Hey guys, here's a new story. But it's not so much a story as a parody of the popular comic series, Scott Pilgrim vs the World. Each chapter of this parody-fanfiction will correspond with the chapters in the comics, so if the chapters have different lengths from time-to-time, that's the reason. You'll find out the characters as the story goes on, but we'll put little notes at the end of each chapter for new characters, and at the top of every new chapter to remind you of the cast list. We will try to update weekly, but we're only human. Thanks~
WARNING: Plot follows very closely to the original comic series. This means some socially awkward Gilbert, the odd genderbending character, guys liking other guys, and mass Canada-whoring. If any of these things offends you, find a more suitable fanfiction. Thanks.
-Age and Ricchan
Gilbert Beildshmidt VS The World
Part One: Gilbert Beildshmidt's Precious Little Life
Chapter One: Dating a High Schooler
"Gilbert Beildshmidt is dating a high schooler!"
Arthur Kirkland looked up from his toast to stare sceptically at the albino, green eyes surprised. "Really? Is she hot?"
"How old are you now, albino bastard, like, twenty-eight?" Asked Lovina mockingly in her usual snippy way, munching absently on a tomato while fixing Gilbert with her normal steely glare.
"I'm not playing your unawesome little games, peons." Gilbert said with an air of smugness, flipping half-burned pancakes over in the frying pan. Arthur and Lovina looked at each other, and the Italian girl snorted.
"So, you've been out of high school for like, thirteen years now and—"
"The awesome me is twenty-three! Twenty-three!" Gilbert burst out, sticking his tongue out at her childishly. Was everyone out to make him feel old today? Seriously!
It seemed so. Arthur smiled, his voice mocking. "And you're dating a high school girl? Not bad…for you, that is."
"Dating a high—what does that even mean?" Lovina snorted, brushing some brown hair out of her amber eyes with an irritated huff.
Hong looked over at the now-seated Gilbert dully, and, in his usual monotone voice, said, "So… Did you guys, like, do it yet?"
Gilbert cut savagely at his pancakes, almost transfixed by them, and muttered, "We ride the bus 'n' stuff. She goes on about what happened in school, you know, the drama."
"Uhh, okay." Snickered Arthur. "Have you even kissed her?"
Gilbert pouted, hesitant to answer. "…We almost held hands once, but she got self-conscious about her lack of awesomeness compared to me so we didn't."
"Well, aren't you pleased?" Said Lovina, then mumbled, "You creepy fucking pedophile." under her breath with no one the wiser. Sneaky Italians… Gilbert ignored the bitter girl altogether.
"What's her name?" Asked Arthur.
Gilbert smiled smugly. "Mei Mei Yao. She's Taiwanese."
"An Asian school girl, pedo-bastard, seriously?" The amber-eyed girl said in disgust.
"Ah, I see. Where'd you meet her?" Asked Hong in interest.
"The bus." Said Gilbert, and proceeded to explain…
"Sir, if you do not stop roughhousing and claiming that you'll conquer everyone's vital regions on this vehicle, we will be forced to remove you."
"Pshaw, you bitches just can't handle my awesomeness! Kesesese!" Cackled Gilbert, almost falling over as the bus went over a speed bump.
"Gah! My books!" Cried an Asian girl across from him, and the albino man watched as the books and papers scattered across the space between them. Sighing, he stooped over to help. The girl was pretty cute, after all. Long brown hair and large eyes. A little flirting wouldn't hurt anything, would it? He flashed her his best charming grin and handed her the books. She flushed a delicate pink. "Oh! Th-thank you…"
Gilbert Beildshmidt
23 years old
Rating: Awesome
"No problem…"
"…And that's how it happened."
"Wow, that was… a really shitty story, wanker."
"That's seriously the end? You're one lame son of a bitch."
"Why you gotta be such a bitch, tomato freak? And shut up, Artie." Gilbert huffed, finishing his pancakes. He pushed himself up, put on his coat, and called out a goodbye to the three accompanied by an ever-so-classy middle finger.
"Before you hear it from someone else: yes, I am dating a high schooler."
