I am about to graduate from high school. Big deal. At least, according to Charlie and everyone else around me, it is. I don't really care though. What good are "huge" accomplishments if your life has no meaning anyhow? The only thing that gets me out of bed every day, besides the obvious of pretending to be alright for everyone else's sake, is my song writing. Nothing works as a muse like being rejected, abandoned, and tricked into giving everything to someone. Yeah, I hate him. Wait, no, that is not the right sentiment. It is something more along the lines of despise. Sadly, though, no matter how much I despise him, I also still love him. I will always love him. I am battered and broken, and I will never recover. I was ready to give up everything to be with him, and he didn't want me. He lured me into his little fantasy world, used me, then spat me out and walked away. He took his whole family with him. He took my family with him. My adopted mother and father, my crazy brothers, my sister who I knew did not entirely like me but was my sister none the less, and my best friend. I really do miss Alice... sometimes I think I miss her more than the jerk. Sometimes. Then again, she left me too. Even if it was his reasons, she still left. I really don't understand why they did this to me. Why would they trick me like that? I didn't do anything, besides move to this God-forsaken town to try to make my mother's life better. He should have killed me and had my precious blood all those times he had the chance. He should have let Tyler's van smash me. But he kept me alive so he could toy with me, to entertain him, to be one of his precious distractions. I will never forgive him for this. He has destroyed me; taken everything from me; he has murdered me. All this I keep inside. I hang out with a few "close" friends, and do all the right things for Charlie so he thinks that I am recovered. We don't talk about what happened immediately after. I know I hurt Charlie with my behavior, or lack there of. I am still trying to gain back all the weight I lost, but I doubt it will ever all come back. I am going to be moving into Seattle in a few weeks, in anticipation of 'attending college.' Angela convinced me to move into an apartment with her while she attends college there. I don't see the point in going, though Charlie thinks I am. Angela doesn't understand what is going on, but she still acts like I am going to college too. Really, I am just trying to get out of here. Charlie tried to send me to live with Renee, but I refused. At the time, I couldn't let myself leave. I had to be here, to know that he existed. Now, I just want out of here. I can't even look Charlie in the eye anymore, Jessica and Lauren get their laughs at my pitiful expense, and Jacob is still convinced that we will end up together. I can't stand to be here anymore. I can barely deal with the pain anymore. I need a new outlet for it.
I figured out that I had a knack for writing music 2 months ago. Sure, I suffer for it every night, but oh well. It is the only thing that helps me get through the day, besides the cutting. I have a few on my arms, but those are easily ignored given how clumsy I am. My stomach, chest, pelvis, and thighs, on the other hand, are harder to explain. Luckily, it is rarely shorts and tank top weather around here. When it is, I just don't wear them. I am the only one who sees them, so it doesn't matter. Like I said, I am damaged. Jacob is very supportive of my song writing, though he still wonders where it came from. Truthfully, it came when the cutting stopped fully sedating me. In his view, all of a sudden I was a musical prodigy. Jacob and Sam had the guitar skills to accompany me, Embry played the drums, and Quil played the bass. I was a little wary of Sam at first, but eventually, I let my guard down with him. I am sure Jacob talked to him, but he is still haunted by the image of me the night he found me in the woods. The night I was abandoned. I still do not fully understand why that night is so horrible for him, though I think it has to do with Leah. I cannot imagine what any of the pack would do if they knew I cut myself. Sam has his suspicions about my arms, but everyone else brushes it off. I almost got caught last week, when Sam and Jacob made a surprise visit. I was in the bathroom, covering up the cuts, when I heard a knock. I quickly finished and went to get it. They smelled the blood as soon as I opened the door, and were none too happy. I eventually convinced them it was nothing, but they are still wary about it. Most of the pack wanted to come see me graduate, even though I don't really want to go to the ceremony. I am desperate to get out of this hell hole, and trying to pretend to be that happy all day will take its toll on me. I knew I couldn't cut before the ceremony- Sam and Jacob were riding with me and Charlie. I couldn't risk it, so I decided to write instead. I was particularly spiteful and vindictive today; I should be walking across the stage with that asshole, and I should be getting ready to spend my life, nay, change my life, with him. My moods certainly take hold of my songs, though the crowds at the few gigs we have played seemed to have enjoyed the blend. Some are down and depressed, others are all out hateful. Today, I am still here, and will be broken till the day I die. Then the muse started singing to me, and the words flowed freely. Cold (But I'm Still Here) Originally by Evans Blue Hello, I'm your martyr, will you be my gangster Can you feel my trigger hand, moving further down your back When you hide, hide inside that body But just remember that when I touch you The more you shake, the more you give away
