I can honestly say I have no clue why I'm writing this. I'm not even Canadian (though my uncle is…). One minute, I'm watching the video on YouTube laughing my head off and the next, I'm dancing around like I gotta go pee because of a plot bunny. It's how the world works, eh? Lol. It's basically based on the song 'Canadian, Please' by Andrew Gunadie & Julia Bentley, but… you'll see. Be warned.
This one's dedicated to my BFF, Appy (I know you hate being called that), to Tomas, my cousins R and J, and all other Canadians out there! Happy (incredibly late) Canada Day!
And now, for the disclaimer that doesn't actually mean anything: the guy who said anything is possible obviously never tried to slam a revolving door. :D
Canadian, Please
World cultures, how boring. Kurt sighed as he stared blankly at the blank computer screen before him. Around him were scatters bits of paper, books, and a packet of beef jerky. He gnawed on a piece as he contemplated the level of boring his homework was. Definitely a new high, he thought. Of all things, he had to write a paper on Canada.
His chin slipped, pushing the heel of his hand further into his cheek, which in turn resulted in being unable to see out of his left eye. He straightened up and, deciding to do something productive for the first time in fifteen minutes, pulled up his email. One new message from – hey…. No one other than Appy, who happened to be from Canada. Maybe he could ask her about America's hat….
A few more clicks and clumsy pokes at the keyboard later, he was redirected to a page on YouTube. His tail flicked from side to side impatiently as the video loaded. He stuck another piece of jerky in his mouth. Finally, he clicked play, and burst into incontrollable laughter.
"Did you know that there's a place in Iceland called 'Hell'?" Bobby grinned, snickering. "And every winter, Hell freezes over?"
Jubilee rolled her eyes smirking. "Only, you, Bobby."
"What? Am I the only one who finds this entertaining?"
"Yes," Jubilee deadpanned. "You're supposed to be helping me research Japan for the stupid World Cultures class project thing."
They'd been sitting on the couch in one of the many sitting rooms, doing 'homework' for the past hour. Bobby was slouched on one end, his laptop on his lap, while Jubilee lay across the rest of it, her feet propped up on Bobby's shoulder and chin tucked into her chest. Her computer was sitting forlornly on the floor besides the couch. Neither of them knew exactly how they'd ended up in these not-as-comfortable-as-they-could-be positions, but neither were bothered enough to move.
"Well, you're Asian, so you're already supposed all this stuff. Hey – there's a Hell in Michigan, and California too!"
"Oh, sure, just because I'm part Chinese, I'm supposed to know about the whole continent of Asia?" Jubilee grumbled.
"Well, yeah," Bobby smirked, irking her even more. She pushed her toes against the side of his head and he swatted at her foot. "But just to make sure, I chose China, so you have to help me with that, too."
"Says who?" Jubilee challenged.
Bobby glanced up from his laptop to look at her. "Me. Duh." He gave her one of his mischievous smirks that always made her weak at the knees. Jubilee pushed this thought to the back of her mind and huffed an annoyed sigh… at least, she wanted it to sound annoyed.
Suddenly, an idea occurred to her and she sat up straighter, pulling herself into an upright position with her feet on the ground. Maybe she could teach Bobby Chinese… that would be cool. Even better if she made him say something embarrassing like, 'my underwear is too tight', or something like that. She grinned devilishly. Then, a forbidden thought crossed her mind and she blushed suddenly. No way would she make Bobby say, 'I love you.' Nope, not even tempted. Wouldn't even mean anything, since he wouldn't mean it… no duh. So – no.
"Aaaannnddd… returning from La-La Land, Jubilation Lee finds herself face-to-face with none other than the devilishly handsome and charming Bobby Drake, who, without a doubt, had just previously been the item of contemplation, and – gasp! – could he have been the reasoning behind that a blush?"
"You are so full of yourself," Jubilee responded automatically, not even fully realizing what was happening. It was only because of his minty cool breath blowing on her face that she realized that Bobby's face was less than two inches from her own and he was making weird expressions and crossing his eyes – "Holy crackers and cream cheese, man! Ever heard of personal space?"
Bobby grinned, satisfied with himself, and sat back. "I dunno, have you?"
"Yes!" Jubilee exclaimed with exasperation, though part of her melodrama was to draw attention away from the blush still coloring her cheeks from being at such close quarters.
"Do you hear singing?" Bobby asked randomly, just as his best friend was about to explain how childish he was.
"What? Can you even pay attention for even one min – yes, actually, I can, oddly enough," Jubilee said, her borderline furious expression changing to befuddlement with an incredible speed that Quicksilver would only be able to achieve if he was a girl. Bobby regarded her with a level of amusement before getting distracted by the incredibly off-tune singing that was progressively getting louder. "Kurt, right? Singing something about Canada?"
