The soft knock on the door shook Reid awake.
He blinked a moment, the realization of where he was leaving a sinking feeling in his stomach. It wasn't a dream. Reid turned his head towards the door, resigned.Can't the doctors just let me rest a while?
His face brightened, however, once he saw the woman in the doorway. She stood straight, a hesitant smile on her face as she waited for permission to enter.
Brave face, Reid. Put on your brave face.
"Hey, JJ." Reid made a slight face at the croak in his voice.
"Hi. Can I…?" JJ motioned to the room.
"Yeah, come on in. Have a seat." Reid slowly attempted to push himself into a seated position.
"Easy, Spence," JJ chided, instantly setting her stuff on the bed and placing a hand on his shoulder. "Don't make me call Doctor Kimura back in here." She grinned, and Reid chuckled.
"I can't help it. I'm tired of lying down. I've counted all the tiles on the ceiling four times already."
JJ held back a laugh at Reid's pouting, and took pity instead. "All right. Let me help you, at least?"
Reid nodded, and JJ wasn't sure if his lack of protest should've been cause for concern. She pushed that thought aside, though, and managed to get him leaning against the top end of his pillows. "Better?"
"Much. Thank you." Their arms were still around each other – hers over his shoulder, his on her waist. JJ took the opportunity to attempt a hug, which Reid happily accepted. Her back was twisted at an awkward angle, and it tinged in protest. She ignored the pain.
"It's good to see you, Spence," JJ said, pulling back to give him a good look. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm doing okay." At JJ's skeptical look, he continued. "Honest. My throat's a little scratchy yet –"
"Oh! Sorry to interrupt, but that reminds me…" JJ moved out of his arms, grabbing the container out from under her coat. "Some Jell-O," she began, handing him the cup, "and a spoon." She smiled as she watched Reid pry open the lid.
"Morgan and I were talking about going to the store and grabbing a mini-supply of it for you at some point." JJ then pulled up the nearest chair and settled in, her coat draped over her lap. For a spring day, it was a little on the chilly side. Or maybe it was the chill in the hospital that got to her.
That news was enough to genuinely cheer Reid a little. "This is good for the moment, thank you."
"Did you need any water?" JJ continued. Reid held up a half-full bottle sitting on the table.
"So aside from your throat…you're really doing okay?" JJ tried to keep her voice light as Reid dug into his dessert.
Reid shrugged as he swallowed a bite. "They want to keep an eye on my lungs for a while, make sure there was no permanent damage." His clinical, matter-of-fact tone only aided the lurch of JJ's stomach. "And they're making sure the infection didn't seep into my blood, either, 'cause of the cut. Other than that, though," He looked up, his expression and voice eager (far too much so, JJ thought)."I should be okay and able to get out of here in the next day or two."
JJ couldn't hide her stunned reaction. How is he being so nonchalant about this?
"JJ? You okay?" He'd set his cup and spoon down on the bedside table, brows furrowed in concern.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm…fine." She shifted under his gaze. "Okay, I'm not. I just…how are you not scared about what you just told me?"
Reid blinked, and grew quiet. She almost asked him again, unsure if he'd even heard.
Then Reid's demeanor shifted, a sign that he'd been caught out in his little charade. He murmured inaudibly, so soft that JJ had to lean in. "What was that, Spence?" she asked.
"Who says I'm not scared?" he repeated, a little louder. The fear was apparent in his eyes this time, and that only added to JJ's concern.
"You are?"
"Of course I am. This whole thing scared me. I nearly…" He took a deep breath, and JJ silently thanked him for not finishing that thought.
Reid began tugging at his bedcovers. "It just…brought some bad memories back." His fears had manifested into vivid nightmares the previous evening. Being sucked into dark, unknown places. Seeing his friends and family and calling out to them, only for them not to hear. Blotches rapidly appearing all over his body.
Even the simple act of speaking was tough, for all that did was remind him of the moment in the ambulance when his speech began to fail him, when his brain and his mouth could not connect. That was perhaps the scariest moment of the entire ordeal, and the memory that haunted him the most. As a result, he'd struggled to find sleep last night, instead waking at least six times that he could recall.