Cold, but I'm still here, blind, 'cause I'm so blind, say never We're far from comfortable this time Cold, now we're so cold, mine, and you're not mine, say never We're far from obvious this time Wait, another minute here, time will kill us after all Now can you feel its second hand wrapped around your neck So fall into my eyes and fall into my lies But don't you forget The more you turn away, the more I want you to stay Cold, but I'm still here, blind, 'cause I'm so blind, say never We're far from comfortable this time Cold, now we're so cold, mine, and you're not mine, say never We're far from obvious this time You're so endearing, you're so beautiful, Well I don't look like they do, and I don't love like they do But I don't hate like they do Am I ever on your mind? Cold, but I'm still here, blind, 'cause I'm so blind, say never We're far from comfortable this time Cold, now we're so cold, mine, and you're not mine, say never We're far from obvious this time Cold, you broke me from the very first night I'd love you 'til the day that I die We're far too comfortable this time Cold, I loved you from the very first night You broke me 'til the day that I die I'm far too obvious this time As soon as I had the lyrics down, I shoved them in my desk and went to take a shower. The tears would fall freely soon, and in the shower, no one could see them. I had to get a hold of myself; Jacob and Sam would be here in less than an hour. I decided to curl my hair for the ceremony and put on some make up. I was slowly changing to the Goth type look, but had to be careful or Charlie would get involved. I put on a dark blue eye shadow and liner and some glitter on my cheeks. Angela and I picked out a new outfit for the ceremony, which would double for gigs. I wore a mid-thigh length red skirt with a black lace overlay with a matching black and red corset-type top. I cinched the strings on the top, drawing attention to my chest. It was subtle, but it was there none the less. The thing I loved the most about the top was I could pull them further, to draw more attention when I wanted to. I also wore my favorite knee high boots, and I changed the laces to red ones to match my outfit. I knew the asshole would never approve of my dressing this way, and so I do it. I can't
Wait until I am living on my own- my full "change" will occur then. I already have my belly button pierced, but I plan to get several more piercing. I also have two tattoos right now- one is on my left butt cheek that is a heart with a paw in the middle. I got that for Jacob- he saved me and helped me out of my dark period after the asshole left me. We aren't dating, and I can't see Jacob that way, but he is my best friend. He is my protector now. He tried to act unsure about going, but I knew he would enjoy it. My other tattoo is in the dead center of my back and is a very ornate looking sun. It was Sam's graduation gift to me. I got this pattern because the sun is the one place I can hide from the asshole. The one defense I will have if he ever decides to show his pitiful face to me again. I despise him, but I am still not over him. He is present in every thought I have, in every action I make. He is still in control of me, and it makes me hate him even more. I have nightmares about him every night; over and over I hear him telling me he doesn't want me anymore, that I am not good enough for him, and that he is a god and I am a weak, insignificant human distraction. Jacob saved me, but I know Sam understands better how I feel. He has really been there for me, sometimes I think more than Jake. Jake is there for me, but that is partly because he wants to be my boyfriend. I am not ready for that, though, nor do I think I ever will be. I have become close with Emily as well; we spend a lot of afternoons together while the pack is off doing rounds. I have a strong support system, and it helps me hide the pain and pretend like things are alright, but I am still just as dead as the day he left. Sam knows this, and sees this. Jacob is able to look past it a lot. The songs help me deal with the pain as well, and are the main reason the band sings them, they know how much it helps me. I have written 8 songs since he left; the one I started today will be number 9. They are all inspired by the asshole, and are all "dedicated" to him: To the 'man' who destroyed me, lied to me, and left me for dead; this is what I have become. One day, I might forget it like he said, but I doubt it. The pain hurts just as strongly as the day he left. I went back into my room to finish getting ready, and soon heard a quiet knock on the door. "Come in," I said, thinking it was Charlie. Sam walked in, holding a beautifully wrapped box. I gave him a questioning look, since he had already given me a gift. "It's from me and Emily, though she picked it out." He said, noticing my look. I opened it to find a recording kit for my computer, which would let me record demos of all our music. I didn't know what to say, so I just stared at it instead. It really meant a lot to me that Emily would do this for me; she knew how much I wanted to be able to get more gigs and let people know about us. I wanted my songs to get out there; somehow, I needed them to be heard by others. "Thanks," I said, as the tears started to well up. Sam laughed and gave me a big hug.
