AN: This story was inspired by a craving for pizza that just wouldn't quit. If I could eat this story to satisfy said craving then I would, but as I can't then I hope to lead someone to crave that flat food-of-the-gods as much as I do at this moment. Enjoy.
And before you get the chance to ask, the answer is yes. I have made, and eaten, the pizzas described below and I loved them with every tasty bite. And yes too, that is my honest opinion of pineapple on pizza.
Oh! One last thing! I know the characters are a bit OC, but I did write them as years younger than when we first see them, back in their Uni days to be precise, so this is how I thought they might act before they have all the life experiences that make them into the damaged men that we've come to know and love.
Disclaimer: I don't own a single thing here, not even the pizzas. Though I would give my left arm for a good slice right about now.
Pizza. That was all he could think of now that classes and exams were over with for the year.
So while all his buddies headed to the nearest bar to celebrate(read: get so hammered that they can no longer stand up or see straight), John headed to his favorite pizza place.
Even if it was on the other side of the city from his flat, and was far too expensive for a broke med student, it was THE place to go for pizza. Especially if you liked non-traditional types of toppings like he did.
He had saved his money for this- eating noodles in a cup for almost every meal wasn't so bad really- and now he was going to celebrate the end of term the way he wanted: by building his own pizza!
If any of his friends knew that this was where he was headed- most thought he was going to go see one of his many girlfriends- they would laugh at him for being so ridiculous as to think that pizza was an acceptable alternative to beer, but then John knew that none of them had ever experimented with toppings more adventurous than pineapple(which wasn't a real topping for pizza in his opinion) so he didn't bother to enlighten them.
By the time he arrived the place was packed- as it always was, no matter what day of the week it happened to be- and the only place available to sit was at a two person table that the wait staff would only give him if he had someone with him- the rude buggers!
Spotting a new arrival that was getting the same cold treatment as he was, John sauntered over and asked the all important question that would gain them access to this temple of culinary delights.
"If we sit together we can snag the last table before any one else shows up. You in?" He expected the startled look and quick assessment from the younger man, but he didn't expect to feel so naked under the intense gaze.
"Alright, sure." Was the eventual reply, and John found that his unexpected dinner date had a very nice Irish lilt that suited him somehow.
"Though I'd prefer to just burn this place down for being so rude first." The brunette added and caused John to chuckle, much to the younger man's confusion.
Giving a mock horrified expression to his new companion he flagged a waitress and had her lead them to their table before he really began to tease the slightly taller man.
"You can't burn this place down! Not yet at least. Wait until you have a full stomach, then plan your feat of arson. Burning a thriving business to the ground is always more enjoyable on a full stomach." With that John picked up his menu of topping and crust choices and waited for a reaction from his unnamed table companion.
Most of his friends would tell you that John Watson had a twisted sense of humor, and that was before he went to medical school and learned all sorts of inappropriate jokes about cadavers, so it came as a shock when the man sitting in front of him gave a startled laugh.
"True, so true. And maybe if their food is as good as it is reported to be I just may be lenient and only burn the wait staff." Fighting hard to repress a smile, John strove to give the impression of thinking hard about such a prospect.
"Hmm... the wait staff yes, but you must leave the chefs alive. If you got rid of them then the quality of the food would change." Giving another small laugh- and John couldn't help but notice how his companion's whole face lit up when he smiled- the brunette thrust his hand across the table.
"Jim." Taking the hand in his own, John gave it a shake.
"John." Trying to take back his hand he was stopped as the newly named Jim pulled it closer to himself for study.
"Medical student. Recently joined the Army, yet you hate violence. Worried about you brothers alcoholic tendencies, but have left it for his new wife to handle since you don't want to deal with another drunkard in your life." Letting go of the hand he had been holding captive, Jim picked up his own menu and began to read through the offered toppings.
"And don't worry about the bill, I'll cover it. You're going to need that extra money once you get deployed." John had sat, with his mouth slightly agape, through the whole run down of his life, and was only now finding his voice once more.
"H-how did you... Have you been following me?" Giving John a slightly shy, slightly aggrieved look, Jim answered with a huff.
"I have never laid eyes on you before tonight. So no, I have not been stalking you. You told me everything and I just repeated it out loud. It's a nasty habit that I'm trying to break myself of. It would be so much more mysterious if I just kept quiet and then sprung my deductions on people without them knowing that I knew anything before hand."
"Yes, it would. But still, how..." Sitting his menu down, Jim picked John's hand up again.
