The fire went out again.
Waking up at 4:30 that morning it took Remus several minutes to realize just why he was so cold. The blankets were twisted among his feet, his pillows thrown askew off the bed and the fire, was out. He tried to forget the cold. He tried to slip back into the semi-pleasant dream he'd be having. Closing his eyes he was yet again reminded of the freezing air by his chattering teeth; so much for returning to the dream.
Standing up, the robe he'd laid over the chair the previous night was, surprise surprise, still there. His sewing work seems to have been slipping. The hole he patched yesterday has already reappeared. Grabbing his wand he stared into the fireplace, debating on lighting the damn thing or just staying up. The watch on his wrist now read 5 am.
Leaving the discarded pillows on the hardwood floor, his bare feet made their way down the stairs, into the kitchen of the tiny cabin he'd been living in since his departure from Hogwarts those few months ago. Still nearly pitch black outside the candles around him lit with a mutter of a spell. Usually clean and tidy, the counters were littered with pans from making soup. Something easy, not taking much strength. 27 days until the next full moon.
The tap of a wand over the full kettle of water it began to steam. Slamming cupboard door after door closed he finally found a clean mug. 'Have I really gotten so lazy?' he thought. A box of teabags found near the stove and his tea was soon brewing. Reaching into the pocket of the torn robe he managed to come across his lighter. Patting down the others he seemed to be missing the pack he'd opened just yesterday. It had been five years since he'd lit up, but the last year's events were just too much. Cigarettes weren't cheap, and he's been tight for money these days. Flicking the lighter over and over, his thoughts got lost in the sparks and small orange and blue flame right in front of his face.
-I was back in my office at Hogwarts, reading over a few papers, awaiting Severus and the wolfs bane potion when the Marauders Map caught my eye. I couldn't believe Harry had managed to get his hands on this after all those years. Filch had taken it from us on a mere suspicion during my own time there, Peter's overreaction during confiscation only pleased Argus more. Tapping the map I muttered the phrase created by none other than Sirius himself, "I solemnly swear I am up to no good." The rooms appearing in front of my face I scanned the castle, my eyes traveling to the three near the edge of the forest. I knew they'd be out an about tonight, seeing as how Hagrid's hippogriff was to be executed on the grounds. Half an hour later I was choking into my cup of coffee at the sudden appearance of the fourth dot and I stood, map still in hand. 'It couldn't be,' kept running through my mind. A fifth dot joining them a moment later I could have fainted. Watching them fill the tunnel behind the whomping willow I grabbed my robe, taking off for the tree. How could it be? Sirius and Peter? Peter was dead. I had mourned his death twelve years ago. Pete was a hero, Sirius, a murderer.-
Taking a sharp breath he was suddenly very aware of the heat on his fingers, the metal from the muggle lighter having burnt his thumb. Dropping it onto the table he sat for a moment in the silence, looking around as if he was not sure he was really back in his own kitchen. Papers tossed across the table he shoved them all aside until managing to come across his pack of smokes. Pulling one out it went directly into his mouth, picking up the now cool lighter and taking the long and deeply needed drag. Nicotine running through his veins the uncontrollable need was slowly subsiding. These things made him feel even weaker as a human being, knowing he had to rely on them to get through his day. A good half way through the stick and in only three drags in he knew he was over doing it. Using one of the dirty mugs on the table near him, he flicked the ash, watching the smoke swirl over his fingers, disappearing into the slightly stale air.
-The past 12 years had been a lie. My best friend had betrayed us all. Sirius' life had been a living hell in Azkaban, I had been alone, left to only my school memories and the few years following of times with my friends to dwell on. James? James was dead. Leaving only Peter to account for, hiding in the pocket of a schoolboy. The explanation that was owed to young Harry didn't do the story justice. There was so much to tell and so little time to tell it in. The pain I felt in attempting to help the Weasley boy and his refusal upon learning of what I was, was slightly unexpected. I don't know why I anticipated them to understand as everyone else' reaction that I'd come across who'd learned of my 'handicap' was nearly the same way. -
Cigarette returning to his lips he began to sift through the pile of parchment, watch now reading six am. Dumbledore's last letter. Seems Harry is doing well, completing his first task remarkably. Harry is making it a practice to remind Remus of his father, James, more and more. God, James would be proud as hell if he could see what his son is turning into. The obstacles he's overcome, the hardships he's endured. Truth be told, Remus worry's about him often. He's not Remus' son, but he does care for the boy. Working with him over the last school year was something he enjoyed, perhaps a bit too much. That might be a major flaw concerning Remus. He makes friends, and let things slide too easily when it comes to them. 'Christmas ball is coming up; wonder if the boys have found dates,' he thought as his eyes lifted some from the smirk crossing his lips. Remembering the dances back in his days brings a genuine smile to his face. There was the year Sirius got caught snogging with the Ravenclaw girl in the broom closet. From Sirius' side of the story, there was a bit more than kissing going on, which does slightly make sense, as he received a week's detention for it.
