Into Oblivion
I'm in a dark place.
I can feel everything; the blood rushing around my body, every beat of my heart, the tears that seem to constantly haunt my eyes yet never run down my cheeks. I can feel everything; yet I feel nothing. I feel numb, I feel lonely, I feel suffocated, I feel alone.
I'm in a dark place.
I can still feel his hands over me; I can feel the place where he held my ass. I can feel the fact that I was so scared of him.
I'm in a dark place.
I can't feel the excitement that I used to get when I used to look at my friends. I can't feel anything anymore.
I'm in a dark place.
I can feel the shame I felt when he shoved my face into his dick. I can feel the hate that I can feel for myself.
I'm in a dark place.
Perhaps that's why I stayed with him; we've been together for two months now. But I know that by being with him, I'm only punishing myself. I like it that way. He knows why I'm with him – and he likes it; he feels secure in the knowledge that he's with someone who is as fucked up as he.
He asks me to pass him his cigarette packet, so I do. It's the same routine after we fuck. We stay clothed, he grunts – I never orgasm, and then he asks me to pass him his cigarettes and I do. I stay here for days; I can't even remember the last time I went to college. I can't remember the last time I saw my friends.
I hear him swearing about the fact that he's out of cigarettes. He asks me to be a darling and go fetch him some more. So I do. I get up, grab my converse and put them on. I don't care about the fact that I haven't had a shower in ages; that my hair is greasy and I smell like Liam's sweat. My eyes are open, wider then I think they ever have been. He tosses me a five pound note, and I grab it.
I walk like a zombie towards the newsagents. Every step I take, I feel like nothing. I feel like a bag floating away in the wind. Yet I still keep on going. Liam is better than any form of self-harm I've ever experienced before. He's like a drug, a drug that numbs things.
"Rae?" I hear my name being called, but I still keep on walking towards the newsagents. Whoever it is – they can't seriously want me. Then I hear my name being called louder, and louder. And now, there's a hand on my shoulder, spinning me round.
I find myself facing Archie; my one time gay best friend – I would still call him that, but I haven't spoken to him in weeks. He feels like a stranger now. Everyone feels like a stranger now; even my Mum.
"Rae what's going on?" He asks, and I open my mouth to answer, but I can't. My words fail me, so instead I just snap my mouth shut instead.
Thing is, about feeling like a plastic bag in the wind, you're easily led. He takes my hand, and pulls me towards the pub. I enter the once familiar place; now it feels like a distant memory. I see everyone hunched around the pub table. And then I see him, looking worse than I've ever seen him.
And I run.
I run faster than I've ever run before, I run out of the pub and down towards the road. I run up the road, and towards the busy motorway bridge.
I've been here once before. I've tried this once before – when I was in a dark place.
I'm in a dark place again.
I close my eyes; listening to everything. I can feel everything. In this moment, I feel more alive than I have ever felt before. And I just know; that this is because, soon I won't be alive.
I take a step out, and step into the road. I keep walking until I feel myself being slammed into, and my body being thrown across the road.
I hear Chloe's high pitched scream. "RAE" and everything goes black.
When I open my eyes, I'm laid on the pavement. I turn to see who's with me. It's Liam.
"Rae – I'm glad you're ok." He said, and I half believe him. Although I can see the smirk lying underneath his concern. I had proved him right; we're just as fucked up as each other. I'm probably more fucked up than him.
"Why aren't I dead?" I whispered, and he shrugged, grabbing a cigarette out of his full cigarette pack. "Dunno."
I look across the road, and I see him again. He's standing there with Archie and Chloe. They're staring at me like I'm some idiot in a mental house in the Victorian period.
I look back at Liam, who's lit his cigarette and is now smoking it.
"Shouldn't I go to the hospital?" I whisper, knowing that now I'll be locked up for good. This sent waves of relief flood through me. They should lock me up and throw away the key.
"Nah – you'll be grand, you're so fat that you rolled off the bonnet of the car." He laughed and I felt the tears finally leave my eyes and roll down my cheeks.
