Dear John,
I've just got back from seeing you and I had to write.
I wanted to say that I am facing what might happen. I know you want me to be ready. And I am afraid sometimes.
But when I think of you, all the ways I've grown to know you, I must believe good things will happen for us. You are the best man I've ever known. You have paid for your mistakes, and paid above and beyond them. Most people couldn't tolerate what you have had to face, yet you are able to rally with a good heart at every twist and turn. I've never seen you fail in it.
How I remember the look on your face when I brought you the tray (that was years ago now!) that night I first thought you were being taken from me. The way you softened. You were not angry that night, you were not bitter. And you were sweet to me. It made the prospect of losing you even worse, and after you closed the door I wept all the way back down the hallway. It wasn't pity for you. It was self-pity, because you had just come into my world and then I had to give you up. I was sick to my stomach and bereft, I didn't sleep at all that night, hating the idea of facing a day without you...and then when I saw you in the servant's hall for breakfast that next morning it took all of my will not to throw my arms around you and hold you very, very tight and laugh with joy.
I was thinking of your hands tonight as I watched the clock. We all sat down to dinner at 8:30 and I watched the minutes tick down, a little thrill going through me as the minute hand landed on 8:55, then on 8:57 and then on 9:00, and even while the conversation went on around me I imagined you, as in a dream, coming up behind me at the table and sliding your big warm hands around my neck the way you do. You sat down beside me at the table and pulled me into your lap and you kissed me.
it's an agony I'm grateful for, that I can miss the way you kiss me. Your kisses are the tenderest thing in the world; they make me feel as if I'm made of something precious and rare, the way your mouth holds mine so gently, the way you taste me, just a little, as if I taste of honey and you are savoring me. I pine for many things, but for your kisses most of all.
If I keep on like this I won't sleep all night, and tomorrow is another big day at Downton.
I miss you! I've just seen you and I miss you so badly. When I turn down the lamp I will slide into your arms, I will wrap my arms around you so tightly that if you move I will move with you. I won't let you go, not ever.
I love you, John.
Anna