A/N- yesh...this is another little dgm oneshot. seeing as how the other one did a pretty good job, i decided to give the plot bunnies a carrot in return for this lil' do-dad. hope you all enjoy.
(and yes! i know that i have another dgm fic that desperately need more updates, my inspiration for that is...kind of lacking, yullen is kinda hard to get in character!)
many pairings...many, many pairings. you've been warned.
this is absolute crack. like...no seriousness at all. if you take it to heart and are all offended and stuff, tough. this fic is just my inner retarded fangirl venting out.
Disclaimer- Hoshino owns DGM, not me. All I want is an update every week...
Komui stared down at the large rounded beaker filled with a strange concoction before him with upmost concentration. A tiny bead of sweat made its way down from his forehead to his jaw line. Komui licked his dry lips as he carefully lifted a small test tube with a scentless and clear liquid inside it.
'This is the last ingredient...then with this potion I'll stop Lenalee from growing up and leaving me...' Komui thought excitedly.
Gulping slightly, Komui gently tilted the test tube and let three small drops of the fluid fall into the beaker. He quickly pulled back and shielded his face, waiting for some kind of rebound to occur. Komui had seen that one show where those two boys lost parts of their bodies because of an alchemic reaction. He did not want to lose any limbs today.
He waited with anticipation for something to occur. However, nothing happened. Deciding that the potion had been a success (seeing has how nothing had exploded and all), Komui crept back to the beaker and peered into it and wafted a bit of the smell towards his nose.
Sigh...it smelled like love...and desperation. Just want he wanted.
Komui smiled and clapped his hands together. Now his dear sister would stay with him forever and ever!
Suddenly, the mixture started bubbling and before Komui could take cover under his desk, it evaporated and exploded with a poof. Yes, a poof. A large poofy poof of the oxidized chemical enveloped the entire building.
Now the whole Black Order HQ smelled like love and desperation.
Komui opened his mouth to say "Crap.", but no such word came from his lips. In fact, not a sound left his lips. Strange. Had the poof caused him to lose his hearing? He shuffled his feet and heard the sound of shoes clicking against tiled floors. Nope, he could still hear clearly. The only other explanation was that the poof had taken away his ability to speak.
Oh...this wasn't good.
Dear Black Order Staff and Faculty,
Yes, you've all lost the ability of speech. Everyone has.
And before you start blaming me, let me just say that this was all just reaction of chemicals...caused when I...might have...messed up...ack! Nevermind! Anyway, the air you're all breathing is the cause of it. The potion I...may or may not have made oxidized and quickly spread itself everywhere. I'm still not sure how to explain it, but yeah. The air.
Don't try going outside and breathing the "fresh" air out there, thinking it'll cure it, because once you've breathed the air in here, you're stuck with it. So deal.
Anyway, I know you all need some form of communication so for now, all of you will just have to make use of these Post-It notes I found in my office. There's plenty to go around, so go crazy.
Love,
Your Eternally Amazing Supervisor,
Komui
PS- the sending 'inappropriate' Post-It notes to my dear Lenalee-chan will result in the sender becoming a test subject of mine, and believe me, the things I'll make you test will NOT be pleasant.
Baka Usagi,
Touch me or my soba again, and I'll chop off your fingers
-Kanda
Yuu,
But it's so much fun to braid your hair...
And it's not me taking your soba, it was Allen!
-Mr. McAwesome Lavi
Lavi and Kanda,
I was just really hungry! Don't threaten me with that dumb sword of yours, Bakanda.
Lavi, you freaking weasel.
-It's Allen, Not Moyashi
Moyashi,
Prepare to die
-Kanda
Anyone Who Cares,
Oww! Kanda hit me with his stick!
-A Cool Weasel Named Lavi
Dear Allen, Lavi, and Kanda,
Oh, you guys. Can you please stop fighting in the cafeteria? Innocent bystanders, not including Lavi, are getting hurt. If you want to fight, take it outside. Or better yet, stop fighting and be mature adults.
-Sincerely,
Lenalee
Lenalee,
():PPP
That greater-than symbol is stupid, Lavi. Take it away.
Make me, Kanda.
