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Disclaimer: I do not own HSM or any of the characters involved in it. Neither do I own the song What hurts the most from Cascada
Rated: T (just to be sure)
Genre: Romance/Hurt/Comfort/Friendship
Couple: Troypay
Summary: Well, this is just a oneshot (It's now a story), based on the song What hurts the most from Cascada. A while ago I listened to this song and pictured this story to the lyrics….You'll see.
Hope you like it and review! (…..Please…..)Don't forget to review!!! Enjoy the story!
WHAT HURTS THE MOST
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house, that don't bother me
"You're dead Bolton!" I heard when the door of East High closed behind me. Immediately a strong wind embraced my body. It was bloody cold. Winter was finally here.
I pulled the collar of my Kashmir jacket tighter against my neck, as I walked towards the gang in the middle of a snow fight. It was beautiful. I mean the surroundings, not the snow battle. I just love this time of year. Everything is as a gift-wrapped present, crystal sheets cover up different places, school's out and it's the one time my parents are at home for sure. And Ryan and I can spend the whole week with them – if they are not on a party somewhere. It's sad they don't see how that makes us feel-I mean they're our parents.
Snow flakes kept on falling on my heated cheeks, where they melted into drops of water. I saw Chad launch a snowball at Troy that missed him completely.
"You never could throw a ball." He laughs at him-to tease. Troy.
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
His smile has always been so friendly and warm. Even when it was fake. Yes, I knew when he gave me a lot of those in junior year. The memory made my chest tighten. Every time he directed me such a smile it hurt as hell, although I suppressed the feeling and kept my posture. My actions were obvious. All could see I was attracted to the all-star player, but none, except my brother knew I was in love with him. Even I didn't know; how could anybody else? I didn't realize it until the end of summer at Lava Springs. How much loyalty had bonded him with his friends and how much he would give up for them. I never saw anything like it. Our parents were barely home, so when we were little, Ryan and I were left in the care of professional babysitters – cold and strict. Why did I become the bad twin, if we both had the same babysitters? Truth be told – father was always away. And when mother was pregnant she had her heart set on a boy. She ended up with one, but also got a girl for free. Ryan always got her affections and he built up a special bond with her. Therefore I got everything a girl could ever wish for, except what I really wanted. Love. Because I was jealous, I shut myself from other people and Ryan became the 'poodle'. It was still wrong, although he did it because of the reason, he loved me. He knew how to. I didn't. When we returned to East High for sophomore year, I told him I was sorry. His reply on it was: "I love you, sis." And Ryan and I grew closer, just like a brother and sister should. He was no poodle anymore.
That time I learned what love actually means. Love isn't an expensive gift you can buy. Neither is it something you can force. Love is supposed to be something unconditional. Something that makes you smile like a child on Christmas day, when he opens a gift he's been waiting for so long. The same time I learned I was in love with Troy Bolton.
I'm not afraid to cry
I kept looking at him, standing a little away from all of them.
"Ice Queen!" Chad finally caught a glimpse of me. I just rolled my eyes at his words. Oh boy, I still didn't get rid of the nickname. After I let people get to know me, without the shield, I got quite fond of them.
The next thing I saw was a big, wet snowball flying right into Chad's face. Laughter erupted from the others, while I was trying to hold back mine – unsuccessfully that is. The same person that threw the snowball, quickly made his way to me, while Chad was still busy getting the rest of snow out of his hair.
"Hey, Pay." He greeted, reaching me. His cheeks were flushed, his jacket buttoned up to his neck and little clouds of breath left his lips when he spoke. It was adorable.
"Hello Troy." I smile friendly. Troy was probably the only one who called me Pay, except for Ryan. He returned the smile - always the gentleman.
"Care to join?" He asked, wiggling his brows. "You know you want to."
Oh, he was giving me that look again. It was funny and cute at the same time. If he could only know how hard it was for me, when he did that. But I couldn't give in.
"Ah, you know me to well."
"What can I say?" He shrugged his shoulders. While he was distracted with this, I took the opportunity and nudged the hand in which he was holding a nice and round snowball. SMUSH! It hit home base at the bottom of his chin. His shocked expression told me everything. Score. Amused, I watched as half snow, half water ran down his neck.
