So. I'm a bit of a Grinch at Christmas, but I had a wonderfully festive story idea - this comes from all the times I've had to do secret Santa at school and thought "WHAT DO I BUY? HOW DO I DO THE CHRISTMAS THING?"
This is a modern AU in a generic office setting - for office secret Santa! All your favourite Hobbit characters are here! Except it's mostly about Elrond and Thranduil.
I don't own these characters. If I did I'd make Elrond the main character in everything. But I don't, so he isn't.
Tolkien forgive me.
Names: The drawing of and why no-one actually follows the rules
"So you're actually doing a staff secret Santa?"
Elrond looked at his phone and sighed. He wasn't sure why he had decided to text his sons about this, as they were likely to find it hilarious. Arwen was busy studying at a friend's house, and in the absence of anyone else to talk to about it he had resorted to starting a group chat with the twins.
"Yes. I'm not sure how well it's going to work, but Gandalf insisted. He mentioned something about getting to know each other being good for teamwork or something."
His boss was always coming up with these weird and wonderful ideas that he would inflict on his subordinates, and no-one could really say anything to put him off.
"Hmm."
"That seems so... Gandalf. Why do you never get to work with anyone normal?"
Apparently the twins hadn't forgotten the time that Elrond had to save the office from being subjected to 'mandatory Valentines'. He shuddered, remembering the uncomfortable lunchbreak he'd spent in Gandalf's office convincing him that adults were quite capable of displaying affection towards one another when they felt like it, and didn't need to be prodded into sending each other tacky and impersonal cards for his personal amusement. Apart from Thranduil, he couldn't think of anyone else who'd have the nerve to stand up to their boss, and the thought of Thranduil trying to diplomatically resolve that sort of situation...
"My sentiments exactly."
"Are you going to play by the rules then?"
"Of course. What with everyone else, someone has to do it properly."
He may not have liked the idea of secret Santa, but he wasn't going to 'half-arse' it. That would somehow only make everything worse.
"Oh, I've just realised something great!"
Whatever Elladan had just realised, it probably wasn't great.
"What?"
"Thranduil hates this sort of thing, doesn't he?"
"He does."
"And he doesn't exactly know people very well..."
Thranduil liked to keep himself to himself. He didn't go to office events, didn't socialise with anyone and definitely didn't like being forced to participate in anything that wasn't absolutely necessary. The only exception to this was his tentative friendship with Elrond, as the two worked together a lot and had sent their children to the same secondary school, meaning that they saw each other often in work and elsewhere. Their children were friends as well, which made their friendship pretty much unavoidable.
"He's not been allowed to opt out, either."
"Oh no. This is going to be brilliant."
"You're not here dealing with it!"
Thranduil all ready spent most of his time in a bad mood, and the enforced festivities were only going to make him worse.
"You're going to keep us updated though."
Of course they were going to ask. It was almost as if they enjoyed hearing about his office misadventures. He wondered whether they were actually documenting his experiences and putting them online somewhere, on some bizarre website...
"Obviously."
The next day at the office was a subdued one. Everyone seemed deep in thought about what they were going to buy, and no-one seemed too happy about it. Particularly Thorin, who was sat at his desk glowering at the scrap of paper on which the name of the person he was to buy something for was written. On his way back to his desk after getting some lunch, Elrond stopped to talk to him.
"I take it you're not happy with your person to buy for?"
"Not happy? Not happy. No, I'm not. I have to buy something for-"
"You're not supposed to tell people!"
To be honest though, he hadn't expected anything to actually stay secret. It was only a half-hearted protest anyway.
"I don't even know what to buy! You know him better than I do!"
"...Who have you got?"
Thorin raised an innocent eyebrow at him.
"I thought you didn't want to know."
"I'll swap with you."
The eyebrow was lowered into a suspicious frown.
"Who've you got?"
"Swap?"
"...Fine."
The suspicion quickly dissipated into relief when Elrond handed him a piece of paper with Tauriel's name written on it. Their secretary was laid back and easy to talk to, as long as you were following work regulations and weren't trying to ask her to repeat when the next meeting was, or when you had to call that client back.
