A/N: A random yet slightly twisted idea – what if The Joker and Batman ended up as contestants on Big Brother? In later chapters, a crossover may ensue… And eh, I know that the clown accomplices are shot down… but hey. This is my fan fiction, so I can bend the rules a little. The story will flit between two views; the Big Brother view, and the view of myself and my two best friends, who are going to be completely hooked on the show. Enjoy!
'Why the hell did I ever agree to this?'
Bruce Wayne was sitting in the lounge of the Big Brother house, with just seconds of his freedom remaining. There were only a few minutes before the show went on air for the first time that year, and he wanted to hold onto his last piece of sanity, thank you very much!
He sank back into the lime green armchair, a sigh blowing from his lips. The Joker, who was also going to be a contestant, was looking exuberant; he was lying on the couch with his legs sticking over the arm, humming a loud and annoying tune. 'Aw, lighten up Bats--'
'Shut up, you pathetic blob of insignificance! You're not meant to know my true identity…' Bruce stood up on the arm chair, wobbling slightly as he posed. 'I am the Dark—'
'Moron?'
'No, I am the Dark…'
'Catastrophe?' The Joker watched Bruce with mild interest, glancing at his reflection in the compact mirror that was held with care in his leather gloves.
'WOULD YOU SHUT UP?' roared Bruce, falling down in a heap on his armchair. He shot the Joker a rather reproachful look, which, when noticed, only received a sarcastic smirk in response.
'Calm down, Brucey… why so serious?' The Joker sat up straight, his expression slightly amused as he surveyed the other man. Really, this 'Big Brother' saga had all been a matter of what he liked to call… fate.
'Whoa, whoa, whoa… Aren't there meant to be other people here?' Bruce glanced around, as if expecting an answer to bounce of those cheerfully painted walls that were surrounding him.
The Joker shrugged carelessly in response, examining his nails. 'Do you think I should have painted them red – you know – to match my lips?'
At that moment, several new housemates entered the house, looking at the two men curiously. 'Excellent … I think,' breathed the Joker, 'My clown accomplices have joined me. And where are your buddies, Brucey-boo?'
'Right here, you pathetic blob--' Alfred waltzed in, wearing a smart suit, his hair smooth.
'Oh perlease, I'm not even fat.' The Joker waggled his slender fingers in Bruce's direction, before making a prude gesture at Alfred, which he ignored.
Bruce stood up and gave his old friend a one armed hug. 'Alfred, let's think of some new insults for him.'
'Right you are, Master Wayne.'
Bruce nodded. 'Right, so we have me here—'
The Joker
muttered something to Grumpy, and the two glanced in Bruce's
direction.
'Joker's clown people things--'
Smiley, another accomplice, grinned. 'What a vocab,' he whispered to Dopey, who had been staring into space for quite some time.
'Uh, Joker himself of course,' continued Bruce nervously.
The Joker waved sarcastically and his accomplices clapped. 'Do I get to make a speech, Ba—Brucey?'
Bruce ignored him. 'And, uh, Alfred here.'
Alfred smiled.
'So basically,' continued the Joker, his expression defiant, 'You've just established what we already knew--'
Suddenly, a voice blared out across the house, cutting the would be argument short. 'This is Big Brother, will all the housemates gather on the Sofas?'
Three of the Joker's accomplices shared nervous glances, Dopey continued to stare into space, Alfred perched on a yellow armchair that had a few dodgy tomato sauce stains (he would definitely have to clean it up later), and Bruce was sitting comfortably in the lime green chair. He'd grown rather accustomed to it; perhaps when he was back in America he'd order several dozen. Not for any particular reason, of course…
'No!' yelled Joker loudly, causing Bruce to groan and bury his face in his hands, 'I will not 'gather on the sofa' – what am I, a couch potato?'
'Big Brother will not ask again, Joker.'
Grumbling, the Joker flounced towards were Bruce was sitting and sat on his knee. 'Get off!' complained Bruce, but was cut off by the unseen voice once more.
'Welcome to Big Brother. You have all been selected as housemates, and by becoming a housemate, you must abide by all house rules, which will be listed shortly.'
The Joker snuggled closer to Bruce, batting his eyelashes to provoke him more.
'Rule one – no violent language. Rule two – no weapons. Rule three –'
'No weapons?' whispered the Joker, looking mortified.
'—there is to be no contact with the outside world. Rule four…'
The rules continued for quite some time and at the end of the last rule ('Housemates must get up when they hear the alarm,') everybody looked startled. The Joker was sulking on Bruce's knee, Alfred looked mildly surprised about the shopping budget, The clown accomplices looked unsure … but Bruce just looked smug.
'Big Brother is now on air.'
'Now on air, eh?' The Joker bounced of Bruce's knee and proceeded to do skillfull cartwheels across the room.
'Hey!' Alfred stood up, a pissed off expression on his elderly face, 'You might break something! That's Rule #64!'
