Then and Now
Cheryl gave an almost silent tut as she entered the office.
"What're you doing locked away in here?" she said, handing him a fresh cup of coffee.
"Working," he replied flatly, pushing a newspaper to one side and scribbling across one of the account books.
Cheryl didn't take this as the hint it was meant to be and took a seat on the sofa instead.
"Looks to me like you're hiding,"
Brendan scoffed, flicking through pages. "I'm busy sis,"
"You know, no one's judging you,"
Brendan licked the corner of his mouth in a second's hesitation before ploughing on with the mindless skimming of accounts.
Cheryl paused for a moment as she fiddled with one of the sequined cushions that she'd chosen for the office. She didn't have any problem with gay men, in fact she considered herself of being very accepting of their kind, she'd even flirted with some of them before.
"I love that gay one in EastEnders – you know, the one with all the muscles and oh, Alan Carr. Alan Carr! He makes me laugh!" she laughed loudly at this like she'd just remembered one of his jokes, missing out completely on the look of horror that crossed her brother's face.
"No one minds these days do they?" she added.
Brendan pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "Are you still talking sis or can I get on with running the club?"
"Take the day off won'cha?" she seemed to stumble on her next choice of words which was unusual for Cheryl, so unusual that Brendan looked up.
"Spit it out," he snapped.
"There's someone here to see ya,"
"Get rid of 'em,"
"I haven't even told you who it is yet!"
"Don't care," Brendan said slamming the book shut and rifling in one of the drawers for something.
"It's Amy Barnes," Cheryl said, focusing in on the subtle change in expression in his face. It was for less than a second, but she saw it today and wondered how she could have missed it for all these years.
"Oh yeah?" he said sarcastically, "Not interested."
"I think you are." Cheryl didn't let him response, she trotted out of the room, leaving the door ajar and letting Amy pass through.
"And what d'you want?" Brendan said without looking up.
"Nice to see you too," she said frostily. She remained standing, folding her arms.
"Is it?"
Brendan put down his pen, reclined in his seat and put up his familiar front.
"Well," Amy began, "Secret's out. You're out. How does it feel?"
Brendan winced through a smile.
"Is this a courtesy call because some of us have work to do,"
"I'm here because of Ste," Amy said, "But you knew that,"
He'd guessed as much, but hearing it out loud rocked his demeanour for a moment. "I'm happy for him,"
Amy rolled her eyes. "If only it was that simple,"
Brendan pretended not to take on board what she was saying, he picked up items on the desk, moved them around, dipped in and out of his crossword.
"Noah's a lovely guy. Sweet, caring, comfortable in his own skin. He's good for Ste,"
"And as I said, I'm happy for them," Brendan said through clenched teeth.
"He's in love with you!" Amy cried shrilly, "Noah doesn't stand a chance. And you've no idea how much I wish Ste wasn't stupid enough to be hung up on you, but he is. And I know you feel the same. Even if you're too ashamed to admit it,"
Brendan slammed down his coffee mug, standing up sharply. Amy retreated back from the table.
"Stephen's with someone else, he's happy, he's safe – it's what you've always wanted. So why are you here Amy?"
"Because you're what he wants and he's too proud to come here and tell you himself,"
Brendan sat again, pressing a fist against his forehead.
/x/
On the bus, Ste checked his phone. He expected the text to be from Noah. He was planning a night out, but truth be told Ste wasn't really feeling up to it. He felt like going back to his own flat for a change, spending some time with the kids, pigging out on junk food not thinking about the nutritional value of what he was eating and how many crunches he'd need to do to burn it off. Noah had made every food item a chore. What was wrong with something bad for you every now and again?
The text was from Amy.
Need to chat. Come back to the flat when you're back from town x
When he got to the flat, Amy was standing in the hallway helping Leah with her coat.
"Oh, you off out?" Ste asked.
Amy looked uneasy for a moment and her eyes flicked to the living room. Ste did a double take when he saw Brendan, tucking a scarf around Lucas' neck.
"What you doing 'ere?" Ste asked, immediately on the defensive.
"I asked him," Amy said. She turned to her son, "Come on Lucas," she smiled, watching him toddle over from Brendan. She took the kids' hands and looked at Ste, "I'll leave you to it."
