I like to think of my life as having two parts, or maybe two episodes – before and after I joined Akatsuki.

My life ended with Sasori's.

At some point, while trying to lure the Jinchuuriki away from the cave, I felt a stab of pain in my heart. As a not-so pleasant feeling built up in the pit of my stomach, I realized something was wrong with him. But how could something be wrong with Sasori? I kept asking myself that. He was, after all, up against an old hag and a little girl – how hard could it be?

But still, the bad feeling in my gut wouldn't go away.

I wouldn't call what I had with Sasori a relationship. That's saying too much. I know I loved him, I still do. And some foolish part of me believed that he loved me back. That foolish part of me is what keeps me alive these days – I cling to the thought that maybe, somehow, in his inhuman, dysfunctional way, Sasori loved me. When it's late night and I go out to watch the stars, clutching the puppet arm which is all I have left of him, I sometimes actually believe that. At those times, I shed tears of joy. Because if Sasori loved me then it doesn't matter that he's gone. I'll end up in his heaven sooner or later.

The rest of the time, though, I know that to him I was merely an amusement, a way of keeping the boredom away. And that hurts. It might actually be more painful than it was to lose him. I shudder when I remember the feeling of his lips against mine, the way he'd smile and play with my hair when he was in a good mood... To think that all that was nothing but a game to him... it's hell. My own, messed-up hell.

I love Sasori.

Love his eyes that might seem bored and tired but can also be a window to his soul, just like they say. Love being the only one to actually see that. Love the way he can go from annoyed and icy cold to the most pleasant person in the world in the blink of an eye. Love the way he acknowledged my emotions and held me in his arms when I was sad. Love the way he must have thought of me when he left.

I loathe Sasori.

Loathe his eyes that always seem so bored and tired of me. Loathe the way he can go from the most pleasant person in the world to annoyed and icy cold in the blink of an eye. Loathe the way he toyed with my emotions. Loathe the way he just left me here without even saying goodbye.

Love and hate. They say there's only so big a difference. Or is there really any difference at all? If it was really possible for Sasori to want to murder me one day and then kiss me ever so tenderly the next day, then there probably wasn't. Sasori could love and hate me at the same time. Sadly, I think that I don't hate him nearly as much as I love him – so I can't understand him. I never have and never will.

Besides, who am I kidding? I know he didn't love me anyway.

I remember our first kiss very clearly. It might have seemed like the least romantic thing in the world, but it was incredible and it was perfect.

We had to go on a mission to the Snow country. I really hate cold places, but I kept my mouth shut. One night, when we had to sleep in a cave because there was a snow storm and we couldn't go on, the cold was really getting to me and I think my lips were turning blue. Needless to say, I was like a walking corpse. Sasori walked up to me, lifted me with ease and put me inside of Hiruko.

"To keep you warm", he said.

Then he claimed my lips in a very quick kiss and closed Hiruko. And I was left dumbfounded.

The second time was when we got home – I was pissed because when we got away from the Snow country the weather was still bad so I hadn't had time to warm up. I was sitting in my room, molding clay, when I felt someone wrap their arms around my torso. I looked down and immediately relaxed when I saw the puppet joints. Sasori leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. I turned around and kissed him – and then all of a sudden he left. I stared at him as he closed the door without even looking back at me.

It's moments like that that make me think he does it all just to mess with my head. He probably gets his sick kicks out of making me suffer, the bastard.

But I still love him more than life itself.

"Because if Sasori loved me then it doesn't matter that he's gone. I'll end up in his heaven sooner or later."

Heaven? Nonsense. Sasori won't exactly get pretty wings and a golden harp. No, he's going straight to hell! Every sin there is, he's guilty of.

Avarice? Yes, of course. Just think of the way he couldn't stand growing old... or the way he couldn't stand it when other people touched me.

Envy? Yes, of course. He'd be jealous of everything I touched, from Hidan to the couch.

Lust? Yes, of course. What else could it have been that I saw, burning in his eyes as he claimed me?

Pride? Yes, of course. He couldn't tolerate me joking about him. And he certainly wasn't letting the rest of the Akatsuki know about our relationship.

Gluttony? Yes, of course. Ultimately, he even ended up wasting my emotions.

Wrath? Yes, of course. Just think of all the people he killed! And if that's not enough, think of the way he'd beat me, his lover, to an inch of my life just for touching his tools.

Sloth? Yes, of course. He did, after all, use puppets to do his fighting, did he not? And on his free time, he'd have me run his arrends. Pathetic.

A part of me hopes that he'll be severely punished for his sins. The other part of me – the foolish part that thought he loved me – hopes that he'll be forgiven.

I know I'd forgive him anything.