Being Captain of any squad wasn't all it's cooked up to be. When you're a lowly ranked officer you see a lot of the battlefield and go on frequent missions. Anyone who thinks they have the guts aspires to be a captain someday. People are filled with these false pretenses that if they become a seated officer or even a captain, that they will lead their troops into glorious battles. This of course isn't true. My name is Soi Fon and I'm captain of squad two as well as the punishment force. When you get to my level, unless there is all out war, you work in an office with the other seated officers. The squad two office is full of interesting characters. Of course you all know my lieutenant Marechiyo Omaeda. I put him in charge mostly because I was lazy and I liked to do my own thing. He was extremely obnoxious and no one in the office liked him. Except for Hideki. Hideki sort of had a pug face and wore huge glasses, he worshipped Omaeda.

I was pretty sure Hideki had a secret thing going on with Kiyoko. She was a tiny blonde who always seemed to have a stick up her ass. She worked in accounting with Jiro and Ichiro. Jiro seemed to be fatter than Marechiyo if that was even possible. He was also very stupid. Ichiro was our sassy Mexican and often brought in delicacies for us to sample.

The most important department was missions. They were in charge of organizing troops to carry out various assignments. Those people were Hideki, Satoru, Masato, Haruko, and myself. Satoru was the only black guy in the office. We only had a hand full in the squad as well. He did his work very well but he had a nasty attitude. Masato wasn't technically in missions. He's a temp. He just works in the department for experience. Haruko looked like she was mother goose. She was nice enough but she was a little bit bigger and older. She looked like the person to go to if you ever wanted fresh cookies.

We also had smaller departments such as earth relations, human resources, and quality assurance. These were typically one or two person jobs. Chiharu was in charge of earth relations. I don't think she really did her job. She mostly online shopped and never stopped talking on the phone. Takeshi was in human resourcing and I hated him with every fiber in my body. He just sucked the fun out of everything. At last we have quality assurance. That was run by Naomi and Katsu. They were both older but Katsu was really old. I didn't know why he hadn't retired yet. He was very odd and never seemed to know what was going on. Plus I think he was raised in the wilderness. Naomi was a hot mess and I often caught her sneaking alcohol into her coffee or licking pure-ell off her hands. That brings us to the last person, Yoruichi. She was no longer part of squad two but I had hired her as a receptionist. Mostly because we needed one and secondly so I could check her out all day long. You see I've had a crush on her since I was a kid and I was going to use any excuse to keep her around.

I walked into the squad two office and hung my hat on the coat hanger. Yoruichi looked up from reception and smiled at me. My stomach did a little flip and I gave her a small smile back. I walked over to my desk, which was right across from reception and sat down. Of I planned that on purpose. I was checking my messages when Omaeda came and sat on my desk.

"Did you get any emails?" He asked.

"No." I answered lazily.

"Check your spam folder."

I clicked on my spam folder and a forward email came up. It was a skit by Dane Cook called public restrooms.

"Wow Dane Cook, very funny."

Marechiyo laughed. "Thought you'd like it!"

Soi Fon

"Marechiyo constantly sends everyone these weird email forwards. He thinks he being really funny. In reality he's annoying as hell.

Marechiyo

"I am the king of email forwards. The master of comedy. I'm like Chandler and Joey and Soi Fon is Rachael. Hideki is Kramer…..Wait is that the right show?

Marechiyo stood over Hideki's desk as they watched a video on his computer.

"So the rhino does the sex thing right there…"

Marechiyo started to laugh his ass off.

"That's funny, but not offensive. It's nature."

A man walked up behind Marechiyo and pulled his hood over his head.

"What the-"

Marechiyo flipped around and smiled.

"Hachiro what's up man?"

Hachiro was a low ranking officer but he came in quite often to mess around with Omaeda and fuck things up in general.

Hachiro turned to me and held up his hand. I gave him a high five.

"What's happening captain?"

"Nothing really, did you hear that gossip about the lieutenant from Squad 1 one resigning?"

"Oh fuck yeah I got the whole story!"

He pulled up a chair so we could talk more in private.

