The following story is brought to you by Jill's strange and slightly demented mind, with the help of EeBee-kohai. The ideas within are all their own, though the characters are owned by Kishimoto Masashi.
This story is a Crack fiction. Take it seriously, and your brain may explode. ^_^
Slight OOC-ness. Slight AU. Lots of crack. I love Crack. Lil' DeiDei's a rapist. Save EeBee-kohai!
Spoiler warning if you haven't watched all the anime. You should be good if you're up-to-date on the manga, though. Oh, and I recommend reading 'Workplace?' to fully appreciate the part about Pein…
I wanna join the Mafia! Where do I sign up?
Tenten had been asked to help train Neji and was getting really ticked off. The stupid fate-obsessed guy wouldn't get a life and understand that destiny is crap.
"Tenten," said-whiner whined. "You're not really helping me. All you are doing is throwing kunai at me."
Tenten frowned. She had really been hoping to land a fatal hit on him. She pulled one of her scrolls out of its holster, and jumped up into the air. Flipping over, she flicked it open, and pulled out her Nunchaku. She twisted her body to land near Neji and glared down upon the Hyuuga. She landed, at full speed, next to him and flicked her Nunchaku toward him. 'Oh, this is hell. He's STILL ALIVE.'
"Agh!" Neji screamed loudly, throwing his hands up into the air, and running quickly away.
"What the hell?" Tenten said. "He just... left?"
Lee popped up out of nowhere. "Yes, youthful Tenten, he just... left."
"What are you doing here?"
"... I'm not..." and he disappeared.
"Well, that was strange," said Tenten, before she shrugged and put the Nunchaku away. She sent her weapons back into her scrolls, and decided she would go look for Sakura and Ino to see if they wanted to hang out. She would have looked for Hinata, but it was likely that Neji was at home with her, and Tenten wasn't sure she could deal with the rather stupid Hyuuga at the moment.
"Neji is such a weenie," Tenten said sadly.
"Hey, Tennnnnyyyy!" Ino waved.
"Don't call me that," Tenten growled.
"Hehe," Sakura giggled.
Tenten punched them into the dirt. "Next time, don't call me that," she said in a Mafia voice. Lee popped up out of nowhere (again) and handed her a cigar. "Thanks!" she thanked him.
"No problem!" Lee said before poofing away.
"Is Lee in the Mafia?" she asked herself. Deciding she would try to find out today, she walked towards the place she thought he would be.
After all, if Lee is in the Mafia, Tenten wants to join too.
She skipped in a very... Mafia-like way. It's such a Mafia thing to do (because everyone knows the Mafia like to skip...).
Tenten arrived at the place. The place where darkness (and drugs) seeps into your skin just by stepping through the door. The place where a bright eye becomes a hate-filled disk. The place where happiness is beat with a jagged stick. The place where there is no escape but through heartlessness.
She arrived at the Dango stand.
Anko smiled at her. "Hi, Tenten, what's up?"
Tenten looked around carefully, to make sure no one was listening in. "I want to join the Mafia," she said.
Anko's eyes widened before she smiled broadly. "You've come to the right place, kid."
"Wait, Anko, you're a member of the Mafia?" Tenten asked
Hinata popped up with a giant pink machine gun over her shoulder. "Yeah. She's my best worker. Good loyalty. ANKO! GET ME SOME MORE CIGARS!"
"Ye-yes, Hinata-hime!" Anko scurried off.
Tenten's eyes widened. "Does Rock Lee work for you as well?" she asked.
Hinata regarded her carefully, activating her Byakugan without a word. "Hmm," she said thoughtfully. "I suppose I can tell you. Yes, Lee does work for me. He's my recruiter. Well," she paused, "that's not entirely true. I pick out the people I want to recruit, and he spies on them to make sure they are acceptable."
"Is that why he was put on my team?" Tenten asked, suddenly understanding a lot more about her green-wearing teammate than ever before.
"Well, he was originally looking to recruit my cousin, Neji, but he turned out to be...unsuitable. You weren't really a consideration."
"But, then why are you telling me this?" Tenten couldn't help feeling a little disappointed that Hinata had not considered her as a candidate for joining the mob. A lone tear escaped her eye. 'Mob DON'T cry!' "I... Uh... got something in my eye...?"
Hinata rolled her Mafia eyes. "Yeah, sure you did," she said to the brunette.
Tenten looked guiltily at the floor. There was no way she would be allowed to join the mob now...
"It's OK, Tenten. It is untrue that Mafia must hide their emotions. We are the most emotional people out there. But," she said. "You must pass a test to determine if you can join the mob. You must go through the Mafia Rite of Passage."