"Should we be worried?" Bobby's brow creased, but it was all in good nature. Then he proceeded to answer his own question – "Probably," he said at the same time as Jubilee.
Just then, Kurt marched into room, decked out in red and white, crimson maple leaves taped to every inch of exposed fur – which would be a nightmare to return to normalcy. In short, he looked like a mobile pile of very patriotic leaves.
"Zhe Greeks all chilled vis Socrates, can't build a vall like zhe Chinese, but I know zhat you vanna be Cana – "
"Uhm, Kurt? Why are you promoting Canada?" Jubilee asked, looking thoroughly confused.
"Yeah, aren't you German?" Bobby said, but upon receiving a look that said 'no duh' from Jubilee, changed his comment. "Wait – this is because of the world culture project, isn't it?"
"Tell me, have you ever considered being Canadian?" The fuzzy – well, leafy – mutant asked, completely ignoring both their questions.
"Uhm, no." Both pranksters replied simultaneously with the same monotone. Briefly, Kurt reflected on how creepy that was.
"Vell, you know zhat you vant to be Canadian!" Randomly, he pointed to the doorway though which he had just come from and yelled, "Hit it, Appy!"
Appy, a girl standing about five-foot-two, was wearing a top hat that added a foot to her appearance and resembled the Cat-in-the-Hat's, except with a red maple leaf on a white stripe, and held a Mac laptop with a purple cover. She sported an overlarge red hockey jersey and dark skinny jeans to contrast. Naturally, she was barefooted. Boasting huge eyes with lashes that make-up artists would die for – apart from the fact that she was completely against all make-up products not lip gloss – and a frame that models starved themselves to achieve, she proudly called herself 'CanIndian'.
Standing next to her was a boy considerably taller, with light skin, dark curly hair, and a crooked grin. He did not wear the colors of his country, like his comrade, but instead wore a green shirt that read 'Saskatchewan' and basketball shorts. His warm brown eyes twinkled with laughter as he nudged the girl, who stumbled at the force behind the gesture, though it was quite minute. She shot an evil look that startled both Bobby and Jubilee, and hissed, "Tomas!" before turning back to them with an innocent and overzealous grin that threatened to rip her face in half. She jabbed at the 'play' button, bouncing in time to the surprisingly catchy beat that started blaring out of the speakers.
Yeah, I know that you wanna be Canadian, please
Even if in winter things tend to freeze
We've got the world monopoly on trees
And our country's bordered by three different seas
Bobby and Jubilee exchanged looks that were half frightened, half mildly entertained – though in Bobby's case, the latter was closer to thrilled.
Yeah, I know that you wanna be Canadian, please
We invented the zipper, we've got expertise
We made insulin to combat disease
Yeah, I know that you wanna be Canadian, please
Kurt then proceeded to join in on the chorus at the top of his lungs, along with the weird little girl who'd appeared out of nowhere. "Brits have got zhe monarchy, zhe US has zhe money, but I know zhat you vanna be Canadian! Zhe French have got zhe vine and cheese; koalas chill vith zhe Aussies, but I know zhat you vanna be Canadian!"
The boy – Tomas – with an expression of pure melodrama, launched into the next verse, wagging his eyebrows suggestively: "Et si ce n'était pas assez, on a deux langues officielles: l'anglais et le français… Oooooooh, la la!"
Jubilee cracked up at this, laughing silently and, for lack of a better description, clapping like a retarded seal. Bobby, having no idea what he'd just said, apart from the 'ooh, la la' that he did not like the sound of, was feeling threatened by this strange boy's ability to make Jubilee laugh in a way only he could. Snapping out of his enthrallment long enough to decide he did not like this weird Canadian guy, he proceeded to spend the rest of the song glaring at him.
"Yeah, I know that you wanna be Canadian, please," Appy sang, looking quite proud of herself, "where else do you find mounted police? Or go to the hospital and not pay fees, yeah, I know that you wanna be Canadian, please!"
"And when freshwater is in high demand," Tomas continued, "we've got the world's largest supply on hand, so you know that we could make a pretty good friend –" Bobby snorted disapprovingly, but was ignored for the most part. " - but it's even better if you can be…"
"Brits have got the monarchy, the US has the money, but I know that you wanna be Canadian!" Bobby was horrified when a poke in his arm alerted him that Jubilee was singing along to the chorus as well. She shot him a grin, and he was unable to keep a betrayed look off his face.
