Preface
I knew I was on my own, my family busy defending against the same threat but nowhere near here, my beloved Bella stood next me still but not calm I could hear her beautiful heart rush with blood as our attacker stood close by. The stare between my Bella and our attacker was intense even thought I couldn't hear her thoughts I was shore she was frozen with fear and that's the exact moment I knew that this was going to end here now today ... one way or another... she would never make my love sweat with fear again.
Chapter 1
This was the hardest part of my day. The striking pain I felt in my chest made me glad I didn't have beating heat as I'm sure the twisting rusty knife cutting into me would have killed me. Just 3 hours not long for an immortal like me but this short period of time felt like an eternity away from my other half, my soul mate, my reason to exist, my Bella.
I kept one eye on the clock and the other on the lemonade bottle cap that I held and fidgeting with in my hand, this is just a souvenir I had acquired in that first faithful day Bella had agreed to sit with me, with her not knowing this was the beginning to the numbered days until I ended her life.
As i sat waiting impatiently I thought about my past, present and future this was not the first time I'd realised that my life only began the day Bella declared her love for me, this was a happy memory, a pleasant one, reminding me I made her happy but not far behind crept the ice cold memory of my betrayal and unbearable pain I had caused her... the day I left her thinking I didn't want or love her any more, I cringed at the thought and tried to move on to less painful memory, like now for example my present. Apart from the pain I felt being away from Bella, life was pretty good, there was a few thoughts that kept me going though these endurable hours for example, I knew that in a little while I would be reunited with my life (if you could call it that) my Bella. At the moment she was on an everlasting punishment for skipping out on her dad for 3 days endangering her life with vampires to save me from a suicide mission. Of course Charlie didn't know all the scary details but he knew enough, like her reason of absence ... me. I must admit although it made me feel a little awkward around Charlie, I knew he had good reason for loathing me. I had hurt his only daughter, leaving her heart in a million small pieces the day I left her while I was under the impression I was doing the right thing, protecting her. And yet after this she still had the love and forgiveness to still be with me, so with all this I understood why Charlie hated me so much as I would hate anyone who inflicted that kind of pain on Bella to, and in some ways I hated myself more than he does but Bella begged me to move on and forgive myself as long as I stayed with her, I had no reason to feel this way.
Now I sat on the edge of my sofa near the end of my room wondering hoping about my future. One thing was for sure was that it had to include Bella as she is like the sun sitting behind the moon making it shine. God I love her. Recently I had asked Bella to marry me, to become my wife and to my disappointment she said... no. This was the worst type of pain more endurable then the thought of having a hot iron rod, sizzling and burning the cool skin on my back; it was hard as it opened so many questions like why? Doesn't she love me? Is it because I had hurt her too bad in the past? Or what if she was more eager for immortality then for me? As always not being able read her mind was extremely frustrating for me. Then my thoughts flickered to another image that made me flinch. Bella stood there with her normally dark chocolate brown eyes- glowing red her beautiful peach skinned turned- a pail icy white, this is what she longed to be, a soulless monster. I hated the idea of Bella joining me that way, I hated the thought of her heart not beating and even more then that I hated the idea of her not blushing a beautiful pinkish red whenever I grazed her face with the back of my hand. How stupid- she wants to be a vampire. As soon as these thoughts erupted into my mind I quickly began imagining more pleasant things such as Bella in a white gown with my mother's gold and pearl wedding ring placed on her left hand on her third finger. This vision made me smile and forget about what I was concentration on. The time.
I left my unbearably boring room in search of another clock I'm sure my one is broken how could time move so slow? As I entered the living room trying to block out all thoughts radiating from my family, before I could even think to look for another clock...
"EDWARD"... Alice shouted at me happily from inside her head
I slowly turned my head to face her steering directly into her bold smouldering eyes when someone else's thoughts popped into my head.
"Poor kid, I wish he could relax I mean it's getting a bit weird, its only been an two hours since he last saw her and he look like he's going insane. I wonder when the last time he went hunting was and what it was. It couldn't have been anything fun ilk maybe, that's only thing he could find in the forest near her house, it's sad really I mean look he's eyes are black with thirst." These were Emmett's thoughts.
"Thanks for your concern little bro but I'm fine thank you very much and Bella has a name so please try to reframe from calling the only girl I've ever loved her." I snarled the last part at him.
He growled back playfully making me smile saying"fine big bro."
I laughed when he added in his mind "if you would just switch off for a minute and fight fair then we'll see who's little."
I turned to Alice as that's who was calling me before Emmet's rude but funny interruption and said "Yes Alice you where saying" I gestured by looking back at her.
"I have good news" she continued "Bella got into Alaska I saw her dad open the envelop earlier."
I thought to myself for a minute I new Bella would get in and that the school would be lucky to have her but she was dead set on my turning her into a vampire after graduation so that's out the window though "I could try" I said these words mostly to myself when Alice looked at me and tried to convince me that it would work.
"you know she won't listen to you she'll only though the papers in the trash" Alice told me and then showed me in her vision. I had finished greeting Bella and still trying to prolong her decision to become immoral and stay in collage for a few semesters when she grabbed the Dartmouth forms I had on the table and screwed them up into a ball fit to be thrown in the bin.
"So stubborn" I said aloud.
Just then I glanced up at the clock while Alice stood there glaring at me.
"What?" I asked even thought I knew what she was going to say.
"You know I'm worried about you both? The two of you have some serious separation issues I mean even I can go 3 hours without seeing Jazz and I don't start freaking out and I know what you're gonna say she is part of you she carries you heart." She said the last part with a poor attempt to mimic my voice. I chuckled quietly to myself before letting her continue but she was silent.
"Anything else you got to say" I said hoping she had finely finished.
"No I'm done. I just want you to know that I love you both and i'm glad things are working out. Oh and before i forget by the way Charlie has a surprise for her but there are conditions." She said with a slight sour look on her face.
"What is it?" I asked really annoyed at the fact she was trying not to think about this vision translating the entire dictionary into arabic.
"Look if you leave now you'll be able to catch the convocation but I'm warning you to stay calm and remember she loves you even more then you can imagine." She had to shout the last part because I had already dashed out the door after glancing at the time and realising that it was 18:30.
