What I Deserve
By Kay West
Disclaimer: BTVS and its characters aren't mine – they belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy Productions. Portions of the dialogue are from early Season 7.
It's dark here. Quiet. No one comes here. No one real.
I know they're not real. They can't touch me. Can't hurt me.
Not like I deserve. I deserve to be hurt. Blinding, searing, scorching pain. I need it. It's what I deserve.
I hurt the girl.
I didn't mean to.
I just wanted her to admit how she felt. About me.
She said no.
I didn't listen. Barely heard. Didn't stop.
I hurt the girl.
She stopped me. Threw me across the room. Didn't kill me.
Should have. I deserve it.
Need it.
It's not what she wanted, before.
It has to be, now.
Do it for her. Don't let me hurt her again.
The demon in me roared. My features shifted into its features.
"Do it," Buffy said.
I stumbled backward. I didn't hear her come in. Didn't hear anyone come in.
I thought it was just the two of us.
"Do it, Spike. End it," Buffy said. She came closer. Watching me with a smile on her face.
I whimpered and closed my eyes.
"It's not the time," I said.
It's not what Buffy wanted.
"Of course it's what I want," Buffy said. "It's what I've always wanted. It's what you deserve. Do it. Or you'll hurt someone again. You'll hurt me again."
I drove a sharp nail into my chest.
Not deep enough.
No heart.
I tried again.
And again.
"Spike?"
I froze. It was her voice. But she was calling from the other side of the wall.
The door opened. Buffy walked through it.
"There you are," she said. "I've been looking for you. It's a maze down here."
I nodded. "You need a ticket to enter," I said.
No. That's not right. Basement. No tickets. Not real.
She didn't laugh at me. "It's okay, Spike."
"No. No, no. No! Not okay! Need a ticket! Need … need … ticket…"
She shook her head. "It's okay, Spike," she said again.
"No, Spike. It's not okay. You hurt me. It'll never be okay."
I backed away until I felt the cold stone of the wall. Tried to sink inside. Closed my eyes.
Didn't help. I could still hear her.
"Do it," she said. "It's what she wants. It's what she deserves. It's what you deserve."
"Spike?" Her voice was quiet.
I opened my eyes.
She was watching me. Her eyes looked sad. Compassionate.
No. Can't have that. Don't deserve that. I hurt the girl. I hurt … I hurt…
I slammed my head into the wall. Again and again. Trying to make the pain drown out the … pain.
"Spike, stop it." She grabbed my shoulders. "Spike!"
I flinched away.
"Need to," I said. "I'm a bad man. William is a bad man."
"Banging your head on a wall is supposed to make you good?"
"Need to be punished."
"That won't help."
I tried to hit the wall again.
She pulled me away.
"Stop it!" she yelled.
"No!"
"Please." She was looking at me. Her eyes were kind. And worried. As if I matter to her.
I laughed. So that's what it takes to make her care. Lose my mind. Become even more of a useless fool than I already was.
The laughter changed into a whimper.
No. Don't cry. Not in front of Buffy.
I bit my lip. It didn't even break the skin.
I don't know when my face shifted back to human form.
"Spike. Come on out of here."
"No! Can't go. Need to stay. This is my home. I belong here." I was babbling, but I couldn't stop.
"Spike. This basement is … it's not a good place. You have to leave."
I shook my head. Can't leave. Tried that. I hurt the girl. Made her cry. Mustn't do that. Mustn't hurt the girl.
I forced myself to meet Buffy's eyes.
"Have to stay. This is my home," I told her.
Buffy sighed. "Okay, Spike. It's up to you."
I nodded. I sank back down to the stone floor.
Buffy turned and walked away. Past the wall.
Then she came back, carrying a Thermos.
I stared at her.
She offered it to me.
I didn't take it.
She set it down beside me.
I bit back my tears.
I don't deserve her kindness.
But maybe it doesn't matter what I deserve. Not right now.
"Thank you," I said.
She smiled at me. A genuine smile, if a little sad.
"I'll be back," she promised.
I watched her walk away.