cause I usually have a fantastic memory. But every area of the desert looks exactly the same. I just remember climbing up the canyon and making my way into the mountains."

"How in th' heck did you have such a huge head start anyway?" Phoney demanded.

"Why do think I was such a great competitor in th' Cow Race? Once I made it into the Valley, I asked around if anybody had seen my cousins and they directed me to Barrelhaven. I was pretty parched at that point, so I got some beer at the tavern. When I tried to pay for it with the dollar Phoney gave me, young Mister Oaks told me he had no idea what it was, then Lucious threw an apron at my face."

Fone Bone grinned. "Did you do all that before the 'mild' winter? No wonder you stayed ahead!"

"Yes, bravo Smiley!" Phoney said sarcastically. "Meanwhile, I was up to my eyebrows in snow trying to stay alive!"

"C'mon, Phoney!" Smiley said. "I know the Valley wasn't a big barrel of monkeys, but we had some kinda, sorta happy days, right?"

Phoney glared at the path. "I only had three good days in the Valley, and none of them amounted to a single fortune. If it won't kill you, I'd be kinda, sorta happy if you didn't bring it up again."

Smiley stuck out his tongue at him. "Hey, Fone Bone. What did you wanna do when we reach Boneville?"

"Dunno. Become a bookkeeper, maybe?" He said." You?"

"We've done so much in the Valley- 'scuse me, Phoney- and have a lot of stories to share, I thought I'd document them and bring them to the Boneville Archives!"

"Really?"

Smiley shook his head. "Actually, I was gonna become a camp ranger," Phoney groaned. "But I was still planning on sharing our stories."

"What do you miss most about Boneville?" Fone Bone asked.

"Oh, y'know," Smiley said. "I miss my collection of hats, I miss the park by the Rolling Bone River, I miss th' food! I like the bread thingies in the Valley, but they can't compare to the indulgences you find in Boneville! Corn Dog Hut, the Tuber Stew Café, Clark Bone's Muffin Bottom Bakery-"

All of a sudden, a huge, feathery gust of wind blew over the cart, just missing the Bones. Pieces of hay whirled around as everyone, including Bartleby, raised their heads.

"Did you see that? It was a giant bird!" Smiley exclaimed.

Phoney squinted at the sky. "Where?"

"Look!" Smiley pointed at the sun. A thin, dark speck had appeared a little below it. "It's huge! Like the animals we saw in the Valley!"

Phoney gripped the reins. "I hope not! I'm trying to put as much distance between us and that crazy place as possible." He turned his eyes back to the cows and Fone Bone kept his above.

"Like Rock Jaw, the massive mountain lion, or th' bees! Remember the bees? Big as cows!"

Phoney gritted his teeth. "Don't remind me!" The curious proportions of each animal in the Valley were always a mystery, and sometimes a big problem in many cases, to each of the Bones.

"Guess we're not as far away from the Valley as we thought." Smiley's mangled umbrella drooped to the side of the hay. He grabbed it up and pulled the runner down to fix the canopy. Bartleby crawled back under it. "Hey, Smiley. I'm hungry." His stomach purred loudly.

"Let's break out the rations, ol' pal!" Smiley didn't have to dig too deep to find the chest full of hard, stuffed bread thingies, partly because it was the fourth and final chest of food, and partly because Smiley had stashed them close to the top, gobbling them up by the handfuls. He took three bread thingies from the chest, giving one to Bartleby and offering one to Phoney, who sordidly refused.

"Don't know what he has against bread thingies. How 'bout you, Fone Bone?" It only took two seconds after Fone Bone turned it down for Smiley to stuff it in his mouth. "You're awful quiet this morning...oh...you're missing Thorn, aren't you?"

Fone Bone gave a tiny smile. "Yeah. And Gran'ma Ben."

Smiley patted him on the shoulder. "Sorry, cuz. At least we got to bring Bartleby home with us. Say! I know! We can go back to visit, can't we? That'd be fun!"