Tenten gulped. "The–the Mafia Rite of Passage?" she asked in a worried tone.
Hinata nodded. "Yes. It is the test all Mafia members must pass before they are allowed to join. If you fail, we will kill you. If you pass...well, you'll find out." Hinata smiled evilly and took a long drag on her cigar.
"Hey, Hinata-chan!" a familiar voice shouted.
Tenten was worried. Did Naruto know about the Mafia? Did he know Hinata was the leader of the Mafia?
"Hey, Babe," Hinata replied. She placed her arm carelessly around his shoulder, and allowed him to take her cigar, which he took a puff on and then promptly began choking violently.
"Crap! I still can't smoke these things!" Naruto yelled.
Lee popped up and quickly healed the blonde with glowing green medical chakra.
Tenten stared at him wide-eyed. "Lee! I thought you couldn't use Chakra!" she said.
Lee smirked at her. "It's all part of the disguise. There's so much you don't know about me, Tenten." At this, he pulled on his face, and the skin came away to reveal his real face underneath. It was the same, except he had a mustache.
Tenten gasped. "Lee! You have a mustache!" She couldn't help but think that he looked ten times cuter than before, but she did her best not to stare, lest he realized her feelings.
However, based on the way he was still smirking at her, Tenten got the feeling he already knew.
So she bravely said, "I love mustaches," to test his reaction.
His smirk grew. "I know." Then he poofed away.
"So, anyway," Naruto said. "I went to Ichiraku to see if Teuchi had our latest order of supplies, but it apparently hasn't come in yet."
Tenten felt her eyes widen once again. "Teuchi is involved in the Mafia as well?"
Naruto smiled at her. "Of course! Did you really think I liked ramen that much?" he asked her.
"...Yeah..." she said after a moment.
Naruto smiled slightly. "Well, OK, fine, I do. But whatever."
Hinata coughed slightly to get their attention. "Naruto," she said to her boyfriend/right-hand man, "you must help Tenten go through… the Mafia Rite of Passage," she said.
Naruto gasped. "The–the Mafia Rite of Passage?" he said, looking frightened.
Hinata nodded severely. "Yes. We must test her."
Naruto nodded back. "OK. Have you explained the purpose of the Mafia to her yet?" he asked the white-eyed girl.
Hinata shook her head. "No, I hadn't got to it yet."
"Well, I'll take care of it," Naruto assured her. He leaned in for a quick peck on Hinata's lips before he grabbed Tenten's arm and dragged her away.
"Where are my cigars, Anko?!" they heard Hinata yell as they walked down the street.
Tenten listened intently to Naruto's explanation of the purpose of the Mafia.
"So basically, the Mafia smuggles drugs, women, weapons, and ramen?" she asked when he was finished.
"Yes," Naruto said.
"I see," Tenten said. This made so much sense! It explained all the questions she had gathered over the years about her fellow Konoha Shinobi. "So who is not involved in the Mafia?" she asked Naruto, thinking this explanation would be much shorter than the list of people in the organization.
"Well," Naruto said, thinking. "Orochimaru is obviously NOT a member of the mob. He's insane and pedophiliac. Zaku was, though, until he died. And Kin was as well. But then that stupid snake killed them." Naruto narrowed his eyes. "Luckily, we sent Sasuke to the Sound, so he'll be able to wipe Orochimaru out for us."
Tenten resisted the urge to feel shocked at this news. "Who else?" she asked.
"Um, Pein of the Akatsuki is not a member, neither is that Zetsu guy cause he just bugs me. We were going to let Tobi in, but then we found out that he is Madara and has a serious issue with Tsunade-baa-chan's family. His vengeance issues are worse than Sasuke can ever hope to pretend to have. That guy is a loser. Madara, I mean."
"Right," Tenten nodded, digesting this information.
"Itachi is a member of the Mafia, obviously. He was too good to turn down, so the Sandaime, the previous leader before Hinata took over, let him in when we were all still little. Sasori wasn't a member. Hinata was too creeped out by the thought that he was a puppet, not a real person, plus, the Mafia Rite of Passage wouldn't have been as effective on him as on a normal person. Gaara joined after our battle, and so did his siblings, but no one else from Suna is involved."
"Hmm," Tenten said. She was still struggling to comprehend the information about Madara, and now Naruto was telling her the Sandaime was the previous leader of the Mafia. "Is Tsunade-sama a member of the mob?" she asked the blonde, remembering his statement regarding the woman.
Naruto nodded. "Of course. So is Kakashi-sensei, Yamato-taichou, and Sai. And Shikamaru, and Chouji, and Kiba, and Shino. Neji and Hiashi are the only two Hyuuga members I know by name who aren't involved, and we're still working on convincing Hanabi to join us. I think my fight with Neji in the Chuunin Exams has helped change her opinion of her dad, but it certainly is taking a while."