I ran wild and free, feeling the sweet breeze clash with my rock hard chest the soft yet fierce wind blow though my gelled up hair. It was accelerating and knowing that every stride I took was only drawing me closer to my Bella my loving, selfless unremarkably beautiful girlfriend was one on the most joyful feeling I've had, next to being within touching distance of her. The word girlfriend got me thinking, the word in the real world meant that a couple have strong feeling for each other and I winced at the word because I did not think of Bella as my girlfriend I thought of her as the love of my existence and the word 'girlfriend' doesn't seem to be enough to express to the outside world how much I cared and loved her, though thinking this I don't think the word wife would be enough either so as I ran, I tried to think of a word to help me express the way I felt for Bella but I kept coming up blank. Still concentrating, when Bella's sweet irresistible sent hit me smack bang right in the face and I welcomed the pain in my dry hungry throat as my mouth filled with venom and so I inhaled deeper nearly at her house. Right then I stopped just so I was in hearing distance and listened.
As I eavesdropped I head the faint sounds Charlie's thoughts "start off with normal small talk and then lead to the big stuff you can do it Charlie come on straighten up and grow a pair " he chanted this to himself a few times before stating on the small talk. To be honest this had me worried I have never seen Charlie make such an effort to speak to anyone one before even Bella so I sat alone in the shadow's absorbing the convocation.
Just then Charlie's thoughts changed I was seeing what he was seeing, he was staring at the paper there seemed to be some news that ruffled up his feathers but I didn't pay much atchion to it and I could hear Bella's strong yet soft breathing though Charlie's mind it sent me to into my happy place where the whole world revolved around Bella, my sweet Bella.
"This is why everyone wants to live is a small town! Ridiculous." I heard Charlie fume.
"What have the big city's done now?" Just then it hit me, Bella's mocking care free voice made me feel week and for a minuet there I swear I felt worm.
"Seattle's making a run for murder capital of the country. Five unsolved homicides in the last two weeks. Can you imagine living like that?" He asked Bella.
"I think phoenix is higher up on the homicide list, dad. I have lived like that." That thought made me shudder as Bella had never been on a hit list until she moved here. My jaw clenched and I started grinding my teeth at the thought of anyone even dreaming of hurting my Bella.
"Well you couldn't pay me enough." I heard Charlie huff.
Then it was silent for a moment as I heard fait sound of a spoon scraping a pan I guess that Bella was serving dinner but even after I saw her sit down in Charlie's mind the silence continued.
"You're right." Charlie said breaking the silence. I have a reason for doing this I wanted to talk to you. I head the faint sound of a book and a newspaper dropping to the floor.
"You could of asked." Bella said.
"Yeah I'll remember that next time; I thought taking dinner off your hands will soften you up." Charlie said.
Bella laughed her musical laugh; "it worked" and added, "Your cooking skills have me soft like a marsh mellow. What do you need dad?"
Charlie answered awkwardly, "Well it's about Jacob."
"What about him?" Bella asked roughly.
"Easy, Bells I know your upset that he told on you, but it was the right thing. He was being responsible." Replied Charlie."Don't get mad at me okay?" Charlie said
"Mad?" Bella mimicked
"Well, it's about Edward too." Charlie added while my face expression changed, cringed slightly what could I have to do with that dog. Just then I scanned Charlie's mind but I was still getting a fuzzy reception so once again I had to rely on my super hearing something I unwillingly having to get used to. Charlie's voice got gruffer. "I let him in the house don't I?"
Bella replied. "You do for brief periods of time. Of course, you might let me out the house for brief periods of time too." she said this kind of jokingly, still hopeful though but we both knew that she was on lockdown for the duration of the school year. "I've been pretty good lately." Bella added this sort of smugly like she was proud that she could be fooling her father because he obviously couldn't keep us away from each other at school and then she was allowed to see me from seven till nine thirty. But little did Charlie know that with my being a vampire using my ability's to know when he was planning to do a spontaneous check up to allowing me to stay almost every night with Bella, it came in very handy. Plus not having to use the door helped too.
"Well that's kind of where I was heading with this... he's voices trailed off and I could see the grin that stretched across his face in the reflection in Bella's eyes. (Which were amazing by the way.)
Bella sounded confused and admitted it to her dad "I'm confused dad, and we talking about Jacob, Edward or me being grounded."
"Sort of all three." he sounded like he was smiling.
"And how do they relate?" Bella asked.
"Okay" he sighed "so I'm thinking that you deserve parole for good behaviour. For a teenager you're amazingly non-whiney". That's when I knew this was the good news Alice was talking about, Bella being ungrounded, because seriously it was beginning to drive me insane not that I would rather be anywhere that she isn't. But wait before I get my hopes up there were conditions...
"Seriously I'm free?" Bella sounded the way I felt- happy but wary.
Then I heard the word I'd been waiting for ..."Conditionally."
Her enthasim dropped. "Fantastic."
"Bella this is more of a request then a demand, okay? You're free. But I'm hoping you'll use your freedom ... judiciously."
"What does that mean?" Bella asked.
I heard Charlie sigh. "I know you're satisfied to spend all your time with Edward-"
"I spend time with Alice too" Bella corrected him. Which was true she does spend time with Alice too, Alice see's Bella as her best friend, she constantly wants to be with her, which was easier for her then me as she had no hours of visitation as Charlie loves her.
"That's true." Charlie said agreeing but then added. "But you have other friends besides the Cullen's, Bella. Or you used to."
There was a short silence.
Then Charlie started to say again "When was the last time you spent time with Angela Weber?
"Friday at lunch" Bella defended herself.
Bella had explained to me that since my return that her- I mean "our" school friends had sort of divided into two different groups she liked to think of them as good v evil or in other words us v them. On the good list there was Angela Weber her sturdy boyfriend Ben Chenry (which I helped the two get together) and Mike Newton these three had kindly forgiven Bella for the way she acted when I left. (Just thinking about it makes me shudder. How could i have ever left.) And then of course there's the evil team, Lauren Mallory who had always given grief to Bella about our relationship and at the start there was a reason she thought Bella was going after the guy she liked Tyler but now when it's clear me and Bella are in love she still hates her and it makes me so angry sometimes I have to try really hard not to jump across our lunch table and snap her neck. I mean some of the comments inside her head about Bella just drive me mad, she's lucky I love Bella so much otherwise I don't think I could have controlled myself under different circumstances. And then there's Jessica Stanley who used to have really inerproperet disgusting fanatics about me which occasionally she still does, it takes all my effort to not just throw up there or laugh in her face and explain to her what really would happen if Bella had never come to forks to this school. There would be no way I'd bother sitting at this table full of shallow minds.
