AN: Okay, so this is pure, cracky fun. Basically everyone is OOC but that's like half the fun. It's in Season 2, just fyi:) enjoy this delicious cracked filled, spider topped, ridiculousness.
Spider Antics
"EEEEEEEEH HEEEEELLLPPP," Stefan shrieked from the Salvatore's kitchen. Damon dashed into the room, certain something terrible had happened, only to find a truly ridiculous sight before him. Elena had one leg wrapped around Stefan's waist and one over his shoulder, clinging to his back with a white, terrified face. Stefan, on the other hand, was perched precariously on the kitchen counter, one hand pressed to the tiled counter to balance them, and the other wielding a wooden spoon, warding off their attacker.
A tiny, black spider, about the size of a quarter, glared up at the frantic duo from the floor, menacingly. For a moment, all Damon could do is glance between the spider on the floor and the ridiculous twosome perched so precariously on the kitchen counter. And then he began to laugh. He laughed so hard that he fell over and barely caught himself. He held himself up by his forearms and laughed hysterically, his whole body shaking with mirth.
"You...called…me…in…here…to…save…you…from…a…spider?" he choked out through his laughter. Elena let out an indignant huff, clearly annoyed with him, despite her terror.
"This is not funny, Damon! It could be poisonous," she hissed, tightening her grip on Stefan's waist, barely glancing at the terrifying creature on the ground. Spiders were the stuff of nightmares, nothing in the world could convince Elena otherwise. "Just get rid of it!" her voice rising to a shriek at the end. Damon could only bark out a hysterical laugh, he almost choked on his saliva, but he managed to rein himself in barely.
"You heard her, Damon, get rid of it," Stefan begged, his voice high and pained. He really, really didn't like spiders, they made his skin crawl. But Stefan's begging only made Damon laugh harder.
"Dude, you're immortal!" he gasped, pounding his fists against the floor, his face wet with tears.
"What is going on in here?" Caroline demanded, striding into the room. Damon could only wave his arm at her; his laughter had overcome his ability to speak. She turned to the duo on the counter and raised an eyebrow.
Meekly, Elena pointed at the spider on the kitchen floor. "There's a spider, Care, please get rid of it," she begged. Stefan peeled his eyes away from the evil minion of darkness long enough to meet Caroline's eye and nod in solemn agreement.
Caroline looked at them, taken aback, wondering if they were really serious. After taking in their terrified, white faces, she came to the conclusion that there was only one thing to do. Dropping to the floor next to Damon, Caroline proceeded to howl with laughter.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Elena yelped in frustration. Didn't anyone care that there was a freaking spider on the floor that could bite her at any time? She could die!
Caroline slapped her palm against the floor and giggled, looking over at Damon in joined mirth. "He's a motherfucking vampire! Most powerful predator!" she choked out between her laughter.
"I hate you both!" Elena shrieked at an impossible decibel. Her legs were starting to go numb, but she was too terrified to move from her awkward position wrapped around Stefan.
"Me too!" Stefan added, waving the wooden spoon in their direction, furious that no one had gotten rid of the tiny demon of hell, and also terrified that it might move forward and, oh god, touch him.
"What the hell is going on?" Katherine's smooth voice drawled from the doorway. Elena shifted her legs until she was above Stefan's head, relieved to see her girlfriend.
"Katherine, thank god! There's a spider on the floor and Damon and Caroline won't get rid of it, they just keep laughing at us, and please, I need you to get rid of the creepy little bastard!" Elena babbled almost incoherently, her terror evident in her speech and on her face.
Katherine glances at the duo on the floor, shaking with laughter, and the duo on the counter, terrified, and utterly ridiculous. She rolled her eyes, and moved toward the spider. She raised her shoe to crush it, but Elena stopped her.
"Wait!" she yelped. Katherine stopped, looked at her girlfriend, and raised her eyebrow in a silent question. "Don't kill it, " she said sheepishly. "Can you please get a jar and paper and put it outside?" she questioned innocently. Katherine could only roll her eyes.
"Sure, baby, I can do that," she said, unusually agreeable. Stepping over Caroline's shaking form, she pulled a jar out of the cupboard, and slid a piece of paper with the Salvatore's shopping list on it off of the counter. Walking back toward the spider that was causing so much commotion, she captured it, and stood to leave.
"Thank you, Kat," Elena said sheepishly, slipping off of Stefan and settling onto the counter. Katherine only gave her an affectionate, but exasperated look before she left the room with the spider. Stefan finally relaxed and dropped the wooden spoon on the counter, sat down next to Elena and shuddered. Finally, the creepy-crawling son-of-a-bitch was gone!
On the floor, Caroline and Damon had finally calmed down, sitting up and wiping tears and saliva from their faces, still occasionally giggling at the ridiculous antics of Stefan and Elena. How did Elena get one leg around Stefan's waist, and the other over his shoulder? And how did he possibly get on top of the counter with her wrapped all around him?
Katherine returned to the room and when Elena reached out her arms, she gladly went to her. Elena wrapped her arms around Katherine's neck, and then folded her long legs around her waist. Leaning forward, Elena captured Katherine's lip in a sweet kiss. Katherine deepened it with a swipe of her tongue. Finally Elena pulled back, leaning her forehead against Katherine's.
"Thank you," Elena whispered sweetly. Katherine rolled her eyes and smirked at her affectionately.
"Just call me your knight in stiletto pumps," she quipped saucily. Elena grinned at her.