Of course, Fone Bone was hoping to come back someday. Thorn was one of the best friends he ever had, and they'd spent almost everyday together during their escapade. In the beginning, Thorn was just a simple farmgirl who lived with her grandmother. Months later, she would be Queen of the entire Valley, with a load of responsibilities and a sliver of free time.

"Why don't we see if we can find our way across the desert to Boneville before we start making plans to go back." Fone Bone said, staring at the map.

"Bread thingie, Phoney?" Smiley asked again. Phoney grunted. The cart creaked and the left wheel bumped along the cliff. "Are you steering, Phoney? We're still awful close to the edge!"

"I'm steerin', I'm steerin'!"

Smiley laid back on the mound of hay. "You know, I do miss Boneville, but sometimes it's nice to be lost."

"What do you mean, Smiley?" Bartleby asked, flexing his paws.

"I'm not a map person. I like not knowing where I am. Being lost is a state of mind, little buddy," He stroked Bartelby's head. "If you're always thinking about where you got to be, and th' fastest way to get there, you'll never have an adventure. We got lost, an' that's how we met you!"

Bartleby sat up and wiggled his stub of a tail. "Yeah! ACES!"

"I'm glad you feel that way, Smiley," Fone Bone said.

"Why's that?"

"We're not on a map - we're still in uncharted territory! The problem is this canyon we came upon last night. We can't find a way across, an' it's leading us farther and farther off course!"

Smiley shook his head. "Hakuna Ma-Ta-Ta! Enjoying the journey's half the point!"

Phoney couldn't keep quiet any longer. "WOULD YOU TWO STICK A SOCK IN IT? I'm trying to get us un-lost, if you don't mind!"

"What's up his ol' address?" Smiley asked. "Apart from the sleep deprivation, Phoney's just hungry an' cranky because he refuses to eat bread thingies." Fone Bone said. "Maybe he's still sulking about losing his dumb ol' treasure." Smiley added. Phoney raised his eybrows and spun his head around to face him.

"DUMB OL" TREASURE?!" he screeched. "I had it in my hands! Gold! Jewels! Precious GOO-GAWS!" He stood up from the cart. "This is all your fault!"

"Actually," Fone Bone said. "This is all your fault. You got us run out of Boneville in the first place by running for mayor."

"THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT!" Phoney pointed a finger at Fone Bone. "If I still had the treasure, I'd be returning to Boneville in TRIUMPH!" The cart was now shaking from all over. "I'll show 'em! I'll show everyone! You can't do anything to a rich person that he doesn't want!"

"Careful- Phoney!" Fone Bone said. Phoney ignored him.

"When I get back to Boneville, I'm gonna run for PRESIDENT!"

The cows bellowed.

"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!"

"Whoops!" Phoney tried to pull the reins back, but the cart had already dipped over the cliff. "HOLD ON!" The cart floated off the rocky precipice and crashed onto the steep slope of the canyon. The cows' yoke broke loose, and they stumbled down to the bottom. The cart swerved, roughly tossing its contents, as well as its four passengers overboard. The Bones watched from the slope as it continued rolling, until it abruptly halted in front of yet another jag of rock, covered in sandy rubble.

"Whoops?!" Fone Bone said to Phoney.

"Hey, look! The cows are okay, an' waiting for us at bottom!" Smiley sat up, careful not to slip from the slope. It was true. The cows looked dazed and confused, but they were unhurt.

"Whaddaya know? I got us halfway across the gorge!" Phoney said, a bit too proudly.

"Great job, Mr. President. C'mon, let's check on the cart."Fone Bone stood up and began shuffling down the slope.

Bartleby was trembling from the fall. "Are we having an adventure now? I almost wet myself!"

Fone Bone reached the cart. "The damage doesn't look too bad." He examined the barrel that hadn't left the cart. "OH NO!"

Phoney slid down the slope. Smiley tripped behind, carrying the loose supplies. Bartleby followed.

"It's the water barrel and it leaked! It's nearly empty!" Fone Bone cupped the remaining water leaving the barrel and searched the cart for a canteen.

"We have another problem..." Smiley said. "One of the wheels is missing!"