"I see."
"We don't have any other ROOT or ANBU members, but we're still working. I'd like to get Genma, Raido, and Izumo, Kotetsu, and all them on our side as well, but it's taking some time. No council members, though. We're going to kill them," he stated.
Tenten nodded.
"Also, Deidara and Kisame are members. When Deidara joined, we had a little trouble with his paperwork. He claims he's a man, but, since we require photo identification, we had quite a few doubts. It took a couple of months and sworn testimonies by Fish-man and Itachi-san to clear the whole issue up."
"Um," Tenten started. She wasn't sure how to word this, but she continued on nervously anyway. "How will smuggling ramen help all this?" she asked.
"I'm glad you asked," Naruto smiled at her. "Ramen makes the world go round. If the Mafia becomes the main distributor of it, we will be more in control of people's fates than even Neji believes he is!"
"OK," Tenten said slowly. Then she thought of something. "You said Sasori would have had no problems with the testy thingy, right?"
Naruto nodded.
"Good," she said, relieved.
"'Good'?" he echoed. "Why 'good'? Are you part puppet?" He narrowed his eyes at her.
"No," she answered quickly. "But if that idiot could do well, I'm sure I can too!"
Lee popped up. "I agree." Then he disappeared.
"…OK…" Tenten blinked. "So, what is the Mafia Rite of Passage, anyway?"
"Tenten, it is not just the Mafia Rite of Passage. It is THE MAFIA RITE OF PASSAGE!!!!!"
Tenten blinked… again. "OK…? What does it entail?"
"What does 'entail' mean?" Naruto asked.
Lee popped up with a dictionary in hand. "YOUTHFUL COMRADE IN THE MAFIA: it means 'to impose as a burden." For example, 'success entails hard work.'" And he poofed away.
"Lee is sooo helpful!" Tenten exclaimed.
Naruto looked at her slyly. "You loooveee him!" He pointed at her and laughed.
"NO! I DON'T!" she denied vehemently.
"So, back to the subject of the test. The test will have three stages. The first will be a retrieval mission. You have to steal Orochimaru's bingo book," Naruto said. "Begin," he said, disappearing before she could ask for any more details.
"Eh?" She rushed off immediately, wondering if she had a deadline or not. She shrugged and ran toward Orochimaru's hideout.
Sasuke cut down the many men running toward his big, and long, and strong, and amazing…sword.
Meanwhile, Orochimaru drooled. Kabuto threw up.
Suddenly, Tenten charged into the clearing in the midst of a hale of Kunai. "Howdy!" she exclaimed.
She waved at Sasuke and shouted, "I'm in the Mafia! Don't tell anyone!"
Orochimaru clapped his hands together in delight. "I want to join the Mafia! Where do I sign up?" he exclaimed excitedly.
"Sorry, you can't join. They have a Minimum Tan Requirement. It's the MTR," Tenten informed Michael Jackson's very near relative.
"Poopy. I wanted to joooiiinnn!!!" Orochimaru pouted.
"Don't worry, Orochimaru-chan, we have our own Evil-Villain-Obsessed-With-Purple-Eye-Shadow Club. Also known as Otogakure," Kabuto comforted his leader.
"Oh, yeah! We have a whole city. They just have an organization! YAY!" Orochimaru danced like Michael Jackson.
"Anyway…" Tenten said dismissively. "I have a bingo book to steal… so HAND IT OVER!"
Orochimaru raised his eyebrows. (Does he even have eyebrows?) "Nope."
Tenten pulled out a Kunai. "Hand it over, Baka."
"AHHHHH!!! HERE IT IS!!!" he screeched. He quickly pulled the book out of his mouth and handed it to her. She grabbed it and held it as far away from her as possible with as few fingers as possible.
"…Ew…" she said disgustedly as she wiped it on Kabuto.
"Yay! I have a whole part of Orochimaru all to myself!" Kabuto exclaimed happily.
Tenten stopped for a moment. "You do realize this is spit, right?"
"Yeah, but it's Orochimaru's spit," he replied.
"Yuck," Tenten said.
Sasuke nodded. "You see what I have to deal with every day?" he asked her as if they had been having a conversation about it before.
"You have my greatest sympathies," Tenten assured him, placing the book carefully into a scroll, and preparing to make her leave.
"Wait, don't go!" Orochimaru said. "Kabuto made brownies!"
"I don't like brownies," she answered.
Orochimaru looked away dejectedly.
Tenten sighed. "Fine, I'll stay for brownies."
