22 Solitude Street
AN: obviously, this is a parody. It's based off of 22 Jump Street. Also based off of a head canon I made with my significant other. Rudolphus and Leeta, along with Belladonna are my characters only. Their origins are a whole other story. So quick run down. Rudolphus is the first thing Sanguine made when he was a young god, he is the one that keeps all of Sanguine's realms of Oblivion running smoothly while his master doesn't do his job. Leeta is the Daedric Prince of Discipline and Justice.
...
Sanguine had been sitting in the Dovahkiin's home, he had been attempting to speak to his best friend about the plan against the Stormcloak army. He didn't even know why he was humoring the Dovahkiin, maybe it's because he had the best garlic bread in all of Nirn. Even Rudolphus couldn't make garlic bread this good. Eventually Sanguine just growled and threw the empty bread basket at the Dovahkiin, "What the fuck?" Sanguine sat back, his feet propped on his Champion's coffee table. "It's the same battle! Like last time! Do the same thing!"
Dovahkiin frowned at Sanguine, Rudolphus nearby to pick up the basket and hand him a teacup. "Well, it's not exactly the same thing. Cause here's the thing." He shrugged, suddenly smiling and puffing his chest out. "One of us got laid last night."
Rudolphus rolled his eyes, but he humored the champion of Sanguine. He chuckled, "damn."
Sanguine stopped and suddenly smiled. "You? Freddy?" The Dovahkiin smiled and nodded.
Dovahkiin made a shushing noise, "ssssh. Don't wake up my dick. He hasn't got a wink of sleep since flying on the red eye." He laughed, feeling really good for himself. Sanguine made a motion with his hands, wanting details. Dovahkiin stumbled out, "we're talking missionary." Sanguine hates missionary sex. It's so boring. "We're talking... M-missionary. We're talking..." Sanguine laughed at his champion. "When I'm on top and she's on her back."
Rudolphus merely sighed and face palmed.
"She beautiful and smart, she's an artist-"
Sanguine barked out a laugh. "Can't be that smart, she's a fucking artist!" Dovahkiin chuckled and went back to his battle planning, Sanguine appearing behind him and slapping a hand on his champion's back. "But I'm just playing. I'm proud of you, give me some!" He then high-fived his champion and went back to helping with the battle plan.
...
After a huge battle to reclaim Markarth, the Dovahkiin had been invited to the Blue Palace for a grand banquet to commemorate the actions of the Dovahkiin. He would be seated beside Jarl Elisif and and General Tullius while allowed to bring a date for the banquet. He had obviously asked his beautiful artist to accompany him.
He had worn his battle armor, waiting in the courtyard as more and more guests arrived. His cloak and boots were fastened and he had been sweating, thinking about his lady. He had been excited to tell her about this evening, since he had been thinking about her in a way he never thought he would. He definitely didn't think he would want to get married, but when out on the battlefield he would think about not coming back to her.
If all went well, he would be able to have her with him for the rest of his life. And when she told him she would bring her mother and father, he was determined to make a great impression.
She is radiant. This Breton woman glows, her long silky black hair, her half lidded silver iridescent eyes, her creamy white skin... And the dark blue silk she wore hugged all of her curves and accented her beauty like none before. She smiled at him and quickly walked up to him, her small smile sending him over the moon. "Hello, my love." She spoke in a soft voice, grasping his arms as they held her at an acceptable space away from him. He may be the champion of Sanguine, but that didn't mean he wanted her to be disgraced or compromised in public. Even if they did have sex...
He heard a sound from beside them, the General and Elisif standing there. The general had been apprehensive of the Dovahkiin actually having a love interest, so he was pleasantly surprised with what he saw. Elisif had giggled when she saw the woman who stole the heart of the Dragonborn. He chuckled and stumbled with the words before clearing his throat. "Belladonna, this is General Tullius the man who keeps me alive in this war. And this Jarl Elisif, the woman who gave me a chance when no other would." The Nord spoke his eyes going back to his beautiful maybe wife.
She smiled and turned to the entrance of the courtyard, "well, I brought my parents. I wanted you to meet them.
Tullius stopped himself from laughing out loud, he knew the Dragonborn didn't have a clean slate when it came to women, so he was interested in seeing this shitshow.
The Nord looked to the entrance of the courtyard, going over everything he wanted to say. However, when he saw who walked in he considered killing himself.