"Congratulations, Bells! I know it was hard for you, and I know you don't want to go to the ceremony and all that, but I am proud of you. You deserve to walk across that stage today, and get your recognition. Emily is sorry she couldn't come, but she is visiting some family and finalizing wedding plans today." He told me, a big smile on his face as he talked about the love of his life. It did make me sad that Sam was so devoted to Emily. Sure, he had broken Leah's heart, but now they had each other and were undeniably happy. It was a happiness I don't think I will ever have again. I smiled at him and hugged him tighter, and went to my closet to get my cap and gown. "Bells, it's time to go! Jake's here and you have to be there in 15 minutes!" Charlie yelled up the stairs. Great, I thought. The good thing about the small school, though, is that the ceremony won't last too long. Sam and I went downstairs, and Charlie took a few pictures before we left. It was a pretty silent car ride; I was thinking up music to go with my lyrics, and Charlie was looking nervous and sad that his only daughter was about to go off on her own. I think Sam and Jake knew I was working on a song; they say I get a certain look about me when I am in music mode. They left me alone as a result. When we got to the school, Charlie dropped us off and went to park. He told me he would find me after the ceremony. Jake and Sam walked with me to the grads area, then gave me hugs again and went to get seats. Everything else passed in a daze; I spent the majority of the ceremony trying to come up with the perfect tune for my lyrics. I ignored most of Jessica's rambling as well; I knew she hated me anyhow for how I acted after he left and for the whole Port Angeles thing; she was only getting caught up in the nostalgia. After the ceremony, Angela, Ben, their families and Charlie, Jake, Sam and I all went into Port Angeles for a celebration dinner. Unknowingly, Ben had suggested the restaurant the asshole and I had eaten at that time he saved me, but Angela quickly saved me. We went to a Mediterranean place instead, which was fantastic. Afterwards, we all went back to Angela's to watch movies and hang out. I ended up falling asleep over there, much to my dismay. This meant people would be around when the dreams came. Sure enough, I woke up screaming, covered in sweat and trembling. Jake immediately picked me up and held me in his arms, letting me shake. I went through this every night, though I usually woke up alone. I could see the apprehension in Ben's eyes; he really was not so sure Angela should move in with me. She gave him a reassuring look and squeezed his shoulder before getting me a wet wash cloth. "It's OK Bells, nothing is going to happen to you. I've got you." Jake whispered in my ear. It didn't help. Something had already happened, and it still haunted me. Luckily, Sam picked up on that fact from the look on my face. I think it reminded him of the night he found me in the woods.
