Notes: Hi! This is my first attempt, so any comments/reviews (good or bad) are very much appreciated. Thanks for reading! "The Heart of Life" is by John Mayer.
Disclaimer: I don't own ER, Ray, Neela, or John Mayer and his songs.
Neela heard the unbearable sound of the alarm clock and calmly got out of bed. Normally when she heard the alarm, she would let out a groan so loud that just about everyone in her region of the apartment complex knew she was awake. No matter how hard Neela tried, she could never get used to getting up at 5 in the morning—she would stumble, yawn, and maybe knock herself against the wall if she wasn't looking where she was going (which was usually the case). The shrill beeping didn't bother her as much as usual today, though—she had been awake most of the night anyway.
I wonder if anyone remembers what today is, Neela thought as she stepped off the El and began walking toward the hospital. She didn't expect them to, and frankly, she sort of hoped they wouldn't. It would be hard enough to get through the day without her friends giving her looks of pity every other second. Neela fingered the ring hanging on a chain around her neck—it had been one year ago today that she and Michael had exchanged vows. As thoughts of him permeated her soul, Neela felt as if she could feel her heart become heavier. Tears began to form in her eyes but she quickly stopped herself. Only happy moments, Neela—remember the good today, she thought
Neela went about her business as quietly and calmly as she could, not wanting to catch the attention of anyone or seem like anything was out of the ordinary. Luckily, none of the ER staff seemed to look at her or talk to her any differently than normal. She couldn't handle seeing Tony today, and did her best to avoid him whenever she caught the slightest glimpse of his frame. This is going to be a long day, she sighed. Just as Neela finished that thought, her pager went off with the number of the ER blinking in front of her. She rushed down to find a young woman in the trauma room, with Ray, Abby, and Morris franticly working on her.
"Neela, thank God you're here—her legs were trapped under a car, she's lost a lot of blood, and she's beginning to lose consciousness," Abby said automatically.
"Please," the young woman began to rasp suddenly, "please don't let me die, not today! I'm supposed to be married today," and began sobbing quietly while Ray and Morris continued to work on stabilizing her. Neela felt a sharp pain in her chest at the words, and closed her eyes for a brief second in order to regain her composure. Ray slowly lifted his eyes to glance at Neela, and felt an equally sharp pain when he saw the sadness in her eyes. He knew what today was.
Neela did a quick evaluation and knew the young woman would probably need one or both legs amputated. "We need to get her into surgery now or she'll lose much more than her legs," she said in her best doctor voice. In as little as 2 minutes the young woman had been stabilized and was ready to be rolled up to the operating room. "You're going to make a beautiful bride. You hang in there, ok?" Neela said as bravely as she could manage.
The surgery drained the life out of Neela. All she could think about was what the young woman must have been thinking as she was lying there on the gurney, how devastated her fiancée must have been when he heard the news…Michael's face and the way he smiled when he put the ring on her finger…she couldn't seem to stop herself. Neela began to feel sick as the tears soaked through her surgical mask.
"Neela, are you alright? Neela?" Dubenko called out.
"Yes, I'm fine," Neela lied through clenched teeth.
"Neela, why don't you go outside, we can finish up. You'll see plenty of leg amputations in your day."
Feeling reluctant to argue, Neela stepped out of the OR and almost ran up to the rooftop without a look behind her. Taking the steps two at a time, she reached the top, stormed open the door, and slumped down against the side wall of the building. Quiet tears streamed uncontrollably down her face, but all Neela could do was sit with her arms around her legs, chin on her knees, and stare at the creeping darkness forming in the night sky. She was so caught up in her grief that she didn't even hear the familiar footsteps of her former roommate until he was inches away.
I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen
Ray took one look at the tiny form of Neela hunched against the wall, and he knew that no matter what she had said in the past or what she may say now, Neela needed someone to be there for her. He had realized long ago that the feelings he had for Neela were not something he could change or wish away. For the first time in his life, he truly loved someone. Maybe it would be a while before he could properly show her how he felt, but for now, being a friend would have to do.
"Neela?" Ray said in a quiet, gentle voice as he sat down next to her against the wall.
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all got he way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
Surprised, Neela hastily tried to wipe away her tears before she feigned a slight smile in Ray's direction.
"Hey," Neela managed. "You having a rough day, too?"
"As a matter of fact, I think I set a record today for 'Doctor Who's Been Vomited On The Most'—7 times today, and my shift's not even over!" Ray joked.
Neela laughed, feeling sorry that Ray had become a human magnet for vomit. It was a genuine laugh, the first one she'd had all day, and it felt wonderful. She turned to face him with a smile and a look that said "Thanks." Ray's heart skipped a beat at the familiar shine in her eyes.
Ray didn't want to come right out and say that he knew why Neela was so upset today, so he began telling her about his day, what his former band mates were up to in California, and the new dishes he could now cook thanks to his addiction to the Food Network. All Neela could do was look at Ray and listen—his words, his voice, seemed to sooth her more than anything. She wasn't surprised. In fact, she had stopped being surprised at his effect on her a long time ago. It seemed that she could be in the foulest mood of her life, and one word, one smile, from Ray brightened her day instantly. He'd told her that she was the best friend he'd ever had, but Neela knew in her heart that it was the other way around—he was the best friend she'd ever had, ever would have. And this simple idea—that Ray could make her smile when no one else could—had made Neela realize that she truly loved him. One day she would show him just how much she cared about him, one day when she'd sorted out her terrible mess of a life. She wanted to give him all of her soul, not an incomplete and half-broken part of it. He deserved more than that.
Getting over her guilt had been one obstacle Neela had surpassed; recognizing her love for Ray was the result of that. But thinking about Michael made her feel so alone—she felt almost like an abandoned child. Her attraction to Tony had been the consequence of this feeling, something that had only confused her more than consoled her. This has gone on long enough, Neela thought. I need to be alone for a while, and that means telling Tony that I can't see him anymore. Neela knew that letting go of Tony was a step in the right direction—the direction of putting her life in order.
Ray had just finished his sentence about Italian cuisine when he looked over at Neela's still-hunched frame.
"You're going to be okay, Neela. I promise." Ray said so quietly that it sounded almost like a whisper.
"I just…feel so alone all the time, Ray, I mean I could be in a room with 500 other people and still feel like a part of me is missing. Today is one of those days." Neela replied just as quietly.
Ray turned so that he was looking directly into her dark and beautiful eyes.
"Listen to me Neela, you will never be alone—we're all here for you, me, Abby, Pratt, everyone. And besides, you're the strongest person I know. You're going to be okay." Ray stressed the last sentence with a smile.
You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But then, the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining
"And anyway, I'm sure Michael wouldn't have wanted you to spend your one-year anniversary sitting on the rooftop of a hospital," he added cautiously.
Neela looked surprised. "I can't believe you remembered," she said with an amused look on her face.
"It was kind of hard to forget," Ray replied with a slight sadness in his voice. Quickly changing his tone, he stood up to open the door and said, "How long are you going to hide up here? I'd much rather call you for a consult than Crenshaw." Both Ray and Neela slightly cringed at the mention of Crenshaw. "Besides, you're the only one who makes it down to the ER in a reasonable amount of time when we call you."
"I'll be down in a minute," Neela replied. Ray was about to head down the steps when Neela impulsively called out, "Hey, Ray?"
Ray turned around. "Yeah?"
"Thanks for…for everything." And with that Neela gave him the brightest smile he'd seen in a year.
Ray beamed back at her. "Anything for my Roomie."
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all got the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good