With me back at school, the dividing line has become even more distinct. My return had also taken its toll on Mike's friendship which of course was amazingly grate because it can be really irritating when he cant control his little factices about Bella and once again I know it would make Bella mad at me for killing him. So I suppress he's shallow little daydreams and take good into account that Bella had her chance with Mike Newton and she'd past, making it easy to remember she loves me and not that little low life. Despite all that I knew I could count on Angela for remaining a true friend for my Bella after all Angela was one of the kindest most thoughtful people I knew, apart from Bella of course. And even with all this and the natural aversion most humans felt towards us Cullen's, Angela still sat next to Alice every day at lunch and after the first few weeks she even became to look comfortable with her, chatting and making conversation every day. Then again we did have a natural charm so Bella says.
Then I heard Charlie say "outside of school?"
To what Bella replied "I haven't seen anyone outside of school, Dad. Grounded remember? And Angela has a boyfriend too. She's always with Ben. If I'm really free maybe we could double."
"Okay but then" ... I could hear the hesitation in Charlie's voice "you and Jake used to be joint at the hip and now-" that's when I new that this was the condition Alice was on about if I could get chills I would have, I mean how could Charlie even think about letting Bella anywhere near that dog if he only knew what he really was he'd have a restraining order on him but then I took a second look at the bigger picture and thought about what he would do about me. But still I will stand my ground those mongrels could not be trusted with my heart, no matter how chummy they both are. Just then the rusted knife appeared and this time it showed no mercy the pain I felt when I thought about Bella being near him-Jacob, especially without me. No no no .I could not allow this to happen I will make that very clear to Bella when it next comes up in convocation.
Bella cut Charlie off mid sentence "can you get to the point, dad? What's your condition exactly?"
Charlie sounded harsher then "I don't think you should dump on all your friends for your boyfriend Bella it's not very nice and I think your life would be better balanced if you kept some other people in it. What happened last September..."I froze still in my place once again taking note that leaving Bella was the worst decision of my life. I felt a sharp sting in my heart, only thinking about what I did to her how much I hurt her was one the worst pains I knew. Charlie continued "if you had more of a life outside of Edward Cullen, it might not have been like that."
Bella was mumbling and I knew she was trying to fight back her tears which made my heart crumble with pain "it would have been exactly like that."
"Maybe, maybe not." Charlie sounded like he sensed the pain he was causing Bella just by bringing up the subject.
"The point" Bella said this a little harsher like she was trying to remind him something.
Charlie continued. "Use your freedom to see your other friends too. Keep it balanced" he suggested.
Bella reliantly agreed with him and said. "Balance is good. Do I have specific time quotes to fill though?
Charlie sounded tired and replied "I don't want to make this complicated, just don't forget your friends..."
This angered me. I would love for Bella to hang out with her friends. NORMAL, HUMAN ONE'S THAT IS. That's when I suddenly realised that I would rather her spend time with that shallow one tracked mind Mike Newton then with the half dog man Jacob Black.
I knew Bella would never admit it but I knew she was playing tug of war with herself. She didn't know whether to spend as much time as she could with her friends. Or start to pull away now so it wasn't so hard when she had to leave them all and completely soon after graduation.
Then Charlie interrupted my chain of thought and added "... particularly Jacob.
After a few seconds of hesitation Bella then said "Jacob might be... difficult."
"The Black's are practically family Bella" Charlie sounded stern. "And Jacob has been a very good friend to you."
"I know that." Bella said.
"Don't you miss him at all?" Charlie asked sounding frustrated. I was really begging to get furious with Charlie now I was wondering why he couldn't just drop the bloody subject.
Bella cleared her throat and replied" yes, I do miss him" she admitted it -and it stung and a familiar emotion came over me and I knew strait away what it was... jealously only the last time I had felt it, it wasn't strong and this time it sure hurt like hell. Then as if the knife wasn't deep enough. Bella repeated nearly the same sentence again "I miss him allot."
"Then why is it difficult" I could almost hear the voice in Charlie's head blaming me.
I knew Bella had to keep this one short sweet and simple as she knew that this was way too much to explain to Charlie without endangering his life.
"With Jacob there is a ... conflict" Bella said these words slowly like she was thinking way too hard about what she was going to say. Then she began again picking up some speed "a conflict about the friendship thing, I mean." Bella started to elaborate. "Friendship doesn't always seem to be enough for Jake." These little facts were true and that is where part of the jealously came from but still these were hardly the reason for the separation. I mean the fact that Bella's "best friend" as she would put it hates my whole family and would kill them as soon as he got the chance- and now soon enough would include her, played a big part of it. Bella stupid plan to deal with the werewolf situation did not go down well with me and my family.
Now my blood started to boil as Charlie said "isn't Edward up to a little healthy competition" I knew he was only being sarcastic but this still irritated me.
Then my sanity and heart started to thank Bella as she snapped back. "There's no competition.
"You're hurting Jake's feelings avoiding him like this." Charlie was smart appealing to Bella's better nature I mean everyone knew she was the sweetest person alive and could never resist a good old guilt trip.
"I'm pretty sure that, Jake doesn't want to be friends at all."Bella replied but these words sounded painful for her to say, which of course hurt me even more. Then she asked "where did you get that idea anyways?"
Charlie sounded embarrassed now and admitted "the subject may have come up today with Billy ...
Bella sounded unusually whiny and stated "you and Billy gossip like old women.
Again Charlie started appealing to the soft insides of Bella and defended himself by saying "Billy's worried about Jacob. He's having and hard time right now... he's depressed" and then he reminded her while literally killing me with pain and said "and you were always so happy after spending the day with Jake" then Charlie sighed.