- (Ba)Kanda, Alle-Moyashi, (Not Awesome, Just Stupid) Lavi
Foolish Boys Who Are Mean to Lenalee-chan,
DIEEEEEEE!
-The One Who Loves His Sister In A Totally Normal Way
Wacko-Older-Brother,
Normal my ass.
...You're so blunt, Bakanda. It's a strangely attractive, and annoying, quality about you, Bakanda.
Oh really, Moyashi? Come over here and I'll show you how blunt I can really be..
WHAT? Allen, NOOOO!
-Brokenhearted Lavi and those two guys making out over there
Nii-San,
^_^;; Put the Komorin XX2 away, please.
-Sincerely, Lenalee
PS- Allen, Kanda, take it somewhere else please.
LENALEE-CHANNN!
Okies. :333
-Happy Older Brother
Lenalee,
Fine then. Come on, Moyashi.
Ehh...slow down, Bakanda, I need to grab my shirt.
Make it snappy then.
...Alright, I got it. Let's go.
-Allen & Kanda
People,
Sniff, sniff. Allen and Kanda left me. ;~;
-Lavi
Anyone,
What the hell? Why can't I speak? And why does this place smell just like Cyril when he's with Road?
Oh...hello, Rabbit Boy.
-Noah of Pleasure
You Cree-Tyki,
WTF? How did you get in here? Help! Help! I need back up!
-A Panicking Lavi
PS- Anyone who inhales the air in here can't speak for a week. Yeah, it's because of Komui. The Post-It notes are our only form of communication.
Little Rabbit,
Hm. That scientist needs a new hobby.
Don't you remember? As the Noah of Pleasure, I can choose what I want to 'touch'. Phasing through the Black Order's walls isn't all that hard, you know. Especially when everyone's guard is down at time like this.
I don't think anyone is going to hear...or read your cries for help, Rabbit Boy.
-Tyki
Noah That Needs to GTFO,
...Please do exactly that.
-Lavi
Amusing Rabbit,
Mm, I don't feel like 'getting the fuck out', sorry.
-Tyki
Noah That Should REALLY GTFO,
...Even if I said please? O.o
-Lavi
Very Amusing Rabbit,
Even if you said please. *sexy smirk*
-Tyki
Tyki,
Darn. Uh...why are you smirking that? It's making me uncomfortable. Sigh..I wish Allen and Kanda would come back and help me chuck your hot ass out the window.
-A Lonely Lavi
PS- Stop calling me rabbit boy. It's weird.
Foolish Rabbit,
If you tell me to stop, I'm just going to do it more..
I'm smirking because it's what sexy bishouen badasses like me do, the fangirls love it. *smirks even more sexily if possible*
Ohh, those two left you alone? Why? Hm. I should probably thank them for leaving you all alone for me. And my hot ass isn't going anywhere anytime soon.
-Tyki
TYKI,
Oh my god, you broke the fourth wall! Dammit, you better fix it! And don't flatter yourself, there's plenty of other sexy badasses out there. In fact, I'm one of them. *smirks proudly*
Those jerks are having a quickie in Kanda's room.
O_O W-what are you going to do? Kill me?
-A Very Worried Lavi
Little Lavi,
Don't worry, rabbit, I'm not here to kill you. The Earl sent me here to capture Allen and kill anyone who gets in the way, but I've found something much more interesting to 'do' instead.
Heh, that's cute, rabbit boy, but you're nowhere near my sexiness level. I'm over nine thousand, in fact. Good luck reaching that.
Quickie, hm? Well, I certainly don't want to interrupt them. I'll just snatch the shounen after they're done.
I think that the lack of a fourth wall is rather nice. I rather like the breeze...
-Tyki, Who Likes the Breeze
T-t-tyki,
P-please put your pants back on...ahh...boxer briefs...*babbles unintelligibly*
SOMEONE PLEASE FIX THE FOURTH WALL.
-Lavi, Who DOESN'T Like the Breeze
Lavi,
You'll learn to like the breeze soon enough..
-Tyki of the Cheshire Cat Smile
ANYONE,
AHH! RAPE! RAPE!
