Disclaimer: I don't own DN, just the idea behind this piece of Crack.
AN: Alright, here's an LxBxMxMxN+Light fic of sorts…because the pairing is hot. Or something. I have an odd brain, so this was born. I hope it's not too weird. I hope you guys like it. More random rambles and such at the end…if you can last until then…
Dedicated To: Pyrat, Scottie, and Luna. Pyrat for sort of mentioning the pairing, and Scottie for helping me think of more weirdness. And for Luna who helped me some with Light's part…whether or not she knows it.
Warnings: Spoilers for real names and other plot stuffs. And Naughty Language. Oh, and OOC-ness. Kinda AU. That's enough, right? XD
THE START!
It was a beautiful, sunny afternoon. Daylight steamed in through the large windows along one wall of the comfortable sitting room. The room's inhabitants were each absorbed in their own task. A white haired boy dressed in solid white pajamas satin the middle of a large patch of sunlight, stacking dice into a tower. On a couch only a few feet away, a redhead stared intently at the DS in his hands through goggle-clad eyes. Next to him, a blond dressed in tight leather was pouting and doing his best to glare the nearby dice-tower into ruins while devouring a chocolate bar with all the gusto of a half-starved lion. Across from the odd pair sat an equally odd pair. Two men with shaggy wild mops of black hair sat crouched on a couch. One with a laptop and a large slice of cake, and the other with a large jar of strawberry jam. The two men were dressed alike, barefoot with baggy jeans and equally baggy long sleeved white shirts. They also had matching dark bags under their eyes, although only one of them had them naturally. The only difference in the two was the Jam-eater's wide eyes shown a dark crimson, while the other's appeared deep and black.
The only sounds in the room were the clickity-clack of laptop keys, the various beeps and such from the DS, the clink of dice tapping together as they were stacked, and the munching and slurping that usually accompanied snack time. It was a peaceful scene, indeed. Well, until…
"So…" Mello began. "Where the hell are we anyway?"
Matt barely glanced up from his game. "Looks like Whammy's."
"I know that!" Mello snapped, irritably.
"Well, then, why did you ask?" Matt smirked.
"It can't be Whammy's." Near decided from his spot on the floor. "None of us have set foot in Winchester in ages."
"I believe there's a ninety-nine percent chance we're in some sort of afterlife." L reasoned. "Then again there is a one percent chance we're just in a crack fic written by some deranged fangirl."
"Afterlife?" B asked, leaning back to slurp up the last of the jam from his jar. "Hmm. So did you all go to Hell, or did I somehow get to Heaven?"
"Most likely neither." L replied simply, taking a bite of his cake. "Apparently Whammy's House owned our souls, so that when we died, we returned here."
"That's worse than winding up in Hell." Mello grumbled. He savagely tore a hunk from his chocolate bar, chewing slowly as he mulled over things.
L took another bite from his cake, which seemed to be getting o smaller as he ate. He then made an interested "Hmm."
"What is it?" B asked, craning his neck to see what the older detective was looking at.
"Fanfics." L commented. "About us, it seems."
"Fanfics?" Near repeated with a frown. "I hope they're not Yaoi."
"They are." B said with an odd little laugh. "All of them." He continued to read over L's shoulder. "It looks like Mello bottoms a lot."
"What the hell?" Mello roared, jumping to his feet and rushing over to look as well. "I am no body's Uke, damn it!"
"According to popular consensus, you're Matt's." L countered before choking on a bite of cake. "I, however, would never be Uke!" He shot a glare at B. "Especially not for you."
B smirked triumphantly. "Apparently I bested you at something."
"That's not important."Mello snapped. "I am not Matt's Uke. He's my slave. I say jump, and he says how high! He gets me freaking chocolate whenever I damn well demand it! What about that screams Uke?!"
Matt snorted from his seat. "Well, I always was the more masculine of the two of us, Mels…"
"Shut up, Matt!" Mello glared at his friend. "Or I'll shoot that stupid game of yours."
