Resident Evil 4: Chronicles Of Leon
Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing in this story except for the story itself.
Summary: Leon Kennedy has been assigned to find the President's daughter and bring her home safely. Will he be able to do so, or will his moronic senses lead him to failure?
Chapter 1: And So It Begins...
The mission was simple, or so the President had said. His exact words were, "Alright, new guy, your first mission is an easy one. Find my daughter or else! Or else what, you ask? I'll make you get a hair removal operation for your scalp! Damn, your hair's nice. What shampoo do you use?" Leon cherished his hair a lot, and if he ever went bald, he would surely kill himself, so of course he immediately went to Spain on one of the President's private jets.
"You're looking for the President's daughter, eh?" One of the brunette's escorts asked to break the ongoing silence.
Leon nodded. "Yeah. My first mission."
"Your President is crazy. Sending a newbie on a mission like this. And alone, too. You could die in a place like this, you know? Crazy things have been going on around here lately."
"Let's just say I've had experience before ending up in the President's hands."
"Ah, mi Dios!" The other escort gasped. "Stop the car! I have to piss mucho mal!"
"Fine." The driver stopped the vehicle suddenly, making Leon's face come in contact with the back of his seat. "But make it quick."
The officer hurriedly stepped out of the car and headed over to a bush to relieve himself.
"Oh, that's nice." The agent muttered sarcastically as he watched the officer piss into the mouth of a deceased squirrel.
Five minutes passed and the officer still hadn't returned to the car yet, thus annoying the driver. The brunette agent watched in shock as the officer continued to piss nonstop. By now, the corpse of the squirrel was practically swimming in urine.
"What could be taking him so long?" The driver asked.
"Uh...I have absolutely no idea."
The officer held up a pack of cigarettes. "Want one?"
"No thanks. Don't smoke."
"Pussy." He took one for himself and looked for his lighter. He remembered he left it at home and swore, but left the cigarette between his lips. If he couldn't actually smoke it, he could at least pretend to until he got to some source of fire.
Finally, the other officer stopped urinating and re-entered the vehicle.
"Sorry it took so long." He apologized. "I've been holding that in for DAYS."
"...Is shit like that normal around here?" Leon asked him.
"No. I'm just cool." The escort grinned.
The rest of the trip was in silence, aside from the radio that was playing Spanish songs that Leon had no idea what the singers were singing about, but enjoyed them anyway. He was somewhat annoyed when they reached their destination and he had to exit into the cold autumn atmosphere.
"Good luck, cowboy." The driver joked.
"Yeah, yeah." Before Leon started down the path, a crackle from his radio got his attention. He grumbled and answered.
"Hey, Leon, can you hear me?" The woman on screen asked.
"Yeah. Who are you?"
"I'm Ingrid Hunnigan. I'll be your support for the mission."
"Support? What the hell can you do?"
"Well, I can give you tips and I also can get transportation for you. So basically, if you piss me off, I can leave you stranded there for as long as I want."
"..." Leon decided to change the subject. "The subject's name is Ashley Graham, right?"
"Yeah, and remember that she's the President's daughter, so try to behave yourself."
"No problems there. Leon out." Leon returned his radio to his belt and followed the dirt path, only to stop when a crow came out and thoroughly startled him. He screamed girlishly, thinking it was going to attack him, and shot it until his gun ran out of ammo. Before his eyes, the bird appeared to disintegrate and a box of ammo was left in its place. "Wow..." He picked up the box and examined it. "Spain has THE coolest animals."
The agent found himself in front of a house that looked to be in poor condition. The path to the village was blocked at the moment by a parked truck, so he figured he'd start at the house first. Hoping he'd find some leads at this house, he entered.
"Uh, excuse me?" He asked the only occupant. "I'm looking for this girl. Have you seen her?" He held out a picture of Ashley to the man, but all he did was mutter something in Spanish and went on with his business. "I didn't understand that! As you can clearly see, I'm not Spanish and I failed Spanish class all four years of high school!"
The man grabbed the axe leaning next to the fireplace and swung at Leon, who jumped back just in time.
"Geez! You tell a guy your life story and he tries to kill you!" The brunette withdrew his gun and aimed at the crazed Spaniard as he backed up to the wall. "Freeze!"
The Spaniard, while spitting out Spanish nonsense, paid no heed to Leon's warning. Instead, he held the axe up, ready to strike, and kept inching towards the American.
"I said freeze! Uh...Sit! Stay! Lay down!" When the commands didn't work, the brunette shot the man in the head until he was sure he was dead, then shot him a few more times to be safe. "Damn, that was close..."
The radio buzzed again and Hunnigan's face came on screen once more.
"Is everything okay, Leon?" She asked.
"Hell no! Some guy just tried to kill me! I had to put him down. There are others around here."
"Wow, sucks to be you. Get out of there and head to the village. You need to rescue the subject at all costs, no matter what it takes."
"Oh, sure. You don't care about me, but you care about this Ashley chick. I'm out." He near-pouted as he put his radio away.
The sound of an engine starting got Leon's attention. Staring out the window, he saw the originally-parked truck speeding away down the path he came from with his escorts. Villagers were coming up to the porch, holding weapons and pounding on the door.
"Oh, shit! They know I killed this guy and now they want my flesh!" In a panic, the agent ran upstairs and jumped out the window, only to land in the middle of the group of Ganados. "Oh...shit..."
