Rated T because I'm paranoid. Better safe than sorry! If you're uncomfortable with innuendo, you might wanna pass on this one.
A/N: Quick one-shot revealing the fulfilling life of one of Brittana's most hated enemies. I got this idea in physics class the other day. I have no idea why, please don't ask.
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee! (If I did, this story in particular would be canon.)
She finds out after getting out of the shower in the morning.
Puck's being calling her nonstop since 4:00am, but Santana chose to ignore his incessant calls, knowing she'd be in a bad mood (or worse than usual) the entire day if she didn't get her full 10 hours.
She decides to just humor him, though. She knows him well enough; he'll keep calling until she answers.
"What, Puckerman? You know I don't like being woken up unless you're a hot blonde or two adorable mixed-race children. What the fuck could be so important that—"
"Hudson made a porno."
"—you'd have to…" Santana blinks. "What?"
"Berry texted me. Said she was so fucking glad she dodged that bullet and sent me a link."
"What? He… Huh?"
"Porn. He starred in a porn movie. You know, where people get it on in front of a camera and—"
"I know what porn is, dumbass." Santana shakes her head. "But Hudson? Finn Hudson? Glee Club's self-appointed knight in shining armor?"
"Mhmm, that guy. Ex-best friend with the entitlement issues. Totally just made a porno. According to Rachel it's pretty recent."
"That's nasty. How does she even know? She just stumbled upon a porn movie of her ex-boyfriend?"
"I think Hudson sent her the video himself. Thinking it'd win her back, you know?"
"What?" Santana scrunches her face in disgust. "How would that win her back?"
"I have no idea. I guess in his world that's supposed to be romantic."
"The fuck? How would anyone find that appealing? Porn's too much, way too much."
"Uh huh. And it wasn't even the classy type either. That was some raunchy shit right there."
"You… You watched it?"
"No!" Puck huffs, offended. "Of course I didn't… Not really. I skimmed the first couple minutes. You know, where they're going through some cliché lines and setting up the scene?"
"Yeah, yeah. So what... You saw him?"
"Yep. Same overgrown sack of failure. That was Finn, alright. In all his awkward glory."
"Ew." Santana's lips curl.
"Yeah… He uh, grew a moustache. And gained a couple pounds… And apparently got a tattoo of a pair of tits on his arm. There's no body attached to them, just the boobs. It made me uncomfortable." Puck pauses, and Santana can only assume he's as stunned as she is. "Dude's not looking too good."
"No shit…" Santana vomits a little bit in her mouth. "I'm getting sick just thinking about it."
"It was… awful. Secondhand embarrassment all over the place."
"What was it?"
"Huh?"
"The video. What was it? What was the kink?"
"I was hoping you wouldn't ask that."
"Come on, Puckerman, spill. It can't be worse than it already is."
She hears Puck hesitate on the other end of the line, before he takes a deep breath and finally responds. "Female domination… Bondange."
Okay, maybe it can be worse.
"Wow… That's…" Santana stares blankly at the wall in front of her, eyes wide. "Bad. That's gross. Fucking nasty as hell. Fifty shades of shit, bad."
"It wasn't a very hot dominatrix either. Acquired taste, if you know what I mean."
"Yep, got you. No need to elaborate further, thanks."
"I really can't believe I used to hang out with that guy." Puck mumbles after a few seconds of heavy silence.
"Shit…" Santana buries her face in her free hand, ashamed. "I really can't believe I ever slept with that guy."
"Ooooh," Puck breathes out mockingly. "Totally forgot about that. How's it feel to know you slept with a pornstar?"
"Shut your mouth, asshole!" She swallows deeply and pulls at her clothes, horrified. "I can feel the VD's already infecting me by association."
"Ha, those'll get you." Puck's deep chuckles irk her more than she would like. "I used to sleep with this one girl a couple months ago. Remember the redhead? Great set of tits, not too bright. Don't remember her name, though. Anyways, she was a freak in the sack, but she had this thing down there that—"
"Bye, Fuckerman."
She quickly hangs up on Puck and throws her phone on the bed behind her, looking ahead at the bathroom door. She's gonna need a couple showers to wash the sudden layer whale stench coating her body.
Regrettable teenage decisions, indeed.
Her wife doesn't have the reaction she expected. In fact, it may be the complete opposite of what she expected.
"He did what!?" Brittany's over-the-top laughter fills the room and Santana looks around warily, she wouldn't want her kids to walk in and think their mother has gone completely insane. "Oh my god, Santana. Please tell me you're kidding!"