There'd been no respite from the terrifying images through the morning, either. Reid knew he needed to get the thoughts out of his mind, needed to attempt to clear his head. So he pressed forward, and gave voice to the main thought that had dogged him the night before. "It hit me last night - this was the second time I got sick from a powerful substance."
He gave her a meaningful glance, but she didn't need to see his face to know what he was referring to. A shiver ran through her, and she found herself gripping her coat.
"Hankel and Brown…they both thought they were doing the right thing by putting their substances into people." He made a dark noise of disbelief. "At least in Tobias' case he only drugged me." His gaze was now fully on his sheets.
JJ didn't think she'd ever stop being amazed by Reid's attempts to understand the other perspective. Even now, he still tries to find some defense for that man. She didn't think she'd ever be able to get to a place where she could understand or sympathize with either unsub.
"But they were wrong. They put so many people in danger. Innocent people." She leaned in again, attempted to catch his eye. It worked. "That creep could've killed you yesterday, Spence."
He could've killed Henry and Will, too. People who didn't willingly sign on for that risk.
"I know." Voice still quiet. "I'm not – I'm not trying to defend them, don't get me wrong. I'm just noting the similarities. I'm just…trying to make sense of this."
"What do you mean? Make sense of it how?"
Reid was silent for a moment before answering her. "Most people never have to encounter those situations, and those that do often only experience them once." He paused. "I came close to death twice. I know I've been in many life-threatening situations, but I only ever felt that sick twice." He sucked in a breath, as though it pained him to finish his thought. "And both times, it's my fault I wound up like that."
JJ's eyes went wide with shock. "How do you figure?"
"I split from you in Georgia, and Tobias took me. Here, I split from Morgan, and I got infected."
"Spence, you can't blame yourself for that. Nobody would've been in danger to begin with if Hankel and Brown hadn't turned to lives of crime."
Reid shook his head. "I know you're right about that, JJ, but I still feel like an idiot for wandering off by myself. Again."
At least he hadn't seen a light again this time. As comforting as that light, that warmth, that he'd experienced had been, it still unnerved him to think about it. All that did was remind him that he'd actually briefly died. He'd walked that fine line this time, too, but fortunately, he was able to avoid stepping across.
"I just…wonder if all this was some sort of…"
"Punishment? A warning?" He can't seriously believe that, can he?
Reid's silence told her otherwise, though, and JJ sat, stunned. Frankly, she couldn't make sense of why this happened, either, to Reid or anyone else, but she refused to believe God, or the universe, could be that cruel to her friend.
So she stated that aloud. "No, Spence. No. I can't explain why you got such bad luck twice in a row, but what I do know is there isn't any reason for Hankel and Brown putting you through what they did that would be justified, or make any sense to me." Reid was startled, and a little touched, to see JJ's fists tighten around her coat.
"And the fact remains that you survived. You didn't let the physical effects of either situaiton stop you from doing your job, and you still managed to do everything possible to beat those unsubs at their game. If this is a sign of something, maybe it's just a reminder of your ability to handle whatever comes your way. Mind, I wish the universe could find better ways to remind you of that, but…" She gave Reid a sympathetic look. "I don't know if that helped."
"It did," Reid said, and he meant it. The admiration in JJ's voice as she stressed all the good that had come out of this event, as well as the one with Hankel, was deep, and genuine, and full of emotion. She'd been worried, but never dared to doubt his ability to make it through this experience, or do his job.
Somehow, that restored a small measure of his confidence. "Thank you, JJ."
"I know you like having answers, but unfortunately the world doesn't always want us to have them. Or understand them when we do get them."
"That's comforting." Reid let a small smile slip, though, at JJ's attempt at humor. "I'm not even necessarily expecting answers, really. It's just…something that's been on my mind," he explained, waving a hand.
JJ sympathized. She'd spent enough time in hospitals to know the weird and dark places one's mind could travel.
"Who knows, maybe it's my mind's way of telling me I've been stuck here way too long," Reid continued.
His humor seemed to be returning now. A good sign. "You've only been here a little over a day and a half," she reminded him, a teasing lilt to her voice.