"I'm happy now" Bella growled and even though that made me numb to the pain for a little while I still knew that it would return to me again the next time she's asleep or steering into space I will be wondering if it's me that she really wants and not that stupid dog.
Then I could hear nothing else over Charlie's laughter and Bella agreed "okay okay balance."
"And Jacob?" Charlie asked reminding me of the pain.
"I'll try" Bella sighed. Then a rant began in my head- oh no you will certainly not I don't want her within ten mile's of the four legged animal, I mean why on earth would i allow that stupid mongrel to posing that perfect sweet innocent mind against me.
"Good" Charlie said with an up lifting tone. "Find the balance Bella oh and yeah you have some mail." And I was glad that Charlie dropped the subject. "It's by the stove." he added.
Then I heard Charlie stretch and yawn as he got to his feet and soon slid something along the table. "Err, thanks Bella muttered sounding slightly confused."
"That was quick I guessed I missed the dead line on that one too." Bella said and that's when I guessed that the mail was her expectance to Alaska Southeast.
I heard Charlie chuckle, "It's open." Bella stated as she flipped the envelope over.
"I was curious" Charlie admitted.
"I'm shocked, sheriff. That's a federal crime." Bella joked.
Oh, just read it" Charlie said impatiently. Before Bella could even start to think about reading it Charlie said "congratulations, you're first acceptance.
"Thanks dad" Bella sounded like she was smiling.
"We should talk about tuition" I was almost laughing when I heard this, like Bella would ever willingly except help for something. "I've got some money saved up" Charlie added.
"Hey, hey none of that." Bella said I knew she wouldn't except any help because i had already offered. "I'm not touching your retirement dad. I've got my own collage fund," she added. Even though we both knew she wouldn't need it as she wouldn't be going to collage next semester because she would be in no fit condition to be around people. But we agreed that she had to go though the stages for Billy and too be honest it kept me hopeful that her acceptance would mean so much to Charlie that she would change her mind and wait another couple of years before making the change.
Charlie then argued "some of these places are pretty pricey, bells. I want to help. You don't have to go all the way to Alaska just because it's cheaper."
I and Bella both knew that had nothing to do with it, Bella needed to be far far away so she had an excuse not to visit anymore because we all knew that she would be too different. To perfect. Not that in my mind she wasn't already. Plus Juneau had an average of about three hundred and twenty nine of over cast day a year which once Bella was adjusted to our way of life would come in handy, almost like being normal.
Bella then reassured her dad by saying "I've got it covered besides there is lots of financial aid out there. It will be easy to get loans." Even though she knew she wouldn't need one, I'm the one that's got it covered, I'll buy a place out there and buy all the furniture, plus it's not like we need food or anything but we might need to buy some to keep up with the whole sheared but like I said money is no obligation to me, not when you have a physic sister who can predict trends in the stock market.
"So...." Charlie began I could feel what was coming all of a sudden all these questions about the collage I was going to started screaming at me from his head. Acheally they were abnormally clear so where's the stupid, daughter stealing boyfriend going? He was debating how to say this casually out loud.
"So what?" Bella asked and not for the first time this evening stomped.
"Nothing. I was just ... just wondering what Edward's plans were for next year?" Please say he's going far, far away like let's say Europe of Africa or something, please please please!!! Charlie chanted in his head.
"Oh" was Bella's only reply.
"Well?" Charlie pressed the subject.
I could sense that Bella needed my help so I decided to swoop down and rescue her, besides I don't think I could last much longer without smelling her and see if her for myself properly.
Knock, knock, knock -I stood there with my eye's twitching just itching to see Bella.
"Coming" Bella's sweet voice called and I swear if I had a heart beat it would have quickened.
I could barely hear Charlie mutter the faint words which sounded like "go away" over all my excitement.
She eagerly pushed the door out of our way as I knew that this separation time was almost as difficult for her as it was for me and still took some comfort in that knowing that she wants me that much is one of the many great feelings Bella's love helps me produce. Time had still not made me immune to the perfection of her scent, her smile her eyes and most of all the sound of her heart beat accelerating adding a nice blush to her cheek. I couldn't help but smile slightly as she traced over my feature's like she was lucky to have me when clearly I was the winner. She didn't look into my eyes until after as did I, because we both knew that when we did, it was unlikely for us to look away because as she once put it I dazzled her as she did me. Steering at her always made me lose concentration and even myself, just once small flick of her hair sent me into hysterics. Just then she look like she thought something- something she regretted and not being able to hear her thoughts was once again extremely frustrating.
Her hand reached out to find mine I quickly grabbed hers; she looked relived to have me there like I was an aspirin for her pain or something. I loved that about her, how she saw though my skin and right down in to my ... my soul although I thought I didn't have one she was sure that I did.
"Hey" she said in a sigh like she'd been waiting for me all day.
I raised my hand and brushed her smooth silky cheek with the back of my cold hand and as always she didn't flinch at my ice fingers even more then that, she seem too long for my touch, the same way I longed for hers. Then I asked. "How was your afternoon?"
"Slow" she quickly suggested.
"For me, as well" I agreed time seemed to stand still when Bella was out of my reach.
I pulled her wrist up to my face keeping our hands locked together. I closed my eyes as I skimmed along the skin there, smiling gently without opening them. Her blood truly was wine besides water to an alcoholic for me. My perfect brand of heroine as she had once put it. Although the sweet smell of her blood had not changed for me it had become a lot easier for me to feel her pumping heart under my skin now. The monster inside of me wanted the blood- but not in the same way as it did before now instead of wanting to drink it and savour the taste it now only lives to protect it like a worrier for the master, her blood made me worship her.
I hadn't even heard Charlie approaching then, too lost in Bella perfect- perfect... everything. My eye's snapped open but let our hands keep glued, I knew that Charlie was dead set on making his customary displeasure with me. "Good evening, Charlie." I said polite as always I didn't want to give him another excuse for hating me and even more then that I didn't want to give him any form of any excuse to stop me seeing Bella for these small amounts of time, because that really would kill me.
Charlie grunted at me and stood there with his arms folded over his chest. He did seem to be watching mine and Bella's body language a lot more lately. I broke the uncomfortable glare speaking to Bella. "I brought another set of applications," then she noticed the role of stamps raped around my little finger. She groaned liked she was angry with me for trying so hard, like I was doing something wrong by making her fill in application after application just trying to get her to live her human life to the fullest.