"Got-cha!" I whispered, leant forward, before quickly jumping back and out of his reach. He abruptly smiled and went after me.
"You're gonna get it Evans."
Every once in a while even though going on with you gone still upsets me
He was the best basketball player and all-in-all the best jock at East High. I didn't stand a chance. In about eight seconds he caught me, wrapped one arm around my waist and scooped me up.
"Troy!" I yelled between laughs, kicking my legs in the air. "Put me down." But he didn't listen and stuffed a hand full of snow in my face. The Ice Queen would have screamed on top of her lungs, so she could be heard a mile around and the minute she would be placed back on the ground, she would have stomped off angrily. But that was Sharpay Evans. And she laughed and squirmed. After smearing snow in my face, he finally let me down, but kept a tight grip on me. I just loved the feeling.
"Ok, you had your turn, now let me go." I chuckled.
"Nah-ah." His hand went for another pile of snow." I'm not done."
"Troy!" I begged with laughter. But before he tried anything else, he got interrupted. Gabriella came dancing along and dumped some snow on his head-what seriously got his attention.
"Catch me, B-boy!"
There are days
Troy's arm momentarily left my waist and went for his other target. My laughter lay down a bit, as I caught my breath and watched him grab Gabriella from behind. He hugged her tightly and started to softly rock her in his arms-and wouldn't you know it, my smile disappeared and my good mood with it. Like I said: You can't force love. And Troy Bolton never loved me. He loved Gabriella Montez and fortunately for him, she loved him back. They say if you love someone, you must let them go-so I did. I didn't want to be the bitch I was before and I didn't want to hurt Gabriella either. But the more I hung out with them, the more it got unbearable for me. Yes, I didn't want to break them up, but I couldn't stand it either. Whenever he put his arm around her protectively, whenever he planted kisses on her. It hurt. Deeply. The worst thing was, I could do nothing about the pain.
I stiffened when he kissed her cheek. Suddenly I wasn't only feeling cold, but also sick. That was happening more and more often. Footsteps, stomping through the snow, caught my attention and when I turned around, Ryan was already by my side.
"Hey sis, now that you're here we can finally have a snow-fight." Hi large scarf and one of his famous hats made him look-just silly. I had to smile.
"Yeah, us three against the two 'Brains' and the Basketball Captain." Chad joined us, throwing up and down a snowball in his hand.
"Thank you, but I'll pass." I replied as sweetly as possible. I didn't want them to feel insulted.
"Come on, Sharpay." Gabriella begged, still embraced in Troy's arms.
"Yeah, without you, Ice Queen, I stand no chance against the three." whined Chad.
"You have me." Ryan interrupted, eyeing him dumbly.
"Like I said, I have no chance."
Every now and again I pretend I'm okay but that's not what gets me
"Pay." I heard his soft voice and turned around to him." Just for a while."
His left arm was now resting on Gabriella's shoulders. I smiled weakly - just to be polite, but inside…..That's another story.
"It's not that I don't want to. It's just that I'm not feeling very well- I think I'm sick.." That was party the truth.
"I'm gonna go home." I quickly added. "Have fun guys."
I heard a few goodbyes and in the distance first impacts of the snow-fight.
What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
As often so, I found myself at a children's playground on my way form East High home. Every time I took that way home, I stopped at the playground for a while. Here I always, for some reason, had my peace. My favorite was the swing, where I was sitting that same day. It was so quiet it was almost creepy. I couldn't believe I had ditched my friends again, just because of my….stupid….feelings. I either didn't hang out with them or swallowed everything and cried my eyes out as soon as I was alone. Who would have thought that the Ice Queen would cry over a boy? Yet, he isn't only a boy. He is Troy Bolton. Although I was alone I did not want to cry. Tears but soon ran freely down my face. They were really warm, when on the other hand, their fresh tracks burned coldly.
And watching you walk away
"Sharpay?" That was weird. I heard his voice and begged it was only my imagination. I did not turn around, but rather fixed my view on the ground. My prayer remained unheard; footsteps were coming closer towards me, until a pair of boots stood in front of me. My head rose and my eyes fell upon the one and only Troy Bolton, in flesh and breathing. He was looking down at me with those eyes. Thos innocent, lost eyes and didn't say a thing. I figured out I had to break the uncomfortable silence.