"Umm, Jake, it already did... she relives that night...every night of her life..." Sam slowly told Jake. I could tell it hurt Sam to actually form the words, and I felt Jake's shoulders fall a little. I knew how much I was hurting them, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't get over the asshole, and I grew more hateful of him and his family every day. I saw much needed understanding fill Ben's eyes; everyone thought Edward was just a crush, but Ben was beginning to understand how desperately I loved him. Angela came back with a cold cloth and wiped the sweat off my forehead and gave me some water to drink. "Sorry," I mumbled, as my face started to flush. She just shrugged and smiled. "It's fine, Bella, I promise. And after we move in together, if I have to do this every night, I will. I want to help you. You don't deserve this pain, and I want to try to help you any way I can." I nodded at her and laid my head on Jake's chest, afraid to close my eyes again. Unfortunately, I was exhausted, and fell back asleep pretty quickly. The major dreams did stay away though, with just small glimpses of things poking through. I woke up in the morning, curled in Jake's arms. He was still asleep, so I just snuggled in closer and stayed there. I knew that I shouldn't have stayed like that, it would only lead him on, but I needed him. Sam was right next to us; I knew he was staying there in case I woke up screaming again. I felt horrible for that, but it is what I go through every night. As I lay there in Jake's warm arms, thinking about the nightmares, a tune came to me. It was not what I was looking for for the lyrics I already written, but I knew that I could easily make up lyrics for this one. The music was what usually took me the longest, and given the rough night and the level of detail in the nightmare I had, I knew I could get lyrics quickly. I rehearsed the tune over and over in my head, making sure I didn't forget it. Finally, Jake woke up and I grabbed some paper and wrote down the tune while I was in the bathroom getting ready for the day. After spending the morning with Ben and Angela, Sam, Jake and I headed back to Charlie's. Jake had to go do rounds, but Sam said he would stay with me. He knew I was in no condition to be left on my own, so we sat on the couch and watched TV for awhile. I spent time trying to figure out the tune to my song from yesterday, until finally it hit me. I raced upstairs to write it down with the lyrics, Sam following close behind. He waited till I was done, then took it and looked it over. He nodded but wouldn't look me in the eye. "Are these because of last night?" He asked, finally looking at my eyes. "No, I wrote the lyrics yesterday morning, and finally came up with the tune today." I told him. I omitted the part about already starting another song. Unfortunately, he knows me too well.
"Oh. Well, last night was worse than normal I think, so where is the song in reaction to it?" he asked, still with a sad look on his face. I was confused as to how he would know that last night's dreams were worse than the normal ones; they were much more vivid. I decided to answer his questions, then I could ask mine. "I came up with the music first this time, and have only some of the words." I told him. No use in lying anyhow; he would see right through me. He just nodded and hugged me to him. "I hate seeing you like this Bella," he told me as he kissed my hair. "You are like my little sister, and it kills me to see how devastated you are. If I ever see that filthy, bloodsucking leech again, I will make him pay for this," he vowed. I could feel the anger coming off him, but somehow, it comforted me. I nodded in his chest. "Sam, how did you know last night was worse?" I asked, still hugged to his chest. I knew Emily would not mind if Sam and I were like this- she knew he was devoted to her and had nothing to worry about. "Bella..." He started, but seemed unable to find the words to say. Just as the guilt was about to take me over, he started again. "Bells, Jake is really worried about you." "Oh... but why? And that doesn't answer my question." I reminded him. "We are always here for you Bella, and are always patrolling around your house. We hear you screaming at night... I have rarely heard you scream like you did last night, and you always seem to come up with songs or parts of songs whenever you scream like that. And..." he trailed off. I lifted my head to look at him, urging him to continue. "Well, it's just that, there have been times when we have smelled... blood..." He seemed very uneasy as he said this. "Blood?" I asked, trying to sound confused and oblivious. I knew exactly what he was referring to but wouldn't acknowledge it. "Yes, Bella, blood. We can only smell it when it is flowing freely..." I kept my face down, trying to hide my eyes so he would not see the truth in them. I knew that he suspected that I was cutting, but there was no way I would admit it. They would make me stop if I did, and I knew I couldn't stop. Everything I do now is because of the asshole; I cut myself to try to make the pain go away or to at least think of other pain; I dress how I do and get tattoos and am planning to totally change my hair so that if he ever comes back, he hopefully won't recognize me. But how do I tell this to Sam or Jake? Sam took my arm and rubbed his fingers over the scars. He pulled my chin up so I was looking at him, and I could see hurt in his eyes. I tried to turn my head but he wouldn't let me.