"Un forastero!" One of the villagers cried, pointing at him.
"You'll never take me alive!" With that said, Leon ran down the path as quickly as he could, back to where the officers were waiting. "Guys! Help! Huh?" He stopped, noting the car was no longer there. "Those assholes! They left without me!" He ran towards the bridge, but paused and for no apparent reason, looked down into the stream. There was the police car, overturned and damaged severely.
The Ganados watched in odd fascination as Leon ran in circles in an absolute panic. They shrugged at each other and advanced on him.
"You're not shoving me down into the river!" The American held up his gun and shot each of the Ganados until nothing was left, save for ammo boxes. "Wow...even the people do that, too!" He merrily picked up the boxes and followed the path leading to the village.
A whimper made him stop. A wolf, which Leon had mistaken for a dog, was caught in a bear trap a few feet away, gnawing at the horrible device in an attempt to free itself.
"Aw...Poor doggie. I'll let you out!" Gently, Leon released the wolf from the torturous trap. The wolf limped out, gave a happy bark, then took off over the nearby fence. "Hey, wait! Come back, you're hurt!" He huffed when the wolf didn't come back. "Stupid dog!"
He continued his way to the village, shooting any Ganados he saw, and even managing to hit a few that were out of sight. Once he got past the gate, he was again radioed by Hunnigan.
"Leon. How ya holding up?" She asked.
"How do you THINK I'm holding up? These people want me dead! If you ask me, I think they're just jealous that I'm the hottest person here."
"Erm, okay then. I'm sending you a playing manual. Hope you find it useful."
"...Why didn't you send me that in the first place?!"
"The President thought you already had one! Sheesh."
"Wait, what's this playing manual for, anyway? Oh, dear God, don't tell me this is actually a video game..." Leon whimpered.
"Of course it's not. We just call it a playing manual because just calling it a manual sounded boring. It tells you stuff like what's going on and how to use your weapons and-"
"I already know all that shit! But thanks for sending it to me, anyway. I might look at it later. Leon out." The brunette withdrew a pair of binoculars and eyed the villagers from a safe distance. They seemed to act normal, but the way they actually looked was beyond the boundaries of normal. "Ew...they're all so ugly. That's odd. Why are they pointing at me and walking in my general direction?" It took him a full ten seconds to realize he was much closer to them than he thought. So close, the Ganados actually heard what he was saying.
"Agárrenlo!" A male with a deep voice cried.
"Holy shit!" The pretty boy ran to the nearest house, slamming the door shut and blocking it with a piece of furniture. He ran upstairs and grabbed whatever weapons he could to fight back with. "Damn, these guys are loaded! I'm definitely not in Kansas anymore." He jumped out the window and landed on the roof of another building, but he was not alone. Some of the Ganados were on the roof and more were climbing up the ladders. "Back! Back, I say!" Leon waved his dagger at them, causing them to stop and stare at him in confusion.
One villager asked another why the hell the American pig was acting like an idiot, to which the other responded by saying that's how American pigs act and they shared a round of snickering and gave each other a high five.
Leon took this as an advantage and jumped off the roof while they were temporarily preoccupied. As he was about to look for another place to hide, that was when he saw it. Tied to a stake in the burning flames was one of the police officers who escorted him to the outskirts of the village. In fact, if he could recall, it was the one who pissed Niagara Falls in the dead squirrel's pie hole. Or maybe the one who drove. He wasn't really paying attention to who was whom. He stared at the burning corpse, not knowing whether he should start panicking, continue with the mission, or just say, "Screw this." and order Hunnigan to send him some means of transportation home.
The Ganados took Leon's daze as a good chance to attack, and as they neared him, a sound made them stop.
"Church bells?" The American agent asked himself, now out of his daze.
All of the Ganados lowered their weapons and entered the church, uttering quietly, "Lord Saddler..."
Leon, now alone, looked around him. "What's up with that? Is it bingo night or something? Hell, it's not even night! Weird people." He almost growled in annoyance when he heard the radio buzz again. "Hunnigan, this is just about the millionth time you've radioed me!"
"Sorry, just trying to keep an eye out for you. Everything okay?"
"Not really. I just found one of my escorts burning in the bonfire in the middle of this village. What the hell is wrong with the people here? Are they on drugs or something? I bet it's drugs. They always said at school drugs are bad for you, and it looks like they were actually right."
"Leon, you need to get out of there. Look for a tower. There should be a trail near it."
"What do I do with the trail?"
Hunnigan came very close to smacking her forehead. "Follow the trail, Leon."
"Oh! I knew that. Leon out." The brunette searched all around him, looking in every direction except behind him. "Where's this tower she mentioned?" He finally did turn around. "Oh! There it is." He took the path Hunnigan told him of, but not before looting all the houses first, and exited through the gate.
I know. There've been at least a million RE4 parodies done, but what makes this one different is...it's the best! XD But seriously, I felt like doing my own. As you will see in the following chapters, RE4:COL will be linked to my other fanfic, Mission: Almost Impossible, in various ways. In other words, this sort of counts as a 'prequel' to M:AI.
Yeah, as you can see, Resident Evil 4: Chronicles Of Leon was the best name I could come up with, lol. Oh, well. It's WAY better than the millions of others I came up with. Trust me.
Oh, and the thing with the wolf. I understand it was a dog Leon rescued from the bear trap, but I changed it to a wolf because...well, you'll see why later.