Disclaimer: I DO NOT own The Hunger Games..
I've reformatted and corrected anything strange in this chapter.
This song at the beginning is mine, I make all of them...
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I scream,
I cry,
I sweat,
I shake.
I'm haunted time and time again
In my sleep, in my wake.
I thrash,
I glance,
I comfort,
I fret,
But nothing can save me from this life with a debt.
Chapter One: Blue Eyes See What Others Do Not
I awake with a start, breathing heavily, still in the grasps of the night terror. Sweat plasters stray hairs to the back of my neck, and I try to recall what this one had been about, and absent mindedly run my hand through my hair, wincing as my hand reaches a spot matted with dry blood. Then it all comes back to me.
He was drunk again, rambling on about how useless I was- as always. "Why can't you do anything right? I go out and work my ass off so that you and your sister have food on the table, and what do you do? You arrive home ten minutes late! You can't expect me to do EVERYTHING," I almost snort aloud. If getting drunk at a bar means 'working his ass off', then I'm sure he's a very hard worker. He stops, noticing for the first time that I have my game bag around my shoulder, and that I haven't shown him its contents yet. This earns me a slap on the cheek. Upon seeing that I had only managed to shoot two squirrels, he goes berserk.
Striding across the room, he grasps the broom in the corner of the kitchen and marches back to me before he brings it down onto the right side of my face with a sickening cracking sound. Not willing to give him any more satisfaction than he already gets, I stifle a scream and will the tears not to come, putting a emotionless mask onto my face to stop my fear and hatred show. This, or course, angers him more, and he brings it down once again, but with the handle stabbing into my stomach. This blow causes the air to escape my lips without my permission, and I double over holding my now aching abdomen. Satisfied with my pain, he grabs my braid forcefully to bring me to eye level with him, lifting me so high my feet no longer reach the ground. A surprised yelp passes my lips and a single tear slips out of my eye, causing me to mentally curse myself for showing emotion. Noticing that he is trying to find fear in my eyes, I quickly steel my gaze to keep it from seeping through.
His face pinches together in fury."You stubborn brat. You're nothing, never will be anything. Ever. This is your fault, you know. Everything is your fault. If you hadn't forgotten your lunch that one day, your mother would be alive. She- she would be ashamed of you. I know that she approves of my hatred of you, who wouldn't? She'd be alive right now if you'd just thought about it!" he tells me. This gets to me, though. Everything else he has ever said to me, done to me, I could take it with little more than a few tears on my cheeks. But this is different. He's never brought my mother up before, and it's not like I've never thought about her death like that, but hearing him come to the same conclusion crushes me, because it must be true if I'm not the only one who's blamed myself for it. I suppose it just makes it seem so much more real. If I had remembered my lunch that day, then she would have never tried to drive home for it. It was on her way back that the mine sirens started going off. My father made it out before almost everybody, having been closest to the entrance, but my mother hadn't known that. In passing, she panicked, thinking her beloved husband was still trapped in those dark mines. She raced in, unknowing to the fact that he was standing outside explaining the problem to the peacekeepers. It was when she had gone in that he'd caught sight of her beautiful blonde hair whipping behind her as she called his name. By the time he had neared the entrance, screaming her name, that the mines collapsed completely, taking the life of my loving mother. If I had just remembered to look over my shoulder when going out the door, if I had-
"Katniss?" A voice draws me away from my dark thoughts.
Looking at my side, I see my little sister, Prim, looking at me with tears filling her bright blue eyes. She knows about my constant nightmares that plague my sleep, thanks to my thrashing about. My sweet, innocent Prim. I know that she has nightmares as well, from time to time, and I know all too well that I am their main subjects.
"Prim? Are you alright?" I ask with concern evident in my voice. I pull her to me, crushing her in a comforting hug. Prim's pain will always be enough- more than enough- to bring me to my knees.
"Yeah, I woke up, and I suppose I just had to make sure that you're okay.." she croaks out wiping tears from her normally lively eyes. I instantly understand that she had a nightmare as well- though they're less common for her.
While stroking her blonde hair mussed from sleep, I whisper reassuring words to calm her, and once her breathing evens back out, I lay back next to her and stare at our ceiling, thinking.
I'm aware of what she means by her words. Another one of her nightmares has come back to haunt her tonight. I'm also aware that they are almost always about me getting beaten or killed by father, and the twisted truth is that the beatings do happen. To me, anyways; though I prefer that much more than Prim getting hurt- that would be unbearable.
Looking outside, I see that it's still dark out.
