Finding Forever

Prologue

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. -Sydney J. Harris

The Doctor stares blankly at the empty space where Rose had occupied only moments before, awaiting his answer. And I failed her yet again. The brilliant Doctor who always saves everyone… yet the one person worth more than anyone else in the universe just had to be the one I couldn't save. He fights the urge to scream and closes his eyes. In that tiny little moment, he feels himself coming undone, all the parts flying off in different directions. Everything she brought into his battered, cursed life is fading into the shadows, retreating so fast. The coldness comes again and his hearts feel like ice. Something inside him dies and there's an empty void where there used to be her. His soul is ripped, torn into pieces, frozen on ice, so much pain. His mind is filled with her and his hearts are empty again. She's fading away and he can't hold on. He wishes he were dead, but knows he has three more lifetimes to go… without her by his side. The curls of icy-hotness prickle and stab through his body and he wants to sleep and never wake up. Sleep and dream of her, standing right there beside him.

He feels hot wetness on his cheeks and realizes that they are tears. For the first time in his ten lives, the Doctor is crying over a companion because he lost his chance to tell her how much he needs, wants, and loves her… not to mention the fact that it will be impossible to ever get her back, unless he risks destroying two universes. He fleetingly considers it before wiping away his damned tears. Rose would never forgive him if he killed so many innocent, stupid apes just for her. No, he can only try to accept the fact that he is once again on his own and try to somehow move on… alone.

xoxox

It hurts to breathe because every breath I take proves that I can live without you. -Anonymous

Rose Tyler stands in the crushing embrace of her mother and cries out all of the blood and tears of her throbbing heart, wondering how she can still feel. Why didn't you just kill me? she screams at the universe. Why?

She wants to sleep and never wake up… dream of her Doctor and never face reality. Die this moment rather than live on without him… because he is still alive. And so is she. And it's killing her inside. Her soul is bleeding, pulsing… loving and hating. She's suffocating and every breath she takes is painful, so painful, sharp stabs that inflict more hurt than the dark, clawing feeling inside her. DOCTOR!

She grabs onto Jackie, burying her face in her mother's neck… but it's no consolation. He's gone. I told him forever… forever. Just us. And she wants to laugh… laugh until there's no breath left. Laugh until she forgets, laugh until the world breaks, laugh until the universe collapses because he is alone and she is alone. And she has broken her promise to never leave him. That grand, higher power has finally separated them and she does laugh at that thought. Never ever. She laughs hysterically. The wind picks up and pulls at her gently. And she's never felt so scattered and broken in all her life.

Jackie is looking at her in concern with tears in her soft green eyes and Rose knows that she's worried. But what does it matter? Rose turns and looks at the horizon. Bad Wolf Bay. Kill me, she screams silently, her mind hurting because of the strain. She realizes she's holding her breath as she tries to get whatever it is that separated them to hear her. She sinks down in the moist, soft sand, clutching her head, yanking out golden blond strands and not caring, not feeling. Only the sobs wracking her body. Kill me…

xoxox

All healing is first a healing of the heart. -Carl Townsend

She sits there for days, drifting in the Time Vortex, humming softly, mourning the human child called Rose as he shuts himself away in her room. He hasn't talked to her and there is only silence. She worries about him and she tries calling out to him, but he remains silent… alone. So alone. Her dear Time Lord.

He cried his hearts out the first few hours, burying his head in her pillow, breathing in her scent, wishing that he was with her, wishing that he was dead. And then came the blissful sleep, brought on by exhaustion and a little piece of serenity the Tardis managed to slip into his mind. He slept for hours and when he woke up, he stood and looked at her things. He dug out the red hoodie she wore when she was the Bad Wolf and he hugged it close.

Now, the Tardis sings softly to herself, wondering what will happen, wondering how they will get through this. And she's surprised when he emerges from her room, looking rumpled and frayed around the edges, like he's just fought his way through hell. His eyes are red-rimmed and his usually messy hair is sticking up every which way. He comes toward the consoles and strokes her gently, silently telling her that he will be alright. Whether it takes years or centuries, he will heal. He will move on because that's all he has in this world. Constant motion.

He runs his hand over a lever and pulls it down. She knows he wants to run headfirst into trouble and throw himself in harm's way to forget if only for a while, but she has other plans. She knows her Doctor and she knows his soul. Just as she knows Rose Tyler, her Bad Wolf. And the Tardis knows as she has known all this time, there is a way and there is fate. And the direction they are all headed in will not and cannot stop. And she takes him to a place where he can truly begin to heal.