There stood a woman, who looked like a carbon copy of Belladonna. She walked with an unnatural glow around her with heavy dark rings around her eyes. She wore a flowing white dress that showed off her voluptuous body and was hanging off the arm of someone the Dragonborn knew very well.
The man was a Breton with a crooked nose, short brown hair, permanently red eyes like he was drunk and wore form fitting black trousers with a ruffled white shirt with black jacket. That man is Sam Guevenne.
Or also known as, Sanguine.
He was so fucked.
Oh by the gods above, he had sex with the daughter of two Daedric Princes. One of which is his master.
Sanguine had a smile on his face, but as soon as he saw his champion holding his daughter in his arms, something nearly broke in Sanguine. He had sex with thousands, maybe even millions of women. All different races, all degrading or nasty sex. But no one touches his daughter. No one.
He dropped his wife's arm and walked over to them, his eyes never leaving the Dovahkiin's. Leeta had been walking beside him, unsure of what's going on. "How do you know this person?" Sanguine asked.
Belladonna kept her serene smile, her dreamy voice making the Dragonborn try not to scream in terror. "Daddy. This is my love, the Dragonborn Frederick."
"What the fuck." Sanguine ground out, trying to hold down his anger. "Oh, you're the Dragonborn, Freddy?" Sanguine spoke, using his nickname for his champion, a way to remind him who he is and what friendship they were meant to have.
The Nord could only speak in incoherent babbles, shrinking into his heavy armor and wishing he could be swallowed up in Oblivion. He would take being married to Moira than this.
General Tullius knew something like this would happen. The Dragonborn has always had a very promiscuous background. And after dealing with the Thalmor and the Stormcloaks, he was so ready to get drunk and watch his favorite soldier crash and burn.
Jarl Elisif, as clueless as ever, was all to happy to invite the girl's family to sit with them during the banquet.
Sanguine didn't touch his food, he was just sitting in the table with the general, the jarl, his wife, daughter and his supposed best friend. He had been staring down the Dragonborn, making him squirm with his veiled magicka attacks on him. Too bad his daughter is still too much of a magicka sponge, or else his attacks would do more damage.
To say the atmosphere was tense would be an understatement.
"So... Do you like..." The Nord spoke, uncomfortable with knowing he had sex with his master's daughter. "...weather?"
The General laughed into his glass.
Leeta, Belladonna's mother, let her eyes dart from Sanguine to the Dragonborn, not liking the silent conversation before her. She continued to eat, trying to understand what was going on. "Do you two know each other?"
If Sanguine said yes, his wife might do something that would destroy everything in the vicinity. Also, he did t want her to know he had been off doing things he shouldn't. "No."
Sweating profusely, the Nord spoke again. "It's... It's crazy... This whole... Banquet thing... With potential witnesses."
Leeta let her eyes dart back and forth, not liking where this was going. She tried to stay calm and extend a safe conversation topic. Maybe it would also clear up anything else. "...so how did you two meet?"
Jarl Elisif smiled, "oh, I love stories like that!"
Belladonna giggled and spoke calmly, "we met after he got back from a battle regarding the carriage of silver leaving Markarth. I had been passing by and he stalked me back to the inn I was staying at."
The General was having trouble keeping quiet
"Stalked you!?" Sanguine yelled, his hands digging into the table. He breathed heavily, calming himself down when he felt his wife's hand on his back. "Then what happened?"
Belladonna shot her Nord lover a smile, "we then sat together and listened to the bard playing some songs." She placed a hand on his, "...we listened a few times, actually."
The Dovahkiin just wanted to die and felt like he was shrinking in his armor.
Sanguine was seeing red at this point, he knew he wanted to kill him. But he couldn't, his wife would be so angry and do that cute thing with her nose when he does something stupid. If she does that, he might ravage her right there in the banquet hall. But still, he couldn't help growling, "this is some real bullshit." He slammed his hand on the table, "waiter! What can a Dae- Breton man do to get some water around here?"
"Give him some water! He's a Breton, I'm with his daughter, he's been through a lot." The Nord squeaked out, Sanguine throwing his glass at him. "I deserved that."
Leeta glared at Sanguine, "for the sake of your daughter, can you act like a normal person?"