Seeing that I won't be able to get more than three hours of sleep tonight, I slip out of bed as quietly as I can so as not to disturb father or Prim. I quietly get dressed and slip out the door with the silent footsteps of a huntress, and stumble over to the fence. I pause, waiting signs of electricity going through it- even though it hasn't been on in ages. I don't admit to myself that the pause was due to the trees that seem to swirl around me.
Pleased with the results, I slip underneath its weak area and into the woods, feeling at ease for once. Retrieving my bow and arrows out of their log, I think to myself that maybe, just maybe, today I'll be able to bring something satisfactory to my twisted father's standards.
I arrive back at our small Seam house in time to get ready before school. Although I've been feeling rather dizzy this morning, I'm quite proud of my haul today, for once. I brought back with me three rabbits, two squirrels, and a wild turkey. My stomach churns painfully at the thought of food. I may actually be able to trade some of my meat at the Hob later on, to get Prim a new dress for school.
The thought of Prim's sweet face lit up with happiness and surprise spur me onwards. Prim has blonde hair and gorgeous blue eyes, qualities that most certainly do not fit in to Seam crowds. This is a trait she received from my mother, as she was from the Town before marrying my father.
I, on the other hand, fall into the Seam characteristics with my grey eyes and raven black hair, which I acquired from my father. This is also the reason I think he beats me. Prim reminds him too much of my mother, practically being a miniature Lily Everdeen, and he could never hurt his love. This is more than okay with me, because if Prim was beaten as well, I would have already broken a long time ago. Prim is so loving and cheerful all the time, and makes friends with anybody she meets, being her sweet twelve year old self. I, on the other hand, am the opposite. I am quiet, but stubborn. Making friends used to come easily to me, but the burdens of life have worn my former soft exterior into a rigid, guarded wall. With my looks, I remind him of himself, which I suspect he hates because of the fact that he wasn't able to save my mother in time.
My father used to be a very nice man, always positive and loving. When he sang, even the birds would stop to listen to his beautiful voice. It was his luxurious voice that won my mother over. But after my mother's death, his loving personality turned sour, and his beautiful voice washed away with years of alcohol and replaced with a hateful growl that was always directed only towards me.
I used to think that this was what love did to you. That it broke somebody irreversibly.
Now love is the only thing I can hold onto; loving Prim is the only thing that keeps me living. I realize that this is not the same type of love, that loving your sister is not the same as the way a husband loves his wife, but I cannot think to have hope for anything else.
This broken, sick, depressing piece of who was once my father is just that: a piece of him. Before my mother died when I was eleven, love was what had made him a wonderful man. He was the father every kid would be envious of not having, and we couldn't be glad enough of receiving. He was the man that caught the hearts of so many women. The man that got along with everybody, even some of the snobbish townies who stuck their noses up at the rest of the Seam residents.
Snapping out of my reverie, I start to cut and clean my kills before he gets over his hangover and ignore the painful twists my stomach is making due to my hunger. About halfway through, I have to stop for a minute so that I can actually focus on the knife so that I don't accidentally cut myself with it. A wave of exasperation washes over me and I sway a little, but start to cut and clean the meat again.
When I'm done with cleaning my game, I start getting ready for school with trembling hands. A headache starts to come in, and I sit on the edge of the bed with my head in my hands for a second.
I look over at my closet. My clothes are clean, but not exactly what girls at school would call stylish. I only own one dress, and it was my mother's favorite blue velvet dress, one of her possessions from before she moved to the Seam from Town. I look in, and settle for a shirt that I've had to patch up more than once.
Once done dressing myself, I choose Prim's outfit for school, picking out a pretty, light pink dress for her to dress in once she wakes up. While I may not have much money, whatever money I do get, I spend every penny of it for Prim. I want her to live a comfortable life at school and at home. I want to shelter her as much as I can. I have been known to fight with more than one bully that's made fun of her, so they now know not to mess with Katniss Everdeen's little sister.
I wobble over to the corner of our small room, looking into the broken mirror that stands in it, I see my face for the first time since last night and silence a gasp about to come out. Now that it's actually light outside, I can see how bad of condition I am. My cheeks are hollow from hunger, bruised from my father. I look at the bags that surround my eyes, and can't help but think, A skeleton. That's all I am now.
Prim wakes upon hearing my startled gasp, and sees my face for the first time this morning, and lets out a small squeak of horror.
Holding both hands to her face, she slides her legs over the edge of the bed, and I can see silent tears streaming down her face. I know she feels bad, because she wants to protect me from this happening. She wants to, but I know it will never happen. We love each other to no extent, but I also know that she still sees our father as the man he was before, because of his still loving personality towards Prim.
It's just me that he hates.