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
"H-Hey….W-what are you doing here?" I stuttered, completely forgetting he could see I had been crying.
"I'm on my way home." He breathed, calm and…concerned? He waited a few seconds before he opened his mouth again.
"Are-Are you okay?" Of course I wasn't. I had been crying. The Ice Queen had been crying. I couldn't tell him that, because the reason I had been crying was he and telling him that would cause a lot more problems the not to.
"Nothing to make you worry your head about it." I smiled weakly at him - that was the second time that day. He didn't buy it, yet didn't want to push it. He was too nice.
"You sure?" What should I have said to that? All I wanted to say was: NO. I did not want to lie to him. And a 'yes' or 'yeah' would have been big, fat lies, so I just nodded. He almost couldn't, yet he smiled encouraging.
"Okay" He paused and dug his hands in his pockets. "I guess I'll see you around the holidays. You know - Hang out or something."
It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
Sure. Hang out or something. I knew that I wouldn't see a glimpse of him in the holidays. He would make plans and promises, but would end up spending the holidays with Gabriella. They would exchange Christmas gifts, fool around in the snow and cuddle together in front of the fireplace, with a blanket and two cups of hot chocolate.
"Sure." I murmured, my lips revealing a small smile.
"Then it's settled." He smiled and turned to walk away. It was ironic. Every time he walked away I had a feeling he walked away on me. I lowered my head and eyes to my feet to avoid everything I might have felt.
"Unless,.." I raised my head and saw his back still turned to me. He stood there and looked at me, like he never looked at me before.
"Unless you want to talk. About anything. Anything at all. Even if it's the most unimportant reason." He sighed deeply. "I know we've……… never been really good friends before the whole 'Lava Spring's' accident, but…..Now, that you've opened up ……you're…..A really…Sweet girl." He smiled. "And it's nice to be around you."
I could feel my cheeks starting to swell to a cherry red. He-he said I was sweet? He thinks I'm sweet. Those words out of his mouth were like fresh air to my lungs. That would only make me soft. Be a bad guy! Just for once! I did not want him to become a bad guy. I liked the guy he was, he's always been. The fact would only make it easier for me to get over him. But, I couldn't, I couldn't. Before the blushing turned to obvious, I composed myself and smirked.
But I'm doing it
"Tell me something I don't know."
He chuckled and I gladly joined him, but he quickly turned sensitive on me. Damn you Troy!
"Pay?" He asked and I looked up from my feet, which I was staring at again. Why does he keep on doing that? "I'm here for you. Okay?"
Darn. How can I keep on pretending when he keeps playing the caring and loveable guy? He was making it harder and harder for me. Getting near wouldn't help. He should have yelled at me, ignored me, acted rude and selfish, jerk, ego. But all these things never fitted him. Troy is one in a million. He is the guy you dream about. He is the one you take home to meet your parents-if they're home that is. He is the guy you marry after 6 years of dating him. Let's face it, he is prince charming, minus the white horse of course.
"Okay."
Why did I do that? I knew he could never be there for me. Not now. Not like that. Then why did I lie? Why have I always kept on lying? Because I feared to tell the truth. YES! I did. And if I was lucky people were pleased that way. A lie was just simpler then the truth. Also, Troy was happy.
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
"Good" he softened and relaxed visibly. He was glad and so was I. His hands rested in his pockets like before and his breath built little clouds. "See you around Pay-pay."
His feet crushed the snow beneath his steps as he started for home.
"You too Troy."
The sight of his body soon disappeared from my view and I felt like breathing again. I sighed. He desperately wanted to help me. He wanted to be a friend. Sadly, I never saw him just as a friend. He was the friend and the love I craved for so much. I wished for nothing more then love. Nothing more then the feeling of being loved and that would be enough. No expensive gifts. No false looks. Nothing else.
Still harder getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret
I looked straight up at the sky. It was completely white, with light shades of gray. Small snowflakes danced in circles from above. It was Christmas. The time when miracles happen and wishes come true. I never really believed in that. I only believe what I personally experience. And I never experienced that. But could it be true? Could my prayers be heard? I shook my head. Probably not. But the again….