"You're a medical student. Easy enough to tell by the ink stains you haven't been able to wash off since your last jotting of notes to yourself on your palm. You can just make out the words 'fulminated fibrosis page twenty'. Which, being that it is a medical term coupled with a book page, is something a med student would need to know." John didn't even have to look to know the mark Jim was pointing out as he had had the bloody stain for a week now thanks to Mike and his lending of a permanent marker.
"Recently joined the Army. Now that was a bit of a guess I'll admit, it could have been any branch of the service really, but you have certain ground loving sense about you; so I went with Army. I could tell given your posture, and your new hair cut. You had much longer hair before going through basic." The waitress arrived then and Jim ordered both their drinks before telling her that they needed a moment longer to look over their menus.
"And my... brother?" John prompted after she had left, after giving their joined hands a sneer that only Jim noticed and filed away.
John was in a bit of a daze from having his life laid bare before him, but he was also amazed that this young man could get all of this information from just a simply handshake.
"Yes, your watch told me all about him. A newer model of one of the more popular men's watches, less than a year old, but the face is scratched and the dial has been nearly broken off. You are obviously far to practicle and precise- judging by the meticulous care given to your clothing- to damage such a luxury item such as this so carelessly. So a present from a family member or close friend, family member being the most likely, so brother. And recently married as he gave you the watch so his new wife wouldn't see how he hadn't been taking care of it and infer that he would treat their marriage the same way. Which he will." He paused to glare hatefully at the homophobic waitress as she set their drinks on the table and left.
"Your hand had twitched slightly when I mentioned your brother's alcohol abuse, so you have bad memories associated with heavy drinking and hate to be reminded of it. Plus you are in an alcohol free establishment the day finals are over instead of in a bar with your friends, it wasn't too far to leap. And as for covering the bill..." He finally re-released John's hand and retook up his menu as he still didn't know what to get for himself.
"Isn't that what one is supposed to do on a date?" It took exactly eighteen seconds for John to catch up and react to his words- Jim had been silently counting- and he was once more shocked by what came out of this odd blonde's mouth.
"Brilliant! Just... brilliant. And I would be glad to make this a date as I've never been on one with a gorgeous genius before." Picking up his own menu to finish deciding on what he wanted, and to begin filling in the order card so that the kitchen staff would know just what he wanted, John didn't notice the pole-axed look passing over Jim's face.
John had called him brilliant! Brilliant and gorgeous, all in one breath. He had never been called either before and now he had been called both in the same night by the same man!
He thought about giving a small 'Thank you' for the complement, but he didn't really know if that was the socially acceptable thing to do since he had never been complemented before.
Turning back to menu he found that he just couldn't decide on what to get. Putting the thing down he decided to just get a pepperoni and leave the more adventurous things alone.
"So what are you getting?" John asked as he finished writing out his order as neatly as possible, he didn't want to write sloppily and get the wrong topping because of it.
"Just pepperoni, I really don't eat this sort of thing much so I don't know what combinations would taste the best. The most I know is that anyone eating pineapple on a pizza should have their head examined, preferably once it has been removed." When he was met with silence he turned to look at his blonde date.
He was taken aback by the look of total adoration on John's face.
"What?" He asked after several seconds when the staring man hadn't even blinked.
"I said the same thing the first time my roommate insisted that pineapple was the best topping ever put on pizza. You have to be the most perfect person I have ever met, where have you been hiding yourself?" Trying not to blush, and failing miserably, Jim turned the conversation back to their orders by picking up one of the order cards off the table.
"So I just need to fill this out, right?" He quickly berated himself for the sheer stupidity of that question, but John just smiled- and how had he not noticed those cute dimples before?- and went along with the topic change.
"Yes. But I'd rather you try something more daring than just pepperoni. Not that it isn't good, it is one of my favorite toppings, but it is rather plain considering that you can get anything you want here." Weighing his options, and picking up several more cards to hand to the perplexed almost-doctor, Jim decided to live a little.
"Don't mind the cost, I can cover it, just order your favorites and I'll at least try them." John hesitated for only a moment before he started to fill out three more order cards.
As he handed them to the waitress- he was slightly put off by her snobby attitude, but then again all the floor staff acted that way- Jim finally asked him what he had ordered.
"It's a surprise, but if you want to try and figure it out then you'll just have to guess." And, with a smile on his face, Jim began to try and unravel the mystery of the pizza toppings.
He had never thought that a game based on his deductive skills could be so much fun! He made a mental note to try it out on a larger scale someday, though it would probably be more fun if he found someone else to participate in the game as well.
But he dismissed that last thought out of hand- he had never met anyone else capable of what he could do after all.