I don't mind it terribly that she won't stand up for me, because it would most likely result in more beatings or possibly him getting angry at her. I'm, in a way, happy that she still has him, even if he is drunk or hungover most of the time.
"Oh my gosh, Katniss... When was the last time you've eaten?" she asks, her voice strained.
"I'm- I'm fine, Prim. I don't really remember right now, but I know it couldn't have been too long ago. I'll be- I'll be fine. Plus you know dad doesn't give me much food, so it wouldn't matter anyways. I'll be fine, and no matter what, you're still getting part of my lunch. So noth... nothing to worry about." I try to reassure her, but my words are slurring slightly because of my dizziness and panic.
To be honest, I know exactly how long it's been since I've had even a portion of a healthy meal- which was maybe a little over two weeks ago. I'm still able to walk, though, and I've been eating small portions other than last night. The slurring is just from my bruised cheek, I tell myself. Possibly a small concussion, but nothing too serious.
I'm not stupid, I know what it looks like for people to die from hunger, but... I can eat something later on, I need Prim to keep her strength.
"Katniss," Prim whines quietly, "you're slurring your words. You may have a concussion, by your condition, I wouldn't be surprised. Please just stay home today? Are you dizzy, nauseous, anything?" she asks with eyes showing desperation. She knows that I can't say no to those eyes, but when it comes down to going to school or staying in this hell hole, I'd chose school any day.
"Prim, you kn..know why I won't do that. A whole day alone with dad? I don't very much like that idea. I'm going to school," I say with the conviction in my voice so as not to leave room for further argument. I even managed to control the slurring to a minimum.
"But Katniss-"
"But nothing, Prim. I'm sorry, but I'm fine." I try to convince her by keeping my voice even.
She just sighs and consents. "Fine, but Katniss, I'm really worried..." she says with a frown.
"Don't worry little duck," I say trying to lighten the mood,"I've outsmarted a bear before. I can outsmart a teacher and... and be fine!"
Her lips don't quirk up and grabs her supplies. With that, I'm walking next to her to school. I stumble more than once, and she shoots me concerned looks, but ventures on.
The first portion of school goes without too much trouble. I get worried looks as I approach the school, so I just duck my head as I pass people with curious and pitiful faces. I was only called on once or twice in my classes, and managed to get out a tired-sounding response with only a few stumbling of words.
The hallways mind as well have been labyrinths, with hurdles and turns that I stumbled through multiple times, each time causing more and more people to notice the bruised, hollowed out girl stumbling throughout the hallway like a drunkard. Great.
At lunch, I sit with Madge, my only friend in my grade. When Madge sees my face and my stumbling body, she looks horrified, but quickly changes it to a look of uttermost concern.
"Katniss! What's happened to you?" she screeches, and runs her hand over my face. She takes in my swollen eye, blue and green cheek, and most likely the multiple scratches covering it. The scratches that came from the broom when it gave out after multiple hits and showered splinters across it.
"I.. um.. hit.. hit it when I was.. was.." for goodness sake, I couldn't even form a proper sentence because of my searing headache and dizziness.
"Katniss, you need to go to the nurse, or at least go home!" She exclaims, pure shock crossing her face.
"No... no.. I'm fi..fine, Madge." I say tiredly.
Concern suddenly flashes on her face with ferocity. She must have heard the stumble. No duh, she heard it! You can't get a measly sentence out without tripping over your words!
I stand up shakily and attempt to grab my things. I drop my schoolbag once, then twice, and look around to make sure nobody caught it. Grazing over the crowd, I conclude that nobody's taken notice to me, but catch a pair of blue eyes watching me with concern. I see Madge look at me with concern, and I steel my expression, embarrassed that I'd allowed myself appear weak. I turn my attention back to the boy. What was his name? My head feels foggy right now. After a minute, my brains slowly registers the owner of those eyes. Peeta Mellark.
Dropping my gaze, my cheeks heating, I attempt to pick it up once more and succeed, the weight throwing my weak body off a bit, and I fall on my back. Blackness starts to cloud my vision, but before I close my eyes, I see someone jump out of their seat and rush to me. I hear a man's voice call my name, and for a second, foolishly think to myself that it sounds nice. Almost like home. Just as I close my eyes, surrendering to the wonderful feeling of darkness, my eyes lock onto a pair of blue eyes. The emotional, magnificent, indescribably blue eyes, once again.
Note: So, this is my newly edited version, I'm going t go through the chapters and edit out things I don't really like, and edit in things I think will help the story's plot. I'm not puttin previews after these revised chapters, seeing as the next ones are technically already uploaded.
Leave reviews on this newly revised chapter, or a review if this is your first time reading this so far...
Love you guys as always!
~Burritoyum
