…Seimei…
… I love you Seimei…
I refuse to think you are a bad person… but my doubts are beginning to build up…
…Why did you have to go...?
… If you were Beloved… why am I Loveless?
Ritsuka looked up to the small alter, holding a burning stick of incense and letting the faint candles envelop him. The shining, polished stone glittered in the firelight and Ritsuka's violet eyes softening at the sight of the lettering carved into it. He closed his thick lashes and prayed even harder.
…I hope you are happy wherever you are…
… I hope you have lots of friends…
… And I hope you haven't forgotten… like I have…
… Soubi says he wishes you well…
… Seimei…
… I love you, Seimei…
Ritsuka placed the incense stick on a small, porcelain dish and blew out the candles lightly. He sighed in the darkness of his home, examining the faint outline of the white flowers wilting by the small alter.
He felt the pang of his new cut sting against his bandage and he gritted his teeth.
Soubi lives with this pain… everyday… Seimei did too…
… I can be strong like them…
Ritsuka bowed his head, his hand resting on his kneeling legs. He let his black hair fall over his face and his cat ears fell flat against his head. His tail was motionless. A startlingly cold hand pressed on his shoulder in the darkness. Ritsuka froze, fear crawling in the pit of his stomach. He suddenly felt sick.
"Ritsuka…" a raspy voice whispered. Ritsuka's eyes widened. They shimmered in the faint light of the now open door. He shook as he turned his face slowly.
"Mom…" he breathed. The black-haired woman seemed calm. Misaki smiled at him timidly, the dark bags under her eyes like black holes. Her eyes were glassy and clouded, as if she were days without sleep. Her skin stretched along her face tiredly, pale and grey, with a sickly color. Ritsuka tried to contain his fear, knowing his mother could turn and destroy Seimei's alter with her flailing arms.
"It's late, honey… go to bed…" she said softly. Ritsuka nodded.
"Okay," Ritsuka stood and turned to face his mother full on. She could hit him as much as she'd like now. Soubi was going to get mad. A silent tear ran down his cheek.
"Ritsuka… you're crying…" she reached to touch his face. He pulled back, then cringed as he saw his mother's eyes widen. The madness had returned, filling her up to the brim. He gasped as his mother's teeth gritted together and she raised her hand. He ducked.
"Who… who are you?" she shrieked, trying to strike him. Ritsuka stumbled from the room and out into the hall, where he fell on his chest and knocked his breath out. He gasped as his mother approached him from behind and furiously kicked him.
"Never letting your mother comfort you! Who else will care for you but your own mother, Ritsuka? Who are you?" Ritsuka muffled his cries with a bloodied fist in his mouth and curled into a ball as his mother wreck havoc on him. He tried to block out the pounding pain of her mercilessly letting out all of her emotions on him, screaming, shrieking and beating him until he was brought to his knees. Sometimes even lower.
Ritsuka awoke to a cold shiver up his back. He pulled the blanket around him closer and moaned. A mumbled voice echoed in his head, but he was too groggy to hear it. He sighed and drifted back into his sleep, feeling the panging cut still on his cheek and his whole aching body.
"Ritsuka-kun!" Kio called. Natsuo and Youji watched nervously, murmuring about the high fever.
"Ritsuka-kun! Damn, he fell asleep again…" Kio cursed, repositioning the cold washcloth on the black-haired boy's head. Ritsuka shivered and settled deeper into the blankets, mumbling something inaudible. Kio sighed and Natsuo walked closer, feeling Ritsuka's bandaged cheek. He eyed the boy fondly.
"Don't envy him, Natsuo. I wouldn't wish what Rit-chan had on my worst enemy…" Kio sighed, wiping his own forehead. A bucket of water was placed by the bed filled with a wet washcloth.
"Oi, where is Soubi?" Youji asked, putting a finger on his cheek thoughtfully. Kio looked out the window with worried eyes. Rain blew across the glass and Kio frowned.
"I hope he's on his way home…" Kio replied, his voice low and breathy. Natsuo watched Ritsuka moan and cringe. He blinked.
"Is he dreaming?" he asked. Kio didn't answer and Youji shrugged.