CALL THE ARMY, THE AIRFORCE, THE MARINES FOR GOD'S SAKE! THEIR'S A HALF NAKED BISHOUNEN ON ME! AHH, MY PANTS! NOOOOO...uh-...oh...eofciofj;d
-sfsdlfkjwlek
Anyone,
Check. And mate. F3
-Tyki the Conqueror
Lavi and...Tyki?,
HOLY SHIT! MY EYES, MY EYES!
K-Kanda...calm down. They're just...doing...ahh. Sniff, Tyki how could you? T^T
-Allen and A Very Scarred (Ba)Kanda
PS- Who the hell broke the fourth wall?
Shounen,
Oh, you're back. Hm..I'm not quite done with the rabbit here, but you're welcome to join us. *pulls Allen in to the fray*
-Tyki Mikk
PS- The breeze is nice. Rabbit Boy, here learned that the hard way...
Allen...I Think,
Uh..my head is swimming with...strangeness. Allen is that you? Oog...
-My Name is Lavi, Right?
Tyki and Yes, Your Name is Lavi,
O-okay, Tyki...Lavi, you're really warm...
Ah...my red ribbon...what are you? No...you can't use it to tie me and...
-Allen
Shounen and Rabbit,
Heh. Already did, shounen. And don't worry, you'll be warm soon enough.
Rabbit, please stop squirming around or I'll have to tie the ribbon more taut.
-Tyki
FUCKING WEIRDOS,
You all have no shame. Gah, I'm outta here.
Oi, Noah, send the baka usagi my way when you're done with him.
-Kanda
Sword Boy,
Alright..If he isn't too drained by the time I'm done with him..
-Tyki Mikk
PEOPLE,
THERE ARE NAKED MEN ON THE CAFETERIA FLOOR! AND I THINK ONE OF THEM IS A BAD GUY! WTF? WHY ISN'T ANYONE TRYING TO STOP THEM? *runs away*
-Random Finder Who Is Now Scarred FOR LIFE
Shounen and Rabbit,
Me having to do all the work isn't fair, boys. You're already tied together, put some effort into it.
-Tyki
Tyki (Fucking) Mikk,
F-fine then...
Yay..I finally get a taste of the moyashi. I've been waiting so long, but Yuu always steals you away before I can make a move. But you're mine now, Allen. :DD
L-Lavi...can you...can you please stop...playing...t-tag with my tongue...so I can finish writing my sentences...argh. By the way, you...you have a faint taste of soba in your mouth. Did you also take a bit of Kanda's...soba, too? Other than that...you taste...really minty. And don't call me moyashi!
Mm, you know it, Allen. Kanda's soba is too irresistible. You should know all about that...
Lavi! *blushes*
Hurry up and finish this Post-It note already. I'm running out of space to write.
-Lavi and Allen
You two,
...Are really good at this. Well done. But time to finish this up though...
-Tyki
Noah of Freaking Pleasure IS RIGHT,
...!
-Allen and Lavi
(Idiot) Tyki,
What's taking you so long? The Earl made us come over to check up on you. You've better got a good reason for...for...
Hehehehe...Tyki is busy~!
Oh, hush now, Jasdevi. Tyki's rather tied up at the moment. Let's give him, Allen-kun, and Lavi-kun some more time.
A-alright, Road.
Hee! Where we gonna go, Road?
Hm. Let's go mess with innocent townspeople! :3
Hee! Yayz!
-Road and Jasdevi
Road and the Idiot Twins
Much appreciated, Road.
Have fun now and don't get too much blood on your shirt. Cyril will have a cow if you come back in a condition a fraction less than the one you left in.
-Tyki
Tyki,
Shh! Daddy doesn't even know I left the house! Earl-sama only told Jasdevi to come over and check up on you. I just tagged along to get out of doing arithmetic homework.
-Road
PS- Do you think my tutor will believe me if I say Skinn ate my homework?
ROAD,
You didn't tell Cyril? He'll go into a frenzy if he finds out you left the house without permission!
-Tyki the Super Conqueror
PS- Well, Skinn is a big guy. But he isn't a dog. I don't know, just ask the Earl to bail you out again.
Tyki..Mikk,
You aren't...a conqueror...so please stop calling yourself that...everytime you...get us to...before you...
Allen, stop scooting away. I'm getting cold again. T_T
S-sorry, Lavi. Better?