"Bella... please... tell me you didn't do these on purpose." I didn't say anything; I knew my voice was give me away if I did. "God, Bella... how long has this been going on for?" I shrugged, too embarrassed to say anything. "When did it start?" He asked again. "Not long after I tried to 'get better' and pretend to be moving on." I stated matter-offactly, finally able to turn my face away from him. He sat very still for a minute before turning my face to him again. "And why all the other drastic changes? The tattoos, the clothes, the plans for after you move?" I sat there for a while before I finally responded. "I hate him, I really do. But at the same time, he is still my whole world. He was my everything; I am not the same Bella anymore. That Bella has been murdered by those filthy, stinking, leeches. They eliminated that Bella when they abandoned her. But if he, or any of them for that fact, were to come back, I don't know how I would respond. If I am this new Bella, though, maybe they won't recognize me. Maybe I will get lucky and never have to see them again. I feel hate more than any other emotion now, besides depression, and it is taking its toll on me. This is who I am now, whether you or any one else likes it or not. If this Bella were to be murdered or seriously injured too, I would cease to exist all together. I just can't survive that again, and I don't want to put myself into that position." The tears started welling up when I talked about the death of the old me, and spilled over by the end. They were tears of sorrow and loss, but also of pure hate; hate that was eating me away bit by bit. Sam didn't say anything else, but just held me until the tears ran dry. Finally, he laid me down in my bed and got up. "Bells, I need to get back to La Push and check on things. Try not to think about all this too much, OK? Just get some sleep right now, then work on packing and take it easy, deal?" I nodded as he covered me up. He headed down the stairs, and I heard him howl as soon as he phased in the woods. I laid there for awhile, thinking about all that we had just talked about, despite what Sam had said. He was my soul, and it is gone. I will never hear his voice in reality again, but inside my head, it drowns out everything else. Inside my head, you are the loudest one I know. What a perfect lyric, I thought. I got up and looked at the tune I had come up with this morning while in Jake's arms until finally a full song had formed on the page in my hand.
Two songs in two days; that is certainly a record for me, and a sign that I am getting too depressed and angry again. Quote (Originally by Evans Blue) Quote, you are my soul unquote Now does that sound familiar? Kiss the girl, and make her feel this way Quote, well this is me unquote You have been so ugly your entire life So why change now? Is this how you want to go down? Right before my eyes You are the saddest sight I know You're quiet, you never make a sound But here inside my mind you are the loudest one I know Quote, we never talk unquote And that's when I don't answer Don't you dare ask why Because you don't want to know, Quote, well woe is me unquote How different I've become And no one understands, my dear, no one really cares Is this how you want to go down? Right before my eyes You are the saddest sight I know You're quiet, you never make a sound But here inside my mind you are the loudest one I know And you were right, right from the start it took everything you had, but you finally broke my... And now the old things will pass away I saw your light once Did you see mine? But not all things will pass away You turned your light off So I turned mine Away from your sadness Away from the nothing that you feel for me Is this how you want to go down? Right before my eyes you are the saddest sight I know
You're quiet, you never make a sound But here inside my mind you are the loudest one I know Quote, hey listen 'cause I'll only say this once I finally found the words That mean enough to me Goodbye my soul, unquote I crawled back in bed, staring at the lyrics, until I finally fell asleep, hopefully to not wake up screaming. Again. All of a sudden, I was pulled out of the horrible nightmare I had been having by a soothing voice and warm arms. "Bells, shh, it's alright. Wake up, honey, you are going to be fine." It was Jacob, but I had no idea where he came from. I let the sobs and shaking subside some before I finally looked at him. I saw the hurt plastered all over his face; I knew how much it hurt him to see me like this. I tried so hard to hide just how much pain I was in from everyone. But wait, why was he here, and seeing me like this? What time is it? "Jake, what are you doing here?" I asked him, a hint of reproach in my voice. "I was patrolling