A/N: Hola. New Death Note fanfic. It's MattMello, surprise! This is a songfic to a song called Burn. You'll see bits and pieces of it, like the song on Matt's MP3 player for instance is, Burn. I've been listening to Topeka by Ludo on loop for hours now *sings*I found god in a catalytic converter in Topeka on a Monday night*bricked* so all of the chapter titles will be Ludo songs. I don't know how this will turn out, but then, do I ever? Song lyrics will be given in full later. Anyway, onward!
Warning: Nothing really for this chapter. Is it bad that M has become my default rating?
Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.
The redhead lay there in silence, listening to the rain. It would have been just too perfect if he could say that the day the one person he had ever cared for had left him had been cold and dark and rainy. But that would have been a lie. It had been unseasonably warm that day, not a single cloud to block the setting sun. Still, the rain held memories too.
He could remember going for walks in the rain when he was stressed. The rain was soothing. The only problem he had with it was that it made it impossible to smoke since he couldn't light a cigarette. He found his fingers itching for the familiar feel now.
But he could remember once when he had left without warning and been gone too long. Mello had come looking for him. He remembered the way Mello looked when he found him, huddled up under the low branches of a spruce tree in the park. His golden hair plastered to his pale face, soft golden eyelashes blinking away stray raindrops that threatened to drip into intense blue eyes. Mello had been so angry at first. Angry at Matt for running off in the middle of a storm, angry at himself for not noticing sooner, and angry at the world for the things that had happened to them both to prompt episodes like this. But the moment he had caught sight of the look on Matt's face all of the anger had melted away from his expression.
Matt hadn't been frightened of Mello, just of the anger. He had been in the middle of a flashback, which was why he had hidden. At first he had cringed away from Mello's touch, fearing pain though he knew there would be none. It wasn't rational, but it was the way things were. Of the two of them, Matt wasn't really less given to emotional outbursts, it was just that Matt was quieter about his so they went unnoticed more often. He was usually silent when he had a breakdown like that. He wouldn't speak, wouldn't make a sound, refused to cry. All of that out of fear. Mello threw temper tantrums, Matt just hid from the world.
That might have been one of the things that had helped to drive the wedge. He knew how to deal with Mello. Sort of. He could usually calm the blonde down, even if some subconscious part of him was so terrified by those outbursts that all he wanted to do was hide. But Mello had no idea how to deal with him. And if there was one thing Mello had never been good at, it was not knowing things. But Matt knew he hadn't helped the matter. Mello had tried, when he had an episode, to help Matt. Usually this consisted of having enough self-control to not hit the redhead, but it was still something. If Mello had ever hit him Matt would never have had the strength to try again. But Matt didn't even try. When he had an episode he just sat in silence, arms wrapped around himself and completely unreceptive to Mello's comforting touch. It wasn't entirely his fault. Mello always touched. It was like he couldn't figure out that the touching just drove Matt further away. But Matt never really tried to speak. Though he knew his silence wasn't willful, he could have tried harder to fight it.
Matt turned over onto his other side so that he wouldn't have to watch the rain. As much as he wanted the silence right now – thinking of the past always made him paranoid – he found himself raising one trembling hand to hit the button on his MP3 player.
All these memories seem so far away
Please tell me this was not a dream
Time I spent here with you alone
I never knew you were so cold
Matt cringed at the lyrics. Burn, just what he didn't need to hear right now. But somehow he couldn't turn it off. It was like the song was speaking to him and he felt compelled to listen.
Your kisses
Your touches
Your whispers
Your screams
And then he slammed his hand back down. The sudden silence was nothing like it had been before the song. It roared in his ears, making the soft sound of the rain seem deafening. He suddenly felt so small and he wished it would go away. The sudden rush of silent sound had sent him crashing back into his memories and he found himself teetering on the edge of a breakdown with no one there to pull him out of it.
He couldn't do this. Mello couldn't live with Matt. Matt couldn't live without Mello. He couldn't win. So what was he doing? He wasn't really sure. He'd just been drifting ever since Mello had left three months earlier.
Goggle covered eyes caught on the bottle that sat on the table. Mello had left it. He didn't need it anymore, so it didn't matter. But it was something Matt had started using. Very carefully so that he didn't hurt himself or end up addicted. It was just that it helped him sleep. Mello had needed it for the pain after the explosion. Matt couldn't say he blamed him. Mello usually wouldn't take anything that could affect his perception – he didn't even drink – but he had melted half his body and broken several bones. Matt felt certain that merited pain meds, even for Mello.
For Matt it was a different kind of pain. The kind that haunted him in the silence and sent shooting aches through his bones. The kind that was something no drugs could treat. After all, there was no pill they could give you to make you forget. But the stuff Mello had left helped him sleep and it dulled the nightmares a little. It made existence not hurt quite so much. But sometimes he wondered, because it could make existence go away. But he wouldn't do that. He had promised Mello after the first time he ran away because of a breakdown. It was a promise he intended to keep.
And so he turned back over, foregoing the quarter of a dose he usually would have allowed himself to help him sleep. It was too tempting. Instead he just focused on the sound of the rain. The thunder of the silence and memories had relented a bit and he was grateful. He let out a soft sigh and closed his eyes to wait for sleep to take him.