"Okay. I think I can manage that. She likes games, doesn't she? Uncharted?"
Elrond had no idea, but nodded anyway.
"I think so."
"I'll ask Fili and Kili. They like that sort of thing."
"Meanwhile I have to think about what to buy for Thranduil..."
Thorin snorted.
"Good luck."
Elrond headed back to his desk in thoughtful silence.
As promised, after getting home and settling down with some tea Elrond got out his phone to update his sons, who would probably be taking a break from causing havoc on their university campus at around this time of day. As it turned out, they had all ready texted him. It looked like they were serious about wanting to be kept informed.
"Did you do the draw today?"
"Yes."
He didn't really see the need for more than a one word response.
"Who'd you get?"
"Tauriel. Until I swapped with Thorin because he was complaining about who he got."
After all the years he had spent describing his unusual co-workers, he didn't need to explain who anyone was.
"Who do you have now then?"
"Luckily for me, I now have to buy something for Thranduil."
"That's very lucky. I'd love to know who he has..."
He rolled his eyes at the not-so-subtle question.
"I'm not finding out. That's not how this is supposed to work."
"Aw."
"Don't you have an essay due?"
"Don't you have a gift to think about?"
Feeling as though the conversation had come to an end, he picked up the book he was working his way through for the umpteenth time. And then put it back down again as Arwen walked in. As a single father, he had grown used to being interrupted whenever he started doing anything he wanted to do, being the only adult in the house. Interestingly enough, the frequency of these interruptions had decreased since the twins had left for university, as his daughter actually had a hobby that didn't involve pestering everyone. Once she had made her hot chocolate, she sat opposite him at the kitchen table. He had explained the situation to her at lunch via text, as Thranduil had seemed too grumpy to maintain a decent conversation.
"How long did you say you had to think about this again?"
"Not long."
"Do you at least know what sort of thing you're going to look for?"
"No."
She dropped her eyes down to stare at her drink.
"Perhaps you could ask Dan and Ro to text Legolas about it? If they still keep in touch, that is."
"Somehow I don't think that would be very useful. It would rather undermine the whole idea of buying something with one's own intuition."
"Then I would suggest starting by thinking about the sort of thing he'd like; something useful, amusing, edible or otherwise. You've surely known him long enough to know that."
"One would think so," he murmured, "but it's still difficult."
He thought about things that his friend would find useful, but then realised that Thranduil would more than likely have all ready bought anything he would need. He turned his mind to what sort of gifts would be considered 'amusing', but remembered that 'amusing' to anyone else could easily translate to 'insulting' for Thranduil. He then thought about what sort of food or drink would be suitable, but in his mind food often looked like the gift that was given in the absence of any other ideas. One couldn't often go wrong giving someone a good bottle of wine, or some expensive exotic snacks, but that was better suited to people you didn't know very well as it was quite an impersonal thing to give. That left the 'otherwise' category. What was otherwise supposed to mean anyway?
Arwen had noticed his furrowed brows, and came to the correct conclusion that he still had no ideas.
"Why not think about what he likes to do, and things that relate to that?"
He mumbled something.
"What was that?"
"I said I'm not actually sure what he likes to do."
"How long have you known him now?"
"...A while..."
She gave him the look - his look, actually. The one he reserved for people who had done something rather stupid and who should have known better. She then took a sip of her drink, got up and went back upstairs, probably to start a skype call with her friends. He didn't tell her about the chocolate moustache she'd given herself. He picked up his book again and took a sip of his own drink, which had by now reached the stage at which it was more cold than hot. Grimacing, he poured it down the sink and poured himself a glass of wine instead.
Author's Notes:
-The idea of Elrond being a long-suffering single parent just amuses me so much. Not getting a single moment of peace!
-The things Elrond thinks about buying for Thranduil actually stem from my own thoughts about secret Santa, in that it can be very hard to buy people things that look like you've thought about it, but not too hard.
-I'm not being sexist by making the only woman in the office the secretary, I just genuinely think that she'd want to know exactly what's happening, when and where.
-I also think Gandalf would definitely mess with his employees on special occasions. And the rest of the time as well.