Yes. =w=
-Lavi and Allen
PS- Road, don't do drugs and stay in school! :DD
Oh god, that was so lame, Lavi. That's it, no more dry humping for you... -_-
OH NOEZ! ALLEN, WAIT, I TAKE IT BACK! DDD:
Allen-kun and Lavi-kun,
You two look so cute together, but Allen's mine, Lavi. Get that in your head.
-Road
PS- Are any of you really good at math?
YOU BASTARDS,
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY ROAD! I'LL SLAUGHTER YOUR FUCKING HEADS!
Oh, hello, Tyki. Handsome as always. Where's Road?
-A Father Who Only Wants The Best for His Child
Crazy Guy Over There,
Cyril, creepy as always. Road ran after Allen. She's fine. Don't have a stroke.
-Tyki Mikk
Wherever My Dear Sweet Road Is,
ROADDDDD~~~~ PAPA'S A-COMMIN! *heart*
-Cyril
Anyone,
-_- And now I'm alone.
-Tyki
TYKI-GUY,
OH NO, YOU AIN'T! HAVE NO FEAR, HITLER MOUSTACHE IS HERE!
-The guy sporting a cool toothbrush on his upper lip
Leverrier,
Go away please.
-Tyki
Mr. Leverrier,
Sir, please don't keep on skipping out on your pills. Carrying all these cartons of crazy pills and sedatives is really taking a toll on my back.
-Inspector Link
People of the Earthhhhh,
I have devised a weapon so sinister and stealthy that you will be helpless to cower before it...
-Hitl..Leverrier
Leverrier,
?
-Tyki and The Gay Ponytail Guy
PS- I'm not gay, you wicked Noah. Besides, you were just over there having your way with Allen and Lavi, were you not?
Orly? Says the guy who stalks the shouen wherever he goes? And, hmph. Bishounen are not bound by the silly gay/not gay rules you non-bishies are.
THOSE WERE ORDERS. And in no way are you the only bishounen here. I am one as well.
Whatever helps you go to sleep at night.
You guys ova dere,
Moo-stache...*raises paper moustache*
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.
-Leverrier
Leverrier,
GTFO. Just GTFO.
Sigh...come on, Mr. Leverrier, let's take a trip to the soft and squishy room again..
-Link and the Rude Noah
Anyone,
Finally, some peace and quiet. Yawn.
-Tyki
TYKIIIIIIIIII,
HELP US! CYRIL ATTACKED US OUT OF NOWHERE BECAUSE ROAD WAS STANDING NEXT TO US.
THEN KANDA CAME OVER AND STARTED FIGHTING HIM. BUT CYRIL OVERPOWERED HIM!
HE DID NOT OVERPOWER ME, BAKA USAGI. ANYWAYS, LENALEE RAN OVER AND TRIPPED ON SOME RUBBLE...AND GOT A BLOODY KNEE.
WHATEVER, YUU. BUT KOMUI APPEARED OUT OF NOWHERE AND STARTED BLASTING AT US WITH KOMORIN XX2!
HE ALREADY GOT CYRIL AND ROAD, TYKI! HELP US!
...che. I don't need the Noah's help, but...it'd be nice if he could stop Komui...
- Allen, Lavi, and Kanda
PS- Aww, Bakanda's asking for help in his own special way...
STFU, Moyashi.
Who cares! Just help us, Tyki!
Shounen, Rabbit, and Sword Boy,
Well, so much for my peace and quiet. But I can't do anything about Komui. My badass level is way off the charts, yes, but it's not enough to stop a dumbass like your supervisor.
There's only one person to call in a time like this.
-Tyki
Tyki Mikk,
Gasp. You don't mean...
-Lavi
Little Rabbit,
*epic sagely nod of super wisdom* Yes. Him.*turns toward Allen*
-Tyki
Tyki and Lavi,
I...I won't do it. I can't it.
-Allen
Moyashi,
Dammit, beansprout, I don't care if you don't want to. I don't feel like dying today.
-Kanda
Shounen,
You have to do it, shounen. You're the only one who can.
Come on, Allen! You're our only hope!
Hurry your ass up, Moyashi. We don't have much time. Komorin XX2 is already starting to break through.
-Tyki, Lavi, and Kanda
Big Jerks,
F...fine. I'll do it. *gulp*
...
