Hi guys I'm new to this fandom so it's been a stretch to get out of my confort zone; which is the fabulous Missing fandom by the way, so I decided to start off with a monologue and I intend to post a possibly lengthy fic in the near future. Enjoy.
- Unbridled.Mind
Baby can I hold you (monologue)
I, Angela Chase, stand here with my arm linked with the one I married. Not the One, the one I married. He asks if I want something to drink, I think Tequila but I say, "Whatever they've got," and as though I snapped my fingers or a wand whirled at the turn of my wrist he gives it to me; the glass of wine I can't hold because of the tremors that are now the rhythm my heart beats to. I remember you as you were, that's who I see; the unchanged vision that invaded my dreams and possessed my mind; the bad habit I was told it was best to shake, the One I felt behind. I left the One behind and even now to say it sounds as oxymoronic as it did back then and it probably will the next time we all gather like this. My arm is now limp, he longer props it up; instead he locks my fingers between his in a half-possessive, half-intimidated way. I look down to his ring and up to his eyes. He wants validation right now, I half-smile to non-verbally say; "I'm with you." Maybe it's a lie; I don't know if I always have been or never was with him and he senses that because;
It's been ten years and all you have to do is look at me and I don't know who I am or why I'm here or how I came to be who I am…here.
I affectionately ruffle his hair, trying to translate a gesture best suited to a child or a dog to a man, and not just any man, my husband. So I turn my back to you to display fidelity and undivided attention, he makes a joke and I laugh though I'm unaware of the punch line. I can see in his eyes, how he wants to kiss me in a way he never could in high school; he wants to make the gym floor you used to tread on our stage and throw down the gauntlet for once and for all, to challenge you so you have to admit defeat, concede and acknowledge him as the winner. In reality you don't notice him, girls who are now grown women, who never had a shot back then, walk in circles and semi-circles; across and around the room for your entertainment, to prove that they've got "it", albeit ten or more years too late; but you don't see them. You're in that daze that frustrated me to high heavens but still intrigued me because I wanted to be the one you fixated on unconsciously and for you to feel how I felt. That melting feeling where organs turn to liquid and my stomach turns more spins than a washing machine is unforgettable and if I try to imagine it hard enough I can almost feel it now because;
It's been ten years and all you have to do is look at me and I'm like putty in your hands.
You blamed dyslexia. It was your excuse. I can't believe I thought that but then again I can't take it back because you ruined any opportunity to tell me what I needed to hear. You even manipulated the elements; you blew my dreams of us away, you torched my innocence and made me an unbeliever, you drowned my justification for loving you and you buried your heart so deeply when I couldn't get through, I mimicked you. All because you couldn't say it, you couldn't say what I needed to make it all better and even though my ears never heard those words from you;
It's been ten years and all you have to do is look at me and I'm a goner.
I should know better than to wear these shoes. I have never mastered the art of the four-inch stiletto but I donned them tonight, so I could see you and show you I've changed. People I haven't seen in years talk to me. Sharon hugs me emphatically and compliments them but I don't have her answers to where the store is, or what other colours they come in or how Brian and I are doing. So I answer the last question with a convincing, "Fine." Then I ask her twenty questions and try to listen until Rayanne interrupts us with Rickie in tow. We reminisce and I genuinely laugh for the first time this evening because I'm being true to myself, or my true self, or whatever it is; and I'm lost in this moment where I feel warm and these people know me or who I am until you approach me. The girls gesture towards you but I pretend I don't know, as though I'm building the momentum to a surprise that I already know the contents of. You say my name and I feel something descend over me that I can't control, and my legs start unnoticeably shaking because;
It's been ten years and all you have to do is look at me and my feet lay motionless, disobedient of my will to move.
The girls back away but they're more sophisticated at avoiding these situations now; but I'm not. You talk to me and I become a sophomore whose bouts of worship and infatuation are coming on thick and fast like a fever in a tropical country but there's no idyllic place to hide. So I'm defensive of my life, as privileged as it is I shouldn't be, and I'm loyal to Brian because I do love him, but he's not you which is a fact that becomes more obvious as we stand here together. You don't know that I took a Psychology minor just so I could decode you but I can't remember a thing now you're here. Except a study where people were asked; if a partner had all the qualities you wanted but you didn't love them, would you marry them anyway? I did. You don't know that either but it doesn't really matter, then again it really does, because;
It's been ten years and all you have to do is look at me and I'm…yours.