around here, and I heard your sobs and screams. I know you have nightmares, Bells, I hear them. But this time it just seemed so much worse." I could hear the sadness in his voice, but there seemed to be something else there too. Longing? Desire? I couldn't place it. I didn't know what to say, so I just stared straight ahead. I was willing the images of the nightmare away; in it, Edward had taken me to our meadow, slept with me, then told me that he had got what he wanted and didn't love me. He never had loved me, he only wanted me for my body, then he left me all alone in the meadow. That wonderful, glorious... No, I couldn't think of that. I tried to stop the images from flooding my mind, but I couldn't. I began to cry again; the realization that he never loved me and had used me hitting me again. Jacob's arms tightened their hold on me as I tried to stifle the sobs. Not that it mattered; Charlie didn't bother coming up anymore. It didn't matter how much I screamed or cried, he stayed away. I had grown very distant from Charlie, and Renee for that fact, ever since the asshole left me. All I wanted was to move away, be on my own. Break down and grieve when I wanted; act out and fight when I needed to. I couldn't do that here. I knew I would never get over him, and I would always love him and want him, but that really just fueled my anger and resentment towards him. Towards his whole family. Unpracticed or not, I know that the real reason Jasper was so quick to try to attack me that night was because he really didn't want me in his family. He had to of sided with Rosalie on my joining their family. They just put up with me until the asshole was no longer interested in me. And Alice... I honestly thought she was best friend and already thought of her a sister. But she loved Jasper, and she obviously sided with him when it
came to me. He didn't like me, so why should she? Even if she wanted to, his little gift would keep her from liking me. All the help against James was just a ruse, to keep me sedated until the asshole got his fill of me. Emmett was too childish to really understand and care, I think. I was fun while I was around, but I knew he wouldn't miss me. Besides, he had Rosalie. Who could care about me when they got to go bed with that every night? I fell into Esme's motherly charm too fast. She loved the asshole more than her children, I think, so of course she tolerated me while he did. I hate myself for thinking of her as a mother. And Carlisle... he was supposed to be so compassionate, but what person, short of a monster, would let his own son lead someone on as much as I had been? There was no compassion at all in his decision to let his first and favorite son do this to me. All this rushed through my mind as Jake held me. I just continued to sob and cry; I was almost inconsolable at this point. I knew it would be a bad night; I had written two songs in two days about the asshole. I knew it was a mistake, but I did it anyway. Now I am suffering for it, big time. I know he is trying to help, but Jake being here is only hurting me more. I hate hurting him like this; and I hate it even more knowing that the biggest reason it hurts because my pain is keeping me from being with him. I doubt I can ever date again because of this, and he knows I feel this way. It really had been awhile since I had a breakdown, but I knew that this was rapidly turning into one. I knew that Jake's presence was only making it worse, but at this point, I needed someone to be here with me. After several minutes of my uncontrollable sobbing and shaking, Jake spoke. "Bells, honey, I'm sorry... I don't know how to help you. Please calm down, I don't know what to do!" He was getting a little frantic, which only set me off more. I had my arms wrapped around my chest, and began to unknowingly dig my nails into my skin. I didn't even feel the pain as I tore through my skin and the blood started to trickle down my arms. I didn't know until I felt another strong set of hands grab mine, pulling them away from me. It was Sam. "Bella! Stop it!" He gave me a slight shake; he was trying to snap me out of my fit. I looked at him with wild, pained eyes. I saw fear in his eyes, and I tried to look away. I looked at my hands in his, seeing the strong grip he appeared to have on my hands. My blood covered hands. I had gotten more use to blood since I started cutting myself, but I as usually able to prepare myself for it then. This, however, I was not expecting. Immediately, I felt a wave of nausea rush over me, and I tried to get away from them. Sam, not knowing what was wrong, grasped me tighter, to the point of pain. "Bella! Snap out of it!" Sam said, his volume increasing a little.
Please review and be harsh because I want to know how to improve!