The other man looked up from his (tasteful?) porno magazine to his friend. "Is he cute?" He asked with a suggestive eyebrow waggle and suave smile.
Francis Bonnefoy
Gilbert's Roommate
25 years old
Rating: 69/69
"Har-har. You're so queer." Said Gilbert mockingly, drifting into the bathroom.
Francis smirked. "Does this mean we have to stop sleeping together?"
"You see any other bed in here?"
"Point taken. You're forever my bitch, mon ami."
The next day…
Gilbert and Mei Mei paused outside of Arthur's apartment, and he turned to stare at her gravely. "Promise to be good."
"Of-of course I'll be good! Am I usually not good?" Mei Mei said nervously, taking him seriously.
"Seriously, be good." This was way too much fun.
"I'll be good!"
"The bloody hell are you making her say?" Arthur said from the now-open doorway.
"Nothing, Artie. This is Mei Mei Yao. Mei, this is Arthur. He's the talent… Other than the awesome me, of course." Gilbert shifted. "Can we come in now? It's cold as a motherfucker out here."
The Englishman winced at his lack of verbal eloquence, but moved to allow them entrance.
"Wow."
"Yo, Lovina, this is Mei Mei." Gilbert introduced casually, turning to Mei Mei. "Just throw your coat anywhere."
"Hi, sorry, um…?"
Lovina let out a "tch" noise. "Lovina, Lovina Vargas." She said, looking impatient.
"Oh, and you play the drums…?"
Lovina snorted mockingly at the Asian girl, slapping a stick down on the snare for emphasis. "Obviously."
"Awesome." Mei Mei said, obviously picking up a vocabulary from the self-proclaimed King of Awesome himself.
"Oh, hey Mei, this is Young Hong." Said Gilbert in introduction as Hong took a seat beside her.
"Hong Kong." Hong introduced somewhat stoically.
"What do you play?"
"Nothing. I live here."
"…Oh."
There was an awkward stretch of silence.
"Lovina! Count us in!" Ordered Gilbert loudly, breaking the silence.
The Italian sucked in a lungful of air and raised her sticks high in the air. "WE ARE THE LADYKILLERS! ONE TWO THREE FOUR!"
And then it began. Arthur strummed rapid chords on his electric guitar, all but screaming into the microphone the occasional crude lyric in his heavy British accent, Gilbert thrumming low, chaotic chords on the bass, and Lovina in the back beating away at the drums like the angry girl she was. Mei Mei's eyes sparkled in sudden, inexplicable adoration. Leaning forward on the edge of her seat, she sat, unmoving, until the wild song came to an abrupt stop.
"That was way too bloody fast."
"Suck it up, old man." Said Lovina, flipping him the bird.
"She seems… nice." Said Arthur awkwardly, resting his head against the frosted window glass.
"Yeah?"
"I could go for a high school girlfriend."
"It's awesome. I recommend it."
"You're both idiots." Said Lovina simply, turning to Gilbert. "And you in particular, I can't tell if you're actually so dumbly in love or if you're just an incredible asshole."
"A what now—The awesome me is so not! I'm offended, Lovina!"
"Wounded, even?" Arthur smiled wryly.
"Very wounded, Lovina." Said Gilbert with mock-seriousness.
"Yeah, whatever, bastard." She said, chomping on yet another tomato.
Riiinnngggg! Riiinnngg! Riiiinnngg!
Gilbert groaned, slapping his hand down on the alarm clock in an attempt to stop the ringing. Sadly for him, it was not the alarm clock ringing, but the telephone. Searching blindly through complete darkness courtesy of the crappy shades drawn fully in the room, he managed to grab the phone and lift it to his ear, growling an irritated, "What?" from his throat.
"Bruder, did that wake you up? It's already two in the afternoon!" Exclaimed the voice of Gilberts younger sister, Ludwina.
Ludwina Beildshmidt
20 years old
Rating: Urgh
"Urrghhh, nooo… The awesome me has been up for hours, duh, Luddy."
"Yeah right." Said Ludwina, unconvinced, then suddenly blurted, "So what's this gossip about you dating a sixteen-year old, Gilbert? What the hell are you thinking?"
