Lovino tries, every day, to keep his arms covered, and by now, it has just become second nature. To wear long sleeves or arm warmers, or even to put makeup on his arms. Anything to hide them. So he, Antonio, will not see the scars and cuts. In Lovino's eyes, it's shameful, weak, to need to resort to self-harm, and he's sure that Antonio would think the same. Honestly, why else would he do this? If he was stronger, he wouldn't need to do such things, he thinks. Then he wouldn't need to hide every day, wouldn't need to worry about people finding out. But he isn't strong like that, and he doubts he ever will be.
Antonio asks, about the sleeves, the arm warmers. Just the fact that he is so curious startles, and possibly frightens Lovino. Not that he'd ever admit it. So he snaps at Antonio, gives him a loud, annoyed reply of "Why the hell do you care if I like wearing long sleeves? Bastard." And then he runs off ahead, not wanting Antonio to see the frustrated tears that shine in his eyes. Damnit, he thinks angrily, it's almost as if he wants to tell Antonio, wants him to know. He doesn't. He never will, either.
Some people think that self-harm is a cry for help, a cry for attention. 'They're wrong' Lovino thinks as he carves another thin line onto his wrist. It's not deep, it won't kill him, and neither will the other four he's already made. They hurt and sting, and bleed beautifully, and that's all he wants. He doesn't want to die. He just wants… What is it that he wants, exactly? He wants some semblance of control, he decides. That's why he does it, why he hurts himself. He just wants control.
Over time, he and Antonio grow closer and closer, though Lovino is wary, always cautious, always nervous that he will find out. Antonio stays over more and more often, they are closer than ever, and this should be a good thing, he thinks, but he cannot bring himself to be truly happy. For him, it only means that he must be even more careful with his secret, as he's taken to thinking of it as. He cannot tell Antonio, ever. He will try to stop, for Antonio's sake, he decides. The scars, hopefully, will eventually fade, and then he won't need to worry about hiding anymore.
He is broken, but he wants to be fixed. Wants to be fixed by the one he loves. But this thought makes him feel stupid, needy, and definitely not in control. And so, at the meeting, he scratches at his arm, rips open old wounds, makes new ones. It calms him a little, though he feels guiltier than ever that night, when Antonio is lying in bed with him, sleeping soundly. Blissfully unaware of the internal agony that his boyfriend is going through by himself.
It starts as just an ordinary, boring day. It's gray and rainy outside, and he and Antonio are sitting on the bed together, cuddling, listening to music that's turned down too much, so that one can't actually focus on the lyrics. It's a rare moment of peace, a moment where Lovino is not pushing Antonio away for acting so 'lovey dovey' or 'touchy', as he'd put it. In all honesty, he's just too tired to ignore the Spaniard's advances, Lovino decides, and so he willingly lets Antonio pull him onto his lap, and wrap his strong, tan arms around Lovino's waist. His scars are safe, under the soft sleeves of his sweatshirt.
He's almost asleep in Antonio's gentle embrace, when he feels something he swears makes his blood run cold. Long, cool fingers, touching his arms, his wrists. His scars. Lovino's eyes widen and he lets out a startled gasp before pushing the offending hands away and hurriedly pulling his sleeves back down, over his now almost shaking hands. He turns and looks up at Antonio. Sees the hurt in those emerald green eyes, and silently curses. For not being careful enough about hiding them, for letting Antonio hold him like this in the first place. He clenches at the ends of his sleeves tighter, as he tries to keep himself from crying. Antonio must think he's weak and stupid. Why would he do this if he wasn't?
He tries to get up, escape from Antonio's lap, so as to spare him the embarrassment of seeing him cry like the weakling he knows he is. But Antonio only holds him tighter, closer, and Lovino knows he cannot escape, no matter how much he wants to.
"Why?" Antonio asks, and it sounds as though he is on the verge of tears. It is a question that breaks his heart, and Lovino desperately wipes at his own tears, trying so hard not to sob. He is shaking, trying to stutter out an answer, an excuse of some sort, when he is pressed against Antonio. Lovino closes his eyes tightly, anticipating yelling or harsh words from his lover.
They never come, and Lovino hears Antonio let out a shaky breath as he starts stroking Lovino's short hair, in an attempt to calm him down. It sounds as though he's trying not to cry too… Lovino thinks guiltily. Once his tears begin to subside and he's no longer shaking, he looks up nervously, and sees Antonio biting his lip as tears silently roll down his face. "I'm sorry." He chokes out quietly. The statement baffles Lovino. Why is he sorry? It's not his fault.
"W-why are you crying, bastard?" Lovino asks as he clenches and unclenches his fists, longing to dig his nails into his already scared wrists, though he knows that he can't. Not now, and probably not ever again.
Antonio shakes his head and mutters, "empathy." Lovino doesn't get it, he's never cried over anyone because of something like this before, so why should Antonio. Empathy is a stupid thing, Lovino decides.
"S-stop it; I'm not worth crying over. I'm sorr-"Lovino starts, but is cut off by Antonio, pressing his lips to his. When Antonio breaks the small kiss, he looks calmer, more in control of himself. His tears have stopped. He looks stronger. Lovino thinks, and envies him for this, just a little.
"Don't apologize. Just, try not to do it again…" Antonio mutters softly. Then he gently rolls up Lovino's sleeve, (when did he let go of it, Lovino wonders), revealing the scars and cuts. Lovino flinches and looks away in shame. Antonio brushes over them with his thumb for a brief moment, before slowly bringing Lovino's wrist to his lips and kisses it. Kisses each scar and gash that's there.
He's broken, he tells Antonio. He's broken, and that won't change. Can't change. He says that maybe its better that way. Antonio tells him otherwise. Antonio promises that he will do his best to fix him, and that he will always be there, by Lovino's side.
Lovino asks why. Self-harm is a sign of weakness Lovino mutters, and glares when Antonio shakes his head.
"It isn't weak, it isn't shameful. Weakness is giving up. You're still here, so you haven't given up, and I'll make sure you don't." Antonio claims, and Lovino can't help but think his boyfriend must be crazy, but he doesn't disagree with him, or try to push him away.
The two spend the night closer than they've been in a very long time, holding each other tightly. For once, Lovino isn't wearing a long sleeve shirt, because Antonio says he's beautiful, and because there's nothing to hide anymore. Lovino doesn't promise not to hurt himself anymore, but he says he will try not to. Antonio smiles and says that it's fine, and that that is all he asks for right now. He kisses Lovino on the forehead and mutters goodnight before he falls asleep.
Lovino is still awake, long after Antonio is, and revels in the odd, wonderful feeling that this man gives him. He still feels bad about Antonio finding out, but maybe its better this way, maybe things will get better. He mutters 'Te amo' to his sleeping boyfriend, before falling asleep as well, a little calmer, and more at ease than he's been in what feels like years.