"Yay!" Orochimaru clapped his hands together, and grabbed her arm, leading her inside. Kabuto hung back, glaring shuriken at Tenten's form, jealousy lighting his eyes.
"You really should have gotten out of here when you had the chance," Sasuke told her quietly as they sat at the table, waiting for Orochimaru to bring in the brownies and coffee.
"Why?" Tenten asked. "What are they planning on doing with me?"
Sasuke only stared furtively at the door in response.
Kabuto walked in, and said, "Tenten-san, do you like the piano?"
Tenten nodded.
"Good! Then I will play something for you." Kabuto walked over to the piano and sat down upon the stool. Flexing his fingers, he tapped his feet against the pump-parts of the instrument, and turned towards Tenten. "Any particular piece you wish to hear?" he asked her.
"My favorite's are Bach and Chopin," she told him.
"Excellent!" Kabuto beamed. Then he pressed his fingers against the keys and began to play. "Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb," he screeched out.
Orochimaru came running into the room. "What's with the racket? All of my best china broke in the kitchen when I started to make the tea!" He spotted Kabuto at the piano, and narrowed his eyes. "What are you doing?" he hissed at the man, whose mouth was still open for the high note.
"Um," Kabuto quickly shut his mouth.
Sasuke sighed. "At times like these, I wonder why I volunteered myself for this mission."
Tenten nodded sympathetically.
"I suppose I was the best suited for the job, though," he continued. "I mean, Itachi had already killed the clan and joined the Akatsuki, so I have no connections to Konoha, and can produce a 'reasonable' excuse for wanting to run off with Orochimaru…but still, I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I hadn't agreed to pretend to be a vengeance-obsessed freak with bad hair."
"Wait, I thought Itachi was in the Mafia?" Tenten asked, confused.
"Oh, he is," Sasuke assured her. "He's just, like me, pretending his loyalty lies elsewhere in order to get information from our enemies and help eliminate some foes."
"Oh." Tenten paused. "What does your hair really look like?" she asked.
Sasuke smirked at her. "Wouldn't you like to know?"
"Kabuto, you destroyed my best dishes!" Orochimaru whined meanwhile.
"I'm sorry, Orochimaru-sama," Kabuto said, looking down at the floor.
"Sneak out now, and I'll cover for you," Sasuke told Tenten, who, once again, had ridiculously wide eyes as she viewed the scene.
"…Yeah…"
"Did you get it?" Hinata asked, pausing in her cigar-smoking long enough to ask the question. Beside her, on a desk next to the sofa she was sitting on, sat an ashtray, overflowing with cigars that looked, to Tenten, an inexperienced cigar-smoker, as if they could be recycled three times over, and still have more use.
Tenten nodded. "Here it is," she said pulling the bingo book from the scroll she had inserted in earlier.
Hinata took the book, and opened, eyes flicking over the pages. "Excellent! We now have more information on potential enemies and potential recruits!" She tossed the book behind her, where Anko scrambled to catch it.
"Ouch," Anko said as the book hit her head rather painfully.
"Shut up, Anko!" Hinata said. "Looks like you're ready for the next test," she said to Tenten.
Tenten waited, trying to mask her eagerness. Mafia can't be too eager.
Naruto bounded into the hideout beneath the Dango stand, ramen noodles dangling from his mouth. "I rushed right over as soon as I heard Kabuto hit the high note!" he shouted.
"You were there?" Tenten asked, surprised once more. 'Dammit, will I ever stop being so surprised?' she asked herself.
Naruto nodded. "Yeah, I saw the whole thing. You did good, kid, you did good."
It was odd for Tenten to hear someone both younger and shorter than her call her kid but she said nothing.
"Anyway, the next part of the test will be–"
"Hey, wait," Tenten interrupted. "Is Jiraiya in the mob?"
"Oh. Did I not mention him?" Naruto scratched the back of his head sheepishly, while Hinata sighed and lit up another cigar. "Yeah, he founded it with the Sandaime one day while they were having a Peep-Fest."
"Oh. OK." Tenten wasn't really sure what she imagined the founding of the mob to be like, but that definitely was not it. A Peep-Fest? Wooow.
"So, what I want you to do next," Naruto said, "is to wipe out the Elders."
"All of them?" Tenten asked breathlessly. She really wanted to join the Mafia, but she didn't think this would be possible.
"No, not all of them," Naruto said, waving his hand, and knocking Hinata's cigar from her mouth. It hit Anko on the head.
"Ow, that burns," Anko said.
"I want you to try to eliminate Homura," Naruto stated. "That woman gave the Sandaime lots of crap for many years. It is time for her to be exterminated."