I smiled as I knew her thoughts, they were so obvious on her face. "There are still a few open deadlines. And a few places willing to make exceptions." I added, I knew that she knew that I had to pay for these exceptions and the cute angry kittens look made me laugh. "Shall we?" I asked towering her towards the kitchen table.
Charlie huffed and followed behind us, but I knew that he couldn't complain about what I was forcing on Bella he wanted the best for her too, just like I did. She cleared the table and I organised the forms when I saw he moved the very old busted up copy of Wuthering Heights I razed one eyebrow I couldn't believe she was reading that book again and I had to know why? What was it that held her interest I always thought it was a crappie hate story rather than an epic love story. But before I had a chance to comment on it Charlie interrupted me. "Speaking of collage applications, Edward" and I knew he hated speaking to me directly. "Bella and I were just talking about next year. Have you decided where you're going to school" he asked and I could hear his thoughts- please don't say Alaska please please please don't. I heard Charlie repeat this to himself about three times before I looked up at him keeping my expression and voice friendly and replied "not yet, I've had a few acceptance letters, but I'm still weighting my options."
"Where have you been accepted?" Charlie was pressing the subject.
"Syracuse...Harvard...Dartmouth...and I just got accepted to the University of Alaska Southeast today." I turned my face slightly to wink at Bella, urging her to play along while holding back a giggle. "Harvard? Dartmouth? Charlie asked hoping with every fibre in his being I would choose one of them. "Well that's pretty... that's something. Yeah but the university of Alaska... you wouldn't really consider that when you could go Ivy League. I mean, your father would want you to..."
"Carlisle's always fine with whatever I choose to do." I said sternly cutting him off.
"Guess what, Edward? She asked brightly, playing along.
"What, Bella?"
She pointed to an envelope on the counter and said "I just got my acceptance to the University of Alaska!"
"Congratulations" I said stretching my faint smile in to a huge grin. "What a coincidence."
We both saw Charlie's eye's narrow while her glared back and forth between me and Bella. "Fine," he muttered after a minute. "I'm going to watch the game, Bella nine-thirty." Even thought I didn't show it on my face I we confused wasn't Bella supposed to be ungrounded.
"Err, dad? Remember the very recent discussion about my freedom..." Bella reminded him.
He sighed and said "right okay ten- thirty you still have a curfew on school nights."
I tried to sound suppressed "Bella is no longer grounded?" I asked excitement beaming out of me.
"Conditionally" Charlie corrected though his teeth making me remember the deal he had made with Bella, ripping me to shreds I would have to talk to her about this soon and I knew it. Charlie interrupted my thoughts once again and asked. "What's it to you?" out of the corner of my eye I saw Bells frown at her dad's rudeness but he didn't see.
"It's just good to know" I said "Alice has been itching to have a shopping partner, and I'm sure Bella would love to see some city light's" when I said that I interrupted Charlie's thoughts- planning to take off on me again I'll kill him if she goes anywhere with him I swear I'll do it. But then Charlie shouted out "no" and his face changed to a purple colour.
Dad what's the problem?" Bella asked confused once again, only I was confused too this time.
He clenched his teeth and said "I don't want you going to Seattle right now?" we both had no clue why.
"Huh?" she asked wondering what the hell could have caused such a strong reaction from her dad about shopping.
"I told you about that story in the paper- that some kind of gang on a killing spree in Seattle and I want you to steer clear, okay?" When Charlie said that I took the paper skimming though and I knew that Bella found the idea of getting hurt by a human while in the company of me or Alice very humours but then again as I began reading thought I wasn't sure that this problem was entirely a human gang.
Bella seemed to take no interest in Charlie's words. "Dad, there's a better chance that I'll be struck by lightning then the one day I'm in Seattle-"
"No that's, fine Charlie," I said interrupting Bella. "I didn't mean Seattle. I was thinking Portland, actually. I wouldn't have Bella in Seattle, either. Of course not."
Bella looked at me in disbelief as she watched me focus on reading the news paper. What I said must have reassured Charlie as he stared at me for one more moment and shrugged. "Fine." He walk towards the living room quite fast, a good game must be on.
Bella waited until Charlie switched the TV on and then said. "What-,"
"Hold on" I said not looking up from the paper, pushing the first application toward her. "I think you can recycle your essays for this one. Same questions."
She knew that Charlie would still be listing and so she decided to compile with my request, filing in detail after detail. After a few minutes she glanced up, but I was now staring pensively out of the window. As she went back to filing in the form she noticed the name of the school that she was applying for. She snorted and paused the papers aside.
"Bella?"
"Be serious Edward. Dartmouth?"
I laid the forms out in front of her again and said. "I think you'd like New Hampshire. And there's a full complement of night courses for me, and the forest are very conveniently located for the avid hiker. Plentiful wildlife." I pulled a crooked smile I knew that she couldn't resist.
She took a deep breath.
"I'll let you pay me back, if that makes you happy." I falsely promised "If you want I can charge you interest." But I hoped she realised that that was a joke.
"Like I could even get in without some enormous bribe, or was that part of the loan? The new Cullen family wing of the library?" And while she said this I couldn't help but try to hold back a chuckle because she wasn't far off. "Ugh, why are we having this discussion again?"
"Will you just fill out the application, please, Bella? It won't hurt you to apply." I pleaded with her.
Her jaw flexed. "You know what? I don't think I will."
That's when I saw Alice's vision come true and I quickly swiped the paper safely into my pocket, so fast she couldn't have noticed me move.
"What are you doing?" she demanded.
"I sign your name better then you do yourself. You've already written the essays."
"You're going overboard with this, you know." She whispered as she wasn't quite sure if Charlie was entirely focused on his game or not. "I really don't need to apply anywhere else. I've been accepted to Alaska. I can almost afford the first semester's tuition. It's as good alibi as any. There's no need to throw away a bunch of money, no matter whose it is."
My face tightened, "Bella-"
"Don't start. I agreed to go thought the motions for Charlie's sake, but we both know I'm not going to be in any condition to go to school next fall. To be anywhere near people."