CRASH!
'Oh, bollocks,' cried the Joker as he rolled onto a coffee table which promptly split in half, the wood flying in all directions. 'HE HA HE HA HE HA!'
And, as if by magic, that bored, robotic voice sounded once more. 'Will The Joker please come to the diary room?'
'Yes, yes I fucking will.' He stood up, brushing himself down with a slightly embarrased expression, before skipping towards the Diary room. The other housemates shook their heads, and Alfred sighed. 'Master Wayne, your priorities will be on hold, as I should clean this mess up…'
Bruce nodded vaguely. 'Alright, no problem Alfred.' He glanced at the Clown Accomplices, who, on noticing their leader had left the room, began to relax more – they undid their ties and kicked off their shoes, wiggling their toes and snuggling against the couches.
Upon entering the diary room, the Joker had leapt into the big red seat, pulling his knees up to his face, looking around excitedly.
'Joker, within minutes of being in the Big Brother house, you have already broken a rule. We can help you control your anger if you wish…'
'Anger? I'm sorry, but what anger? That – that display you just saw – that was of GLEE!' He frowned, pouting his lips like a small child.
There was a pause.
'Big Brother can help you control your emotions, Joker, would you like that?'
The Joker shrugged, not really listening.
Another pause.
'As you have broken a house rule, you will have to be punished.'
The Joker's face broke into a wide, genuine smile. 'Smashing! Am I going to get slapped across the bleeeeep?'
His face broke into surprise and disgust. 'Bleep bleep bleep bleep bleeeeeep! Why the bleep is it bleeping?'
'You're not permitted to swear on air—'
'Pshhh….'
'Joker, for your punishment, Big Brother has decided that you will have to sleep with a man.'
'Sorry mate, I don't swing that way…' He flashed a cocky grin towards the camera.
'Joker, if you don't do comply with the punishment set for you, then Big Brother will have no alternative but to remove you.'
His expression faltered. 'But I've just got here!'
'You choose to comply with Big Brother then, Joker?'
'I suppose—'
'You may now leave the diary room.'
And so out the Joker went, looking rather like a dog who had just been sent to it's kennel without food. Sulkingly, he lay in the centre of the room, making loud racing car noises to show his irritation.
'Well, we did tell you…' Bruce stood up smugly, wandering over to his arch nemesis, hands deep in pockets. 'What's your punishment, then, old chum?'
For the faintest moment, the Joker's skin below his obscene make-up glowed red.
Bruce grinned. 'It MUST be embarrassing! Come on, tell us …'
'Don't want to…' replied the Joker childishly, giving Bruce the middle finger. Alfred paused next to Bruce, watching the Joker in vain.
'If,' said Alfred, in a voice that showered the room with authority, 'I am going to live in this… place, then you'll have to clean up after yourself. I won't be doing it next time!'
'It's okay, Alfred—' Bruce nodded towards the Joker, 'I'll sort him out.'
'I hope you do, Master Wayne, you're probably the only one who can.' Alfred padded over to the kitchen and began to sort through the pots and pans that were neatly arranged in order by size.
'Oh, you'll be sorting me out, Bat--Brucey? I look forward to it.' The Joker shot Bruce a devilish smirk before resuming loud and irritating car noises.
oooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooo
The next day at Sixth form, Mel and Steph were lingering happily in the classroom, chattering about Last night's Big Brother.
'I don't usually watch it,' admitted Steph, glancing up from her book to look at Mel, who was typing in a frenzied manner on her laptop, 'But I must admit, it was rather…'
'Enlightening? Amazing? Spectacular?' Mel glanced up from her laptop, her lips set in a manic grin, 'I thought that Joker guy was superb…'
'You would,' teased Steph, 'you always go for the villains, you do…'
Mel shrugged, exiting out of a document within a few seconds. 'Can you blame me?' She unplugged the laptop and began to bundle it into her bag, not aware that Steph had a rather serious expression on her face.
'You know…' said Steph, breaking the silence, 'I thought Bruce was rather cute…'
'Say no more!' ordered Sami, strutting into the classroom and sitting on the table, dangling her legs which exposed brand new converses, 'That Brucey boy is mine…'
Steph smirked, tossing her dark curls off her face and blowing a raspberry at her other best friend in response. Sami rolled her eyes and glanced at Mel. 'Hey Mel, do you want to go to the cinema tonight? You can come too, Steph.'
Mel looked at Sami as if she was insane. 'Are you kidding? There's no way I'm missing Big Brother!'
'Same,' Steph agreed, 'I'm just dying to know what's happened.'
Sami frowned. 'Oh, okay…'
'How about,' Mel suggested, standing up as she shoved her laptop in her bag with difficulty, 'You two come over to my place – we can get pizza and coke or something, and watch the next episode?'
'Sounds good to me!'
The bell rang, hindering anymore conversation, and the three girls laughingly took their seats as registration for the day began.