"She's seventeen! And, wait—how the hell do you know about that, anyway?"
"Francis told me."
"That overly-gossipy queerbag!" Gilbert exclaimed indignantly.
"Yeah, I called your apartment last night, you must've been at practice, and me and Francis ended up talking. At any rate, what do you think you're doing, going out with a high-schooler? Do you know what dad would say? Who is she, anyways?"
"Her name's Mei Mei, Mei Mei Yao."
"An Asian girl?"
"Mhm…"
"Oh Jesus, bruder, have you no morals? A seventeen-year old high schooler. Ridiculous!"
"…It's a Catholic school, too." Muttered Gilbert. Hell, as long as I'm gonna be judged, might as well…
"…With a uniform and all that?"
"Yes."
"Oh mein gott, bruder—"
"Don't judge me, okay? I just need something simple." Gilbert told her defensively, pinching the bridge of his nose as he felt a migraine coming on.
"Bruder, it's been more than a year since your breakup with—"
"Do not name her she must not be named." He managed to hiss between gritted teeth before the Evil Name could be spoken.
"Fine." She sighed, thumbing through her blonde hair. "Just tell me something, bruder, are you actually ready to move on, or are you playing with this poor girl?"
Gilbert flopped back into bed, groaning. Why was everyone asking him hard questions like that lately? Slowly, he managed to mumble out, "The awesome me will let you know when I figure it out for myself." And then he hung up.
"I don't want to be here. At all." Francis whined with a pout, twinkling blue eyes staring over at his roommate in disappointment.
"C'mon, man. It's no big deal. Not like you were doing anything today, anyway." Snorted Gilbert.
The Frenchman rolled his eyes. "Yeah, sure, except, you know, getting laid like any other normal human being."
"Normal human being? Dude, you're hornier than a cat in heat all the time!" Gilbert exclaimed.
"Amour is amour, mon ami. Onhonhon. Anyway, we're almost there, and no offence, I just really don't feel like doing this with you."
"What? You suck!" Then, as a last-ditch effort. "…This school has boys, too?" Francis looked thoughtful. Gilbert leaned against the school gates outside, scanning around for his high school girlfriend.
Mei Mei spotted him first. "Gilbert!" She cried cheerfully, running over. "Hi!~"
"Sup, Mei? Oh, this is my gay roommate, Francis."
Mei Mei smiled, shaking Francis' hand. "Oh, hi! Nice to meet you. Do you want to know who's gay in my class?~"
Francis answered immediately, with a faroff gleam in his eyes. "Yes, does he wear glasses?~"
"Oookay, time for you to go, Francis. Bye, see you later, vamanos." Gilbert said hastily, gesturing to somewhere the Frenchman should be that was not here.
"Mon ami, that is cold." Francis said with a theatrical sniffle.
Mei Mei, taking this seriously, hooked arms with Gilbert and gave the French man a sincere smile. "It was nice meeting you. I promise I'll tell you all about the boys next time I see you, Francis."
Francis smiled blithely, taking her free hand and planting a kiss on it. Then, walking off, he called with a chuckle over his shoulder, "You are too good for him, mon petit ange!~ Find someone better!~"
"Haha, your roommate is funny." Giggled Mei Mei innocently.
"Ha ha, yeah… funny…" Fuck you, Francis.
Thankfully, Mei Mei changed the subject as they walked around for a while, talking about yearbook club, and drama, the usual.
"You know, I've never even kissed a boy before." Confessed MeiMei with a flaming blush, looking down at her feet. Gilbert looked over to her, smirking.
"Yeah? Me neither."
There we go. There's the first chapter of this derpy parody, folks. The characters introduced this chapter were:
Prussia (Scott Pilgrim)
England (Stephen Stills)
Hong Kong (Young Neil)
Taiwan (Knives Chau)
Fem!Romano (Kim Pine)
Fem!Germany (Stacy Pilgrim)
France (Wallace Wells)
Hope you enjoyed this retarded rewrite of a story. (We know it's unoriginal, and basically we're just changing characters around from the original Scott Pilgrim series, but fuck it. This is done for shits and giggles.)