When the door shut, Brendan climbed back to his feet and Ste's anger began to subside, his brow furrowing in confusion.
Ste brushed past him, busying himself with making a drink.
"I thought you'd have left Hollyoaks by now," Ste said, his jaw tight in frustration, "That's what you do when things get too difficult innit? Run away,"
"It wasn't long ago you wanted to leave with me,"
Ste scoffed, colouring red at the tips of his ears. "That were ages ago,"
"Yeah," Brendan said, moving in closer. He folded his arms and rested his back against one of the kitchen counters. Brendan watched Ste eyelashes flick in rapid succession against his face as he tried to concentrate on his tea making.
"So Cheryl ain't kicked you out in disgust cos you're queer? There's a surprise," Ste said mirroring Brendan's own language, unconsciously pouring Brendan a cup too.
Brendan gave a mock snort of laughter before his face returned to a grimace. "It was never just her Stephen,"
Ste pressed his hands into his face. "How was I ever meant to understand your problem? You never told me anything!"
Brendan continued to give nothing away in his stony expression when they locked eyes and Ste soon gave up with a sigh.
"You know what, it doesn't even matter anyway," Ste said, "I don't know why Amy invited you here,"
Brendan reached across and picked up the mug meant for him. "Stephen you've got as much clue as I have,"
Ste looked into the mug, where the liquid still swirled from his irritated stirring. "Why did you come then?"
The corner of his mouth twisted into a smile. "I'm not one to get on the wrong side of Amy."
Ste scoffed.
"Anymore," Brendan added.
When all they could hear was the repetitive dripping of the tap in the kitchen, Brendan spoke again. Softer this time, less front.
"Truth is. I miss having you around,"
Ste lowered his head. "You miss having someone to push around."
Brendan cleared his throat, eyes darting to the ceiling and back. "I miss you,"
"Well you're too late,"
"I know. He's nice. He's a nice guy."
"Yep," Ste stated, "He hasn't hurt me. He won't hurt me,"
Unable to deny what Ste was saying, Brendan stood still in silence. Amy was wrong, whatever Ste felt he was better off with Noah. He wasn't sure if he'd ever be able to give Ste what he needed.
"We could've had something you and me," Ste said softly, "I thought we did once,"
"Well you're better off without me,"
Ste put down his mug, the tea slopping out of one side and dripping on the surface. "What if I'm not?"
"What?" Brendan said, his voice a quiet choke.
"I'm sick and tired of being told what I want, what I need, what I should want!" Ste cried, the frustration ringing loudly, "I know my own mind,"
"Do ya?"
"Yeah," Ste said, edging forward towards Brendan. "I still want you,"
Brendan exhaled slowly, flicking down his eyes to see Ste's fingertips were just brushing over the fabric of his suit sleeve.
"And Noah?"
"He's a nice guy but he's not you."
"I'm the bad guy Stephen, you know that."
"And I'm no saint either am I?" Ste said. His eyes were wide and pleading as he put his hand over Brendan's.
"You changed your ways,"
"And you can't?"
"It's who I am Stephen. I'm bad news, I'm a nasty piece of work. You've got something good going with Noah, don't ruin it,"
Ste let his hand slide away and his teeth grit together. "I don't want him. You know I don't. I want you,"
Brendan held the mug tightly in his hand, he knew what was coming next.
"I love you," Ste said.
Brendan closed his eyes for a moment, giving a tight smile that masked a number of emotions. He rested the mug on the side by the sink and when his arm brushed past Ste, he let it linger before finally, like an old habit, tucked Ste's hair behind his ear.
"It's different now innit? I mean you don't have to snog me in public but everyone knows who you are now-"
Brendan pressed a finger against Ste's lips. Ste smiled and he returned it, small and slight from the corners of his mouth.
Ste let his hand slide up the front of Brendan's shirt, around and into his thick hair. His eyes looked over Brendan's face, watching carefully for the spikes of fear that clouded his eyes sometimes, but he seemed calm and different. Still Brendan, still holding back but more vulnerable.
Brendan kissed him tenderly on the lips. Just slow and once, like a reminder or answer.
"So?" Ste asked.
"What'd you think?" he said, his voice lowered to a tremble in Ste's ear, "I want you."