"You shot my last DS. You really need to stop that!"
"Apparently Matt's quite the Seme." L continued. "He even tops with Near." He then snickered a little. "But don't worry Mello, you are Seme with Near too."
"Wait, you mean I'm Uke for...for...those two?" Near looked perfectly disgusted. "That can't be! I'm the top student."
"Oh, come on, you were just there to make the pedophiles happy." Mello retorted. "How else can you explain the fact that you always looked twelve?"
"I'm an adult now!" Near snapped.
"You bloody well don't look it!" Mello retorted.
While the two younger argued, the two older seated in front of the laptop continued to argue as well.
"You are not my Seme." L said with a glare.
"Of course I am." B replied. "They say so." He added, poking the screen.
"If you're Seme, they why exactly are you called 'Backup'?" The tone of L's voice hinted at something B really didn't like. "It sounds like a very Uke name to me."
"Take it back, Lawliet." He growled. He grabbed at the previously empty jar of jam all anger fading when he noticed it was full once more. "That's odd…"
L was saved any sort of response when Mello snatched away his laptop and began looking through the fanfics. "Ha!" The leather clad blonde exclaimed happily. "Here, look Matt, this one says I'm Seme!"
Matt set down his game, and moved over to look. "I still say they're wrong; I'd have to be Seme. My name is "Mail" For crying out loud. It doesn't get more masculine sounding then that!"
"You're names the same as the freaking post, you idiot." Mello glared. "Nothing masculine about it…unlike a leather wearing Mafia boss!"
"You mean a Dominatrix Mafia Princess?" B asked with a snicker. "Besides, Mihael could very well be a girl's name too…No one even knows the proper way to pronounce the bloody thing."
"Shut the hell up, Backup!" Mello glared before grumbling. "God, I freaking hate that guy!"
"According to this fic," Matt pointed at the screen. "You like him…a lot. Enough to bottom."
"I still don't see why I'm the bloody Uke." Near said, knocking over his dice tower, and starting to rebuild it again. "I lived the longest…must mean I'm the best."
"It's obvious why you're Uke." B shook his head as he ate his jam. "You're the smallest physically, would most likely look adorable in drag...although Mello might have the hips for it…" He snickered at the glares being shot at him. "Not to mention you've got the most boring real name. Seriously, nothing fun like ours, Nate."
Near opened his mouth to speak, but stopped. "What? That didn't even make sense."
"You know..." L commented absently, as he ate his everlasting cake. "I believe there is a fifty percent chance this is a crack fic." However, his observation went unnoticed.
Mello was still involved in his argument with Near and Matt. "You are not the bloody Seme, Matt, so drop it!"
"And why the hell not?" Matt asked, glaring at his best friend.
"You only got two freaking lines!" Mello pointed out, exasperatedly. "And then you died. Dead as a dormouse! I'm sure you have to be in it longer than that to be a Seme."
"Ah, but my fanbase is largest, and all those girls can't be wrong." Matt said with a smirk.
"Sure they can." Near imputed. "I mean, Light and Mikami have large fanbases, after all."
The door to the room opened, and a certain auburn haired mass murderer entered the room. "What about me and Mikami?" He asked before looking around. "He's not here, is he?" He added, a look of fear n his eyes. "Freaky stalker…"
L tilted his head, looking at the young Yagami lad. "Light-kun died and went to Winchester as well?" He asked.
"Winchester?" Light repeated. "I thought this was Hell…"
"Close enough." The room's inhabitants mumbled in unison,
"So, what is this about me and Mikami? "Light tried again. He then looked at B and L. "Are you sure this isn't Hell? I mean, there are two Ls…"
L glared at him. "There is only one L, Light-kun."
"No, Kira's right." B said with a smirk, rubbing his head against L in a cat-like manner. "It's spelled with two Ls…me and you…"
"That's quite enough, Beyond." L said coldly.
