Disclaimer: I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion.
Silent Treatment
Posted August 30th, 2007
"Because you always do strange things."
That was his reason, he had said. That was how he justified hating Nagisa Kaworu, the pale boy whose eyes were as red as blood. Whose actions were more strange than any other of the pilot's, and who seemed to feel nothing other than curiosity and a shocking sort of anger that quickly overrode his thoughts. Who controlled his movements and speech until they appeared as refined and as graceful as the cat he once killed.
Whose lips tasted of regret.
He had always known he was a coward. There were no delusions, especially when time and time again all he could do was sit and watch as his teammates fell. Shinji couldn't stand up to his father, or to his coworkers, or to life. He simply took what he could get without stepping on anyone's toes or getting in anyone's way. He wanted to be alone, but he didn't want to be ignored. Because there was a difference.
And Kaworu was just the type. He would come from nowhere, wrapping his thin frame around Shinji's own and talking directly into his ear as if the world was full of secrets. He would close the distance between them until they could feel each other's breath across warm skin and flushed faces. He would speak in riddles Ikari made no moves to understand, and he would answer questions in the infuriating way of asking another.
It was simpler this way.
If he told himself, repeated it like a mantra, maybe it would become fact. He didn't like the fifth child. He hated him, for killing cats and killing moods and killing innocence. No matter how hard the other boy tried he wouldn't soften, even if that warm breath became warmer and that close skin became closer. Even if those pale limbs and red eyes were all there was left, even if they haunted his dreams and waking world alike.
Kaworu was killing him, murdering him slowly with his insightful comments and soft tones. His disregard for even the most standard social rules, his challenges of behavior and his soft, smooth hands, it was all just a ploy. It had to be, because Shinji didn't deserve to be loved. He was Gendou's son, he was an Evangelion pilot, he had killed a man.
Kaworu tempted him with what he could not have, showing hints and possibilities that he had never dreamed of. And even as he descended towards the place where it all had to end, the only thing he could think of was why. Why was this happening? He hated him, but he still could feel remorse as his Eva outstretched it's hand.
The other boy looked depressed as he talked about merging with the Eva. Was joining with Shinji's own mother really that joyous of a prospect? Nagisa had lived on this earth as a human for fourteen years. Surely this pale, pale Angel had something in the world that brought him happiness. Something that would make him want to stop.
"Why does it surprise you?"
Of course Kaworu would have an A.T. field. Of course he would disapprove, seeing Shinji's shock at the realization that he should have had a while ago. He called it the light of the soul and the barrier of the heart. It was cliche how something so good could also be so bad. When his mother's hand finally grasped that lithe persona, it was too hard to hold in his tears.
"If you have even the slightest feelings for me, kill me."
That wasn't fair. He couldn't do it. Not when Kaworu was looking at him like that, talking to him like that, smiling ever-so-gently like that. Like the way he had when they first met, or when he stayed over at the lonely child's apartment for that time which now seemed so far past. I love you, he wanted to reply. I love you, I love you, I love you.
"I can't." He said, instead.