"Like I said, too long." JJ rolled her eyes, but laughed all the same, and Reid joined her.
"No, I hear you. I'm not a fan of hospitals, either." She could only recall one happy memory set in a hospital, and that one had happened a mere six months ago.
You're born in these places, and you can die in these places. JJ marveled at the extremes.
"So how's Henry?"
Reid's voice had cut through her thoughts. "Hm?"
"I said, how's Henry?" His face brightened further at the thought of his godson.
JJ shared his longing for the change in subject. "He's good. Will was with him yesterday, and they were away from the park, so they had no exposure to any of what happened."
"That's a relief."
"I'll say!" Reid caught the wobble in her smile, and frowned. So much for that topic panning out well.
He cringed as he recalled the mention of that baby that had been infected in the previous attack. I shouldn't have even brought that up. Sure, the infant had been lucky, but he wanted to kick himself for putting that fear into JJ's head all the same. She would've worried no matter what, of course, but he'd regretted instigating that concern anyway.
"I'm sorry."
JJ's brows furrowed. "For what?"
"For upsetting you. I shouldn't have told you that story about the baby."
It took a second for JJ to recall. "Oh! No, Spence, it's okay. You don't have to apologize for that."
"But I made you worry." In so many ways.
"Actually, you didn't. Anytime I started freaking out yesterday, I just kept reminding myself, 'the other baby survived'." JJ placed a hand over Reid's, and gave it a quick rub.
"Besides, I need to know about this stuff, no matter how scary it is. I need to know what's out there, so I can prepare and do whatever I can to protect my son. I already know more than I ever wanted to know about all the dangers out there thanks to this job." She gave a slight shrug of her shoulder. "This is just the latest one, I guess."
Reid nodded. He could understand that. By naming him godfather, JJ had entrusted him to help care for her son, and he was not about to let her down. The story about the baby had frightened him, too, when he read it, and thoughts of Henry had sprung to his mind, too.
But he couldn't afford to show fear. He had a job to do, and he needed to be strong for JJ's sake.
Reid turned his hand so it gripped JJ's, and gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "I'm glad he's okay." I'm glad you're all okay.
JJ returned the squeeze, not trusting herself to speak at that moment. The memories of the last twenty-four plus hours seemed to finally overwhelm her.
After a beat of silence, and once she'd composed herself, she huffed. "You know, I actually tried calling home yesterday."
Reid's brows shot up. "Really?"
"Yeah. I just…couldn't stand not letting them know." She looked down at her lap. "I know I shouldn't have done it, but –"
"I contacted my mom."
JJ's head shot up. "You did?"
"Well, not directly. I…asked Garcia to record a message for her from me, after I got infected. Just in case…" Now it was Reid's turn to swallow the lump in his throat.
JJ was pretty certain she heard her heart break. "Oh, Spence…" Please, God, don't ever let there be a reason for his mom to have to listen to that message.
"Son reaching out to mother, mother reaching out to son," Reid mused. "Seems fitting."
"It does."
And they will always know you love them, and in turn will always love you. Hoping they'd each conveyed that message to the other.
There was another knock at the door. This time, it was Doctor Kimura, much to Reid's relief.
"Well, I suppose that's my signal to go," JJ began. She and Kimura briefly exchanged greetings, and then she turned to hug Reid once more.
"I'm so glad you're okay," she whispered.
"I'm fine." He paused. "I'm sorry if I scared you."
"You can make it up to me by continuing to get well," JJ said as she pulled away. "Take care of yourself," she continued, her gaze fixed on him. "And be good for Doctor Kimura here." She looked over at the woman, who let out a light laugh.
"Yes, ma'am." Reid smirked.
JJ gathered her things and began heading towards the door.
"Hey, JJ?"
She stopped. "Yeah?"
"Can I come see Henry after I get out of here?"
This time the smile lit up JJ's entire face. "Of course. Call me and we'll make plans."
Reid flashed her a thumbs up, and after one last wave between them, he watched her go.
That night, when Reid dreamed, and called for his friend, she responded, and held his hand.
Reviews/critiques/etc. appreciated, as always.