"What's it to ya'?" Natsuo watched Ritsuka as he mumbled something again Youji sipped his boiling hot tea from the thick mug he was holding. Natsuo laid his head by Ritsuka, sighing.
"Poor little Ritsuka… Soubi's going to be upset when he comes home…"
Ritsuka felt a warm hand on his cheek. It made his check blaze in a whirl of heat and he shivered, pulling under the covers. He inhaled, smelling sweet vanilla and cigarette smoke…
'Wait a second… cigarette smoke?' Ritsuka thought to himself groggily and he shot up in bed, eyes wide and dizzy. He groaned loudly and held his banging head, his ears falling flat against his head. They hurt. Everything hurt.
He felt strong arms wrap around him. He panicked and tensed up, making his head hurt even more. His legs ached when he moved them and his arms felt like dead weight. With no energy to protest, he let himself collapse into the arms. He heaved a breath or two before clutching the strong, toned back that held him in his safe embrace. Tears streamed down his frightened eyes and over his rosy cheeks, but he tried to say silent and let them fall.
"Shhh… it's alright, Ritsuka… I'm here…" Ritsuka heard the familiar voice, his tears sticking to long, blonde hair. He let more tears escape, seeing a blur of bright turquoise and maroon.
"…N-Natsuo? Youji?" he murmured. He saw Natsuo's worried face and his white eye patch. Youji's long hair and matching cat ears twitched in curiosity.
"Hey, Ritsuka-kun, you're comin' around," Natsuo smiled, a hand rubbing Ritsuka's back calmly. He let out a ragged sigh and relaxed in the arms holding him.
"S-Soubi…" he sighed, letting his whole body relax.
"Shhh… Ritsuka, can you hear me?" Soubi's soothing voice graced both sets of ears. Ritsuka nodded weakly.
"Uh huh," he whimpered, his head felt like a thousand needles and his legs and arms seemed useless. He couldn't feel his tail or his toes. It hurt so bad; tears stung his eyes and ran over new cuts.
"Wh-where am I?" Ritsuka muttered weakly.
"In Soubi's apartment, Rit-chan," Kio's voice rang in Ritsuka's ears. Ritsuka let out another ragged breath.
"Kio…" he breathed. Soubi began to rub his back lightly again.
"Go to sleep, Ritsuka… we'll take care of you when you wake up…" Soubi whispered, rocking back and forth. Ritsuka huffed a few short breaths and fell into the lull of the rocking, the back massage and the feeling of Soubi all around him, him resting comfortably in Soubi's lap.
Natsuo and Youji giggled when they heard Ritsuka, despite the pain and confusion, purring against Soubi's chest.
"How cute."
"Nyhh…erg… nyrg…" Ritsuka tossed and turned, squirming in a puddle of sheets and a wrapping of sweat. He huffed, streaks of dry trails of sweat beaded down his forehead and bare back.
He inched his eyes open, a weight suddenly dropping beside him. It felt warm. It was dark around him; the window provided moonlight to show outlines. He moaned softly and turned his head, trying to dull the panging ache.
Soubi's sleeping figure lay beside him, peacefully asleep. His glasses were discarded and his hair seemed to fall perfectly over his thin face. Ritsuka's squinted eyes glittered as a small smile appeared on his bruised face. Purple, blue, brown and red decorated his skin like a tattoo.
"Soubi…" he murmured weakly. Soubi seemed to respond immediately. His eyes opened and he gazed into the wide, innocent black ones damaged by the brutality of the world.
"Ritsuka," he smiled, relieved as he sat up, causing the sheets to slide off of his long torso. The younger boy pulled them close, fearful of losing the precious heat.
"Am still at your apartment?" he asked. Soubi nodded softly, caressing the rosy cheek.
"Yes, you're safe," he pulled closer, nose-to-nose with the little cat-boy. Ritsuka didn't blush or pull away in embarrassment. He was too tired… too weak, too scared to pull away from his only protection.
Tears spilled down Ritsuka's glassy eyes. He hugged Soubi, Soubi wrapping his long arms around the little one he was sworn to protect, to serve, to live for and die. To love.
They stayed like this for hours, Ritsuka sighing, clutching, squeezing Soubi for all the times he didn't. Soubi let him, gradually letting him relax and cry until his eyes became heavy and his vision fuzzy. Drowsy, he looked up into moonlit eyes that scared him, but entranced him.