This hurt me. I couldn't understand why was she in such a hurry. I may not have gone into all the bloody details of it but she knew what her life would become like when she transformed into a vampire. And she also knew it wasn't my favourite subject but what it would be like turning into a new born vampire blood thirsty and out of control. She knew self control and skill grew with time. "I thought the timing was undecided," I reminded her softly. "You might enjoy a semester or two of collage. There are a lot of human experiences you've never had."
"I'll get those afterward."
Bella, Bella, Bella I said to myself in my mind she really was clueless, she had no idea of what being a vampire would really be like. The whole none- human part. "They won't be human experiences afterward. You don't get a second chance at being human Bella."
She sighed. "You've got to be responsible about the timing, Edward. It's just too dangerous to mess around with."
"There's no danger yet" I insisted.
She stared at me and I couldn't help but see her point there where many threats out there, Victoria, the Volturi- ok so there was a reason for her to be worried but she must know that I'd never let Victoria any way near her, she must know that I would lay down my life for her. And the Volturi didn't count time like normally people did, they wouldn't come for years. Besides even if she did think I had a lake of ability to keep her safe I had Alice watching for any flicker of a threat against her even if the wind blew in the wrong direction and pushed her back I would know about it. I must admit it hurt to have her not trust me." Bella" my face seemed to feel twisted looking for the answers in hers. "There's no hurry. I won't let anyone hurt you. You can take all the time you need." And I truly meant it I would be fine with the decision to have her stay human forever.
"I want to hurry," she whispered smiling weakly trying to make a joke of it. "I want to be a monster too." She wasn't fooling me, no way, but how to make her see.
My jaw clenched and I said, "You have no idea what you're saying." I flung the newspaper between us pointing to a head line on the front page.
DEATH TOLL ON THE RISE, POLICE
FEAR GANG ACTIVITY
She once again looked kind of confused before asking, "What does this have to do with anything?"
"Monsters are not a joke, Bella."
She stared at the headline for a bit and then looked up to see what I could only imagine to be a hard expression on my face. "A.... a vampire is doing this? She whispered.
I smiled thought without any humour. My voice sounded lower then usual and cold with distance. "You'd be suppressed, Bella, at how often my kind are behind the horrors in your human news. It's easy to recognise, when you know what to look for. The information here indicates a newborn vampire is loose in Seattle. Bloodthirsty, wild, out of control the way we all were." Her gaze dropped to the paper again avoiding my eyes and as always wishing that I could hear her mind, just for a while, maybe for a minute or two but also as always I had no such luck. "We've been monitoring the situation for a few weeks. All the signs are there- the unlikely disappearances, always in the night, the poorly disposed- of corpses, the lack of other evidence ... yes someone brand new. And nobody seems to be taking responsibility for the neophyte..." I took a deep breath inhaling her sweet scent. "Well it's not our problem. We wouldn't even pay attention to the situation if it wasn't going on so close to home. Like I said, this happens all the time. The existence of monster results in monstrous consequences." I knew what she was thinking, those poor people who life's completely erased because of some newborn. I hoped she wasn't too disgusted as I was not much different and I had Carlisle, I did wonder what she thought it would be like for her.
"It won't be like that for me." She whispered, and I was confused to whether or not she was talking to me or herself. Then I was sure she was looking for reassurance when her eyes darted up to my face and she said, "You won't let me be like that. We'll live in Antarctica"
I snorted trying to break the tension, hoping I hadn't freaked her out to much and said, "Penguins lovely." She laughed a shaky laugh and pushed the paper off the table as if to say out of sight out of mind. Of course she knew that I had considered the hunting possibilities. We would still commit to a "vegetarian" lifestyle. "Alaska then, as planned. Only somewhere, much more remote than Juneau - somewhere with grizzlies galore."
"Better" I half heartedly smiled. "There are polar bears too. Very fierce. And the wolves get quite large." When I said that her mouth fell open and once again I was stomped. What had I said? "What's wrong?" I asked. And then I realized that I was offering her to eat wolves, really stupid Edward I said to myself to fast and low for human ears to hear. "Oh never mind the wolves if that idea is offensive to you." I said and mentally kicked myself how dumb can I be. Stupid, stupid Edward, real dumb. I sounded so formal, something I did when I felt stupid.
"He was my best friend, Edward." She muttered. And I could see how much I'd hurt her and it was more like a sward then a knife digging in to my heart, the pain was excurating. She cared way too much for him and that was part of the pain but the other part was the fact I had hurt her feelings. As she continued, "of course the idea offends me."
"please forgive my thoughtlessness," I apologised still in a formal tone, "I shouldn't have suggested that."
"Don't worry about it." She was staring at her hands which were clenched in to a double fist on the table.
I tried to sound softer now, as I reached to place one of my icy hands under her chin and lifted her head so that her eyes meet mine." Sorry. Really" and I really did mean it, I hated the idea of hurting Bella.
"I know, I know it's not the same thing. I shouldn't have reacted that way. It's just that ...," and I knew what was about to happen, another argument about Jacob. "Well, I was already thinking about Jacob before you came over." Of course I knew this and it wasn't a surprise but what was the surprise was a flash of anger that came over me, not for Bella not even for Jacob but for myself if only I'd never left. Still I did feel anger whenever I heard her sweet, musical voice say that dogs name. "Charlie said he's having a hard time right now. He's hurting, and... It's my fault. As always Bella blamed everything on herself, when clearly it's my entire fault for leaving her in the first place.
"You've done nothing wrong, Bella." I tried to reassure her.
She took a deep breath, "I need to make it better Edward. I owe him that. And it's one of Charlie conditions anyway-. "
Of course I knew that. But I still hardened my face and said sourly "You know it's out of the question for you to be around a werewolf unprotected, Bella. And it would break the treaty if any of us cross over into their land. Do you want us to start a war?" okay I admit that the last part was harsh but still, that's how it is.
"Of course not" she almost shouted.
"Then there's really no point in discussing the matter further." I dropped my hand trying to do the same with the subject. What could I say to distract Bella? I started searching for what I had my eye on before this pointless subject. Oh I know the old, tattered copy of Wuthering Heights and said, "I'm glad Charlie's decided to let you out- you're sadly in need of a visit to the book store. I can't believe you're reading Wuthering heights again, don't you know it by heart yet?"