"So basically here's the deal, he was nailing his secretary for a solid 4 months. Then all of the sudden she blows the whistle on the whole thing just to be a bitch!"

I rolled my eyes.

"Women are such demons sometimes."

"Well they are women right?"

We both started laughing.

Takeshi from human resourcing was lingering near by and he approached my desk.

"Soi Fon can I talk to you in the conference room for a minute?"

Hachiro immediately left his seat. He hated Takeshi as well.

"What the fuck do you want Takeshi?" I spat.

"It'll just take a minute."

"Oh literally?" I asked sarcastically.

"Just a minute captain."

Soi Fon

"As you can tell I really don't like Takeshi. He's in human resourcing so technically he works for Squad 1. He doesn't belong in the Squad 2 family. Also he's divorced so he doesn't belong to any family at all."

I walked into the conference room with Takeshi and we both sat down.

"Soi Fon the real reason the Squad One lieutenant stepped down was because of sexual harassment. So Squad one has asked me to do a 15 minute presentation about sexual harassment in the work place."

I slammed my fist on the table. "No, no, no, no this is bullshit Takeshi! What are we supposed to tell people? That you can't joke around and be friends? Or tell hilarious jokes?"

"Well maybe jokes that are inappropriate."

"Jokes are inappropriate that's why they're called jokes!"

I stood up from my seat and walked out. I walked into the break room to get some more coffee when I noticed Yoruichi sitting at one of the tables.

"Hey what's up?" I smiled at her.

She smiled back. "Nothing much my mom is coming in today, I'm pretty excited."

"Really? Can I meet her?"

"Sure I bet she'd love to meet you.

"Good because I have a lot of questions."

"Like what?

"Like as a child did Yoruichi show signs of becoming a future receptionist?"

She giggled and stood up to throw away her food trash.

"I'll see you at Takeshi's presentation."

I nodded and started to make more coffee.

Takeshi had a giant screen pulled down and had a power point presentation open. He flipped to the final page and made his final conclusions.

"Remember intent doesn't matter, it can still be offensive. That's it, so if you have any questions you can ask me or look in the hand out I gave you."

Yoruichi raised her hand.

"I'd like to make an announcement, my mom is coming in today."

"Mmmmilf." Jiro mumbled.

"Thanks Jiro, I just wanted to ask everyone to please be polite my mom is very old fashioned."

Yoruichi

"Usually the day we talk about sexual harassment is the day that everyone sexually harasses me as a joke."

"That's good let's act like everyday that Yoruichi's mom is coming in." Takeshi pointed out.

Once Takeshi was done I walked up to the front with a Snooki sex doll.

"What the hell are you doing Soi Fon?" Takeshi asked.

"Look I'm here to make a statement. Do you realize what we are losing here?"

Kiyoko the stiff from accounting raised her hand.

"Email forwards?"

I pointed at her. "Yes exactly."

Kiyoko glared. "I hate them. Marechiyo sends me the nastiest things and he says that if I don't send them to 10 people I'll have bad luck."

"Yeah but what other things are we losing? Look Satoru has a centerfold picture of a schoolgirl. It's hot, it's sexy, it turns him on. Are we just going to take that away from him?"

Satoru glared at me. "That is my daughter, she goes to private school. I'm taking the picture down right now!"

Naomi from quality assurance raised her hand.

"What about office romance?"

Takeshi interrupted. "Those are never a good idea, but if you're already in one you need to disclose it to HR."

I pointed to Chiharu the Earth relations specialist.

"What if Chiharu was a lesbian and she brought her partner into work? Would that be crossing the line?

Chiharu looked totally puzzled.

"Well not really-"

I cut Takeshi off. "What if they made out in front of everyone …"

"What are you-"

"…At home and I told everyone about it."

"Ok I'm really lost." Takeshi admitted.

"Ok then we'll act it out. Chiharu you be girl A and girl B will be the doll."

Chiharu's mouth dropped to the floor.

"Chiharu come up here please."

Takeshi dismissed the situation and went back to his desk he was flipping through some paperwork when Hideki approached him.

"What can I help you with Hideki?"