"The French have got the wine and cheese, koalas chill with the Aussies, but I know that you wanna be Canadian!"
"So you're zhinking to yourself, 'How do I live in zhis beautiful country?'" Kurt soloed.
"No, I'm not," Bobby grumbled.
"Vell, ve've got some steps for you to follow.…"
"Step one: lose the gun, step two: buy a canoe, step three: live multiculturally, step four: You're ready, there is no more! Whoo!"
"We've got beavers, caribou and moose, we got buffalos, bears, and Canadian goose, and we're sorry about Celine Dion, but she did do that good song for James Cameron… Cameron…."
"That is one fail of a rhyme," Bobby criticized, crossing his arms and glaring. Just then, Jubilee jumped up from her position on the couch, grabbing his arm and pulling him along.
"Brits have got the monarchy; the US has the money, but I know that you wanna be Canadian!" They sang as they performed a hammed-up version of the Macarena, Bobby only doing it because of Jubilee's pleading looks and puppy dog eyes.
"You all think you're so fun-ny, but you're so lame, re-ally, so why don't you just shut up already?" Bobby improvised sourly.
"The French have got the wine and cheese, koalas chill with the Aussies, but I know that you wanna be Canadian!"
"Heeeey Macarena!"
"The Greek chilled out with Socrates, can't build a wall like the Chinese, but I know that you wanna be Canadian! In Kenya, they have safaris, we've missed lots of other countries, but I know that you wanna be…
"Canadian!"
"Booyah!" Tomas cheered, hi-fiving everyone in the room, albeit Bobby tapped his palm rather reluctantly. "You know you wanna!"
"No, I really don't," Bobby muttered to himself at the same time Jubilee called, "Oh, yeah!"
"Go Canada!" Appy said, pumping a fist into the air.
Kurt, who was jumping up and down like a five year old who'd eaten too many pixie stix, suddenly teleported in mid-air. The telltale bamf and cloud of sulfur-smelling smoke made the remaining mutants in the room freeze and exchange panicked looks. Appy and Tomas, on the other hand, looked like they'd just discovered Narnia in the closet.
"Whoa!" Appy yelled. "That – is – so – awesome!"
"Oh my – I know right!" Tomas's eyes were as big as dinner plates. "Never seen him actually do that before, he just told me about it."
"Way cooler than my power, though," Appy said, looking a little put out.
"Whoa, hold on," Bobby said, holding his hands up in a T. "Time out."
"Yeah, you guys are mutants, too?" Jubilee added, regarding them warily.
"Well, yeah," Appy said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"What can you do?" Jubilee asked, curiosity roused.
"I can travel through cyberspace," Tomas offered. "And she, uhm, she –"
"I melt," Appy deadpanned, looking less-than-thrilled about it.
"Oh," Jubilee said, nodding. "Cool…."
"And I can change my color!" Appy added with more enthusiasm.
"Weird little midget girl say what?" Bobby said, the words tripping over themselves to get out of his mouth as he raised an eyebrow.
"I am not a midget!" she said, stomping her foot and pouting like a four-year-old. The eyebrow was lifted even higher.
"I'm not," she whimpered pathetically.
"He calls anyone who's shorter than him even by an inch a midget, so it's just…" Jubilee trailed off, shrugging. Meanwhile, Bobby had stood up straighter, taking note that he was barely taller than Tomas with a degree of satisfaction. "Wait – I'm taller than you!"
"What?" Appy shrieked, her voice shooting through several octaves, causing the boys to wince. Jubilee was too busy celebrating to notice. "You are so not taller than me!"
"Yes, yes, I am," Jubilee crowed. "See, Bobby? There is a person in this world shorter than me!"
"No!" Appy cried dramatically, sinking to her knees, a hand clutching her heart and the other in the air above her head. It wasn't long before everyone else realized that she wasn't just dropping, but also melting into a puddle of red and white. "I'm just the shortest tall person I know," bubbled the puddle, swirling its colors into a rose color.
"Sure…" Jubilee said smugly, unconvinced.
"Is it just me, or do you find that slightly creepy?" Bobby asked, edging away from the puddle of Appy that was now changing colors from pink to purple to green to yellow and making a relatively happy-ish sounding gurgling noise.
"Yeah, just a little," Jubilee nodded. The puddle murmured an annoyed sound.
"You get used to it after a while, eh," Tomas chipped in.
"I'm sure," Bobby said with just a hint of sarcasm.
There was a bamf, and Kurt appeared in a cloud of sulfur and shower of Nerdz and beef jerky. "I brought sna-aks!" He sing-songed.