"…I was praying…" he whispered. Soubi seemed confused.
"Shhh," he cooed. Ritsuka's ears drooped.
"I was praying… to Seimei…" he continued. Soubi listened, rubbing his back and stroking his cheeks, wiping his tears and protecting him from the terrors of memory.
"A-and…" his voice cracked. Soubi kissed his forehead.
"A-and my mom came in…" he shivered, tightly holding the older man. Ritsuka had never been so clingy.
"It's alright, Ritsuka… She's not here and you're safe now," Ritsuka heaved a shaky sigh and slowly released the chest. He fell deeper into the darkness, tired and exhausted.
"Will you stay?" he breathed before drifting. Soubi's smile greeted his question.
"I would never leave." And Ritsuka was gone.
"Neh, Ritsuka, you want some breakfast?" Natsuo asked, smiling brightly on the Sunday morning. Ritsuka's glassy, sunken eyes and flushed face looked up to Natsuo, trying to give a convincing smile.
"No thanks, Natsuo. I'm not very hungry." Natsuo frowned. He reached forward and felt Ritsuka's forehead. Still bedridden, Ritsuka had not left Soubi's bed since he arrived late the night before. Ritsuka's ears cocked awkwardly. Natsuo couldn't feel his fever.
"Ritsuka-chan, the thermometer says your temperature is 101. I'm worried," Natsuo mentioned. Ritsuka had no energy to snap back at him. Instead he smiled with irony in his eyes.
"I'm surprised to see you worried about someone like me, Natsuo," he answered. Natsuo grinned and giggled.
"I suppose you're right. But please eat something- soup, toast, drink water, something!" he shouted. Ritsuka's ears folded down and his head thumped.
"…Yelling…" Ritsuka whined. Natsuo covered his mouth, his red hair draping over his pale hand.
"Ack, Ritsuka-chan, I'm sorry," he murmured pleadingly. Loud footsteps came down the hall and Ritsuka was relieved to see Soubi in the doorway, his face stricken with almost mortal fear.
"Is everything alright in here?" he asked immediately. Natsuo turned his head and grinned with a bowl of rice in his hand. Ritsuka followed up by a weak, fatigued smile.
"Yes," they answered simultaneously. Soubi's shoulders slumped. Natsuo switched glances between Loveless Fighter and Sacrifice. He suddenly missed Youji.
"Ritsuka, eat," Natsuo prodded. Soubi leaned in the doorway, watching like a mother hawk. Ritsuka kept eye contact with the man. Kio strolled by the doorway and peaked in.
"How are you, Rit-chan?" he asked perkily. Ritsuka sighed, his cheeks even more flushed. Soubi walked into the room, sitting down on the bed next to his beloved Sacrifice. He placed his large hand on Ritsuka's slim fingers. Ritsuka smiled. Being worried about almost felt nice.
"I'm better, thank you Kio…"
"I'm going to find Youji," Natsuo stood, brushing his clothes and leaving the tray of food on the floor. He turned to the door and swung around the frame, grabbing Kio's collar and dragging him away. Kio whined in protest, but didn't return to the doorway.
Ritsuka wished he could chuckle, but he was too tired. He was aching, hot, exhausted, and didn't want to move at all. Soubi rubbed his childish hands and he smiled with an expression that made him seem much older than the little 14-year-old boy he was. He was growing up; he'd grown a couple inches and lost some baby fat on his cheeks. He was never muscled, but was filling out.
"Ritsuka…" Soubi whispered. Ritsuka cocked his cat ears towards his Fighter. He didn't want to move his head in fear of hurting the cuts and bruises on his neck.
"Hm?" he tried to smile. It came out strained. Soubi was killing himself to see Ritsuka in such pain and suffering; Ritsuka could see it in his pale blue eyes.
"Soubi, I'm sorry I'm making you worry so much; I don't-."
"Don't be sorry, Ritsuka, I worry because you are my Sacrifice and because I care for you," Soubi cut off the boy. Ritsuka paused, lost in muffled thoughts.
"How much do you care for me, Soubi?" Ritsuka glanced dangerously at him, tears welling up in his big beautiful violet eyes. Soubi seemed surprised at the question, but answered without hesitation.