"Where did it go? I don't see it anywhere!" Phoney said frantically. "It's gotta be around, spread out and find it." Fone Bone found a canteen under one of the last clumps of hay left on the cart. Smiley held it open for him to pour the rest of the water and closed it. "Thanks. How's our food supply?"

Smiley opened the trunk. "Good news! We have twelve apples and sixteen stuffed bread thingies left!"

"WHAT?! But we had a whole trunkful! That's not enough to last!" Phoney shouted.

"Smiley, you were in charge of the supplies! What happened?" Fone Bone asked, as if he needed to.

Smiley shoved four bread thingies in his mouth and gave two apples to Bartleby. "I dunno."

"STOP EATING!" Phoney snatched the trunk away and squeezed it. "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE- AND I DON'T HAVE MY TREASURE!"

Fone Bone grabbed the trunk from him and put it back in a corner of the cart, keeping it away from both of them. "That treasure wasn't yours. It belonged to Thorn an' Gran'ma Ben, and you know it!"

"Yeah, Phoney. We had to give it back for them to run their kingdom! Besides, I traded the treasure for all these delicious supplies!" Smiley was slowly inching toward the trunk.

"So you an' Bartleby could EAT 'EM ALL! GIMME THOSE BREAD-THINGIES!"

"Forget it!" Fone Bone said, taking a seat on top of the trunk.

"They're MINE! He traded MY treasure for them, so they belong to ME!"

"I'm keeping the bread thingies, and we're going to ration them." Fone Bone said. "From now until one of us is on the verge of fatal famine, we're taking small sips of water from our canteens!"

"But I hate water!" Smiley protested.

Fone Bone opened the trunk again, took some food out, and put them in his knapsack. Phoney stood still seething, then when Fone Bone closed the trunk, grabbed the knapsack. "GIMME "EM!"

"NO! Get ahold of yourself, Phoney!" Fone Bone yanked the strap back. They tugged on both ends.

"He's got the Hangry Madness!" Smiley said to Bartleby.

Phoney finally let go. The craziness in his eyes settled, but his fists stayed clenched. "FINE! You have Bartleby, and I have nothing! What good's a baby monster gonna be in Boneville?!" Smiley covered the rat creature's ears, and Phoney stormed off the cart.

"Go! Don't worry about us! We'll find the wheel and fix the cart. That you wrecked." Fone Bone slung the knapsack on his back.

"HEY! I just found the wheel!" Smiley exclaimed.

"What? Where?" Smiley pointed up to the ledge ahead. The wheel sat about ten feet above them. "It must have bounced."

Fone Bone stared at it. "Good grief. How are we going to get that?"

Smiley snapped his fingers. "I know! There's some rope in th' cart, and I have mad lasso skills!"

Fone Bone gave him a funny look. "Since when?"

"Okay, better idea- remember when we were kids- you, me, an' Phoney would stand on each other's shoulders to sneak pies off Miss Crab-Bone's window sill? We could do that!"

"Good idea, Smiley! Bartleby, you're on the bottom!" They jumped off the cart and found Phoney sulking on the jagged rock. "C'mon, Phoney! We need your help!" Fone Bone said.

Phoney hunkered down. "I'll only help if I get to carry th' food supplies."

"You're impossible!"

Fone Bone helped Bartleby and Smiley form a wobbly ladder against the ledge. Smiley picked Fone Bone up, hoisting him on his shoulders. Fone Bone extended his arms as far as he could for the wheel. They were a foot short.

"I can't reach it- stretch out!"

"We are!"

Fone Bone felt wind hit his back and heard the cart creak. He tried hopping off Smiley's shoulders, almost falling again in the process. "It's no use. We need Phoney."

"Uh, guys...we have a little problem." Phoney said.

"Yeah, you! Let me down so I can give him the stupid bread thingies." He started bending his knees. "I'd be happy to watch him carry them, if you're that worried!" Smiley grinned.

"Forget the bread thingies! LOOK AT THE CART!"

Fone Bone, Smiley, and Bartleby turned their heads and froze. The cart hadn't moved, but it had attracted a visitor. Perched on top of it was an ugly, colossal vulture. It cocked its head, blinking at them.