All of a sudden, I feel a rush of air pass me, and Liam's been grabbed by the scruff of his collar. I feel arms wrap around me, and I recognise the sweet smell of Chloe's perfume as she hugs me.
"How fucking dare you – You've done this to her. You're disgusting. You're vermin!" And Liam receives a fist in his face. Next, he's on the floor next to me, and Finn is leaning over him, threatening look in his face – "Stay away from her!"
Liam gets up, and runs away. I've never seen him run so fast. I get up, and look at Chloe a look of apologies in my eyes. I never meant to hurt her, I look to Archie who looks beaten down and scared and then I move my eyes to Finn. His eyes, full of rage and upset stare back. And I can't handle it any longer. I turn and start to run after Liam. If I don't follow him – he'll just be angry later.
But I can't move; someone has hold of my body. Arms have snaked their arms around my waist and I feel safety rush over me. I feel so many feelings rush over me. I haven't felt for so long that I just break down. I break down, and I cry.
I'm in a dark place.
I don't know how I got here – I find myself in Finn's bedroom. And he's holding me. We're lying on his bed, and he's just holding me. My fingers are tracing his jaw line and I feel more tears leave my eyes.
"Why did you stay with him Rae?" He asks, and I close my eyes.
"We're both as fucked up as each other – I deserve him." I whisper, and he pulls me closer to him.
"You don't deserve him – you deserve to be adored, to be looked after, and to be loved." He whispers.
"Why was Liam there when I woke up?" I ask.
"He had just come out of the newsagents, and he shouted after you. But I don't think you could hear him. He followed you all the way up to that road and then just watched as you crossed the road. He did nothing to stop you. It was like he wanted you to die. I don't understand it. I ran and ran, and tried to get there to stop you. Chloe and Archie were too. But we were too late – you were hit by a car." He whispers "Then Liam told us to fuck off, and went after you. He dragged you away from the road and sat with you on the pavement. But I couldn't leave; none of us could. And then you woke up."
Finn stares at me, he looks so scared.
"Rae – I really can't lose you again. Archie called me two nights ago panicking. Apparently you just disappeared off of the edge of the planet; Chloe was gone. Everything was going to pot. I drove back, and we found Chloe. We beat up those tossers who had her basically locked away and rescued her. And when Archie brought you into the pub, we were trying to figure out a way to rescue you. Rae – you looked so un-Raelike. I was so scared. Rae – I really can't lose you again; it would kill me."
I felt more emotions returning to me; I haven't felt like this for ages. I relax more into his hug, and finally feel ready to open up to him.
"Finn – I feel stuff." I whisper, and he giggles.
"Well, I'm glad you feel stuff Rae." And I giggle at his goofy joke.
"You don't understand. I feel emotions, I feel you. I haven't felt anything for ages. Everything's been on repeat. I've been at Liams; we fuck with the lights off, with clothes on. I'm not beautiful enough for him to love. I feel like his servant – and I was OK with that. Don't think that I was kept against my will; Liam was like my own personal form of self-harm. And I needed that more than ever. It felt so good for everything that I thought about myself to be confirmed. The fact that my boyfriend didn't even want to see me naked – made me feel so good." I look up to him, and can see a mixture of anger and love in his face. "But you are making the feelings return."
He pushes his lips down onto mine, holding me closer than he has ever held me before. I snake my arms around his neck. He is literally crushing my body with his; I have never felt so loved.
"What do you feel now?" He asks; between kisses and against my lips.
"That you love me." I reply and he rolls me onto my back.
"What do you feel now?" He asks; looking at me straight in my face.
"That you want me."
He fiddles with the bottom of my top, and goes to take it off. But I stop him.
"Finn – I can't. I don't deserve it."
"Rae; you told me that when you're with Liam, you fuck with the lights off, with your clothes on because you're not beautiful enough for him to love." He tells me, and I nod, fresh tears running down my face.
"Well, when you're with me, I want to make love with you with the lights on, with your clothes off; because you're perfect and beautiful. I love you Rachel Earl, for so many reasons; and I am desperate to prove to you, just how worthy you are."