Tenten shivered at Naruto's hard Mafia glare. Hinata struggled with a match, which for some reason, was not cooperating with her attempt to light her four hundred and sixty-seventh cigar of the day.
"Anko, empty my ash tray!" Hinata demanded.
Anko hurried to comply, muttering under her breath about why couldn't Hinata get a new minion, dammit. Anko deeply wished Kotetsu and Izumo would join the mob; they were used to gopher duty.
"Well, get started right away!" Naruto said to Tenten.
"Um, can I get a little more information?" Tenten asked. "Or maybe some weapons?" she requested.
Naruto slapped his palm to his forehead. "Of course! Why didn't you say something earlier? Follow me!" He charged out of the room, and down a hallway, leading Tenten to the Mafia Weapon Room.
He opened the door and Tenten gasped. The sight before her… was beautiful. So many weapons.
So shiny.
So many shiny weapons.
Tenten fainted.
Naruto waved a palm frantically in front of her, hoping she would wake up. "Tenten? Tenten? Tenten!?"
She groaned slightly. "Oooh. Where am I? Did I faint?"
He nodded, relieved she had woken up.
"Oops. I guess the sight of all these… weapons got to me."
He nodded understandingly. "I used to have that problem with ramen. And the color orange. And then I got my reactions under control."
"I see."
"So, which weapons do you want?"
"ALL OF THEM!" Tenten shouted, slightly dizzy from the gorgeous sight in front of her.
Naruto sweat-dropped. "I don't think you can carry that many."
"I want WEAPONS!!!"
Naruto raised an eyebrow at her and brought out his… tool.
"Why are you holding a bowl of ramen?" Tenten asked.
"This isn't a bowl of ramen. It is a Mafia bowl of ramen. You throw it at enemies and they explode into happy clouds of ramen noodles!"
"You're planning on turning me into a ramen noodle cloud?"
"It is your tool to kill Homura."
"You want me to turn someone into a bowl of ramen?" Tenten sweat-dropped.
Naruto smiled happily. "Yup, and just in case it does not work, which it should, unless you're a moron, here are some extra weapons." He handed her a pile of weapons as large as an Akimichi.
"You don't want me to eat Homura, right?" she asked.
Naruto sighed deeply. "Just turn her into a bowl of ramen and bring her back."
"Is this how Ichiraku's operates??? I don't think I'm gonna' be able to stomach eating there again…"
Lee popped up. "Youthful Tenten, Ichiraku's makes their own ramen. We flush our dead-people-ramen down the toilet."
Naruto cried as he curled into a ball on the floor. "RAMEN!!"
"You would eat dead-people-ramen?!?" Tenten shouted at him.
"Youthful Tenten, he doesn't like to waste ramen," Lee stated.
"So he wants to eat dead people turned into ramen?" she asked, still not grasping this.
"No, he doesn't. That would be unyouthful," reminded her.
"Maybe–sniff–we should make–sniff sniff– it not in the form of– sniff– ramen…" Naruto sniffed.
"Good idea…" Tenten agreed.
Lee poofed away to do whatever it was the Youthful boy had previously been doing.
"Okay," Naruto began, standing up and wiping his eyes. "We should probably get started on the Second Stage now."
Tenten nodded. "Do you know where the council will be?"
"Homura likes to spend time with her cows," Naruto answered.
"She has cows?" Tenten asked. "That's a little… weird."
Naruto shrugged. "To each his own, I suppose."
"Right…"
They appeared outside the house of Homura the Evil Elder.
"You know what to do. Good luck, kid," Naruto said seriously, his voice taking on a deep tone that Tenten assumed was a standard requirement for male Mafia members.
She nodded. "I'm going in now."
Naruto gave a little wave then disappeared.
Tenten swallowed, then walked up to the door, where she rang the bell.
"Hello?" Homura, a ridiculously old woman who should have retired from the Council at least three decades ago, asked after she opened the door.
"Boogers in my soup! Boogers in my soup! Booooogeeerrs!" Tenten sang.
"?" Homura asked.
"I'm Tenten, and I'm here to give you this delicious bowl of ramen."
Lee popped up. "It is not a 'delicious bowl of ramen', it is a 'Youthful bowl of ramen'!" Lee shouted.
Tenten cast her eyes toward the ground. "Sorry, Lee."
"Youthful Tenten, do not lose your youth to sadness!" Lee exclaimed, taking her hand.
Tenten blushed and promptly fainted.
"She must be taking lessons from the Youthful Hinata…"
"ANKO! GET ME MY CIGARS!" Hinata shouted in the distance.
"Tenten! Are you OK?" Lee asked as Tenten woke up less than thirty seconds later.