"Not all of us have photographic memory," she said very cutely much like a kitten trying to act like a tiger, very sweet.
"Photographic memory or not, I don't understand why you like it." And I really had to know, her answer could only unlock more doors to the mind I so badly wanted to understand. I carried on, "the charters are ghastly people who ruin each other's lives. I don't know how Heathcliff and Cathy ended up being ranked with couples like Romeo and Juliet or Elizabeth Benet and MR. Darcy. It isn't a love story it's a hate story." Which was true, Heathcliff and Cathy were evil and selfish with bitter personalities.
"You have some serious issues with the classics," she snapped.
"Perhaps it's because I'm not impressed by antiquity." I smiled very satisfied with my distraction. "Honestly though why do you read it over and over?" I was seriously interested about unlocking more secretes to her backwards mind the mind I love, the logic that consists within. I reached across the table to cradle her face in my hand. "What is it that apples to you?" I needed to know I would explode if she held back from me. Besides my curiosity seemed to have distracted her.
"I'm not sure" she said staring at me. Oh crap she was dazzling me. "I think it's something about the inevitability. How nothing can keep them apart, not her selfishness not his evil, or even death, in the end."
Then I smiled not at her, but at her answer. Is that how she felt about us? I asked myself because if she did I liked the sound of that, I mean the part about nothing being able to separate us. "I still think it would be a better story if either one of them had at least one redeeming quality."
"I think that's the point," she disagreed. "There love is there only redeeming quality."
Wow. That's all I could think, the way her mind works is amazing truly she was the most interesting person in the history of mankind, no not just mankind but all kind she was just... Wow. But then it hit me did she make any other comparisons about us and the ghastly couple I wonder, "I hope you have better sense then that- to fall in love with someone so... malignant." God I hope she did, what was she thinking now right now I so badly need to know? Does she think I'm malignant?
"It's a bit late to worry about who I fall in love with." When she said that I swear if my heart wasn't frozen it would skip a beat. "But even without the warning I seem to have managed fairly well."
I couldn't help but laugh quietly. "I'm glad you think so." My heart ached with love at that moment I knew she loved me but it always felt better to hear so. I knew very well I could never put into words how much Bella meant to me. How much I loved her but I would spend the next... forever years trying to.
"Well" she added. "I hope you're smart enough to stay away from someone so selfish, Catherine is really the source of all the trouble, not Heathcliff."
"I'll be on my guard." I promised trying to make a joke hoping she had forgot about our convocation earlier. She sighed and put her hand over mine to hold her face.
That's when she ruined the perfect moment by saying, "I need to see Jacob."
I closed my eyes "no" I said roughly.
"It's not that dangerous at all." she said lying, trying to plead with me, which was unfair she knew I only wanted to give her what she wants but apparently she only wants danger.
"I used to spend all day in la Push with the whole lot of them and nothing ever happened." She slipped up in the end there because I've seen brief pictures in Jacobs mind of how loves go's out the window when a young werewolf loses control.
I didn't know much as Jacob tried not to think about it. Her heart started to race and all I did was nod and say, "Werewolves are unstable. Sometimes the people around them get hurt. Sometimes they get killed." She stood there blankly as I waited for her to find her voice, god what I would give to be able to read her mind.
"You don't know them." She whispered.
But I did know them, well enough to know that they couldn't be trusted with my Bella. "I know them better then you think Bella. I was here the last time."
"The last time?" she asked
I started to explain, "We started crossing paths with the wolves about seventy years ago ... we just had just settled near Hoquiam. That was before Alice and Jasper where with us. We outnumbered them, but that wouldn't have stopped it from turning into a fight if not for Carlisle. He managed to convince Emphraim Black coexisting was possible, and eventually we made the truce." Bella looked a little startled. "We thought the line had died with Emphraim," I muttered. "That the genetic quirk which allowed the transformation had been lost... "I broke off and stared at Bella accusingly "your bad luck seems to get more potent every day. Do you realise that insatiable pull for all things deadly was strong enough to recover of mutant canines from extinction? If we could bottle your luck we'd have a weapon of mass destruction on our hands. How much bad luck can one person get?" as if it wasn't bad enough she was in love with a vampire but now she had raised viscous dogs from the dead. She looked at me as if I was mistaken, missing something.
"But I didn't bring them back. Don't you know?" she asked reassuring me that I was missing something.
"Know what?"
"My bad luck had nothing to do with it; the werewolves came back because the vampires did."I stared at her my body frozen with shock. "Jacob said that your family being here set things in motion. I thought you already knew..."
I was sure my eyes narrowed. "Is that what they think?" my mind buzzing with theories, with never ending questions.
"Edward" even with the shock, the sound of my name leaving her lips still made me shiver. (On the inside) she continued. "Look at the facts seventy years ago you came here and the werewolves showed up. You come back now coincidence?"
Of course I thought how the hell could I have missed this; the question was though how did they know we were here? We never stepped one foot on their land even when we thought they were extinct we made sure just because Carlisle thought we should show some respect. I blinked and relaxed. "Carlisle will be interested in this theory."
"Theory" she scoffed.
I was silent for a minute, staring out the window into the rain; I was imagining how mine and my families present where turning the locals into giant dogs. Where there any other facts that we where totally oblivious too? "Interesting but exactly relevant," I murmured after a moment, "the situation still remain the same." I hope she knew what I meant – no werewolves for friends. I will not budge on the subject, normally I would on the little thing like me taking her out for a run while Charlie slept and she should be, but no not this, I can't this would risk her life. I don't know what I would do if I lost her my heart followed her everywhere.
As she got up and walked around the table, she looked like she was concentrating on what she was going to say to me which meant she would be editing her thoughts, how I wish I could here mind if only for a few minutes. I opened my arms for her to sit on my lap. How good her warm body felt against my cold stone body her head nestling into my embrace the smell of her strawberry shampoo filled my lungs mixed with the sweet scent of her blood made my head spin a little and for a secondI forgot what she was saying what I was saying, I forgot where I was. Concentrate Edward I chanted to myself. She didn't look at me; she just sat there staring at my hands. I looked at her knowing what she was about to do but I also knew what I had to do. SAY NO I told myself she'll forgive you soon it's who she is, you need to protect her and not for the first time since my return I knew I wasn't the most dangerous thing to her any ore and as sick as that was I took comfort in that not having to think is she needed protection from me. Even if she did get mad at me Bella doesn't hold grudges and even if this one time was an exception I'd rather she be mad at me then ... I couldn't even say it in my head.