It took forty-five minutes for their order to arrive- and Jim knew the only reason that their waitress hadn't spit on their food was because her boss was on the floor and he decided he would need to teach her some manners, but not while he was on a date with such an amazing catch as he had been unexpectedly gifted with- and Jim had only been ably to deduce two of the four pizzas. And the fact that John's brother was actually his sister.
Coincidently the first two trays laid on the table- and taking up all the available space so that the others would have to rest on portable stands next to them- where the ones Jim had figured out.
Plain pepperoni on a hand tossed crust was the first- that one had been the easiest to figure out since John was too nice a bloke to not order something that he knew Jim would like- the second was a nachos inspired one.
Thin crust with a layer of nacho cheese; topped with ground beef, white onions, green onions, jalapenos and then more nacho cheese. The green onions had been the hardest part to figure out, but he would soon quickly agree that they added a necessary depth of flavor.
Those two out-of-the-way he looked over the others, and then shot John a quizzical look.
"They are a cheeseburger pizza and a buffalo chicken pizza, with ranch dip on the side in case it's too hot. You said you would at least try them." Nodding his assent, Jim let John dish him up a slice of the cheeseburger one first.
He carefully examined it before he tried a bite.
Deep dish crust- and boy did it need it- with yellow mustard working as the sauce, then the toppings started: ground beef was expected, and then things turned odd, slices of tomato, leaves of lettuce, dill pickles, white onions and all of it topped off by a thick layer of a cheese mix. He thought it might be a Colby and Monteray Jack blend, but he wasn't completely certain.
Taking a bite he was assailed by the mix of flavors- it was just like a cheeseburger, but far less greasy; and you got the full range of flavors all in one easy to chew bite!
It wasn't until John chuckled that he realized he was giving a low moan and had already eaten half of the large slice.
Blushing- John had a very sexy laugh Jim realized- he decided to try the others before he made a scene.
Taking a slice of the buffalo style, he gave it the same once over as he had the cheeseburger.
Hand tossed crust, no sauce but then the chicken had enough on it that it hadn't needed any more. The chicken had been shredded and soaked in a hot buffalo sauce and then layered on the crust and topped with cheddar and smoked provolone cheeses.
The first bite set his mouth on fire, and he immediately dived into the ranch dip.
The next two hours were spent in a pleasant haze of good food and pleasant company, and before he knew it Jim had asked John back to his flat for the night.
"That would be nice." John said, and with a flash of his dimples he had Jim under his spell once again.
JMJWJMJWJMJWJMJWJMJWJMJWJMJW
John was a bit overwhelmed once they reached Jim's flat.
It was huge! And the view was fantastic.
Putting their boxed up leftovers in the fridge, the two young men settled on Jim's sofa.
"You know that I could be a serial killer that simply led you here so that I could have my way with you and then dispose of your body at my leisure, right?" This time when John chuckled Jim let himself laugh as well, he had never felt so relaxed around someone before. Or as accepted.
So caught up was he in his happy musings he almost didn't catch what John was asking him.
"What?" Rolling his eyes, John repeated his question.
"I said: How would you dispose of my body? Dropping it down the trash chute would get it outside, but then what?" There was a hint of humor in John's serious blue eyes, so Jim decided to answer honestly and see how John reacted.
"I'd call one of my people to come and collect and bury it." Out of all the reactions he expected to see- fear, humor, disgust- John gave him the one he hadn't been prepared for: disdain.
"Burial? Dull." Interest peaked- as it had been ever since he had first been approached about sharing a table- Jim had to know what was going through that unpredictable mind.
"What would you do then?" John settled back on the comfy sofa and looked to give it some thought.
"Mulch." Was his eventual reply, and a confused Jim simply raised an eyebrow in encouragement to elaborate.
"I worked at an industrial composting site in my teens. If I had to dispose of a body I would first freeze it, then run it through a shredder. Add the shreds to a giant compost heap, and in no time you have human mulch. Simple. And all trace evidence is destroyed by the gawd-awefull heat those heaps produce." Filling the scenario away for future use, Jim pulled John into a chaste kiss.
"Johnny, my boy, you are perfect." Blushing darkly, John turned his head away without pulling his body away from Jim's warmth.
"I-I've never kissed a guy before." He confessed.
"You're just like your pizza choices, you know that? So unexpected, yet too perfect to not sink your teeth into." Jim then leaned forward and took John's soft lips into a gentle kiss once more.
He could definitely get used to this, he realized.
Unknown to him, John was thinking the same thing.
A few weeks later when the news showed a picture of their waitress and said that she was missing John didn't think twice about it, and it would be years later- when he was living with Sherlock- that he would learn that Jim had bought up several composting and mulching businesses across the country and throughout Europe.