Not a Saint EDIT
When Kevin first answered the phone, he thought everything was going to be all right.
He sounded so happy to hear from him, that Jason's insides squirmed with guilt. He felt guilty that he hadn't been in touch, but Kevin seemed to understand. He wasn't shouting obscenities, like he had expected
so perhaps this was going to be ok after all. His heart was elated with joy. It wouldn't be long before he was home again and could make it up to him. He had put off phoning Kevin for as long as possible. It was
always the same when he was away from home; as home sick as he already was, hearing the voice of the people he loved the most, made him feel even worse. But Kevin's joy, at just hearing from him…well it made
him realise just how completely stupid he had been.
The next words Kevin uttered though brought him crashing back down to earth, "I need to talk to you." When was that phrase ever a good thing?
His ears were ringing.
His heart was pounding.
Kevin didn't sound happy anymore. He sounded –
guilty?
His heart sank. He knew what was coming before Kevin had even finished speaking. He only half listened to what Kevin was telling him- something about an ex boyfriend? Scotty? Being lonely? The names and the specifics meant nothing to him. It was the bigger picture that was going to cause him trouble.
He thought this might happen eventually, knew deep
down that Kevin wouldn't be able to cope with a long
distance relationship, he was surprised they had
lasted this long.
"Jason? Are you still there?"
"Yeah, I'm here, sorry really bad signal."
Jason despised himself for the lie. The signal wasn't that great, but for once, he could hear the other person crystal clear. After all he had put Kevin through he should have the decency to listen to him. He was telling him the truth, not making up some elaborate lie, or pretending there was no one else waiting in the shadows.
Kevin seemed to lose control at this point. Again, he didn't catch all of what he said, but this wasn't through want of trying.
He caught the odd word or phrase: excuses, hard for
me, Robert, priorities.
It was now as Kevin read him the riot act that he realised the full extent of what his neglect had done. He hadn't considered how Kevin might be feeling not hearing from him. Now it seemed he was jealous – of
Robert of all people!
He was angry but instead of directing his anger at Kevin, who seemed to have finally run out of steam judging from the icy silence coming down the phone, he turned it inwards. This was his own fault, and he knew it.
He could have retaliated to Kevin's arguments. Did he know it wasn't easy trying to get in touch? He had tried, half-heartedly, but still he'd tried, and it was luck that he had gotten through to Robert in the
first place. It wasn't easy being in a country with a culture he barely understood, a language he barley spoke except for hello, please and thank you. It wasn't easy being completely alone, knowing the people
you loved where surrounded by people who loved them.
He didn't shout, or swear or even try to condone his actions. He told Kevin, politely, stiffly and formally, that he understood, that he was very sorry for the way he had treated Kevin and hoped he was very happy with Scotty.
He sounded ridiculous to his own ears. This wasn't the way you spoke to someone whose bed you had shared until recently.
And they had shared more than that. They hadn't been together very long before he had left but they had been happy, barley separable. When a Walker family meeting was called, Jason went with Kevin. Kevin gave
up his lie-in on Sundays to go watch Jason deliver his services. He had even gone to see Wicked three times because he knew it made Kevin happy. He was never going to be able to see 'The Wizard of Oz' again without being reminded of him.
It was, he had decided, fate. Both their family's had more than a few screws loose and an astonishing joy of drinking. They had even overcome the first date from hell. If they could get over that and still be happy
together, surely there was a higher power at work. Perhaps God was rewarding him for never giving up. Now it seemed he was being punished for taking for granted the gift he had received.
Kevin signed off telling Jason to keep in touch. Laughing as he said it, trying to break the tension, knowing it wasn't going to work. Jason wanted to say 'I love you' at the end, but held himself in check. This wasn't his privilege anymore. That honour belonged to someone else.
Turning on his phone the night before, he had been surprised to see he had a message from Robert. He had only spoken to him a few hours ago, after all. All it said was, "Call Kevin, he misses you." Exhausted he had vowed to bite the bullet first thing in the morning. If he had called Kevin then he wouldn't have slept for hours. It had taken nearly a month to change his sleeping habits, to get used to sleeping on his own again, not having Kevin lying right beside him.
Besides, what difference would a few more hours make?
He didn't expect those eight hours to destroy his relationship. If only he had called straight away, Kevin may not have slept with Scotty. If only he had called home weeks ago, chances were he wouldn't be in this mess.
Blinking back the tears from his eyes, he turned back towards the now nearly completed school. He felt sick, weak and emotionally drained. Yet he had a job to do, now was not the time to wallow in self-pity. He could do that later.
Away from prying eyes, he could contemplate that his own selfishness had caused him to lose the one person he loved almost as much as his religion.