"Yup." She stood and threw the bowl of ramen at Homura.
"What the heck? Why did you just throw ramen at me? Ack, I'm MELTING, I'M MELTING!!!!" She screamed like the Wicked Witch of the West as she rose into the air, then went 'boom.'
A cloud of ramen landed neatly into a bowl that appeared out of nowhere (like Lee's been doing this whole story) in the doorway of Homura's home.
"Wow, that was cool," Tenten said.
Lee nodded.
Naruto walked up. "Well, that's stage two done. Lee, the cows are around back. You know what to do with them."
Lee nodded and then poofed away.
"He's not going to slaughter them, is he? I love cows," Tenten said.
"No. We're going to start a Mafia Dairy Farm," Naruto told her.
"Oh, okay. What's Stage Three of the Mafia Rite of Passage?" she asked.
"Hmm…" Naruto scratched his head. "I don't know."
Tenten sweat-dropped. "You mean there's three stages to this thing, and you don't even know what they are even though you're one of the leaders?" she asked.
Naruto nodded cheerfully. "Yeah. We make it up as we go."
"What?!" Tenten exclaimed. "You've been making it up the whole time?! You didn't even know you wanted me to go to Orochimaru's hideout, where anything could have happened to me, and you didn't know you wanted me to throw ramen at Homura until you just thought of it?!?" she exploded.
Naruto nodded. "That's the way the Mafia rolls. If you don't like it, I suggest you find a new evil organization to join." He allowed a bit of the Kyuubi's Chakra to leak out.
Tenten shook her head. "The Mafia isn't really that evil, though, is it? All you do is smuggle ramen and start dairy farms…"
Naruto paused, considering this. Then he shrugged. "That's pretty much it…" he agreed. "Anyway, for the last part of your test… let's see… you've already stolen a bingo book, which counts as stealth, and you've done an assassination. Next… you must… interrogate Pein and find the secret behind his piercings! They look too cool to be normal earrings!" Naruto shouted.
"You think his piercing are cool?" Tenten deadpanned.
"No, it just sounded good."
"Oh. Phew."
"For this part, you're going to go with Lee. You'll do the interrogation of Pein, but we need to collect info from Itachi while we're there," Naruto said.
"Okay," Tenten agreed happily.
Lee walked up (woah, he can still do that? All that appearing and disappearing kind of confused me…). "Naruto-san, I have finished milking the cows. Homura's ramen has been flushed."
"Good. You're going with Tenten to the Akatsuki. She'll be interrogating Pein. This will be a great chance for you and Itachi to finish that arm wrestling match you were telling me about," Naruto said.
"Yes! I have been waiting for a chance to beat that Youthful man at this game!" Lee shouted. "Let us go, Tenten!" He grabbed her arm and shunshined to the Akatsuki hideout.
"Invaders! Invaders!" Deidara shouted. "Oh, never mind. Hi, Lee," he said, waving.
"Hello, Deidara-san," Lee replied. "Are all the unyouthful members still here?"
Deidara shook his head. "They're meeting in the other hideout. Only me and Tobi are here."
At the mention of Tobi, Lee frowned. "Then I must be off. Goodbye, Youthful Comrade!" he called, grabbing Tenten once more and shunshining away.
"Bye!" Deidara waved.
"This should be the right hideout," Lee said to the blushing Tenten in his arms. He looked around at the room they had appeared in, and noted Kisame's fuzzy and bandaged sword, which is actually quite similar to a huge feather duster, in the corner. "Good. Itachi-san and Fish-man-san are here."
"Yo," Itachi said, walking in the room. He shoved a big handful of cheese-puffs into his mouth.
"I still do not get how you can like those things, Itachi-san," Kisame said from behind him. "Oh, hi, Lee-san," he greeted. "Who's she?" he asked, nodding at Tenten.
"This is Tenten. She is partaking in the Mafia Rite of Passage at the moment," Lee said.
Itachi and Kisame winced. "Good luck," Itachi said, smiling.
Well, that's odd. I didn't think an Uchiha could smile, Tenten thought. I supposed when you're in the Mafia, anything can happen.
"What part are you on?" Kisame asked, biting into a tuna sandwich.
"Stage Three," she answered, looking around.
He raised his eyebrows. "Stage Three? Wow, that's pretty far. What is this, your third month?"
"No. I've been working on the test all day," she replied.
He spat his sandwich out in shock.
Itachi wiped it off his face. "Ew, Kisame, I thought I asked you to stop doing that. It's gross."
Kisame ignored him. "All day? You're doing the Mafia Rite of Passage in one day?!"
She nodded.
