I am the type to suffer in silence. It is part of the discipline that my grandfather has drilled into the deepest part of my subconscious I know this, yet I still become angry with people when they are unable to recognize my pain. The stable grounded one. Ha! I can only laugh. If they only knew the truth. If they could only see past this shell, this mask, this exterior. If they could actually see what lays at the very centre of my being, I'm afraid that it would be too much for them to bear. And because they are not able to see the chaos that destroys me, the stable, grounded one cannot rely on anyone but himself.
No, that's not true either, I'm so god damn fucked up that I'm not even telling you the truth anymore. The truth is, that I met a girl. That's right, I met a girl and she is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. She introduced me to the world, to the truth, to everything that I had been missing. Her name? Mary Jane. The sweetest name ever to be uttered by anyone at all. She is my salvation, my escape, my life. No, there I go lying again. Me, the stable, grounded one, the rock, can't even think straight anymore.
Mary Jane isn't my only friend. I have many more that I can turn to when I need the pain to go away, when I just need to sit back and feel numb. The truth is that the one who offers sound advice is not able to find peace. The screaming is loud and constant. It is forever pounding in my head, a demon fighting to break loose, but not with Mary Jane. She and the others, they have taught me how to be calm, to contain the demon, to block out the noise if only for a few moments. When I am with my friends, everything is alright. Everything is perfect.
I am the stable, grounded one. I am the rock, but the rock, the one upon which everything is built, has crumbled under the weight of everything that it has been forced to hold. A boy who holds the weight of the world on his shoulders is entitled to escape sometimes, isn't he? Of course he is and that's just what I'm doing, taking my escape. The world is too screwed up to have to live in it with a completely clear head. In a world as screwed as this one, you have to be just as fucked in order to survive.
My problem, Mary Jane is beginning to betray me, and my other friends are hard to come by. It's hard to satisfy an addiction when there is nothing to satisfy it with. It's not as if this is cheap either. It costs a hell of a lot of money to pay for Mary Jane's friendship. Friendship doesn't come easy. The thing is, without Mary Jane, the demon is beginning to break free, the noise is returning and the peace that I had once had, is again lost to me.
The noise, the terrible nose, the never ending noise, is way too much to deal with. The demon has consumed me and pulled me into the shadows. Now, there is no other option. The noise must be forever silenced. The pain must subside. I can no longer go on living in a world where some many factors add to the chaos inside of my rotting shell.
So, I turn to a new friend, one that I have never had the pleasure of meeting while on my trips with my girl. I spend a lot of time with my friend, some might say too much time. Is there such thing as spending too much time with a friend? Having too much fun? I never thought that it was possible to have too much fun, but apparently, it's possible.
Now, I find that my friend is slowly putting an end to my life. I'm not worried about it really. I mean, death was an inevitability. I had considered it many times before, but have never had the guts to do it. At least with this method, I can't be held responsible. The blame will all be put on Mary Jane and my new friend. I won't have another care in the world. I will have only taken my much deserved escape.
I am the stable, grounded one. I am the rock on which many things are built. I, the rock which has cracked, has completely decomposed. I am the stable. grounded one. I fall into a drug induced eternal sleep and kiss the noise, the demon, the chaos goodbye.
~MPF