i wonder
i wonder
do you ever think about what could have been?
if you'd made a different choice, just one time.
what if you'd gone left, instead of right?
how things might have changed…
i wonder
would you be mine? ...instead of his.
if i had told you, i need you, what would you have said?
would you have gotten on that plane
would you have gone to him, or would you be mine?
i wonder
She hadn't realized, when she picked up the discarded paper from his apartment floor, that it would change everything.
But it had.
She thought back, let the memories of that day come back to her. He'd appeared at her apartment door, a look of apprehension on his face. Now, she knew why. What would she have said?
"JJ, hey. Sorry about that. Since I decided to go ahead and get my Psychology PhD I've been scrambling to get all of the paperwork in order… JJ? Are you even listening to me? Is everything ok?"
His rambling was cut short as he noticed her tense… and then noticed the crumpled piece of paper in her hands. He knew immediately just what it was that she had found. And probably read.
"Oh."
His suspicions were confirmed when she turned to him, a look of hurt and confusion across her face.
"Spence…"
He pleaded with her, "JJ...I can explain." This couldn't be happening. Not like this. Not now.
"What...what is this? Actually, no. No. I know what this is. How long have you felt like this? How long, Spence?"
There was something about her tone that stopped him from avoiding her questions.
"It's just something I wrote Jayje. I just...I was working on that application essay, the one I told you about? And for some reason, it just...It was something I had to get out. I never meant for this to happen JJ. I never meant for you to see it."
He couldn't look at her as he said it. Couldn't bear the look of hurt she wore, or the awkwardness that had settled between them.
She only shook her head. "How long Spence?" He hadn't answered the right question. The one that could change everything.
"Since just after Georgia."
His eyes locked with hers at that, could only watch as she staggered, her hands grasping behind her as she slumped to his sofa.
"You never said anything. You never did...or even hinted that you felt this way Reid."
Reid. Somehow the use of his last name, when it was just the two of them, cut him deeper than anything else. As if she were distancing herself from him. Making it less personal.
Yet, he found himself thinking, How could this be any more personal?
"I've always cared about you JJ. From the moment I met you, I knew that you were different. You were my friend - and that meant more to me than you'll ever know. But somewhere along the way, my feelings for you began to change."
He sighed, shoulders rising and falling, yet the rest of him remained unmoving.
"After Georgia, and what Hankel did to me, I tried not to give in…"
His words shook something free inside of her, causing emotion to well up inside of her, forcing her shake her head. "Spence, don't…don't do that to yourself." The conviction in her words strengthened him, and his resolve to finally share one of his only secrets he'd ever kept from her.
"I know JJ. Now, after all this time, I know. In the end, what I faced, it was Hankel's fault. But I should have been stronger. I should have asked for help. Instead, I was too afraid. I thought...well I thought it would change the way you saw me. And your friendship was so important to me JJ. Even then. In the end, I couldn't risk losing that - losing you."
"Yes, that night I had gone to your place thinking I might be brave enough to say something. But I didn't. And that's not your fault. You didn't know."
Neither knew what to say, after his confession. They remained motionless, him standing before her, and JJ unmoving on the sofa.
Suddenly, a wave of shudders echoed through her, and if it weren't for the absolute silence that shrouded them, he may not have heard her whispered regret. "I could have helped you. I could have stopped it. If only I would have looked. But I was so caught up in running away...I'm so sorry Spence. I'm so sorry."
He fell to his knees before her, vigorously shaking his head, as he took both of her hands in one of his and lifted her chin making her look at him with the other. "No. JJ, listen to me. Don't do that to yourself. Looking back - I think that experience changed me - " at her look, he rushed on, "It changed me for the better. It made me take stock of my life, and the people in it, it made me grow up. It made me stronger."
She smiled at that, a small smile that just barely lifted the corner of her lips, but made her eyes shine. Shaking her head, she refuted him, "You're wrong Spence. What you experienced with Tobias Hankel and the dilaudid, that's not what made you strong. You survived because you were already strong. It just took that experience for you to realize it about yourself."
They sat there in silence, hands clasped for endless moments, when something occurred to JJ.
"I do... wonder sometimes, I mean. I wonder what my life would be like if things were different. If maybe what we'd had before...before Georgia, and New Orleans, would have become more. Because I cared about you too Spence. You were unlike anyone I'd ever known before. You intrigued me. The more I came to know about you, I was mesmerized. After everything you had gone through as a boy - you still managed to become a man that believed in doing the right thing. You were sweet, and goofy, and yes, a little weird - but you never treated me like I was something to be won. I was just JJ. And that endeared you to me, from the start."
His heart clenched at her words. So many lost chances. Maybe it's time. Maybe it's finally our time. Lacing their fingers together, Spence stood up, pulling her to her feet to stand before him.
He moved slowly, giving her time to stop him. But she didn't. Instead she moved closer, head tilted just the tiniest bit, and brushed his nose with hers, the barest hint of a smile on her lips.
In that moment, the world fell away as he kissed that smile from her lips.
i wonder
if one day we'll get our chance
my heart is yours, if only you saw
you're my heaven and my hell
the sweetest torture my heart knows
i wonder if you know that i love you, and always will.
a/n: I hope you enjoyed this one. I hit a bit of a writer's block on several of the CM fics I have started - and this is what came out as I tried writing through that. Be on the lookout for JJ & Reid's first lunch date at the Butterfly Lounge (hopefully) sometime soon! Until next time.