I threw my eyes up again. Nothing else. No expensive gifts. No false looks. Just the feeling of being loved. I closed my eyes.
But I know if I could do it over
He is my friend and my love. Yet my love, he can't be, for many, many reasons. What hurt the most though was that he didn't know how I felt. I thought about how I had to tell him, but would never get the chance to tell. I would watch him grow up and grow apart from me and never knew how I felt for him.
At the last thought something made me feel uncomfortable. More then uncomfortable. Dreadful. I didn't want him to walk out of my life, not knowing how I felt. He deserved to know that. And so did I. I knew I would one day regret it, if I wouldn't tell him. I had to. I wanted to.
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart that I left unspoken
Suddenly, I leaped off the swing and almost stumbled. I balanced myself though, blinked a few times quickly and took a huge gulp of air, before I dashed after him. Everything went so quick. What was I doing? Snowflakes fell against my face. It began to snow stronger. I didn't care. I didn't care I couldn't feel my fingers anymore. The one thing I cared about was where I was headed when I left the playground behind. My feet forced their way through the snow as fast as never before. And so was the beating of my heart-as fast as never before. I had no idea what I wanted to say or do the moment I would reach him.
"Troy?" I shouted, although I could barely hear myself.
Do it first then think about it. This was nothing like me. I always had a plan. Always. But that time my mind was probably on off, because the only thing I felt was my raged breathing and my eyes, which searched for his figure. And there he was. Out of nowhere he appeared before me, struggling through the snow. I stopped, feeling my heart skip a beat.
What hurts the most, is being so close
And having so much to say
"Troy." I murmured quietly, just to myself, before I started after him again. "Troy!" I called, hoping it was loud enough for him to hear. I was getting closer and closer and just couldn't stop. The road was quite slippery. He turned around surprised and caught me just as I bumped into him. His arms instinctively wrapped around me, although he also almost could have landed on the ground with me. Surprisingly, despite the cold, he was so warm. So cosy warm. I couldn't help but close my eyes in the sensation, before his voice brought me back.
And watching you walk away
"Hey,.." He chuckled, looking down at me. "Where's the fire?"
This was it. The Do it first then think about it thing. What should I say to him? Should I even say anything? Why again was this a good idea? I just stared into his icy blue eyes. Poor guy. He looked concerned and lost. And I was numb.
"Here." I blurted out and put my hand on my chest-right above my heart. Heck, I had no clue where that came from. "Right here."
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
His eyebrow furrowed comically, when he gave me a quizzical look, his arms still holding me close.
"What?" He smiled.
"I know there's not a chance for this to happen and I don't want anything in return, but…." I gulped. "I had to. I-I just had to. I didn't want to wake up one day and regret never telling you. Never knowing what could have been if I did."
Where did that come from?It was good, but I wasn't finished. Go on, fool.
"I'm sure sometime in the future I would be pissed as hell for that mistake-And you would have left. It-it's just an opportunity, you know. An opportunity. Either you take it or leave it. I guess I decided to take it."
I'm not afraid to cry
Every once in a while even though going on with you gone still upsets me
I swallowed unsure of what to expect of him. It didn't seem much clearer for him then before.
"Decided to take what?" He asked skeptically. "What are you talking about, Shar?"
What, I need to go into details? Oh, boy… I licked my lips, which were starting to get really dry.
"I-I'm talking about…About love." I got it out. And it felt liberating. I couldn't believe it. "That….can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars over the fence, World Series kind of love."
"Love?" He relaxed his grip and became serious, looking at me like a helpless animal. "Who do you love?" Wasn't he listening before? Is just playing stupid?
There are days
Every now and again I pretend I'm okay but that's not what gets me
I don't exactly know what happened to me next, for I lost my temper. I didn't know whether it was because of him or because I felt myself sink as if I were in quicksand. Is he that blind?
"Damn you Troy Bolton!" I pushed at his chest so I backed away from him. "You're such a brain dead jock! Are you seriously telling me you don't get it?"
He was clueless and I was seriously humiliated.