Sanguine placed his hands on his face, "I'm gonna need a fucking minute!" He stood up and kicked over a nearby chair, causing someone to topple over. "This is bullshit!"
Belladonna lost the dreamy smile and glowered at her father, throwing her napkin on her plate and standing. She left the banquet hall and Sanguine made his way to the servers table, harassing the servers.
"Hook me up." He demanded, holding a goblet and being served a decent amount of wine. He looked at it, then looked back at the server. "What the fuck is this? I said *hook me the fuck up*!" The server served some more wine which Sanguine chugged in one gulp and then stole the bottle from him. "Fuck you and your rationing!" He chugged the bottle, taking his jacket off and throwing onto a torch causing it to catch on fire.
The General was already standing up by the time Sanguine had torn the roasted chicken in half and kicked over some decorations. Good thing he stopped him from setting the whole palace on fire or open an Oblivion gate.
...
It wasn't until much later did the Dragonborn see Sanguine again. Sure he had been planning for the battle of Windhelm, but everything stopped when he saw Sanguine burst into his home in Solitude.
Rudolphus had been staying over to help set the place right, since the Dragonborn hadn't been home in a while. And as he was pouring some tea for the Champion of his master, did Sanguine speak again.
"So gentlemen. We're not gonna stand here," he punched into the nearby pillar, leaving a hole in it, "...and pretend that there's not a big ass mammoth in the room."
Rudolphus had not been present for what occurred, the Dragonborn sleeping with Mistress Belladonna or Samguine having a meltdown at the Blue Palace. He stood straight up, glancing at both of them, "what, pray tell, is going on?" He asked, his usual bored tone in his voice.
Sanguine was practically shaking in his place, conjuring up an image of his beloved daughter, Belladonna. "This, pray tell is what the fuck is going on!"
Rudolphus stared at the image of Belladonna then at the Dragonborn, who is adjusting his armor and enchanted leathers. He looked back at Belladonna shifting into a young beautiful Breton girl. A young beautiful Breton girl who was seen hanging off the Dragonborn's arm a few days ago...
He suddenly understood.
Rudolphus dropped the teapot he held and let his mouth hang open as everything became clear. "OH SHIT. OH SHIT." Rudolphus burst into hysterical laughter, he had always been telling Sanguine his millennia of sleeping around would catch up to him. "Oh shiiiiiit! NO. THIS IS NOT HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!" He laughed as he ran over to the front door of Proudspire Manor, throwing open the door, "NO!"
He ran over to the nearest guard and grasped him by the shoulders, "AYYY YOOO THE DRAGONBORN IS FUCKING HIS MASTER'S DAUGHTER!" Him and the guard burst into laughter, "Yo!"
Sanguine didn't move, the irony of the situation didn't escape him, but right now he was too livid at his friend. "Every time, he says that shit..."
"OH MY FUCK!"
"...that's another foot in your ass." Sanguine spoke slowly, twitching with the lust for killing his champion.
The Dragonborn was going to speak, but Rudolphus pressed himself against the nearby window. "DRAGONBORN. YOU CLEARLY- THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER!"
The Dragonborn could only wonder if this is the same quiet, contemplative, stoic taskmaster of Sanguine's realms of Oblivion.
Rudolphus laughed more, dancing in the street, "THE DRAGONBORN FUCKED THE MASTER'S DAUGHTER! HE FUCKED THE MASTER'S DAUGHTER, HE FUCKED THE MASTER'S DAUGHTEEEEEERRRRRRR!" He burst back into the home, Sanguine twitching in place. "SHIT."
Rudolphus fell into a nearby chair by the Dragonborn, who was clearly uncomfortable with the situation. "Fuck! You fuck head!" He laughed/spoke to the Champion, still hysterical with the situation. "It's his daughter! Master-" he gasped, "Master, what the fuck he bragged to you to your face!" He stood up quickly, using one hand to grab his Master by the face and the other to pint at his angry face, "to his actual face, Master, he bragged to that face!"
He let go and ran his hands through his hair, "you actually high-fived, the Dragonborn, for fucking your daughter!" He laughed, "HOLY SHIT. This is, oh my you, this is-"
Sanguine screamed and shot a ball of pure energy at the wall and blew a hole into the wall, still livid.
Rudolphus cleared his throat and smoothed out his hair and suit, using magic to clean the spilled tea. "...it's really not that funny."