...
...FREE BOOZE, HOT GIRLS, AND FREE HOT WINGS!
-Allen
As Allen signed his name on his last Post-It note, the room began to shake as though an earthquake had struck. The floor split in two and a tall woman dressed in a flowing black gown with a butterfly-shaped ribbon tied over the upper half of her face rose from the ground. A large black coffin soon followed and standing on top of it was a man with flaming red hair and a mask over one of his eyes.
"You called?" he asked. Allen nodded and his Master snorted. Using "the call" for such a stupid situation like this. Plus, there wasn't any free beer, hot wings, or remotely cute girls in the vicinity, just an excess amount of Post-It notes littering the floors.
Suddenly the room began to shake again as Komorin XX2 with a crazed Komui riding on top of the contraption, literally, broke through the fourth wall and charged at Allen, Kanda, Lavi, and Tyki. Cross 'che'd, whipping out his Judgment and turning it sideways...
Anyone,
Holy shit! He turned it sideways! That's a kill shot! A KILL SHOT!
Don't make me come over there and break that pencil of yours, Baka Usagi. But, I gotta admit, moyashi, your master seems really confident of himself. The air doesn't even have an effect on him.
Ugh..don't remind me..
Boys, that man right there is the epitome of a badass in this world. Well, maybe the Earl's human form may rival him..
Human form?
Ah...nevermind. Just watch.
-Lavi, Kanda, Allen, and Tyki
Cross turned the gun sideways and took aim at his rather large target, the big hulking robot running towards his idiot apprentice and his 'friends'. Without a sound, he pulled the trigger and a bullet filled with Innocence and baddie-killing power hurtled itself at Komorin XX2.
Upon impact, the machine was pushed right out of the building and up towards the sky, exploding when it reached the stratosphere. Cross put his Judgment back into its holster and jumped down from the coffin he was standing on and walked towards his anxious-looking apprentice.
The boy opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. Cross quickly the deduced the whole situation in his mind. Komui had yet again fucked up another one of his experiments and somehow because of it everyone lost their voice and had to talk through Post-It notes. A blue Post-It note near his foot caught his eye. Cross mentally smirked as he read it. It seemed that his little apprentice had been busy the past evening.
"You called me for something like this, idiot apprentice? Well, I'm sure you know what the punishment for that is. Plus the fact that you can't speak will make things a lot easier for me." he said, lifting Allen up and over his shoulder and carrying him away with Maria.
Kanda, Lavi, and Tyki all watched with a somewhat sulky expression as Cross and Allen disappeared into the void. But it was to be expected, of course.
After all, Cross always got the last word.
A/N- this took...maybe three hours? i don't know. but it sure didn't take long. everything just kinda flowed to me. i guess this is what happens when you let your inner yaoi fangirl take over.
cross is the ultimate badass, shut up, shut up. i don't wanna hear 'ohhh, no he's notttt! tyki...or allen...or even BAK is!' because, no they aren't. cross has a gun, cool hat, mask-thing, a sex god for an apprentice, and he oozes sex appeal. not to mention how incredibly strong he is.
i just hope to god that he's okay in the manga. my heart stopped when i saw that one chapter with him...sniff. but, i will admit that the earl, in human form, is really really really hot. kinda reminds me of shunsui from bleach, the face part, i mean. but we don't get to see much of him, so yeah. for now, cross takes the crown.
yeppp. this is one fucked up fanfic here. oh! and that one part with the moo-stache and leverrier (i bashed him...kinda) is from the hetalia dub. for anyone who's seen it, yeah, you know what i mean. romano+ moo-stache= epic win.
lots and lots of innuendos in here. i really didn't mean for them to sound so...sexual. but they did. :p for anyone who counts them all and UNDERSTANDS them, i'll write a fic just for you. yaoi or het, but no yuri (sorry, guys) so yeah. a special ficcie...just for you...won't that be uber-special and shit? :DDD
i noticed the utter lack of timcampy in this...i apologize...
IF YOU READ IT, PLEASE REVIEW IT. ALERTS AND FAVS ARE NICE, BUT NOTHING MAKES MY HEART AS WARM AS READING ONE OF YOUR GUYS' REVIEWS! PLEASE, GIMME MA' FIX!