Chilled Hands:
Gray.
That was the colour which embraced the sky that day, with darkened clouds hanging about. Of course, as usual Ai enjoyed to pause their walk and observe the varying intricacies of the all encompassing sky, and Mei loved to observe the her who could adore such a melancholic sight and gaze towards it with such intense radiance. Suddenly it would be as if the blanketed winter sky was not quite so bleak. Neither so life.
However that day it was different. It pained him to look at her, with desperate longing and anguish he held away tucked within the ancient chest of his emotions; however as the invisible and uncontainable air it escaped and enveloped his being whole.
Upon being the focus of her brightened loving gaze she inquired from him the loveliness of the sky, and if he could see a certain ridiculous pattern which had caught her eyes; he shrugged and gifted her with a biting response thus instantly breaking apart her overjoyed expression.
Upon seeing the evacuation of her merry expression he felt that anguishing misery pulse through him. As if that air took the form of volatile waves and rushed at him, proceeding to course through his veins aberrantly.
Mei used to love and amuse himself with the effect he had on her; of how easily he could influence her emotions, of how he easily could steal the lovely cherry crimson upon her cheeks, of how easily he could draw those adorable pouts, of how easily he could extract her enrapturing smile, and of how he easily could instigate the lovely chimes of her laughter.
Then he detested that ability of his. Of how easily he could hurt her. Along with himself.
The entire way he had been relentlessly teasing Ai, which was not out of the norm however there seemed to be a stark discrepancy as to the type of teasing. As for one those felt more like attacks and... Those alluring magnetic oceanic full moons on his face were not carrying the usual gleam of mirth or amusement.
His words harsh and raw yet somehow aloof and seemingly uncaring, stung her somewhat.
If only she knew the hurting he attempted to conceal by this not only from her, but also from himself.
Pausing in her steps at yet another one of his remarks at her obvious attempt at conversation Ai spun slowly to face him. Only displaying the hurt in those expressive pools of hers paired with those slightly arched eyebrows which he could not help but catch - immediately he pushed down the guilt and the hurt - she asked, "Why.. Are you saying all this? Your words... They..." She attempted to form further words to express herself, however before she could do so he responded, "What? Saying what? Don't tell me after 4 years you're going to start taking offence." The hurt amplified itself in her expression, as if acid was once more poured on a layer of peeled burnt living flesh. Once more he shovelled the all consuming guilt and pain away with his frigid hands, just like how the snow was that day in many households.
With a miffed sigh he shoved his slightly chilly ungloved hands in his pockets and wiped the urge to run his hand through his hair away - he knew had to do this - he could not trap her.
"You like me, don't you?" The way her face was instantly taken over by a flush just so red; it seemed like something that would warm up his hands if he were to place them on her cheeks - ah how difficult it was to resist just swooping in for a kiss and just forgetting whatever decision he had to make. Of course he could not do that - not unless he wanted to trap her.
By his own two frosty hands.
Then who would warm them up for him? With that beautifully asymmetrical vivacious smile of hers quite so wide, it seemed like she could never contain it especially around him. The lustrous effulgence in her eyes that always seemed to overflow in his presence - ah he could go on and on just about her, as she was endlessly fascinating and just so aglow with passion and love and endless hopeful dreams.
Of course he could not extinguish her flame just to keep that warmth with him.
Whether he traps her or not, either way his hands would end up chilled once more. The better way was to at least salvage her.
"Well, er, uh, I mean." Flustered she gave wild and sporadic gestures before once slapping her cheeks and quieting down, and just when he was about to go on she answered back with all sincerity, "I.. Don't like you, I love you, a lot, just so so so much." The words cemented down in his throat as if a foot or 2 of snow was stuffed in his esophagus. It was all too difficult to breathe - why - why did she say that; it just made it so much more harder and agonizing.
Fortunately as her flushed face was turned down towards her shoes he swiftly once more regained his spilt nerves, and placing on a leisure filled smug smirk continued on.
"Well, I don't love you," Those simple words drove into her heart; he could see it clearly as no amount of masks could hide the extensive amount of anguish and despair that clutched at her. She instantly became still with her body slouched, with her gloved hands still on her cheeks which then felt as if they attempted to shield her expression away, away from his piercing observative line of vision. Of course they could not though, as his eyes were solely for her and hence looked at her far more than what those trembling hands could have ever hidden.
He had seen all simply everything, and everytime he did so he fell in love with her over and over again each time harder; ah to fall in love with her all over again while having to inflict such suffering upon her.
Once more how he detested himself, along with that revolting ability of his.
Her face turned even more down, as if to camouflage her violently quivering lips and the innumerous tears which fell onto the snow below and dissolved away. So shattered, just so utterly shattered.
He mirrored those feelings. Shattered he felt.
"I always.. Thought you felt the same." A rickety laugh filled with agony and self directed irony came out of her.
"Well, even if I did have any sort of mutual romantic feelings towards you, it would never work out." His tone casual and distant masked away the truth of what he felt, "You never planned on staying in Japan for long after all, you want to travel the world, do you think that would work out? When I'll be a busy professional baseball player here in Japan? I'm surprised you didn't give up before, really, how disillusioned would you have to be to keep hoping. Well, you're naive like that. It was amusing to see till how long you would go on, before you realized this could never happen. You didn't, so I had to say it." He managed to add in an uncaring shrug. His answer smooth and devoid of his actual feelings with not a single quiver, unlike hers.
There was truth in his words though. It could never work out. Mei knew that was why she would abandon all her dreamed visages of wild journeys and stay there. He could never cage her like that.
Ai sniffed, "I-I, don't have to.. Travel the world, y-you know." See he knew it. Even if she wanted to willingly jump into his cage, there was no way he would willingly cage her. Mei never wanted to see her caged, and to that with his own hands... He could not, he simply could not.
His cruel laughter caused her to flinch, "How boring, you think I would want someone who gave up on their dreams so easily? Ah, how boring. And that was if I held any such feelings for you." He would still want her caged or not, but to destroy her just for his selfishness... He could not do it. No matter what.
"I.. I see." She covered her face with her hands and took a shaky breath.
"So... That's wh-why you're acting that way, so... That it's easier for me to move on... Thank you." The anguished pain in her last two words shook his core; he regained his balance and once more shovelled it away.
"What? No, not really, you can think of it that way if it pleases you," He mocked, shrugging.
Ai gave a shaky laugh "You... Seem really distant right now, it really wouldn't..." She took in a shaky breath. "Help me get over you... I don't think I can... ever get over you, I love you so much... Loving you is the best... I'll... Probably keep loving you till the end." Why, why did she keep on saying that. Please stop, that was making it so so so so so much harder.
Mei breathed in, and gulped.
"Well too bad, if you enjoy being in despair that much sure, go ahead."
And with that he parted ways with her, and walked away. His feet shovelling through the snow piled beneath.
Within his pockets his ungloved hands shivered.
"Wait." She grabbed onto his sleeve. Mei turned to look at her, holding onto his indifferent expression.
Ai looked up with a tearful gaze of twinkling galaxies, and it pierced through him, so with a taut jaw he turned away. She observed him in silence for a moment.
Pulling out his hand she encased it within her hands and squeezed gently. "Don't do that Mei... Don't do that. We'll... We'll make it work."
All it had taken was one glance.