"Sharpay-" He was still sweet and reasonable, yet I dared myself to cut him off.
"It's you!" I was furious. I yelled. And I finally told him. "You, you block-head. It's been you all along." I watched his expression. It was….It was something I didn't know how to categorize. At that moment I didn't even give a damn. Words just flew out of my mouth like on a conveyor.
What hurts the most, is being so close
And having so much to say
"I loved you even before I knew it. Even when I denied it. That's why I was upset. That's why I was crying. That's the reason I didn't stay for the snow fight. Because I couldn't stand to look at you and Gabriella." I sighed. Tears stung in my eyes, before they ran down my cheeks. I was crying. Shit. "You're so in love and it hurts me to see you two together. And no, I am not okay. You're caring and friendly. How can't I love you? Why won't you ignore me or send me to hell? Why?" It was definitely slipping out of my hands. I couldn't stop myself. "You said you're here for me? You can't be. You can't be here for me and Gabriella at the same time. It's because of the fact that you're with her and every time I see you I wish I could hold your hand, cuddle in your arms and….and just-"
And watching you walk away
And there it was. I stopped, but for the wrong reason. Instead of babbling on about it, I rather showed him. My hands clenched his jacket I was holding on, as I stood on my tiptoes, my lips pressed against his. I felt his warm breath against my skin, his soft lips on mine. It was extraordinary. I was kissing Troy Bolton. I didn't know how long we stayed like that, until I pulled away and again felt incomplete. My eyes slowly fluttered open to see his face. He didn't say or do anything, only looked at me. Instantly it struck me. I kissed him. I shouldn't have done it. I'd gone too far. He was taken and I kissed him. That was never my intention. I only wanted to talk to him. And now I had crossed the line.
"I'm sorry…..I'm so sorry." I stuttered and started to run right away. I didn't wait for nothing. My feet quickly took me further down the road to my home. New tears spilled across the already dried ones, falling in the tempo of my running speed. Faster and faster. No call. No voice. Nothing.
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
It didn't take me long to reach my house at that speed. I was inside within seconds and didn't mind taking of my wet boots. I just pulled of my hood and slid down the wall next to the door. Burying my head in the palms of my hands I cried my soul out. How could I have messed up so badly? How could I have kissed him? And Gabriella. She'll hate me for it. He'll hate me. I screamed out in pain and sorrow. I didn't care. My parents weren't at home. Neither was Ryan. I was all alone-like always-and I could cry and cry. I ruined everything. Including friendships. How will I be able to look into his eyes again? Or Gabriella's for that matter? It took me a while until I heard the doorbell ringing and realized that I was the only one home. Whoever it was, was standing in front of the door for some time.
"Just a sec." I rapidly wiped away my tears and stood up to open the door. My hand reached the doorknob and opened the door.
What hurts the most, is being so close
And having so much to say
I almost got a heart attack when I saw there was standing Troy, trying to catch his breath. Did he run? His cheeks were flushed red, his eyes steady and his chest moving with the rhythm of his breaths. I was more then surprised. What is he doing here? I opened my mouth to say something when he decided to be faster.
And watching you walk away
"You,.." He breathed hard. "You're a terrible Drama Queen you know that?" I still hadn't composed myself. I only looked at him. And when I was again, ready to speak, he again made it impossible. Yet not with words. He reached for my face, where his hands softly cupped my cheeks and lead me towards him. He didn't just place his lips on mine. It was a more confident and lustful kiss, then anything else. He licked and sucked at my lips. I couldn't believe it. I had no idea what was happening. And then I felt his tongue and I let it feel me. When he finally pulled away from me, he leaned his forehead against mine. I looked at his eyes when he opened them and bit my lip.
"Troy-"
"Don't" He cut me off. "Don't ask." He looked into my eyes, still leaning his forehead against mine and I could see he was sincere and honest. "I think you know what it means." He whispered and kissed me again. I smiled into the kiss and let him take it even farther. I guess I was wrong about Christmas. Thanks for my wish come true.
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
I was also thinking to make it a story, but I'm not sure.
I hope the story was fun to read……But you tell me! Please review!
Oh, and:
MERRY CHRISTMAS and a HAPPY NEW YEAR
EVERYBODY