"I would die for you, Ritsuka. I would run to the ends of the earth to make you happy. I would kill myself to make you smile. Ritsuka, I care for you more than I care about life itself. I love you," Soubi answered, deep devotion soaring in his heart. These were not Seimei's words; no, Soubi spoke from his heart… his soul.
Yet, Ritsuka cringed at them. Soubi would kill himself, thinking it made him happy?
"Soubi, your pain would never make me smile."
The older man laughed at Ritsuka's ever-childish ways. The growing boy frowned, but took Soubi's hands and caressed them, as if he were holding a fragile bird in his palms. To Ritsuka, Soubi seemed fragile. It didn't matter how strong Soubi acted in the heat of battle to protect his Sacrifice, his Loveless. Soubi was like a paper-thin glass bird in the palms of the boy. Soubi knew it too.
Maybe he was that fragile, and in Ritsuka's arms, he did not care.
"Soubi…" Ritsuka had wanted to say the three little words for so long, but waited until he knew he felt it. He would not love Soubi out of pity or obligation. The growing boy needed to feel love in his heart, and so he waited.
"Yes, Ritsuka?" Soubi whispered in the boy's cat ears, his warm breath making them twitch.
"If I fall asleep, will you be here when I wake up?" Ritsuka asked cutely, his eyes clouding over. Soubi smiled softly, settling as Ritsuka drifted into sleep.
"Anything for you, Ritsuka. I love you."
Ritsuka was fast asleep.
Two days later, Ritsuka was on his feet, freshly showered and with a broken fever. He stretched his stiff muscles by doing chores, and making sure Natsuo and Youji didn't try to blow up the kitchen. He felt groggy and slept more than usual, but he felt color back in his face and his cuts were starting to heal already.
He still had not returned home for a few days, and there was no word from his mother. Yuiko had dragged Yayoi to Soubi's apartment yesterday and cheered up Ritsuka with homemade strawberry jelly, and a worried look on her cute face. The two middle-schoolers and the Zeros had an interesting time meeting each other.
Ritsuka woke from an afternoon nap and found Soubi rubbing his back soothingly, watching Ritsuka sleep silently. Ritsuka bristled, and sat up, rubbing his eyes furiously.
"I wasn't… mrg, sleeping…" he mumbled. Soubi chuckled and rubbed between his ears.
"It's alright, you need your rest."
Ritsuka opened his eyes and met with Soubi's mysterious lilac eyes. Kio was stir frying something in the kitchen, shouting at the Zeros to quit fooling around with the ingredients. Their snickers gave way they weren't really listening.
Ritsuka settled into Soubi's sheets again, barely aware of the scent now. He furrowed his young brow and Soubi frowned, "What's bothering you?"
"My mother must be worried about me."
Soubi's face reflected a dark expression, but he tried to hide it as Ritsuka kept going, "I can't tell when my mom's really worried about me, or the real Ritsuka. I get so confused, and I try so hard to give her the right Ritsuka… Sometimes, it feels really nice to be taken care of. Thank you Soubi."
Soubi sighed, "You are the real Ritsuka. No one is trying to replace you, and you always know you can come to me if you want to be taken care of." The smirk at the end of the sentence made Ritsuka hiss.
"Pervert!"
Soubi laughed.
"Truly, Ritsuka. I love you, and Kio, and the Zeros are here. You're a part of our world, now, and we want you to be cared for."
Ritsuka paused, drinking in Soubi's words slowly. To be cared for… is all he really wanted. He wanted to be loved, to be cherished, to be taken care of because he was Ritsuka. When he was sick, someone would nurse him to health; when he was hurt, someone would heal him; when he was sad, someone to brighten his spirits.
He looked at Soubi again, and saw it all in Soubi's eyes.
Ritsuka smiled, and buried his head into Soubi's chest, purring softly. Soubi chuckled, rubbing Ritsuka's small back again and cradling his head. The Fighter kissed the black mop of hair growing on Ritsuka's head, nuzzling his ears, and sighed.
"Always for you, Ritsuka."
Ritsuka smiled into Soubi's chest, feeling the love burst into his heart and bloom beautifully.