Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray-man
Warnings: sexual identity crises, drunkenness, language, idiocy, more idiocy, spoilers for Searching For AW arc
AN: This came to me when I wondered if Alma being Kanda's girlfriend from his previous life meant that Kanda was actually gay. I'm pretty sure this is the most well thought out piece of utter stupidity that I've ever written.
Kanda Thinks
Contrary to popular belief, Yu Kanda is not an idiot. Sure, he will admit that he's not very bright, but the thoughts always filter through after a while. Which is why, while cooped up in a crappy inn room with Johnny Gill after a long day of Beansprout hunting, Kanda has a realization. A realization about Alma. Specifically, about how Alma had the soul of his female love from his first life, and how that fact impacts his sexual identity.
Kanda tries to think about it, he really does, but he's still a bit hazy from all the alcohol he had consumed while Bean-hunting. However, there is someone else in the room with him. Someone who is a man who probably has experience in these matters. Hopefully Johnny is plastered enough to not run screaming.
"Johnny, can I talk to you. Like, man-to-man talking?"
Johnny hiccups and replies, "Sure, Kanda. Is it like man-to-man as in hookers?"
"Not really." Yep, definitely still sozzled. Kanda takes a deep breath, then another, then another. He decides to say it before he started hyperventilating.
"I think I am attracted to men."
Utter silence. Kanda watches as Johnny twitches slightly, like he's considering jumping out the window. He doesn't though, probably because they're on the third floor.
"Why would you think that?" the fluffy-haired man stammers, gazing at the window with a mournful gleam in his eyes.
"Remember what I told you about Alma two days ago when I thought you were too sloshed to understand me?"
Johnny puts on a thinking face. It looks like the expression one would make from getting punched in the gut while suffering from a nasty stomach bug. "Yeah, I remember. You said that Alma was actually your-"
Kanda can practically see the little gears grinding in the scientist's brain. Later, he will swear that a "ping" noise sounded when the answer became clear.
"Oooooooohhhhh," Johnny says.
"Yeah," Kanda replies, "Still gonna talk about it?"
He shrugs. "Okay, man, but only because I am just totally trollied right now."
Suddenly Johnny, who had been lying on his bed, somehow moves at lightning speed to perch on Kanda's bed and stare at him creepily. Kanda barely resists the urge to smite him in the face with Mugen.
"Soooooooo..." the creeper utters.
"So what?" Kanda replies, inching away from him stealthily.
"Have any men caught your eye recently?"
Kanda put on his thinking face. It looks like the expression one would make from crossing one's eyes while attempting to swallow an entire pineapple.
"Well, before Howard Link died, I thought he was pretty sexy."
A thump, similar to the sound of a 5 foot 8 inch, 137 pound, ex-CROW stalker hitting the ground after falling off a three-story building, rings through the room. They ignore it.
"That's that then! You are as gay as a rainbow!" Johnny laughs.
"But I like women, too!" Kanda protests, "I mean, I think that General Klaud Nine is the hottest thing on two legs!"
"Amen to that brother," Johnny hiccups.
(Hundreds of miles away, General Nine feels the sudden and irresistible urge to kill all men with her bare hands. As the only male near her is Timothy, she opts instead to punch through a wall. This causes the aforementioned male to cower behind a nearby sofa and whimper while having a serious conversation with his Innocence about his actions towards women and whether they will ultimately lead to his demise.)
"Well," Johnny says, "I'm pretty sure that liking both genders is called bisexuality. However, no matter whether you choose to love a dude, a chick, or a weird combination of the two, I will always respect and fear you."
They sit in silence for a moment, soaking up the profundity of that statement. Then Johnny passes out on Kanda. Kanda, never one to reject a good idea, also passes out. Outside and three stories down, Link, who has just come to after passing out from falling off the building, decides to forget about ever trying to understand what he just heard and, after staggering back to his Allen-stalking perch for the evening, ends up passing out again.