"This can't be good. they only show up when they're waiting for things to die." Fone Bone whispered. "Then what's he doing around here?" Smiley replied. "Oh." They carefully lowered off the ledge and huddled together.

"This does not bode well."

"That's what I said, Phoney!"

Smiley shushed them. "That's the bird who was following us! He knows we're out of food and water, an' our cart's broken!" Bartleby trembled again. "What're we gonna do?!"

Phoney charged onto the cart and threw punches at its belly. "Run him off!"

Smiley and Fone Bone nodded and joined Phoney.

"G'wan, ya big BUZZARD!"

"Yah! Yah!"

The vulture looked down at them without even rustling its feathers.

"GO AWAY! Shoo!"

"It's not working!" The vulture bent down and pecked Phoney and Fone Bone on their heads. The Bones fell back as it licked its lips. Just when it seemed to reevaluate its mealtime, Bartleby gave an ear-piercing roar and pounced on the its right talon, giving it a big chomp. The vulture squawked and and brushed Bartleby with its heavy wings before flying off. The Bones cheered.

Phoney faced the ledge. "Now let's grab that wheel and get out of here! HIT IT! Just like when we were kids!" They all hurried over to ledge to form another ladder. Phoney dashed to the top of Fone Bone's shoulders and grabbed the wheel. "Got it!"

He threw the wheel to Smiley, who attached it to the cart after Fone Bone and Bartleby lifted it off the jagged rocks. "ALL RIGHT, PUSH! Let's get this cart down to the cows!" In less than a minute, they had flawlessly wheeled the cart off the rocks and set the yoke back in place.

"Uh, oh! Look! The vulture is coming back!" Bartleby yelled. "WHOA! That buzzard's comin' in fast! He looks pretty upset!" Smiley watched as a big, black gust of wind glided down the canyon.

"Everyone get in the cart! Don't let him land- Bartleby, on my signal, show him some teeth!" Smiley dug through the hay and pulled out a long coil of rope. He tied a knot near the end and created a large loop.

"Smiley- are you gonna try doin' what I THINK you're gonna try doin'?!" Phoney exclaimed.

"No, I'm just gonna do!" Phoney and Fone Bone hugged each side of the cart as Smiley swung the lasso. The vulture flew over them, talons extended. "NOW, BARTLEBY!"

Bartleby bared his fangs. The vulture quickly changed its course and started gliding back up, but not before Smiley had thrown the lasso around one talon. The cart hovered off the bottom and then soared straight up. Bartleby clung to the back. Once they had made it up to the surface, Smiley took out an axe and hacked off the rope, landing them on the other side of the canyon. The vulture, along with the end of the rope flailing behind it, shrank into the distance and disappeared.

"That worked out pretty good." Smiley looked behind him at the stunned passengers. Phoney struggled to catch his breath.

Fone Bone looked around. "Wait a minute- This looks familiar... Yeah, yeah! I think I know where we are."

They were still surrounded by desert, but beyond the sandy rock, gray mountain peaks popped up. "This is where we first got separated! And we know there are watering holes between here and Boneville! We have a little water in our canteens. If we're careful and tighten our belts, we'll be home in no time!"

"YES!" Phoney gave Fone Bone a high-five.

"Which way is Boneville?" Bartleby asked. "THAT way!" Fone Bone and Phoney said together, pointing in opposite directions.

"Wait, you're right. Let's go that way. Yeah!" Fone Bone said. "See? You'd still be utterly lost without me behind the reins!" Phoney said, steering the cows left.

Bartleby settled on the hay. "I'm sorry about your lasso, Smiley."

Smiley shook his head. "Easy come, easy go, ol' chum. I'm not sad. We're still in uncharted territory...at this rate we could be lost forever, an' have adventures everyday!"

"Oh, brother."

Smiley got comfortable next to Bartleby. "Being lost is a state of mind, you know."

"You were born lost, Smiley." Phoney declared.

"Yeah! ACES!" Bartleby agreed.