"Not even Itachi-san could do it that fast! He needed seventy-one hours!" Kisame said.
Itachi glared at him. "I was trying to actually be stealthy for my second test," he defended himself.
"Whatever, this girl is obviously a Mafia genius!"
Lee beamed at her. "And she only realized the truth about the Mafia this morning!" he said proudly.
Tenten blushed. Does Lee like me back…?
Itachi and Kisame stared at her in shock.
"That is incredible," Itachi said. "What is your third part for the test?" he asked.
"I have to interrogate Pein about his piercings," Tenten stated.
"Have fun," Kisame snorted. "I've been in Akatsuki for a long time, and I don't even know what they do. I think they're important for his Rinnegan to work, though."
Tenten nodded. "I'll keep that in mind."
"So, why are you here, Lee?" Itachi asked, eating more cheese-puffs.
Lee grinned wickedly. "I am here to finish… our Youthful arm wrestle!"
"Oh. OK."
"I'll just go find this Pein guy then…" Tenten said slowly.
"He's in the workout room," Kisame told her helpfully. "Go down and to the left," he said.
"Thanks. You know, you're not so bad, even though you look like a fish," she told him.
"Thanks. You're not so bad even though a lot of people say you look like a panda for some reason," he replied.
"People say I look like a panda? Why?"
He shrugged. "I think it's the buns."
"Oh…" She shrugged as well, before turning to leave the room.
"And thrust. And thrust. And thrust," Tenten heard someone say in the room down the hall and to the left. That must be the workout room Fish-man-Kisame-san mentioned… She went over to the door and stood outside.
"And thrust! Work it, baby!" the voice continued.
Tenten's eyes widened in the way that can only be achieved in a manga or anime. "What is going on in there…?"
"Whoa, I am so worn out!" a female voice said.
"Now, now, Konan-honey, this isn't the time to be giving up!" the first voice cheered. "Let's work those muscles! Come on! And thrust. And thrust. And thrust!"
Finally, Tenten couldn't take it any more. She opened the door and stepped inside. "What the Mafia?" she asked.
Before her stood the leader of Akatsuki, Pein of the Rinnegan, wearing…
Spandex.
Spandex tighter than Gai-sensei's or Lee's.
Spandex for 'aerobic workouts'.
Tenten sweat-dropped, fell over anime-style, and fainted all at once.
"And thrust!" Pein shouted, pushing his hips forward as the video he had memorized by heart directed him to do. "Come on, Konan!" he called to his lover. "Join me!"
Konan stood and began hip-thrusting as well. "Can't we jog instead?" she asked. "We did buy those new treadmills…" she looked at the machines longingly.
Tenten sat blearily up. "Geez, I've been fainting a lot today. Anyway, Pein, I have a question for you."
Pein finally stopped his hip-thrusts, and looked at the girl in his workout room. "Who are you? Are you here to exercise with us?"
Tenten's sweat-drop came back. "No," she said, shaking her head.
"Oh. Why are you here?" he said.
"She wants to know about your piercings," Konan provided helpfully.
"Who is she?" Pein asked her.
"How should I know? She hasn't introduced herself," Konan snapped, stopping her own workout and getting some water.
"I'm Tenten," Tenten said, hoping to stop an argument.
"Oh. I'm Pein. Leader of the Akatsuki. User of the Rinnegan. Master of the Hip-Thrust."
"I could tell," Tenten said sarcastically.
Pein beamed at her. It looked weird. His face stretched in odd places due to the many pieces of metal sticking in it. "I'm so glad!" he chirped.
"You're weirder than Orochimaru," Tenten told him.
His eyes widened. "Really? My life's goal, my childhood dream… accomplished at last!"
"…Okay then…" Tenten said.
"Anyway, what do you want to know about my piercings? I may tell you… if you workout with me and Konan!" Pein challenged.
Tenten considered this. She'd been through worse with Gai-sensei… "Okay," she told him.
"Really?" he said, looking impossibly happy.
"That might not have been the best idea," Konan said.
"Why not?" Tenten asked.
"His workouts are really strenuous. He has an obsession with aerobics…"
Lee popped up. "Oh, Youthful Tenten, I forgot to tell you, but Konan here is in the Mafia as well."
"Oh. That makes sense."
"She's in Stage Three," Lee informed Konan.
"Good job. If you manage to survive his hip-thrusts, you may be a mobster."
Tenten felt her eyes tear up at the thought, but she pushed the tears away. She could do this. "Right, so what do your piercings do?" she asked.
"They connect my Six Paths of Pein to each other. They're Chakra receivers. I transmit Chakra out to them, and since all my bodies for the Six Paths of Pein have Chakra rods, I can use them like puppets. The Rinnegan let's me share sights with my Paths," Pein said.