Santana shrugs and spins an orange on the counter in front of her. "I wish I was, Britt. Puck saw it; the safe parts of it, at least. He confirmed it."
The news only makes Brittany laugh even louder. The tall woman clutches her stomach as tears form in her eyes and her face scrunches up. If Santana didn't know any better, she'd think her wife was having a heart attack or something.
"He made a porno?" Brittany slumps over in her chair as her body shakes with amusement. "Who would want to see that?"
Santana doesn't respond, knowing her wife's rhetorical questioning are only fueling the situation. She smiles, though. Seeing Brittany laugh always makes her smile. At least Finn's horrifying adult-video career is good for something.
"And with a dominatrix, too! That's so wrong!" Brittany snorts loudly and coughs to clear her throat. "And you said he sent it to Rachel?"
"Yep, Berry's the one who told Puck about it."
Brittany wipes the tears in her eyes with her sleeve as she takes a moment to calm her erratic breathing. "This might be the only time I ever feel sorry for Rachel in a compassionate sort of way, instead of my usual extreme pity-borderline-hatred kind of way. Holy sprinkles, that's nasty."
"That's what I kept saying. I get sick just thinking about it." Santana frowns. "With his jiggly man-boobs and severe lack of coordination, the porn industry must be getting desperate."
This causes Brittany to once again burst out laughing, throwing her head back and reaching forward to tap Santana's hand. "Oh god, Santana. We have to get it, rent it, something!"
That grabs Santana's attention. "What?" She yells, horrified. "You want to watch it?"
"Nooo!" Brittany sends her revolted look, immediately ceasing her laughter. "Ew, no! I just meant so we could crop out some safe, totally non-naked scenes and send them to all his friends and family."
"What? Why?"
"What do you mean, why?" Brittany tilts her head, puzzled. "Revenge, duh."
"For what?" Then she remembers. Of course her wife would remember that. "Britt, it's been years. I'm over it."
Brittany purses her lips. "You might be, but I'm not." She clicks her tongue and reaches for a hand towel. "All I know is that he made you cry, and whoever makes you cry answers to me. Personally."
Santana stares at her wife with lidded eyes. Vengeful Brittany is kinda hot.
"You really think we should do that?"
"Baby, it's been over ten years. He's had it coming for a long time." Brittany smirks at her. "Time to show the world who Finn Hudson really is. He exposed you, so now let's expose him…" She frowns. "Okay, let's not do that. Actually, he technically already did that to himself, so… We'd just be exposing his exposure?" Brittany huffs. "You know what I mean."
"That's…" Santana looks up at her wife with an adoring expression, tears forming in her eyes. "That's genius, babe. Fucking hell, you're a genius."
Brittany winks and pecks Santana's cheek. "Of course I am, honeybun. Now let's go google 'pyramid nipples' and see if we can find him."
Santana watches on with a proud smile as Brittany expertly crops and edits a screenshot from Finn's awful video.
Doesn't know how to turn on a computer, she had said. Sneaky girl.
"This one might be the worst one yet. I can't tell if he's trying to look turned on or is actually just constipated."
Santana laughs and turns to look at the screen. "That's so gross. I think he might've shit his pants or something."
"Oh, is this one of those videos, too?"
"No, I don't know." She shakes her head and frowns. "Actually, judging from his face, I'm not too sure. Puck didn't watch it all, and I'm pretty sure Berry wouldn't have either." Her eyes widen in horror. "Well fuck, it could be."
"Eww," Brittany whines as she quickly saves the picture and closes the window. "Okay, enough of that for today. We'll finish later, I think I even lost my appetite."
"Yeah…" Santana swallows thickly. "Me too. I don't think I'm gonna be able to get that idea out of my head for a while."
"Oh," Brittany asks, looking at her with a curious expression. "Really? I could help you with that."
"What? How?"
Brittany flashes her a coy grin and starts to lean in slowly. "You know, by making our own movie? Totally gets Flabby out of your mind and develops another kind of hunger."
Santana smirks, catching on. She bites her bottom lip as she feels Brittany's hand playing with her bra strap. "You mean, you wanna add to our collection?"
Brittany chuckles. "I could get that camera set up in five minutes."
"You're on."
Four and a half minutes later, the two women are already in bed. Handcuffs have been fastened and a bright orange hard hat sits proudly on Brittany's head.
"So, you said you had a problem with the plumbing, ma'am? Let me see what I can do…"
Forty-five minutes later and Finn's awful monstrosity of a porno is put to shame in the simple bedroom of the Pierce-Lopez household.
A/N: Thanks for reading! I hope the idea of Finn in a porno didn't scar you for life!