Welcome to 'The Crazy Files,' a series of different one-shots that just stuck to my head that I need to get out of it before they drive me insane. Updating will be irregular, but hopefully I'll be able to think of some funny ones quickly. Though considering I have the attention span of a gnat, I don't think that's very likely.

Now, time for some shameless advertising! While you're here, why don't you check out my Fantasy RP site, the Realm of Eld?

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Please join!

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–Attack of the Gary Stu–

"Protego!" Harry roared, and the Shield Charm expanded in the middle of the Hall, and Voldemort stared around for the source as Harry pulled off the Invisibility Cloak at last.

The yells of shock, the cheers, the screams on every side of "Harry!" "HE'S ALIVE!" were stifled at once. The crowd was afraid, and silence fell abruptly and completely as Voldemort and Harry looked at each other, and began, at the same moment, to circle each other.

"I don't want anyone else to try to help," Harry said loudly, and in the total silence his voice carried like a trumpet call. "It's got to be like this. It's got to be me."

"Or me!" a voice said quite suddenly, and past Harry stepped... Harry Potter? There were gasps of shock going around everywhere, and Voldemort looked like he had bit down on a lemon.

This other Harry Potter was different, however. He wore robes of the finest dragon hide, complete with a fur cloak. He looked regal, and fit, and his face had a charming smile on it. He wore no glasses, carried the Sword of Gryffindor strapped to his hip, and held what looked like the Elder Wand in his hand, despite the fact that Voldemort carried that very same wand.

"Who are you?" Voldemort demanded, and the new Harry's smile went, if possible, even wider.

"I am Lord Harold James Potter-Black-Gryffindor-Slytherin-Hufflepuff-Ravenclaw-Emrys-Le Fay, harem owner, Star Seeker of Ballycastle Bats, Master of Death, Owner of Azkaban, Six-Time Winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award, King of the North, and King of the Goblins, House-Elves, and Centaurs!"

Everyone blinked at the introduction. Voldemort opened his mouth to speak, but the new Harry reached into his robes with his wand, but instead of holding said wand when he took his hand out, he was holding a long, golden revolver with a very intricate design carved into the barrel. He aimed at Voldemort and fired, a boom sounding through the Hall, and like a puppet with its strings cut, Voldemort dropped to the ground, a bleeding hole in his forehead.

"Please," Gary Stu Harry said into the silence with a modest chuckle. "Don't thank me! Just doing my job!"

"What the bloody hell is going on?" came Ron's voice from the crowd, as everyone gaped at Gary Stu, who snapped his fingers. A large portal opened up in front of him, and he turned to wave at Harry.

"Take care of yourself, Harry! Until we meet again, Gary Stu away!"

With that, he ran into the portal, never to be seen in that world again...

–

–Poor Billy–

Things had been going great for Billy. The Dark Lord was taking over, and Billy had more freedom than he'd ever had. He was free to do whatever he wanted, as long as it didn't interfere with the Dark Lord's plans.

He'd planned on going to the Bahamas, and get a bit of vacation. He'd even packed a suitcase with some nice, roomy clothes, sunglasses, and thirty bottles of sunscreen, SPF 5,000,000, and a bottle of Ogden's.

He was gonna relax in the sun, maybe meet his significant other, settle down and have a few kids. Being classed as a Dark Creature, such things were regulated, and practically forbidden by the Ministry of Magic.

Then, one day, that brat Potter showed up. Oh, Billy hated that kid. He had eluded Billy so many times, that it wasn't even funny anymore. Come to think of it, it was never funny...

Anyway, the Little-Potter-Who-Could showed up and defeated the Dark Lord, again... The Ministry took back its power, with that stupid, noble Shacklebolt calling the shots. Shacklebolt was only slightly below Potter on Billy's 'People-To-Destroy' list.

There Billy was now, in Azkaban, Hell on Earth... Like yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that, and the day before that, Billy was spending his afternoon cursing Potter, and any offspring he might have, and Billy hoped he had many. More people for Billy to destroy.

"Billy!" he heard his mother, Beelzebub, as he called her, call out from behind him. "Are you brooding again? Go do your job, and straighten out your robes! You look ridiculous!"

"Yes, mum..." Billy muttered as he moved away from the window, and headed over to his mother.

"Billy! Have you been eating again? You disgusting slob! You've spilled food all over your robes again!" Beelzebub shrieked angrily as she started to brush the stains of joy and happiness off Billy's robes.

Billy growled to himself. He was stuck in Azkaban again. That, he could handle. He could also handle being strictly watched by the Ministry... But being stuck in Azkaban, being watched by the Ministry, with his mother?

'Curse you, Harry Potter!'

Billy the Dementor was not happy.

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