He held is breath for a moment.

"Where is the clitoris?" He whispered.

Takeshi was at a loss of words.

"It said at the crest of the labia is where the clitoris is. What does that mean?"

Takeshi

Hideki asked me a question about the human body and technically I am in human resourcing. I'm just sad that his parents failed so badly in his upbringing.

I was looking through some of my emails while Marechiyo was watching the sexual harassment video with some of our lower ranking officers who worked down in the training grounds. Tatsuya was in charge of running training drills and Shoji was his second in command. If I had a good reason I would fire Shoji. He was currently dating Yoruichi and that just made my blood boil. Why would she be interested in someone as lowly as him? He wasn't even a ranked officer. Why wouldn't she choose someone like me? I'm a fucking captain!

I heard the door open and Azumi walked inside with a finely dressed man at her side. Azumi in ether words was a bitch. She worked for Squad 1 and frequently stopped by to make sure we were on track. I just call it harassment.

Marechiyo ran out of the room laughing.

"You guys won't believe this! The girl in the harassment video. Tatsuya boned her! Hahaha!

Azumi stopped in her tracks. She looked shocked. When Marechiyo noticed she was standing in front of him he slowly backed away into the conference room.

Azumi approached my desk. "You and Marechiyo in the conference room please."

I walked into the conference room and sat down with Marechiyo. Azumi and her lawyer Mr. Yoshida sat across from us.

"Are you ok Marechiyo you seem a little agitated." Azumi pointed out.

Marechiyo leaned back in is chair. "My problem is that I'm the lieutenant and apparently I can't say anything."

"You can't say anything inappropriate." Azumi corrected.

I interjected. "The point is where is the line?"

"Do you need to see the presentation again?" Azumi asked.

"No I do not!"

"They talked the whole time." Takeshi mumbled.

"Shut up Takeshi!"

Azumi concluded the meeting and we all walked out of the conference room.

I cleared my throat.

"Attention everyone, I would like you to know that Marechiyo and I can no longer be friends with any of you. We can't have anymore good times and we can't tell any jokes."

"Does that include that's what she said?" Naomi asked.

"Yes."

"Wow that is really hard. Do you really think you can keep it up?"

Hachiro smiled at me from across the room.

"Well you always left me satisfied."

"Haaaaahaaaa that's what she said!" I yelled.

Everyone started to roar in laughter.

I took a bow. "Thank you, thank you."

"Get back in the conference room!" Azumi yelled.

We all filed into the conference room again. Azumi was rubbing her temples.

"You would have done the same you just didn't think of it first!"

"I would never Soi Fon, what is wrong with you?"

"If this is going to be a problem maybe I need a free speech lawyer."

Azumi pointed to the latter. "Mr. Yoshida is your lawyer he represents all of the captains.

Soi Fon

You know I'm so used to being the bad girl I didn't realize these guys were on my side. Maybe I should make them toast.

An older woman who seemed to have similar features to Yoruichi snuck into the office and approached reception.

"Umm hello?"

Yoruichi looked up and flung her arms around the woman.

"Mom you're here!"

"So this is your desk?"

"Yes it is."

Yoruichi moved to the side to let her see around. Marechiyo walked out of the conference room carrying the sex doll. Yoruichi and her mom stared at him as he walked past them and threw the doll down the hall.

I sat at my desk watching Yoruichi and her mom talk. I wanted to talk with them so I got up and approached reception. When I reached the desk Shoji walked in the door. Cursing under my breath I took a candy from one of the bowls and walked away.

"Oh there he is, so handsome!" Yoruichi's mom threw her arms around Shoji.

I think I'm going to be sick. Then again I wished I was in his shoes.

"So we all set for dinner?" Shoji asked.

Yoruichi looked at the clock. "I've got to stall for a little bit but I won't be long."

Shoji smiled and headed for the door.

Once he was gone Mrs. Shihouin whispered into Yoruichi's ear.

"So which one is Soi Fon?"

"Mom stop it." She giggled.

I flipped through my files and a small smile played across my lips.

Maybe there is hope.

No flames please but I would enjoy your reviews!