"Yes ma'am," she shot back. She leaned back against the cupboard behind her and unwound her arms from Katherine's neck, casually picking up the wooden spoon that Stefan had dropped. With one last affectionate look toward Katherine, Elena unwound her legs from her waist, hopped off the counter, and slammed the head of the wooden spoon down on Damon's dark hair.
"Ooow!" he howled. "What was that for?" he whined, rubbing his head. She glared at him as he stood up, meeting her eyes in disbelief.
"That, Damon Salvatore, was for laughing at me," she informed him, glaring intently. Then she swung the wooden spoon in an arc, landing another blow on his shoulder. He opened his eyes wide, suddenly terrified. He looked down at his shoulder, and then back at Elena, she met his eyes with a passive look. He dashed out of the room, and she ran after him, screaming like a wild woman.
Katherine only shook her head in amusement; sometimes they acted like such children. Caroline had pulled herself to her feet, and was casually drinking a glass of blood while Stefan was still perched on the counter. Katherine crossed her arm and stared at him.
"Stefan Salvatore, you behaved ridiculously, you should be ashamed of yourself," she informed him sternly. He opened his mouth to protest, but she cut him off with a single look. "Elena is a human, it's perfectly understandable for her to be afraid of a spider, it could actually kill her," she began, warming up for a lecture.
"But you are an immortal vampire, and it is absolutely ludicrous for you to be afraid of a tiny spider that can't hurt you in any way, shape, or form," she told him, glaring at him.
"But-" he started, wanting to explain that spiders were terrifying evil little things that were trying to take over the world, but once again, she cut him off.
"I don't want to hear it. You need to think about what happened today, and realize that you need to face your absolutely baseless fear," she finished firmly. Caroline giggled into her hand, but stopped when Katherine gave her a look.
Elena and Damon skidded back into the room, both of them grinning. Clearly they made up. Elena was still clutching the wooden spoon, but it was broken almost clean in half. Elena's gaze zeroed in on Caroline and she thrust the spoon into Damon's arms.
"You!" Elena declared loudly, glaring at Caroline. "You laughed at me, you horrible, horrible, friend!" Caroline looked almost guilty, as she slowly inched away from the counter and her glass of blood. Without further ado, Elena launched herself at Caroline, tackling her to the ground. Shocked, Caroline didn't move even when Elena locked her into a headlock.
But when she began to tickle her, Caroline squirmed and shrieked, horrified at her predicament. "Say you're sorry!" Elena yelled. Caroline squirmed and writhed, desperate to get out of Elena's hold, but too careful of her friend's human frailty to actually dislodge her.
"Elennnnaaa, please stop!" Caroline begged, giggling miserably. There was nothing that Caroline hated more than being tickled.
"Not until you say you're sorry!" Elena insisted, skating her fingers all along Caroline's sides, knowing exactly the right spots to hit. Caroline squirmed and whimpered, still unwilling to apologize.
Amused, Damon, Stefan, and Katherine watched the two friends on the ground. Despite Caroline's superior strength and height, it was clear that Elena was winning.
"Fiiiiiinnne," Caroline whined. "I'm sorry for laughing at you, now please stop!" Satisfied, Elena unwrapped her arm from Caroline's neck and pulled herself off the ground, offering her hand to her blonde friend. Caroline glared at her for a second before smiling and taking her hand. The two friends hugged, and all was forgiven.
Damon turned to his brother and gave him a half smirk. Stefan could only groan, another lecture? "Stefan, as your big brother, it is my duty to tell you that you acted like an idiot today," he began, and Stefan groaned even louder. Elena moved until she was standing behind Damon, and then screwed up her face into a ridiculous expression, making Stefan smile.
"It's more afraid of you, than you are of it," Damon said, and Elena lolled her tongue out of her mouth, rolling her eyes back into her head. It took everything in Stefan not to start laughing right then and there. Katherine glared at Elena and then moved toward her. Elena's eyes got comically wide, and then she dashed out of the room, with Katherine on her heels. Stefan sighed and resigned himself to Damon's lecture.
After Damon's speech, they cleaned up the kitchen, throwing away the broken wooden spoon, and putting the jar back where it came from. Caroline poured Damon a glass of blood, and eventually Elena and Katherine returned, looking thoroughly satisfied and completely rumpled.
Much later, Elena, Stefan, and Katherine were seated around the rarely used kitchen table in the Salvatore's boarding house. Elena and Stefan have a giant bowl of ice cream between them, and they both dip their spoons in, fighting over the best spoonfuls of ice cream, whipped cream, cherries, and butterscotch syrup.
"There is no better comfort food than ice cream," Elena informed Stefan solemnly. He pressed his lips together and nodded in equally solemn agreement.
"Especially after the traumatizing ordeal we went through today," he added, stealing a cherry out from under Elena's spoon. Elena huffed, but nodded along.
"You guys are ridiculous," Katherine laughed, lounging in her chair next to Elena. The duo shot her a playful glare, and she only smirked at them.
"You're just jealous because you don't get any ice cream," Elena taunted, putting her spoon in her mouth and licking it clean. A bit of chocolate ice cream stuck to the tip of her nose and Katherine grinned wickedly.
"Who says?" she countered, leaning forward to lap the ice cream off of Elena's nose, causing the human girl to squeal in indignant delight. Stefan laughed at them as Katherine pulled back, giving Elena a saucy grin.
AN: So yeah, pure cracky ridiculousness. I hope you all enjoyed.
Xoxo
-PiXie