Chapter One: Balls of a Pink and Green Nature

It has been one year, two months, three weeks, five days, eight hours and approximately forty-eight minutes since James Tiberius Kirk last got laid. To say that this was making him a tad tetchy was an understatement. They were one year, two months, three weeks, five days, eight hours and approximately forty-eight minutes into the five year mission of the USS Enterprise and so far everything was going according to plan; they had visited several planets and even discovered a knew one. However none of them had been suitable for seeing to Jim's needs, and yes he knew that wasn't very captainlike and his thoughts should be on the mission, but a man has needs.

He was sitting in his Captain's chair tapping his fingers insistently against the arms when a shadow loomed over him.

"Captain."

"Yes, Spock?" Jim began twitching his legs in rhythm with his fingers.

The Vulcan was staring down at him unblinking. "Is there something on your mind Captain? I only ask because you seem to have developed what Doctor McCoy would refer to as a 'nervous tick' over the past few weeks. And if I may speak freely, your constant tapping is becoming detrimental to my concentration. I believe I am not alone in this conclusion."

Jim looked about the bridge. Sulu and Chekov both turned away quickly and started deliberately tapping away at buttons and dials. Uhura, though she wasn't looking at him Jim could see this clearly, pursed her lips tightly as though trying hard not to laugh.

"Perhaps you should retire to your quarters Captain, and I shall resume command for the remainder of your shift?" Spock quirked an eyebrow.

Jim's jiggling increased in frequency. A previously unseen muscle twitched in Spock's cheek.

"No, no I'm fine."

Spock estimated that it was one hour and four minutes before the Captain's shift ended. He did not think that he could withstand Jim's constant fidgeting for anywhere near that length of time.

"Perhaps you are in need of more exercise."

"Are you saying I'm fat?"

Spock raised one eyebrow.

"No, Captain. You appear to be in extremely good physical shape."

Jim stood up quickly. "You have the conn."

He stepped into the turbolift, ignoring the confused and vaguely amused looks the bridge crew were shooting his direction.

X

By gamma shift, Jim Kirk had acquired a stress ball that was a particularly disturbing shade of green. He was pacing up and down the bridge in front of the window, flexing his arm and crushing the stress ball so violently that after only an hour it tore and came apart in his hand. Everyone stopped what they were doing and turned to look at him. A vein appeared at his temple and with a groan he threw the remains of the stress ball on the floor and proceeded to stamp on them.

"Captain."

Jim spun about. "What?!"

He froze when he saw Spock standing upright behind him, one arm folded behind his back and the other extended before him, a brand new and vibrantly pink stress ball. Without a word Jim took it from him, nodded once, and returned to his pacing.

Spock returned to his station with only barest hint of a smile.

X

Three days later Jim had come into possession of a red painted spinning top which he spun intermittently on one of the arms of his chair. Whenever his concentration on the archaic toy lapsed it scattered away, clattering onto the floor under Sulu's chair. Without looking the pilot would pick it up and toss it back to Jim, who would promptly begin spinning it again.

Spock wondered if the Captain had ever attempted mediation. But then Jim Kirk and 'sitting still for extended periods of time' were words seldom heard in the same sentence.

Spock pinched the bridge of his nose as the spinning top dropped to the floor again, making a haphazard path that finished under Spock's chair. The Vulcan picked it up silently and crushed it in his hand. The pieces of the top fell through his fingers.

Jim huffed loudly.

"Perhaps you should go and see Doctor McCoy."

"No I don't need to..." Jim trailed off. "Commander Spock." He then said, in his captain's voice. "Do we have any eggs aboard the ship?"

Spock blinked at him, his brow creasing slightly. "Eggs sir? I do believe we have eggs aboard the ship."

Jim nodded. "Take command. There is something I need to do."