"Please listen for a minute. This is much more important than some whim to just drop in on an old friend. Jacob is in pain." Her voice distorted around the word pain. "I can't try not to help him- I can't just give up on him now, when he needs me. Just because he's not human all of the time... well he was there for me when I was not so human myself. You don't know what it was like..." she hesitated. My arms were rigid never wanting to let go. Did she know what her words where doing to me- my insides. I hope not because knowing Bella she'd find a way for my heartbreak and my stupid actions in the past to be her fault and I needed this pain is a way she hadn't let me feel guilty enough for leaving her and I needed to I still need to ... it reminds me of how much I loved and needed her how much she loved and need me. "If Jacob hadn't helped me... I'm not sure what you would have come home to. I owe him allot better than this Edward." She looked up at my face, my eyes were closed and jaw strained I reminded myself I needed this pain its good for me healthy even. How could I be so naive into thinking I could leave her, stupid, dumb Edward!
"I'll never forgive myself for leaving you," I whispered. The words burnt my throat and not in the good way her scent did but in a painful ripping way. "Not if I live s hundred thousand years."
Just then she put her worm soft hand against my face she really has no idea how that feels, my bear skin lit up like fiery flames. She kept her hand in place until I opened my eyes. "You were just trying to do the right thing. And I'm sure it would have worked with anyone less mental then me. Besides you're here now, that's the part that matters." I knew that that one horrific mistake will be echoing the pain it had caused me in those few but excurating months for the rest of my life. Sometimes I hate myself to the point were going back to the Votrie and asking for punishment from Jane has crossed my mind many times but then again I knew better then to leave Bella again even if it was for only 2 or 3 days at most, no never I couldn't do it, not to her, my love my heart I could not bear the face I'd come back to when she'd thought I'd left her again. "If I'd never left, you wouldn't feel the need to go risk your life to comfort a dog." Bella flinched, I knew she wasn't used to me using such harsh words in front of her, but I couldn't help it- to me that's what he was an oversized dangerous dog trying to steal the one good thing I had in my life the one thing that kept me to this eternal life my beautiful sweet trusting forgiving Bella. How could she expect me to let her go, when there's no real way I would know that she were safe. It would kill me with worry, just thinking about it hurt. I felt a little ashamed even embarrassed about what I was about to say I'd never liked to show my weaknesses to Bella I quite liked the idea of her thinking I was a superhero of some sort, just thinking about it made me laugh skipping back in time were Bella thought I was a Spiderman or variation of some stupid comic book hero. But how to start to tell her the way I feel when she's not in my arms when I can't taste her scent on my tongue the physical pain I endure. "I don't know how to phrase this properly," it's going to sound cruel, I suppose. But I've came to close to losing you in the past. I know what it feels like to know I have. I am not going to tolerate anything dangerous."
"You have to trust me on this. I'll be fine." She insisted. My whole body flamed in pain,
"Please Bella" I whispered.
She just stared into my eyes "please what?"
Like she doesn't know. What does she mean please what? She really has no idea how I feel when we're apart and even when I know that she's safe at home cooking for Charlie it takes almost everything I have not to come and just wait outside lurking counting each second until I was able to see her. If she did she'd never ask me to let her go off playing happy family's with dangerous over sized dogs who could easily loose there temper at a ball game and by accidently transform being able to kill her in a split second. "Please, for me make a conscious effort to keep yourself safe. I'll do everything I can, but I would appreciate a little help." This was no joke although she treated it like one.
"I'll work on it" she murmured.
I had to ask she seemed to have no clue. "Do you have any idea how important you are to me? Any concept at all of how much I love you?" I pulled her tighter into my chest, tucking her head under my chin. She slowly kissed my neck which would have had my heart pumping faster if it could pump at all.
"I know how much I love you," she simply answered.
"You compeer one small tree to an entire forest." I did know she loved me but no were near the amount I loved her she could never love me like that, her human heart would not be able to bear it. I knew this and understood it but she still seemed to think she had more love for me then I had for her then again I had a funny way of showing her that lately running away and all that but I know she knows that I only did that for her benefit only out of the love I had for her so she could live.
"Impossible" was all she said. I kissed the top of her head, lightly breathing in her irresistible scent so she wouldn't notice. I sighed "no werewolves"
She protested. "I can't go along with that, I have to see Jacob."
"Then I'll have to stop you" I threaten. I hated treating Bella this way like she was a child and her mean dad is telling her who to be friends with but in all truthiness I only have Bella's best interests at heart and I was very confident I would be able to stop her. I'll have Alice watch out for her decision.
"We'll see about that" she sounded like she was calling my bluff. "He's still my friend"
Year a friend who is in love with you but, I wondered if she knew that as Bella was quite blind as to how exceptionally lovely she really was. Oh plus he can also rip your throat out with teeth. I didn't say these things out loud for many reasons one of which was quite petty- I feared Bella may prefer Jacob more than me and go riding of into a mortal sunset with him. No she wouldn't- would she? Trust her Edward she chose you. Yes I knew that but still part of me was still insecure. How could I have ever disserved such luck as to be with the most perfect person alive? How could she ever want me?
I healed her in my arms a little longer, never really wanting to let go but as we sat there I thought though plans on how I really would stop her I knew she wasn't joking about trying to get past me to visit the dog but I will stop her no matter what. Plan number one on my list; never leave her, which suited me just fine I was more than happy to spend all hours with Bella days and night and everything in-between with her. But as much as this applied to me there were obstacles like the fact I needed to hunt at least once every 3 weeks at minimum. The second was spend as much time as possible with Bella (though I think that would be in every plan) and just get Alice to watch out for her future but I knew that there could be complications with that one of which she would have to make the decision before hand but what if she made the decision on a whim or he came to her, Alice couldn't see werewolves so there would be no way of knowing when he was planning to visit. Dam this is going to be harder than I thought... plan number three...