Lee nodded as he took notes. "Good job, Tenten," he told her. "That's all the information we need."
Pein smiled. "Hip-thrust time!"
Tenten went over to exercise with him, easily keeping up with the pace he set.
"Wow. She really is good. Pein just freely gave her information like that…" Konan said.
Lee nodded. "Fish-man-Kisame worded it best: she is truly a genius of the Mafia."
Five hours later, Pein was finally worn out and all his Six Paths were too exhausted to carry on. "That was such good exercise!" he gushed to Tenten, who hadn't even broken a sweat. "Do you do something like this every day?" he asked her.
She nodded. "It's similar. My teacher is Maito Gai, and he pushes us for stamina, hard work, and determination. Plus, he's really into the Springtime of Youth, which means we exercise all the time."
"Springtime of Youth…" Pein repeated in awe, vowing to Google it as soon as he showered.
"Well, thanks for the information! I guess we'll see you around," Tenten said, waving at him and Konan.
"Goodbye!" they waved back.
"Did you get everything you needed from Itachi-san?" Tenten asked Lee.
"Yes. I beat him twenty-four times at arm wrestling, so he has agreed that he and Kisame will milk the cows next."
"That's what you came here for?" Tenten asked, sweat-dropping yet again.
Lee nodded. "Let's go back to the Dango Stand and report the results of this Youthful mission. And perhaps I will suggest to Gai-sensei that he adds hip-thrusts to our exercise routine," he mused.
"Oh, Kami, no! Please, I'm hip-thrust-ed out!" Tenten protested.
"You completed it? That quickly?" Naruto asked in surprise.
Tenten nodded. "I had to make a big sacrifice, though."
"Oh yeah? What was that?" Naruto asked curiously.
"She had to hip-thrust with Pein," Lee said.
"Wow, that sounds so perverted," Naruto said, blinking. "Like, Major Tobi Comment."
"Major what?" Tenten asked.
"Major Tobi Comment. You know, Tobi from the Akatsuki. He's totally perverted. Everything he says sounds so wrong. And he's in love with Deidara," Naruto explained.
"What does that have to do with anything?" Tenten asked.
"Well, whenever he says something, it comes out really wrong, so if anyone says something and it sounds perverted, it's a Tobi Comment. Lee made a Major Tobi Comment because it was super-perverted," Naruto informed her.
"Okay," Tenten said slowly.
"It's a Mafia thing," Lee said. "You'll get used it in time, my dear, Youthful Tenten." He poofed away.
"I've been wondering all day; when Lee poofs away, is he using Bunshin or Shunshin?" Tenten asked.
"Hey, that rhymes!" Naruto said. "I'm not really sure. I think he just poofs away."
"Okay…"
"Anyway, now that you have passed all the tests, we should go to Hinata and see what she says."
"Okay," Tenten said for the third time.
She really needs a thesaurus, Naruto thought. He shrugged. "Let's go!"
"So, you have passed the Mafia Rite of Passage," Hinata said in a deep voice. This is why smoking cigars is bad for you. It makes you sound like a man. Hinata cleared her throat. "Now, you are ready for… the Ultimate Ceremony!"
"Yay, a ceremony!" Anko cheered.
"Shut up, Anko," Hinata said, throwing something at her.
"Ouch."
"For the Ultimate Ceremony, you will eat four bowls of ramen, and be presented with Mafia robes," Hinata continued.
"Why four bowls of ramen?" Tenten asked.
"We put it in for Naruto. He wants to spread the ramen love around."
Naruto smiled in his typical manner and struck the nice-guy pose.
"All right, when do I do this?" Tenten asked.
"Now. Gather the Mob," Hinata ordered Anko.
"Yes, Hinata-hime!" She scurried away.
Five minutes later, all the Mafia had gathered in the ceremony hall beneath the Dango Stand. Now you realize how big that place is. The Mob ain't small. And as for how fast the Mob members traveled when they are such a widespread organization… don't go there. It's similar to the poofing thing Lee keeps doing.
With the Mafia gathered, Hinata finally set her cigars aside. "Men and women! Please welcome Tenten to the Mob!"
The crowd cheered as Lee led Tenten onstage. She sat at a table and quickly consumed the four bowls of ramen. The crowd cheered some more.
"Okay, back to work!" Hinata said, throwing some robes at Tenten.
The crowd quickly dispersed.
"Wow, that was the shortest introduction ceremony I have ever been through," Tenten said.
"Hinata hates wasting time," Lee said. He turned to Tenten, a solemn expression on his face. "As do I. I think we should date."
Tenten fainted.
Fin.