"Nerdzzzzzz!" burbled Appy. Slowly, the colors of the puddle began to stop swirling and differentiate into distinct blotches of reds and whites. The center of the puddle began to rise and take on the shape of a girl.
"Yeah, too bad it's all on the floor now," Jubilee rolled her eyes. "And smells like sulfur," she added, sniffing and wrinkling her nose.
"Awww," groaned the Appy-shaped goop before collapsing back into a pink splotch on the floor. "I want Nerdz!"
Bobby picked up a piece of beef jerky from the floor and stuck it in his mouth. "Tashtsh jusht ash good."
"Ew," Jubilee said, giving him a look.
"What?"
"That's just gross."
"Five shecond rule," Bobby said, grabbing another piece of jerky and stuffing it in his mouth, even though five seconds had long past. Jubilee scoffed at him, though she didn't really mean anything. Kurt, unnoticed and sitting on the floor, slowly chewed on whatever edible materials he could reach while watching everything around him.
"No, dude, you remind me of my cousin!" Tomas exclaimed. "Like, seriously! Well, he's actually my second cousin, or something like that…."
"They don't need know about Regan, Tomas!" Appy bubbled loudly.
"How did you know I was talking about Regan? Never mind. But he did the exact same thing!" Tomas exclaimed. "Well, actually it was a Dorito, not beef jerky, and it was on the floor of a bus… but that's besides the point."
"Tomas, everything reminds you of Regan. Or something he did. Or something that happened that ends up relating to him somehow. It's no secret." Appy deadpanned, pulling herself back into a girl. "And they don't need to know about him!" she huffed an exaggerated sigh and made a face.
"Okay, fine, but he did the same thing! Like – hey – is it just me, or are things getting a little chilly in here, eh?"
"Yeah, I know, right?" Appy said, rubbing her hands up and down her arms. Jubilee sent a glare at Bobby, who was looking a little too innocent for him to be, well, innocent. He dropped his act of nonchalance and chucked a handful of Nerdz into his mouth, twitching an eyebrow in defiance. The effect was immediately ruined when his expression twisted from the combination of sweet and sourness.
"Very nice," Jubilee said sardonically.
While they were having their argument, Tomas and Appy were having a showdown of their own. But it's kinda hard to stare down a puddle of goop, especially since it has no eyes and you're not sure where it's looking. As it was, it was unclear who was winning the competition.
"Hah! I swear you just blinked! I win!" Tomas cried, pointing a finger at Appy.
"Tomas, I have no eyes," Appy gurgled. "How they heck would I be able to blink?"
Just then, Logan chose that moment to walk into the room to check on Bobby and Jubilee. Nerdz and beef jerky were scattered around on the floor, Kurt was dressed up like a pile of leaves that got in a fight with the Canadian flag and was chewing on a blue crayon, and Bobby and Jubilee were watching a boy yelling at a puddle of swirling colors on the floor.
"That was a puddle of goop equivalent of blinking!"
"Nuh-uh! I didn't blink – but you did!" the puddle bubbled.
Logan blinked. And he'd thought he'd been witness to some strange things… evidently, there were stranger things in the world. "Kids these days."
"Redo!" Tomas yelled. "Redo!"
"You know, I think we should probably be going home…" Appy said, returning to her human form, managing to ignore Tomas entirely, though she was talking to him.
"Sure, whatever," Tomas said. "We'll continue this match when we get back."
"Whatever." She had just enough time to yell, "Later!" before Tomas grabbed her arm and dove into the purple laptop's screen. It rippled like water, then his hand reemerged and grabbed the outside and somehow pulled it inside itself.
Bobby slowly raised his hand in a wave, though they'd already left.
"That wasn't a dream, was it?"
"No, I'm pretty sure it wasn't," Jubilee responded slowly.
"A bit weird."
"Yup."
"You know, this color tastes pretty good…" Kurt said, holding up a half-eaten blue Crayola crayon. "Cerulean."
Random ending, I know. There wasn't much Jubby in there, and while I was writing this, I was thinking of all the possibilities to ship my favorite pair… *sniffle*. This definitely calls for a fluffball. BUT, I did get some signature eyebrow action in there! I've been missing that…. GO ME! :)
A shout out to Regan if you ever read this! I have never met you, but I feel like you're my own second cousin! And thank you Tomas, for being yourself with your awesome stories :P (Sorry, I got a little carried away… y'know? Just a tiny bit…) Appy – best BFF ever, period. Here's to hoping that you won't kill me for telling the world that you're shorter than me by two inches! Mahahahahahaha!
Review! Review! Before a midget CanIndian murders me! I want to die happy!
~ J. J. Bean