"Falling in love is such an easy thing to do. So why can't I seem to love you? I did, I'm sure I did... But now I feel like I'm lost and I don't find a way to get better."
I'm aware of the fact that I'm hurting her. My words are hurting me as well, they're sharp, they're suffocating, they're like a nonliving killer.
But I also know that I'm beginning to ignore her, and that all this whole deja-vu is playing in her head, and that she wants us to try harder.
I need to tell her, because I need to love her, to love her again. To be surrounded by her red hair, by her smile... by her entire being. I was used to love that woman... but now I just lost this ability.
Her smile fades, and she tries to catch her breath, and she wants to know what made me change my mind, what made me change. She wonders if there is another woman, someone else to replace her as soon as she lets me go. She stands there in front of me, and I know that she can't speak right now, and I see her swallow to hide the fact that that her heart is breaking in a thousand of tiny hurting pieces once more. But I do know her well. And I can't do anything but notice that, if in the past I'd immediately hug her and help her heal – no, I would be her healer, - now I'm the one who makes her ill. I'm the one who leaves, this time, and I inevitably feel a little guilty.
xxx
"You made me see the light again... Do you get it?And I know I can't do this to Derek again. But what if I want? What would you say then?" "I would say yes."
So, now I'm with the woman I truly love. The woman nobody would report to me.
I really couldn't find a real reason to love Addison. There wasn't one, I just fell for her. But she, she is everything I need that I never knew I wanted. She's the one who gets me. The one who gives me as much space for myself as I need, because she needs it for herself too.
I fell in love with the only two women that my best friend loved. Once, I thought it was a curse. I thought I should go through hell, to hell. Now though... it seems like heaven - and that's the other difference between Addison and Meredith. When I'm with her, it doesn't feel wrong, and I don't care if somehow it is. I'm not scared of consequences. I just... be.
A/N: I won't say that I don't like this, because it's not the truth. But I still think that it lacks of something. You tell me :D Anyway, I really needed to post something and this was the only thing near to be complete. So... well.