A sip from the mug and he nearly groaned at how good the warmth felt in his stomach. Finishing the letter once again he sighed and set it aside. Still chuckling at the thought of Sirius trying to get out of that one his own love life crossed his mind. So much for a happy thought. Getting laid isn't the problem. Hell, the last chick wasn't half bad looking, nice body, and left him without an ounce of energy. He just wishes he could be capable of something more than a one night stand, a single piece of ass.
-Snapes entrance to the scene only complicated matters. The bastard never did listen to reason. Seems he's gotten better over the years at his bondage charms. I was slightly amused at how tight he made the ropes over my wrists and ankles. The appearance of him on the floor near me did nothing if slightly shock me. All three children taking on a professor was not a good idea. But was any of this? The small pain on my wrists after being released, I was more concerned with the rat being held across the room. It still didn't seem like it could be true. The only thing on my mind was how badly I wanted him to die. How badly Peter deserved, to die. Seeing the same small eyed man standing in front of me that was supposed to have died those 12 years ago, I felt the betrayal eating away at my heart. 'Move! You stupid boy!' was screamed in my head. Nearly losing myself it took me a moment to realize what I'd virtually done. Harry was right; James wouldn't want me to become a murderer.-
Paper clenched tightly in his hand his knuckles were white. Releasing it he watched it fall to the table on some other stack, noticing that Sirius' letter was directly below where Dumbledores had been. Sirius, apparently, is planning on staying up around Hogsmeade, offering help to Harry. Its' come to their attention that Sirius is the sole proprietor of his parents' old house, in Grimmewald Place, since both parents have died. Sirius has considered going back there, even invited Remus to come along, maybe help him get things back in order. He'd only been there once, the summer of their 6th year. He remembers it was very clean, very, dark. They were preparing to go to the World Cup, the four boys. Sirius was the last to be picked up. That foul house elf by the name of Kreacher had answered the door for Remus, James, and Peter. Nearly slamming it in their faces James had managed to catch it with his foot. Apparently Sirius and his parents were having another row, and Sirius was in an outrage. Next thing Remus knew Sirius' trunks were flying at them from his window, all four of them carrying something, heading back to James' parents place where Sirius was going to live for the next two years. He never did tell Remus, about what actually happened.
That's a summer he hasn't thought about in years. The last real summer of happiness they all shared together. Their actual last happy gathering was James and Lily's wedding. Voldemort was just gaining public recognition then. People were starting to get scared. So many close calls, so many narrow misses. Frankly he's amazed any of them survived.
-Lashing myself to Peter's arm I couldn't help but admire Ron for being so willing to help walk him to the castle. I know broken bones are a real pain, literally. Walking down the tunnel was no easy task, all three of us in a line. A smile cracked on my face upon hearing the conversation between Harry and Sirius. The boy would be happy, my friend free. The outside air smelled good, felt clean. A moment before it happened, I knew it was coming. Not only was it the full moon, I'd forgotten to take my potion. The light from above peering its ugly head out to stare down at me I couldn't move. I couldn't talk. The pain. The pain is too intense. My heart. My brain. A complete transformation from one being to the other.-
The noise is what woke him from his thoughts this time. His mug of tea was now all over the wall, shards of glass below it. 'If it hadn't of been for me, being so god damned careless, being a werewolf, this wouldn't have happened.' Constantly beating himself up for past events was something Remus specialized in. No amount of regret would bring his friends back, he knew this, but that doesn't make it any easier. So much for a clean mug.
((Ok, yes, this is a work in progress… I managed to jot this down in a day, will probably be continuing it… stuff like that. Incase you don't know, all characters copyrighted to J.K. Rowling… and, yeah, there you have it ;) ))