"Oh, you know you like it, Lawli." B sat back up and crossed his arms with a huff.
"Look, as amusing as this is, why were you talking about me and Mikami?" Light demanded with a glare.
"Matt thinks having a large fanbase makes him Seme." Mello explained.
"It does." Light nodded smugly. "Take me, for instance. I'd never be Uke."
"That's not what these fanfics say." Matt poked at the laptop screen. "Looks like you're L's 'girlfriend'."
"I am not!" Light glared. "He'd obviously be my Uke. I'm much manlier."
"No, you're much more foppish." L snapped ack. "Besides, Light-kun, I would be Seme over you."
"And what makes you say that?" The young mass murderer asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Well, L did chain you to him…not the other way around…" Mello pointed out.
"And L totally whipped you when you two fought." Matt added. "I mean total Pwnage."
"He did not, that fight was a tie." Light argued. "And we were chained together; he was as chained to me as I was to him."
"If Kira wishes to think so…" L mumbled, eating his cake and missing his pilfered laptop.
"I'm not Kira!" Light denied.
"Yes you are!" The rest of the room bellowed.
"Oh…yeah...I guess it was just a force of habit to deny it…"
"Besides, he dragged you around on that chain like a lot little puppy." Near added. "Totally an Uke thing to let someone else do that."
"And you'd know, being our Uke." Mello said, motioning to himself and Matt.
"I am not!" The pale child protested.
"Either way, out of everyone here, I'm Seme. It just makes the most sense that way." L said with a decided look. "I'm the smartest, the oldest, and—"
"The most perverted?" Light supplied.
"I am not a pervert!" L pouted. "Why does everyone keep saying that?"
"Yes you are." B countered. "I've seen you eat bananas."
"And you were the one with the bondage kink." Mello added. "I mean the chain and all…"
"That's the pot calling the kettle black, don't you think, Mels?" Matt asked, causing the rest of the room to snicker.
"Screw the DS, I'm shooting you!" Mello growled, digging through his pockets for a moment before frowning . "Damn, no gun…"
"Thank God…" Matt leaned back with a sigh. "In a way, guys, L's right…he is our Seme."
"How do you figure?" Mello asked, getting over his pout fit rather quickly.
"Well, we grew up idolizing him, right?" Matt pointed out, and the others nodded. "All tried to be him. Quit shaking your head 'no', Yagami, you took over his freaking title, you wanted it as bad as we did."
"Same goes for you B." L observed. "You copied everything, but you're still just a copy. None of you could ever surpass the original." He added with a smirk.
"If you weren't already dead, I'd kill you…" Light and B said in unison before glaring at each other.
Matt shook his head. "As I was saying, L is obviously the most Seme." He then grinned. "But after him, I'd be."
As the argument raged once more, Light shook his head. "You guys are all nuts, I'm getting out of here." He turned to leave.
B got an evil smirk before calling out after him. "Delete! Kami-sama! Delete!" In his best Mikami impersonation. "Sakujo…"
"Oh God, he found me!" Light's eyes widened and his face paled as he bolted from the room. B dissolved into hysterical giggles on the couch next to L.
L shook his head. "I've changed my mind."
"And agree to be my Uke?" B asked once he finally recovered from his giggle fit.
"No…" L watched as Mello, Matt and Near continued to argue. "There is a one percent chance this is some sort of afterlife, and a ninety-nine percent chance this is a crack fic."
THE END!
AN: I hope no one was horribly offended by any of my odd jokes. I can't help my disturbed sense of humor. I personally have nothing against any of the pairings mentioned above. I am of the firm opinion that any Whammy's love is a good thing. Also, no offense to anyone who lives in or likes Winchester. I've never been there myself, so I sort of went for what seemed funny at the time Anyway please review and tell me what you thought of this odd piece of crack.
And out of curiosity, who do YOU think would be Seme? Scottie and I have an ongoing argument between L and Light, hence Light's brief appearance, but I'm curious to see what you guys think.